Man Discovers Social Media Detox, Survives Against All Odds

In a shocking case study, 34-year-old graphic designer Jacob Mills spent 72 hours offline and suffered only "mild existential clarity." Neurologists observed his dopamine levels stabilizing without memes, though he briefly mistook a bird for a TikTok notification. "Turns out sunlight doesn�t need a subscription," Mills reported before awkwardly trailing off. Big Tech downplayed the incident, reminding users that "disconnection voids warranty." Meanwhile, Meta filed a patent for "offline simulation therapy"�a VR experience of touching grass.