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Sex Tips
How to Make a Woman Orgasm
The AskMen editorial team thoroughly researches & reviews the best gear, services and staples for life. AskMen may get paid if you click a link in this article and buy a product or service.
More so than almost any other aspect of human sexual interactions, the female orgasm is a mystery.
Men want to know how to give them. Women want to know how to have them. Porn loves to fake them. Scientists aren’t clear on why they exist. Prudes and misogynists don’t want them to happen at all.
But just like guys, ladies are also capable of having incredibly powerful, awesome orgasms.
In fact, they’re often able to have multiple orgasms within a short span of time, meaning if you know what you’re doing, it’s absolutely possible to give her mind blowing amounts of sexual pleasure.
Intrigued? AskMen spoke with four different sex experts to give you the information you need about how to make a woman orgasm.
First, it’s worth clarifying what an orgasm is, period.
“An orgasm is the involuntary release of tension at the height of the sexual response cycle,” says SKYN Condoms sex and intimacy expert and certifed sex coach Gigi Engle. “In most cases, it is a highly pleasurable feeling. It is marked by the release of built-up sexual feelings and the tension in the genitals and other areas of the body that are responding to sexual stimuli.”
As Engle notes, it’s typically a highly pleasurable feeling like an explosion of pleasure, regardless of what your gender is. The more buildup you have, the more pleasurable and intense the orgasm is.
The orgasm is typically different in a few noteworthy ways, all depending on your biological sex.
For one, the male orgasm is typically tied to ejaculation, whereas the female orgasm really isn’t.
“Orgasm and ejaculation tend to occur simultaneously when you have a penis,” says Dr. Jess O’Reilly, sexologist and host of the “Drive Her Wild With Pleasure” video course. “This certainly isn’t always the case (you certainly have dry orgasms), but for most folks, they occur at the same time more often than not. For people with clitorises, this is less often the case.”
Female orgasm and female ejaculation are much less in sync than male orgasm and male ejaculation. Even women who can squirt don’t always do so when they climax, and they’re sometimes able to squirt without climaxing at all.
Men typically don’t ejaculate multiple times in a row. That’s because of their refractory periods — the period of time beginning when you orgasm and lasts until you’re able to orgasm again — is on average much longer than it is for women.
It’s also associated with more noticeable physical signs such as a man’s penis becoming flaccid after orgasm. It may even be too sensitive for any further sexual activity for a period of between several minutes and several hours, which typically lengthens as a man ages.
Women, however, have quite short refractory periods, to the point where they might be hardly noticeable. Depending on the stimulation, a woman could orgasm dozens of times in a single sex or masturbation session.
As well, there’s the matter of timing. While many men are capable of reaching orgasm pretty quickly, not all women are blessed with the same ability.
“Some women need a lot of time to build up to an orgasm while others, with the right sensations, get off fairly quickly,” says Kayla Lords, a sexpert for JackAndJillAdult.com.
Generally speaking, the male orgasm takes much less time to occur than the female orgasm — at least, when it comes to intercourse, says O’Reilly.
“When women are on our own, we don’t tend to take long at all,” she notes. “This is because we know what we enjoy and we do it.”
So what do they enjoy, exactly? Lots of different things:
“How people achieve orgasm is often quite different between men and women,” says Lords. “Many women need very specific stimulation: clitoral, G-spot, a combination of the two. They may also prefer, want, and/or need to have other parts of their body touched and stimulated — breasts and nipples, legs, torso, neck, etc.”
As for the exact methods, well, those are also varied.
“We may use our fingers or a vibrator, lie on our stomachs and rub against the mattress, watch porn, fantasize, and/or play with running water,” says O’Reilly. “We can do all of these things with you as well if you’re willing to think outside of the box (and often beyond penile/vaginal intercourse).”
Despite the differences, climaxes are relatively similar regardless of your sex.
“Both men and women experience the involuntary release of tension,” notes Engle, “followed by the penis becoming flaccid, the vulva returning to its normal color and the swelling going down.”
Perhaps even more important? The sensation is thought to be essentially the same for both male and female participants.
“The female and male orgasms aren’t that much different from each other in terms of sensation,” says Lords. “In self-reported studies, when people of all genders described their orgasms, researchers were unable to tell which gender was describing their pleasure.”
Wanting to give your partner pleasure is a great approach when it comes to sex. There’s not much worse than a selfish lover who only cares about their own experience.
But wanting to give your partner an orgasm and actually doing so are very different things. So how does one go about it, exactly?
First, you should familiarize yourself with the different parts of a vagina and vulva. If her genitals are different from yours, it won’t hurt to know what the different parts are called, and what they’re like.
“Learn your anatomy so you actually can figure out what you're doing, and how to touch in ways that are actually pleasurable for her,” says sex educator Kenneth Play. “It's a combination of technical skill, anatomy awareness and checking in with her for feedback.”
“If she uses sex toys and masturbates regularly, she’ll definitely know her body better than you do,” notes Lords. “Give her the sensation she says she wants. If she tells you slow, gentle touches on her clit, do that. If she says she needs her breasts stroked during penetration, do that.”
According to O’Reilly, it wouldn’t hurt to “give her multiple choice options:
Just because she has a vagina doesn’t necessarily mean she knows what she’s into. Because girls and young women are often told that sex is wrong or that they shouldn’t engage in it, many have less experience with masturbation or sexual pleasure than boys their age.
“If she doesn’t know what she needs, experiment with touch and sensation,” says Lords. “Start slow and gentle, and ask a lot of questions:
If she’s used to masturbating but doesn’t have experience with partners, Play suggests asking her to show you what she likes.
“If she's struggling, ask if she can masturbate herself to orgasm and then calibrate using the techniques she uses,” he notes. “Mimic what she does, give her the same sensations.”
Women often take longer to climax, making it important not to get frustrated in the early going.
“Don't listen to your dick clock, listen to her clit clock!” explains Play. “What I mean by that is, don't assume that she's finished cumming when you think she's done, keep going until she says she's good or asks you to stop. The orgasm can actually last a bit of time, if done right, and doesn't have the visual cue like ejaculation does. So keep going!”
“Use your hands or encourage her to do the same,” suggests O’Reilly. “Reach down and give her a hand, as external stimulation is more likely to lead to orgasm than vaginal penetration for many people.”
In addition to traditional fingering methods, you could also try something called the “pussy pocket.”
“Place your palm on her pubic mound and let your fingers press all along her lips to create a ‘pocket,’” she adds. “You can rub gently to begin with and then increase the pressure and speed as she gets more and more riled up.”
“Pay attention to the clitoris like it is the center of your universe. The clitoris is the key to orgasm,” says Engle. And according to O’Reilly, that goes for penetration, too.
“If you’re having intercourse, adjust your body so that she can rub her pubic mound against your pubic bone,” she notes. “You may not be able to thrust in and out with the same vigor (which is probably better anyway), but you can still slide inside of her while she rubs her clitoris on the outside.”
If you’re doing things that hurt your partner or make it harder for them to orgasm, you might never succeed at bringing them to climax. Along with the good, what are the female orgasm no-nos you should stay away from?
You should be cognizant that thrusting your penis in a vagina and thrusting, even if you use some great thrusting techniques, may not be enough to make your partner climax.
“Intercourse can and often does feel good,” says Engle. But for the majority of women, she notes, “the clitoris requires stimulation in order to orgasm”
“A lot of guys have this ‘woke bro’ script — you make out, you touchy-touchy, you go down on her, and then f*ck her,” says Play. “But not every woman enjoys all of those things or wants them always done like a script! It's good to be giving, yes, but learn to calibrate, ask for feedback, find out what she likes.”
“Guys have a tendency to think they need to speed up or change things around as their partner becomes aroused,” says Lords. “If your partner says, ‘More!’ or ‘Keep going!’ do not change what you’re doing. You’ve found the right spot, intensity and speed, and until she tells you differently, keep it up.”
“‘Jackhammering’ is what you see in porn a lot,” says Play. “It's not that cervical stimulation isn't pleasurable, but that it's usually more pleasurable after she's already cum a few times. Her clit should already be engorged, she should be aroused and preferably you've given her a few orgasms before you go in like that.”
There are plenty of ways to move your hips aside from this aggressive, infamous porno move.
“Try sliding in as slowly as possible and pulling out quickly,” describes O’Reilly. “Alternate between slow and fast movements. Curl your hips as you slide inside. Undulate your body gently and purposefully. Slide inside, hold still and let her move around to control the speed, depth and angle.”
“Don’t go straight for the goods!” warns O’Reilly. “We know you’ve found the clitoris, but you don’t have to ring it like a doorbell. Instead, slide your hands all around the vulva. Paint figure eights over the lips. Cross your fingers and rotate as you slowly slide in at a shallow depth.”
One of the most embarrassing moments a guy can experience in bed is feeling like you can’t properly please your partner. Worse than just the realization is the sense of pressure you can feel afterwards — the harder and harder you try to make it work, the more nervous you can get, and the situation becomes deeply unsexy for everyone involved.
But what exactly should you do if you’re struggling to get your partner to cum?
“If she starts to have strong reactions (shaking, intense breathing, clenching her thighs around you) don't decide to change your technique then,” says Play. “The biggest complaint I've had women share with me is that their partner changes his motions at the exact wrong moment. So if she seems to like it, keep doing it!”
“Talk to your partner,” says Lords. “Ask what they need you to do, [whether] better or differently. Put your ego aside for this one. This is about giving your partner pleasure, and sometimes it requires hearing that the thing you always do with your tongue or hand doesn’t work.”
“Don’t ask her over and over again, ‘Did you come yet?’” advises O’Reilly. “Pressure is the antithesis to pleasure. It’s great that you’re concerned about her experience, but there are more effective ways to ask for feedback.”
“Tune into your own pleasure,” says O’Reilly. “Don’t get so hung up on ‘giving’ her an orgasm that you’re not enjoying yourself. The more you relax, breathe and really indulge in the experience, the more likely she is to do the same. Breathe deeply and let your sounds flow without inhibition.”
“Spend time exploring and experimenting with each other’s bodies,” suggests Lords. “It’s possible that a different sexual position or just a new way of approaching foreplay will lead to an orgasm, but you’ve got to be willing to try new things.”
“Be open to the idea of sex toys,” says Lords. “It’s not a replacement for you — it’s just a tool to add stimulation. While it’s working on her clit or G-spot, you can be doing a lot of other sexy things together.”
Lots of things in life can be solved with hard work and determination, but sometimes, a little technological boost doesn’t hurt, either.
If you’re looking to spend some money on your partner’s orgasm, here are five great options to consider:
Since clitoral pleasure is so central to many women’s orgasms, if you’re looking to buy her a toy that’ll get her there, it makes sense to use a clitoral toy. Probably the best of the bunch right now is the Womanizer, which uses a patented airflow technology to stimulate the clitoris without overwhelming it. Lots of other brands have come to market with their own version of this concept, but the Womanizer Classic powerful vacuum-style suction is tough to beat. In addition to giving her quick, easy and repeatable orgasms, she’s less much less likely to suffer from a sore clitoris afterwards, making this a great toy both for solo and couples play.
$129 at AdamEve.com
Before airflow tech, massage wand-style vibrators dominated the clitoral pleasure market, and for many they’re still the preferred choice. While they’re big and bulky compared to the slim and trim Womanizer-type toys, with that size comes serious power — and longer battery life. If your partner’s someone who needs a lot of stimulation to climax, a wand massager like this one from legendary sex toy retailer Adam & Eve might be the way to go. It’s got dual speeds, a long handle and a spring head that’s both comfortable and gentle so it doesn’t totally destroy her.
$54.95 at AdamEve.com
If she’s looking for dual G-spot and clitoral pleasure, the uniquely named Tracy’s Dog vibrator could be just the thing for her. It’s a toy that mixes the Womanizer’s clit-sucking airflow concept with a powerful internal vibrator featuring 10 different vibration patterns, meaning the clit and G-spot are in for some seriously simultaneous pleasure. Blended orgasms, anyone? The toy’s flexible enough to accomodate lots of different shapes and sizes, but for couples, it’s better suited to masturbation, anal or oral play, since the clit and vagina are pretty much spoken for when it’s in use.
$46.99 at Amazon.com
One aspect of female pleasure that doesn’t always get the discussion its due is lubrication. Because vaginas often secrete a lubricating agent during arousal, lots of people assume that that’s enough — but it isn’t for everyone, or in every case. If you’re trying to make do with just your partner’s natural lubrication (and/or some saliva), you might be subjecting her to painful sex, which is almost always going to make it much harder to orgasm. Fix that ASAP with some lube, like this one from Swiss Navy, which comes in both water-based and silicone-based varieties. The former dries up more quickly but is toy-safe; the latter will stay slippery for longer, but shouldn’t be used with silicone-based toys.
$27.99 at Amazon.com
If the issue with orgasms isn’t a lack of products so much as a lack of confidence in your skills, maybe the place to turn is OMGYES, which believes it can teach any man the secret to female sexual pleasure. The company has been around for several years now, and bases its sexual intel on in-depth interviews with literally thousan
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