Makeshift Pussy
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Listen, if you’re too broke to buy a real sex toy, then you’re certainly too broke to afford a lover. However, we all have needs, which means something must be done when the urge to bust a nut kicks in. Aside from manually jerking your turkey with worn out and calloused palms, there’s not much you can do besides fashion your own sex toy out of household items that cost little to nothing to acquire. It’s a sick, sad world out there, folks.
While the modern market of high-tech fuck toys is replete with viable options, some of them are far more expensive than many men can afford. The average high-quality toy costs about a hundred bucks, and that price is before you buy lubricants, accessories, or batteries. It’s no wonder why so many dudes are opting to make their own shit. Although we don’t necessarily agree with doing that, we can’t blame them. After all, blue balls are a son of a bitch.
At A Glance: Our Top 6 Picks for Alternative to DIY Fleshlights
If you’re going to do it then you might as well do it right. Nobody wants to be the guy who has to call an ambulance because he got too creative with his fuck sticks without being knowledgeable first. That shit is embarrassing, not to mention potentially deadly. While we wholeheartedly suggest saving up for an actual sex toy, (use our discount codes to save a massive amount of money) we can understand the fact that that’s not always possible. So, in the event that you must craft your own, there are a few things you need to know.
First of all, not all sex toys are created equally, and some are pieces of shit in and of themselves regardless of their price tag which suggests otherwise. Trying to replicate something you see on a website or in stores is always a good place to start, but you should know that you will seldom (if ever) achieve the same level of quality that you see come from a worthwhile manufacturer. The key to being happy with your homemade crapshoot is to understand that there are always a few degrees of separation between it and what you find on the shelves. Simply put, prepare for disappointment to prevent yourself from being . . . well, disappointed.
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Furthermore, the best shit in the industry achieved its lofty reputation by being well-made, solid pieces of craftsmanship. Tinkerer or not, you’re hardly likely to create anything nearly as fantastic as what’s offered in stores. These sex toy making people work hard alongside a gamut of scientists to develop industry-leading materials, ergonomic designs, and arousing pleasure settings. With anything homemade, the best you’ll get is something barely good enough to get off in. Just keep that in mind.
A quick scan of a few YouTube instructional videos might have you thinking that you can accomplish this shit with ease, but we warn you of the contrary. Those “helpful” guides should be watched with a healthy dose of skepticism and with the realization that decent toys are made by the pros (which you are not). Since the Fleshlight brand is one of the most imitated toys on today’s sex toy market, we will start there by showing you what to do (and what not to do) in terms of crafting your own replica. You’re welcome, cheapskates.
After checking out hundreds of self-made sex toy instructional videos to find the best ones, we have selected a few that are most likely to get you the closest to the real thing as possible. Remember that you’ll probably still have to spend a little money to acquire the appropriate supplies. However, we’ve done our damnedest to ensure that the supply list for each of the homemade toys listed here is still cheaper than buying a pre-manufactured product.
Also, keep in mind that the FDA has no approved the use or ingredients of any of these DIY pocket pussies. In other words: fuck them at your own risk. Oh, and regardless of the materials used to make these things, always use a high-quality water based lube before sliding in.
NOTE: Most of the toys we picked require the use of latex gloves which act as the inner sleeve lining, but those bitches can be too short for long dong having bastards. Latex gloves can also rip or tear when things get hot and heavy, causing more mess than they’re worth. So, we suggest replacing them with XL condoms because they’re bigger, softer, and more durable.
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Making a homemade towel masturbator is super simple and somewhat more effective than manual masturbation. As a matter of fact, pent up dudes in prison use them all the time, so you know they work. In addition, these things are really easy to hide, store, and recreate over and over again.
There are actually two different versions of this toy. The only difference is whether you roll or fold the towel, although they both feel unique due to the variant in the canal’s shape. Here’s how you do it:
TIP: To create a canal that’s not too tight or loose, use a standard toothpaste tube as a mold when you fold (or roll). Of course, you’ll want to be sure that you remove the tube once the canal structure is achieved.
The thickness of the towel you use will directly affect the tightness achieved – thin towels are sort of loose and thick towels are usually tight. Furthermore, if you use a brand of toothpaste that comes in a small tube, your measurements may be off just a tad. You’ll likely have to make this son of a bitch a couple times to get the hang of it or to create a canal that fits your dick.
While the Tantalizing Towel masturbator will get you off if you do it right, it’s nowhere near as good as the real deal. The sensations are far less intense than they are with manufactured masturbators because there is no noticeable texture, but it still feels better than a self-given hand job. You won’t be able to dive very deep either, but you can manually control the tightness with a simple squeeze. Overall, this DIY toy will get the job done and that’s all that matters.
You’ve heard of men masturbating into their tube socks, but this thing takes shit to a whole new level. A DIY sock toy is even easier to make than the Tantalizing Towel, and it’s likely that you already have the supplies needed to create it without spending the first red cent. Score!
Using ankle socks is not recommended for this thing, so if you don’t have long sports socks then you’ll be forced to go out and buy the right shit. No sweat; most socks are super cheap, and we wouldn’t suggest springing for anything fancy if you’re just going to brick inside of it anyway.
The longer the socks you use, the better control you’ll have over the tightness of your newly fangled toy. Long socks allow you to adjust the placement of the rubber band more easily, and thus you can constrict the canal as you see fit. Furthermore, the tightness of this thing is quickly customized using a simple squeeze of your hand, as is the case with most DIY sex toys.
Using socks is also a much more comfortable option than using towels, as many socks tend to be a lot softer than the latter (especially if you opt for fleece or something like that). And while the texture of a fancy Fleshlight is not available with this thing either, it still gets the job done if you make it and use it as intended. We just wonder if the people at Fruit of the Loom know what some people are doing with their products.
Although the name of this toy sounds a bit trashy (literally), it’s still a great tool to use if you’re not into folding and measuring a canal for your throbbing cock. It’s also much easier to make and can be crafted quicker than anything on our list.
This bad boy is definitely one of the easiest DIY sex toys to create, and best of all, it can be thrown away when you’re done. There’s no laundry to do either, and it can be stored away quickly in the event that someone walks in on you handling business. Best of all, it’s practically free to make.
You can easily adjust the tightness of the Tempting Toilet Paper Roll masturbator by leaving some of the paper on the roll. You won’t be able to do much squeezing to control your sensations, so hopefully your dick is big enough to suffice. We’re not certain that modern toilet paper rolls come in more sizes than one, unfortunately. However, this thing feels about as good as it gets considering you’re using literal trash to get your rocks off.
Luckily, this DIY jizz monster is slightly tighter feeling than towels or socks, mostly due to the one-size-fits-all rim of the roll. The overall softness of it depends on the quality of the toilet paper you use, but you still won’t feel much of a texture inside unless you spring for a ribbed condom. Furthermore, the penetration depth is somewhat restricted because of the relative size of the roll, so this bitch is basically only good for one thing and that’s corona stimulation.
You’ll probably have to go on a short shopping trip to create this one, since it’s likely that you don’t have what you need for it just lying around the house. Then again, you might; we don’t know how you live. Either way, it’s still very cheap to make and feels about as good as any of them.
Whatever you do, make sure the sponges you use for this thing are small enough to fit inside the can or cup you choose. In addition, the sponges should be soft or else you (and your sensitive dick) will be very sorry.
While this self-sustained DIY toy is super simple to make, easy to store, and quick to throw away, it’s not as pleasurable to use as some of the others on this list. However, the sensations caused by the sponges feel more like a human body than any sock, towel, or toilet paper roll (as long as the sponge is soft, of course). Furthermore, the softness of the sponge also determines the tightness of the canal, since it’s damn near impossible to control it otherwise because of the hard structure of the can or cup.
Additionally, the sponges may or may not envelope the penis as much as you’d like, especially if your dick is on the small side. We suggest cleaning out the can before using it too, or else you may have a bunch of nasty chip grease on your junk when all is said and done. Overall, this toy might be a good choice for men looking for something a bit more realistic feeling, but unfortunately, with that benefit comes a handful of disadvantages.
This homemade sex toy isn’t one of our favorites, but it’s on this list because it (and ones like it) seem very popular among DIYers. Mind you, it’s important that this thing be created correctly to prevent skin irritation and infections.
As one of the more difficult self-made sex toys on the list, the Captivating Cornstarch masturbator is like a sexy science experiment for adventurous pervs. It’s not very easy to make, especially if you’re new to this type of thing; but, it’s pretty easy to get rid of it or hide it if necessary, so there’s that.
The finished product should look and feel like rubber, not gelatin. The more you microwave it and refrigerate it, the better the outcome will be. However, there’s no way to warm it back up so you end up fucking something that’s much colder than your ex could ever be. For most guys, that’s not exactly the most favorable sensation on the planet and we can certainly understand that.
This toy is basically a sad version of the famous Fleshlight, and it falls apart kind of easily when it’s fucked too hard. That quality alone makes it frustrating, not to mention it doesn’t come with a case so it gets sticky when you get going. However, aside from it being flimsy and cold, it’s probably the one toy on this list that’s most closely related to the sex toys you’re used to. In short, if you’re going to cut corners, there’s a price you’ll have to pay. Time to ante up, boys.
Side-by-side, these DIY sex toys are vastly different from one another. Although we remain surprised by the creativity and ingenuity of the world’s perverts, we still prefer real, professionally manufactured toys over these blasphemous bastards. But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
Some might argue that these indecent things are good alternatives to real Fleshlight toys, but if you’ve ever used a Fleshlight, then you’ll know how bullshit that belief really is. Out of all of these bitches, you’ll probably have the most success using the Sexy Sock or Tantalizing Toilet Paper Roll masturbators and that’s sad for a million reasons. However, those are both devices that are easily replicated when needed, not to mention beyond cheap.
In essence, using a self-made manual masturbator is proof positive that you’re not only lonely but also broke. Regardless of the cards you’ve been dealt, making your own jerk off machine is cheap and easy so at least you’re not cursed all the way around. These things are made from easily attained ingredients and supplies, not to mention that most of the shit you need can either be found in your home or at your local supermarket. And since everything used is innocuous, nobody will know why those items are on your shopping list.
Still, nothing feels better than an official Fleshlight except for real sex, and even that’s debatable with some of the intense and creative models that the company offers in their inventory. There’s a good reason Fleshlights are some of the most imitated toys on the market. Not only do their products last longer and feel better, but they have some insane accessories than can take you to places that have you wondering why you deal with real people at all.
Despite the fact that John James is quite the character, there is one thing he has in common with everyone else: he likes a high quality sex toy just as much as the next guy.
Noticing that there were no legitimate websites out there reviewing all the amazing synthetic vaginas on the market, John James set out to do something about it.
After all, it is painfully obvious that today’s men really need to know more about their options.
Despite the fact that John James is quite the character, there is one thing he has in common with everyone else: he likes a high quality sex toy just as much as the next guy.
Noticing that there were no legitimate websites out there reviewing all the amazing synthetic vaginas on the market, John James set out to do something about it.
After all, it is painfully obvious that today’s men really need to know more about their options.
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