Making A Mess On Stepmom
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Making A Mess On Stepmom
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Key points
Many stepkids and adult stepkids suspect that liking their stepmom would be a betrayal of their mom.
In one study, preteen and teen girls especially described their stepparent as an obstacle to intimacy with their mom or dad.
An ex-wife generally poses more challenges for the stepmom-stepchild relationship than an ex-husband, since mothers have a stronger agenda.
Against the backdrop of a dad's permissive parenting, a stepmom's normal expectations may seem "unfair" to a stepchild.
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We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Posted October 15, 2009
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Reviewed by Lybi Ma
That sums up how many of the women with stepchildren I interviewed for my book, Stepmonster , felt about the stepmother role. They told me:
These women were not whiners. Most of them had been trying to get step-mothering right for years, and all began their journeys committed to forging a great relationship with his kids, whatever it took.
But they're correct that there are external forces, most beyond a stepmother's control, that may undermine her good intentions and best efforts with his children. These factors include loyalty binds, a child's jealousy and resentment, the Ex Factor, permissive parenting , cultural expectations about women and children, and a phenomenon called conflict by proxy.
In spite of such obstacles, there is a widely held notion that "if she's kind, they'll warm right up to her." "Just remember," one "expert" advised in an online article, "You'll get back what you give. Keep loving them."
In this formula, the only good or successful stepmother is one who is embraced by her stepkids. Here's why that standard is so off the mark, and why kids of all ages really dislike their stepmothers.
Many stepkids and adult stepkids suspect that liking stepmom would be a betrayal of mom. So they keep her at arm's length, or worse. And there's nothing she can do about that. Only mom can release them from the torturous loyalty bind and pave the way to a healthy stepmom-stepchild relationship, by saying, "I wish you'd give Jenny a chance. I won't be upset." Too often, no such permission is given.
When there is a loyalty bind, nothing's worse than stepmom bending over backward to win the kids over. Drs. Larry Ganong and Marilyn Coleman found that such stepchildren and adult stepchildren are especially rejecting of a stepmother they find warm and appealing, as she elicits tremendously conflicted feelings.
Children may become remarkably close to their parents post-divorce, and used to having mom and dad "all to myself." Adult children may develop an intense, peer-like relationship with a single parent, making the adjustment to a stepparent tough.
With a preadolescent or adolescent girl, possessiveness and jealousy will pose an even bigger problem, psychologist Mavis Hetherington found. In her Virginia Longitudinal Study of families who divorced and remarried, preteen and teen girls especially described the stepparent as an interloper in their world and an obstacle to intimacy with mom or dad. A stepmother may encounter particularly fierce resistance from a teen girl, both because she is close to her father and because teen girls tend to model the feelings and attitudes of their mothers.
While there are exceptions, an ex-wife generally poses more challenges for the stepmom-stepchild relationship than an ex-husband, stepfamily experts Constance Ahrons, Anne C. Bernstein, and Mavis Hetherington found. Why?
Mom is more likely to be the primary parent and to have a strong agenda about what goes on in her ex's household. The stronger the ex's agenda, researchers found, the more involvement across households, and opportunities for conflict. And high-conflict situations between two linked households lead to greater resentment of the stepparent, who feels more expendable and less loved by the child than a parent. In addition, Hetherington found that ex-wives feel more anger , and feel it for longer, than ex-husbands. Stepkids pick up on these feelings and often act them out on mom's behalf. Translation: Stepmom loses this draw due to gender .
Research consistently shows that children do best with authoritative parenting, high levels of warmth, and high levels of control. But post-divorce, permissive parenting (high warmth, low control) frequently prevails. Why?
Mom is likely to have primary custody, and if she's single, that can mean a lot of work and stress . She might let the little things, and then the not so little things, go. Dad likely fears that if he angers his ex or the kids, he won't see them as much, and feels guilty that the kids went through a divorce. And so an "Always ‘Yes' Dad" is born.
Against the backdrop of permissive parenting, stepmom's normal expectations about manners, scheduling, and respect may seem draconian, rigid, and "unfair." And kids with permissive parents understandably don't have much sense that it's wrong to be rude to an expendable-seeming and "overreaching" (in their view) stepparent. This ticks off stepmom, who then seems even less likable and fun to her stepchild.
Wednesday Martin , Ph.D. , is the author of the books Primates of Park Avenue and Stepmonster .
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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
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Submitted by Kmh89 on Wed, 01/15/2020 - 8:01am
Hi all, first post here. I’m at my wits end and just need insight from people who understand my position. Here’s some background on our situation. I met DH 8 years ago, I was a teacher at his kids preschool. He was already well into the divorce process. His ex started an emotional affair when their son (my SS) was 10 months old and their daughter (my SD) was 31 months. DH and I started dating and I met the kids just before moving in when they were 3 and 4.5. DH had full custody because ex moved to a different area an hour away, but she moved back to our area (temporarily) and he gave her half-custody, so to this day we do a week on and a week off. She has since moved 30 minutes away so the kids are in the car a lot on her weeks because they go to school in our district.
When I first met the kids and for the first few years, I had fun playing house (hah, oh the naïveté). Yes there were definitely hard times, but it had mostly to do with catching these kids up as far as life skills. DH and I would fight about the kids, I wanting time for just my husband and I on vacations, house rules, etc. We would also fight about issues with his ex, she does parent the kids, no rules/structure/no teaching of life skills and how to be responsible. You know, as far as parenting my general philosophy is “to each their own,” but when it directly impacts me and my life I have to step up (hah, no pun intended) and try to do something. Therefore, I’m always in correction mode and I come off as really strict. My family “jokes” and calls me the General. I’ve tried to find balance and ignore a lot, but the things I am teaching them and telling them to do are things that I expect from anyone who lives in my household.
DH and I had a son in 2017; the light of my life, boys and their mamas am I right? Our son has a good relationship with his older siblings and I try to not intervene in their playing unless necessary. SS and SD act so victimized if I remind them of safe and fun play habits (no the baby can’t be given the fruit pouch top, it’s a choking hazard) and DH is no help. Our son is now 2.5 and I’m lucky enough to take a few years off from teaching to stay home with him. Unfortunately things have deteriorated with the stepkids. SS is now 10 and the “coolest” kid who has ALL the latest technology with no rules over at BioMoms. SD is 12 and is just a mess, doesn’t care anything about her appearance, walks slumped over, is a slob, mumbles, etc. Writing this, I hear how awful this may sound, but I just don’t understand a child who isn’t happy and perky. Again, naiveté on my part, I’m sure. She’s always been a tomboy, but has really stepped it up and BioMom has allowed this general appearance of not caring. BioMom also gave her a brand new iPhone for her birthday with zero rules and we found inappropriate stuff all over it recently, drugs, bad choices, etc. Had a talk with SD about expectations/safety and told BioMom. BioMom took away all technology for SD while at her house. DH allows it at our house because Santa brought her a new iPad, but he did give her rules (and by he, I mean I told him the rules to give her).
I am very torn. I get that these kids are hurt and messed up because BioMom left them at a young and vulnerable age. I get that I “knew what I was getting into.” Blah blah blah. I guess I get DH guilt. Did I mention he does nothing to parent them? Any rules, explanations, structure, etc. comes directly from me. He resented his Dad for being strict and for “lectures.” Because parenting=strict, right? To top it off, DH gets bent out of shape because I’m “too hard on the kids” and they’re “afraid” of me. Example: this morning DS is making lunch, I remind them every morning to wipes the crumbs and lunchbox germs off the counter. He finishes making lunch and moves on to other things. I remind him to wipe off counter. I also remind him to wear a coat to school, because you know, it’s January. After taking SS to the bus, DH tells me I was “out for blood” this morning and SS was really upset. Seriously, his words. He always thinks the worst of me and like I’m out to get his kids. No, I’m just trying to raise two kids who live in my house half the time and I want to make it a pleasant home.
I feel like I’m rambling, I appreciate anyone who’s bearing with me. I guess my main problem is this. I would love to just throw my hands up, limit interaction with SS and SD except for household things. I would love to let them be “who they are” aka what BioMom has created and continues to mold. SD is in middle school this year and has gotten in with a bad crowd and is making lifestyle choices that DH and I do not agree with. How am I supposed to manage this and have my own child? These children come into our home and live a lifestyle that I personally wouldn’t allow for my own kids. From their clothing, to their expectations for technology and what they should have to do or not (chores, household rules like push your chair in). I’m frustrated beyond words and get zero support from my husband. He either doesn’t care so he doesn’t support my parenting or he is checked out doing his own stuff and doesn’t “notice.” I would love to disengage, but I have my own son to worry about. I know how strong an older siblings’ influence is and I’m worried for the future. And he absolutely adores his older siblings. I realize the way I feel and possibly entire environment is toxic. Please help.
Submitted by tog redux on Wed, 01/15/2020 - 10:23am
Do it, throw your hands up and disengage - not your circus, not your monkeys.
Focus on your own son - he's younger enough to be parented differently, and by the time he figures it out, the other two will be much older. If your DH thinks asking a kid to wipe the counter is acting "out for blood", he's won the right to do all parenting himself (which was his job in the first place).
Submitted by Kmh89 on Wed, 01/15/2020 - 11:55am
I haven’t taken a look at any of the disengage forum posts, but how would I go about this? Does it mean ignore everything? I would find it torturous to ignore messes, leaving lights on, no bedtime, etc. My husband does not mind a messy house, doesn’t mind me or him cleaning up their dinner dishes. If I don’t say anything, nothing will get done. If my husband notices he’ll pout and say I’m being childish. I’ve halfway attempted this before.
Submitted by tog redux on Wed, 01/15/2020 - 12:01pm
Well, it works however you want it to. You might still clean up messes because you can't stand it otherwise, but not do any cooking for them, or helping with homework or bedtime, or transporting them anywhere. You might still cook for them if you are cooking for the family, but not do anything that is going out of your way just for them.
Submitted by Rags on Wed, 01/15/2020 - 11:02am
Keep it simple. Set and enforce standards of behavior and performance for kids in your home. Regardless of kid biology. Of course a 3yo will have different standards than the elder two but... they must be established and enforced. Inform DH that he does not like how you parent and discipline that he can step up and get it done before you have to but that the kids will be parented and disciplined whether they or he like it or not. If he refuses to step up and parent make it clear that he can STFU and have your back until the two of you can discuss it in private.
This is of course a cycle that will adjust as kids grow up, couples learn how everything fits together, and the blended family environment firms up. But IMHO it has to happen or kids have no structure in their growing up and they do not have a sound and quality example of parenting, discipline and a healthy adult relationship to model.
Submitted by Kmh89 on Wed, 01/15/2020 - 12:02pm
Thank you! As far as standards, how do you go about reinforcing? Just constantly reminding or discipline? I feel like I often rely on discipline (ex I had to remind you three times to take out the trash so you’ve lost your tablet) and it just doesn’t work. Either they go to their other house for the week and forget about it or they just lose everything. It’s really hard when they and DH look at me like I’m “so mean.”
Submitted by tog redux on Wed, 01/15/2020 - 1:42pm
Yeah, this route will backfire on you. The kids won't listen, DH will be on your back and eventually they will refuse to come over and DH will blame you.
First work on DH to step up with his own kids.
Submitted by Rags on Wed, 01/15/2020 - 1:51pm
Invest in 50Gal trash bags. Anything they do not complete bag up and leave it in their room until they return. Then they can spend the entire visit doing what they should have done the last time them visited.
Ignoring the problems is always a probl
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