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Jeremy Anderberg • July 16, 2018 • Last updated: July 29, 2021
If you’ve received a gift certificate for a massage as a birthday or Father’s Day gift, or just want to get one and have never pulled the trigger, it can be a little scary to think about a stranger rubbing your at least semi-naked body for an hour or more. It’s sort of an awkward scenario when you really think about it.
There has to be some unwritten rules about the whole experience, right? Indeed there are.
Your time will be far more enjoyable — for both you and the therapist — if you’re aware of this code of etiquette. Below are 8 things to keep in mind when going in for a massage.
Quick prelim point: do you choose a male or female therapist? This can be a hotly debated topic among men. If you’re straight, does having a guy massage therapist make you gay? Is having a woman akin to cheating? The answer to both is no. It just comes down to preference. Anecdotally, most guys prefer women therapists, but certainly not all. I was honestly a little worried during my first massage that it would feel weird having a woman besides my wife touching me, but it’s really not at all a sexual thing. It’s about relaxation, not seduction. That said, if it’s a problem for you, there’s nothing wrong with having a guy give you a massage. Try out both, and see what feels more comfortable.
1. Take a shower beforehand. If you were a massage therapist, would you want to be touching someone who had just come from the gym? Or from mowing the lawn and doing some landscaping work? No thank you. Get rid of the stank and arrive clean and fresh.
Your therapist will probably also be rubbing down your feet and hands, so clip your sloth nails before you go in.
2. Arrive early. Before a massage appointment, you’ll have to fill out some health background paperwork, and also talk with the therapist for just a couple minutes about what you’re looking for. Showing up right as your appointment starts means you’re actually shorting yourself on massage time. Fifteen minutes early is perfect, especially if it’s your first time. If you become a regular, 5 minutes early will be just fine.
3. Turn off your phone. Nobody wants their phone to be dinging during what’s supposed to be a relaxing 30-90 minutes. Even a vibration is often noticeable in a quiet room, so go nuclear, and shut the dang thing down. Probably needs a break anyway after being on for a few months straight.
4. Undress to your level of comfort. This is what the therapist will typically tell you before beginning the massage. They’ll leave the room, allow you to undress and get on the table, and place a sheet over your lower extremities. You’ll either undress to your underwear or down to the nude. It’s really whatever you’re comfortable with. You’re not a prude if you keep your underwear on, and you’re not a perv if you remove it. But it is easier for the therapist to work without a cloth barrier to truncate their movements (especially true if you’re wearing big, baggy boxer shorts), so you really should remove your undies if possible.
Even if you decide to go nude, your family jewels are never actually exposed. Though you’ll be asked to turn over during the massage, therapists do some nifty sheet work to keep everything under wraps as you do so.
It’s normal not to feel comfortable removing your underwear the very first time you get a massage, but you’ll probably feel more comfortable in doing so on subsequent visits. Remember that you’re dealing with a professional who sees human flesh day in and day out, and won’t find small glimpses of your buttocks weird, sexual, or at all interesting.
5. Communicate. Something uncomfortable? Let the massage therapist know. They’ll usually ask at the beginning what kind of pressure you want; if you don’t know, tell them that, then be sure to communicate whether you like what they’re doing or not. In this type of setting, it’s not at all personal.
You should also communicate at the beginning if you don’t want a certain part of your body massaged. For instance, I don’t like my feet being touched (because they’re ticklish, and I just don’t like feet), so I always let the therapist know before we start.
That all said, do you need to make conversation? Feedback is okay as just mentioned, and some small talk is acceptable as well, but you certainly shouldn’t feel the need to chat. You can if you want, but it’s also totally fine to lay there in relaxing silence, close your eyes, and just enjoy the experience. In fact, falling asleep is common, and your therapist won’t be offended at all.
6. What about bodily functions? It’s not uncommon to pass gas during a massage. You’re super relaxed after all, and sometimes it just happens. Even though you’ll probably be embarrassed if it happens, no need to be, and the therapist will ignore it.
While your therapist won’t mind a few toots, they understandably don’t want a gas bomb going off in the typically small massage room. So if you’ve got a lot of gas or need to use the bathroom, it’s okay to pause the session and visit the restroom. Same thing goes for needing to pee, or simply blow your nose. It’s okay to call a timeout.
While not common, some men do get an erection during a massage. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about (again though, you probably will be). Know that it does happen, and that your therapist will just ignore it. I had read about this before I got my first massage, and was so scared of it happening that there was no way it was going to happen.
7. Don’t ask about sexual favors (or even joke about them). Duh. Just don’t do it and don’t even make a passing joke about it. At best, you’ll offend your therapist; at worst, you’ll be kicked out, and for good.
8. Leave a tip. It’s pretty much expected to tip 15-20% these days. You can give your therapist cash directly (or leave it at the front desk), or you typically have the option to add it on to your credit card bill. If you’re using a gift certificate, bring some cash to use for your tip, unless it’s indicated that the tip has been covered as well.
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A recent conference demonstrated how eager young women in Sierra Leone were for information, and how helpful it is to receive it
Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah is the author of The Sex Lives of African Women, which Publishers Weekly described as “an astonishing report on the quest for sexual liberation” in their starred review. She is also co-founder of Adventures from the Bedrooms of African Women, a website, podcast and festival that publishes and creates content that tells stories of African women’s experiences around sex, sexualities, and pleasure
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I recently ran a workshop for young girls titled Our Bodies Are Powerful and Beautiful at the Girls Summit preceding the 10th Africa Conference on Sexual Health and Rights convened by activist group Purposeful in Freetown, Sierra Leone. That day I facilitated two workshops — one targeted at girls aged between 14 and 17, and the other for older girls and young women aged between 18 and 22. All these girls and young women came from countries across the continent and its diaspora, including Morocco, Kenya, Sierra Leone, Somalia and Nigeria.
I started my session by asking the girls what they wanted to know about bodies and about pleasure. Their responses came gushing out: “Why is the first day of menstruation painful?”; “Is it a crime for a girl to have sex between the ages of twelve and fourteen?”: “How can we get parents to talk about sex and pleasure with their kids?”: “Does FGM [female genital mutilation] cause infection or sterility?”: “Why do some girls bleed during sex?”; and on and on and on. The questions kept coming. Clearly the girls appreciated the space that had been created for frank, honest, non-judgmental conversations.
I had no expectations going into this workshop. I have been writing about sex and sexualities and facilitating conversations on the subject with older women for well over a decade, yet this was the first time I was holding space for younger women in this manner.
Many years ago — eight or 10 — I was invited by my alma mater to give a talk to students about the lives of African women in pre-colonial Africa. I have always been a bit of a history buff, and so I was excited to share what I knew. My opening slide had my full name, and after introducing myself to the group of mainly 17-year-old students, I spoke about the various roles that African women had played in our societies historically (and presently); how active African women had always been in public life — the key roles of market women, the centrality of traditional priestesses and healers, the importance of Queen Mothers, and such. I said nothing in my speech about sex and sexualities. Plus, in those days, I had only been blogging for a few short years.
When my session was over, some students came over to chat and one young man quietly asked me, “Are you the same Nana Darkoa who blogs about Adventures From the Bedrooms of African Women?” I couldn’t quite hide my shock that he knew the blog, but he quickly tried to reassure me: “I am not doing anything, I am just reading.”
I wish I could go back in time to reassure him . There is nothing wrong with a young person seeking knowledge about sex. Young people deserve to receive open, frank and non-judgmental information about sex and sexualities. Young people need to be taught about their bodies and how powerful and beautiful they are, but they are rarely told this.
I know this from my own childhood, and it was a privilege to be in Sierra Leone serving as an “Auntie” to young girls from across the continent, sharing with them what I have learnt about the beautiful possibilities that our bodies hold when they are truly our own; that your body first and foremost belongs to you; that you deserve to feel safe in your skin; that no act of sex should feel painful; that sex with yourself is okay and the safest way to experience pleasure; that no adult should have sex with a child. Indeed, that is not sex but rape. That pain is a sign that something is wrong in your body and should not be tolerated because you are a girl or a young woman.
At the end of the workshop, I asked the girls to write a love letter to their bodies, and a couple of them chose to read their letters aloud to the entire room.
I love your beautiful colour because it shines bright like a diamond and it is one in a million. You are beautiful like damn, and you are everything I need. I love everything about you, your eyes, your hands and legs, breast, buttocks, mouth, your shape, etc
I am happy about everything in my body because it makes me who I am. Love
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