Male Best Friends

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To say that feels weird. I’m almost thirty; thirty-year-old men don’t have “best friends”.
They have drinking/golfing/hunting buddies.
They have their wives’ friends’ husbands.
But they certainly don’t have a Bee Eff Eff.
Yesterday I read Stephen Marche’s article for Esquire about the abuse of the word “bro”. I thought it was going to be a silly piece about pop culture, but then I ran into this line:
To mature as a female person is to mature into female friendships. To mature as a male person is to mature out of male friendships.
There’s a sort of shyness I’ve felt about telling anyone that I have a best friend. It feels roughly equivalent to admitting I still sleep with a nightlight or that my mom still packs a lunch for me every day.
Having a best friend feels like kid stuff. It feels like something I should have grown out of.
I’ve been friends with Nate since we were eleven or twelve, when his family moved in down the street and our moms set us up on a play date.
We did all the stuff boys do: played Mortal Kombat1, shot our little brothers with BB guns, pretended we were the Harlem Globetrotters.
Nate and I were opposites in a lot of ways, but we both felt like outsiders — Nate because he didn’t quite meet the criteria of any clique, and me because I was in the midst of several simultaneous identity crises — and that held us together.
Our opposite tendencies were complementary: I did Nate’s homework; Nate convinced the cute girls at the beach to hang out with us.
As adults, Nate and I are still opposites. We still complement each other well personally, and now we’re able to help each other professionally.2
Complementary skill sets aside, Nate and I have helped each other in another, less tangible way: over the course of nearly twenty years of friendship, we’ve had hundreds of very frank, very honest conversation. The kind that most people have to pay a psychiatrist for.
Being able to discuss the things that scared us — being able to be 100% vulnerable, in other words — has allowed us to work through the source of many of our fears and troubles, which has ultimately led to both of us becoming more aware of our internal motivations and the things that trip us up. We’re both better people because of it.
UPDATE: In July 2015, Nate and I decided to make these conversations public in hopes of sparking similar discussions for anyone willing to listen. We’ve created a podcast where we have deep conversations called Two Friends Talking About Things. You can listen to the first episode here, on the website, or on iTunes.
Yesterday Nate and I were discussing our most recent challenge to each other: write for at least thirty minutes a day and post whatever comes out on our blogs.
I shared one of Nate’s posts yesterday. He mentioned that he was planning to share one as well.
Was it weird that we were publicly giving each other so much attention? Would people make fun of us?
Why did we both feel that way? Everyone who knows us knows that we’re close, and neither of us is ashamed of being friends with the other. So where does this apprehension over talking about our friendship on the Internet come from?
Stephen Marche argues that pop culture is poisoning the idea of male friendship:
The splendid isolation of masculinity has emerged from so much iconography—the cowboy, the astronaut, the gangster—that almost every hero in the past fifty years has been a figure of loneliness. Current pop culture is even more extreme: It doesn’t just celebrate the lonely man; it also despises men in groups.
Marche claims most movies and TV shows show groups of men being idiots. The Hangover, Dumb and Dumber, How I Met Your Mother all paint the idea of male friendship as a way to bring out the least intelligent parts of men.
And it explains why I feel apprehensive talking about having a best friend.
I wish I had a solution, or even a suggestion for a solution to the problem. I don’t.
I do know that — despite being uneasy saying it out loud — having a close male friend has been one of the most beneficial things in my life, both growing up and as an adult.
Do you have a best friend? Does it feel weird to talk about?
If you don’t have a best friend, does it bother you?3
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By Derek Lawrence, January 23rd 2015
Male best friendship is an interesting dynamic. It’s very different from that of females. Far and away the thing that separates the two types is that female best friends seem to share everything. They’re so close sometimes it even seems like they share cycles. Men are the opposite, the less they share probably the stronger the friendship. To give you an idea here are is the definitive list of what male best friends should never share.
This is probably the most controversial choice on the list. It seems like it would be a blast to live with your best friend. Wrong. Ever heard the saying, “Don’t shit where you eat”? That usually refers to sleeping with people at work, but I think it works better here. Living with your best friend is only asking for trouble. There will be clearly be some fun times like Madden tournaments, drinking games and late night gossip seshes. Unfortunately the arguments that are sure to arise will end up being too much. It’ll start off small with a debate over whose turn it’s to do the dishes. Then before you know it every little thing you do will annoy the other. Don’t let TV shows like Friends trick you, not even Chandler and Joey’s strong bond could’ve survived bringing chicks and ducks home.
This shouldn’t come into play too often since we clearly decided that you shouldn’t be living with your best friend. That being said, you may end up crashing at your friend’s after a late night, so a guide to what’s available for you to use in his bathroom is needed. Here is the approved list: cologne, shampoo and toilet paper. That’s it, and even those are pushing it. Smelling the same as your best friend is sure to send some strange signals. Using anything else is crossing a gross and unforgivable line.
Opposites may attract in sexual relationships, but not with close male relationships. While the foundation of a great friendship is laid with common traits and interests, best friends can only be so similar. Who knows if it’s testosterone or what, but two similar guys are more likely to be enemies than friends. If one is an extreme talker, the other should be a borderline mute. Male friendships only can have one person per role so each one needs to stick to their respective lane.
Bros before Hoes is offensive and outdated so let’s go more PC, like Best Friends before Any Woman No Matter How Many Tattoos She Has. Name two best friends that have successfully shared a woman. Go ahead, we’ve got time to sit and wait. Couldn’t do it could you? That was expected, since it’s never happened. Ben and Chon tried it in the movie Savages and look at what they had to deal with. They had to battle with deadly Mexican drug dealers and even worse John Travolta. Blake Lively isn’t worth putting your friendship through that, no woman is.
Pizza is the sole exception for this rule. We’re talking a delivered pizza too, no reason to split a personal pan or small out at a restaurant. Take that home before you split it. Food is on this list because sharing it opens a door that can’t be closed. t’ll start innocently enough with letting your friend have some of your fries at Applebees during happy hour since he only ordered a beer. Before you know it though he is making you constantly go to Chili’s to go in on the 2 for $20 deal. That means you guys are suddenly sharing a desert. This friendship is heading to a different type of relationship at this point.
In some of the other topics, there have been exceptions given. Clothing is a different ball game. Under no circumstances should best friends wear the other’s clothes. This includes everything from underwear, shirts or even shoes. For one, it’s just too personal, even more personal than women or bathroom accessories. You want to be close to your best friend, but there is such a thing as too close, and even sharing a shirt is too close. Back in eighth grade I made the mistake of borrowing my best friend’s shirt after crashing at his house. My first issue is that I’m white and that the shirt I took was a FUBU jersey. No one ever looked at me the same after that—especially my best friend. I don’t think he ever wore that shirt again. Our friendship somehow has seemed to survive, but he has many times since made out with multiple girls that he knows I liked. While I can’t prove it, I’m confident the two are linked.
The majority of marriages that end in divorce are due to issues involving money. If that’s the case, just picture what money can do to a relationship that doesn’t include sex. Money just carries too much power to throw in the middle of a strong friendship. Bill Gates probably has no friends just so he doesn’t have to deal with loaning money to them.
This is probably the closest that male and female friendship come. I can only assume that women aren’t talking about the size of each other’s below the belt zones. There are many reasons why men shouldn’t share such info. The first is that the true size wouldn’t be revealed unless they whipped them out because every guy will exaggerate the size if just taken at his word. Then putting that aside the guy that does have the size advantage will have too much power in the relationship. Mr. Big would automatically win any argument. Just imagine what Michael Fassbender’s friends have to deal with.
These words are for the one looking for hope; for the one questioning whether they’ll ever truly be okay. These words are for us all.
Beyond Worthy, by Jacqueline Whitney
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