Major Problems Young Couples Face Topic
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Major Problems Young Couples Face Topic
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Problems All Couples Face But Don't Talk About
By Adria Valdes Greenhauff / April 7, 2017 9:36 am EST
When we're single, it's easy to fantasize about how much better life will be once we find that perfect person – regular romantic dates, on-demand sex, endless snuggles, and the comfort of having that confidant we can reach out to for support at any time. And while couplehood can be pretty awesome (my husband and I will actually be celebrating our four year wedding anniversary in just a few months), there's a lot that goes on in marriages and relationships that people aren't exactly shouting from the rooftops, especially those who have been together for some time.
"Relationships can be madness but since we are so uneducated about the realness of being together, many people don't realize that this is a common stage in love," renowned celebrity relationship expert Audrey Hope told me in an interview. "It is time to know the truth about relationships, so when the bad times come up, you are prepared."
Here are some of the most common problems couples face but don't necessarily talk about.
If you're anything like me, you've probably become upset with your significant other for things like forgetting to take out the trash or leaving dirty dishes in the sink. If you're anything like me, you've also chosen not to acknowledge that said actions made you mad, but rather waited for your S.O. to figure it out for themselves. When they don't, this of course, makes you even more mad.
"Couples are not great at talking about issues that really matter to them," explained Hope. "People keep storage bins and boxes, and tuck things away hoping they will disappear. In order for relationships to work, each person must learn how to speak and say what they mean."
Hope also stresses that too often we assume that our partners know what we are feeling, when in fact, they often have no idea. "Good old fashioned sitting down and talking eye to eye can heal many problems."
When we do get around to communicating — or at least trying to — it doesn't always end up in a productive discussion. In fact, many couples resort to screaming, bickering, and name-calling as a means of getting their point across.
Life coach Nathan Whitson says that this is a natural overflow of weak communication within our relationships. "We try to work around each other and not with each other," he explained to me. "When this happens, we fight. Rarely is it done in a helpful or fair manner." Instead, he says, we speak rashly and with an off-putting tone. "Our spouse hears this and responds with the same, and around and around we go, spiraling out of control because we have never learned to fight fair."
Instead of lashing out in the heat of the moment, Julienne Derichs , a licensed clinical professional counselor, suggests trying to revisit the topic once your emotions have settled. "If a couple never circles back around to the issue that caused conflict to begin with the same issue will only come up again in their next fight," she said. "Now you are fighting about the unresolved issue and the one that's happening right now . . . it goes on and on until someone gets overwhelmed and walks away."
In the beginning of a relationship, we typically want to spend every waking moment with our new sweetie. Whether it's dinner on a Wednesday, Netflx and chillin' on Thursday, or an impromptu weekend road trip, no work deadline or family commitment is too important to keep us away from our boo. Fast-forward several years and too often the excitement has faded, leaving a monotonous coexistence in its place. "Over time, a lack of communication and not learning to fight fair takes a toll on our homes," said Whitson. "We don't feel like communicating because it usually ends badly and it becomes easier to focus on everything but each other. This is a recipe for disaster . . . we drift slowly apart and wonder where it all went wrong."
Derichs agrees, saying that slow-moving but ongoing emotional, physical, intellectual, and experiential disconnection happens to couples more often than we think. "Couples don't realize the many subtle ways they are 'turning away' rather than 'turning towards' their [significant other] . . . this often leads to chronic disconnection which becomes a big problem in relationships."
While taking our relationships for granted is common, relationship expert Inga Verbeeck, who founded the exclusive matchmaking agency Ivy International , explains that it doesn't have to be inevitable. "Make sure to make time to go on date nights and celebrate special occasions," she said. "Just make time for each other and make sure it's well spent!"
Life today is so stressful when it comes to money and making ends meet. Throw a relationship into the mix and it becomes even more complicated. Even if both of you are doing well financially, there is still a budget to work out and decide who's going to be responsible for what in your relationship."Money is the number one issue in relationships at all stages — beginning, middle and end," Hope told me. "So many women are shut down and don't know what their partners have. There is no fine clear line of how it works and so resentments build."
Relationship expert April Masini agrees, telling me, "People carry stigmas about money from their families into their adult relationships. These stigmas include feelings of guilt and failure." She added that many people feel that talking money is distasteful and might even try to avoid the topic at all costs.
To avoid conflict, Hope suggests learning how your partner feels about money early on. "There has to be discussions about how you both feel so there is mutual respect, and no one holds on to feelings that fester."
"Why is he being so secretive with the credit card statement?" "Who is she texting all the time?" "Why does he have to leave the room to have that phone conversation?" "Why doesn't she want to be friends with me on Facebook?"
These are just some of the questions that, according to Jeffrey Savitt , a professional divorce mediator in New York City, indicate a lack of trust within our relationship. "The list goes on and on," he explained. "And when there isn't open and honest communication between partners, lack of trust grows and can be fatal to a relationship."
Derichs adds that trust is a key component to every successful relationship. "Call it what you will, when one person lies in the relationship, there is a break in the foundation," she said. " A solid relationship must be built on trust. If something betrays that trust, and the couple just picks up and goes back to life, eventually there will be an earthquake. Authenticity on both parties is the secret key to happiness."
Like trust, respect is also a vital component in any relationship that stands a chance at longevity, Derichs told me. "Trust and respect are the foundation in which a healthy relationship sits upon."
Savitt agrees, saying that losing respect for one another is a common problem that can ruin a relationship. "Sometimes in life we have certain expectations of those closest to us, and when those aren't met, it can be easy to forget what we once loved about the other person," he said. "We can look down on them and be dismissive of them. There are few things more devastating than to be looked upon with such negative judgment, especially when that gaze was once loving."
It's easy to look at any cute, hand-holding couple out on the street and assume that they must be getting it on, like all the time. But according to Jonathan Bennett, a certified counselor who also runs ThePopularMan.com , more often than not, this is far from the truth.
"Many couples are unsatisfied with their sex lives, whether it's infrequency, lack of attraction, or a stale, vanilla approach," he told me. "Typically, this occurs because, like with many aspects of a long term relationship, setting occurs in a couple's sex life. They no longer have the adventurism or energy that fueled their sex lives in their younger days."
When sparks fizzle out between the sheets, it can cause other issues, as well, said Savitt. "Intimacy can mean many things. When people feel alienated from each other, when even just regular communication is lacking, it does not create the emotional closeness that creates desire and intimacy," he said. "Not having the sex life one might want, feels like one of the most painful rejections a person can suffer. The result can be lashing out, fighting, misery, and in some cases, infidelity."
When we first fall in love, it's almost as if our partner can do no wrong. From their clumsiness to their sense of humor, everything is swoon-worthy and adorable. But, as we spend more time with someone, those oh-so-cute quirks can sometimes become, well, sort of annoying.
"When people first meet and fall in love, there is a great deal of idealization of the other," explained Sue Mandel, Ph.D. , a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Encino, California. "Over time, since none of us are perfect, individuals whose expectations are unrealistic tend to become disappointed and frustrated, even resentful."
In order to have a successful relationship, Mandel says that we must realize that we can't change our partners, even their less than desirable habits.
Let's face it. No one really likes to admit when they're wrong. And when it comes to relationship problems, many find it easier to blame things on their partners, rather than take responsibility for our own feelings and actions.
"Bonding with someone and entwining your life together does not give anyone the right to blame the other person for your own unhappiness. This is the common 'he did this' or 'she did that'," explained Hope. "Most therapies begin with these sayings, and it is not about the other person. You never get to be a victim in a relationship. In spiritual law, we are all responsible for ourselves and are the creator of our own reality."
The bottom line: own up to your stuff. You partner will respect you for it.
It's no secret that relationships are a lot of work. They take trust, patience, compromise, and a whole slew of life skills. That's why, Hope says, we should strive toward becoming the best version of ourselves before jumping into any serious relationship.
"The best way to have a great love relationship is to be healed and whole in your own self," she said. "Find happiness in your own court, on your own side of the rink, so you are free to love without blame."
Hope added, "We must become what we wish to find, so become your list. Look within and quit using the relationship as an excuse to stop living your dreams. Go into the relationship as an individual and stay that way. This is the secret to love."
7 Relationship Problems Faced By Couples Who Marry Young
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20 Most Common Marriage Problems Faced by Married Couples
6 Common Marriage Problems and Solutions
You're bound to run into these relationship roadblocks at some point.
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1. You learn your partner can't really be your everything.
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2. Your phone will come between you and your partner.
3. The sex isn't always going to be hot.
4. You're not going to meet all your #relationshipgoals.
5. Your partner won't let go of their bad habits.
6. Money will come between you and your spouse.
7. Monogamy will prove to be a challenge.
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When a relationship is brand new, loving your partner comes easy. You're still hyper curious about each other and growing as a couple every day. But eventually, you're bound to encounter some roadblocks that will test your love.
Below, marriage therapists share seven major challenges every couple faces and how to navigate them.
We expect a lot from our partners: They should be our soulmates , our BFFs, our sounding boards, our financial and career advisers, our sexual partners and our parenting partners. The truth is, though, it's nearly impossible for any human being to meet all of those demands, said St. Louis-based therapist Angela Skurtu.
"Those needs can be addressed by a variety of people, including yourself," she said. "For instance, if you're an extrovert married to an introvert , chances are you may need to have a few extra friends to hang out with other than your spouse. That doesn’t mean you can’t go out with each other as well. It just means that you have to find another way to meet your need for extroversion."
When you first started dating, your phone was a welcome middleman in your relationship: You'd text each other through the night and send cute heart-eyed emojis throughout the day. But the longer you're together, the more likely it is that your smart phone will get in the way of your connection as a couple, said Andrea Wachter , a psychotherapist based in Northern California.
"It’s so easy in our fast-paced, plugged-in culture to lose touch with the connection we once had in those early days of dating," Wachter told us.
To prove to your partner that face time with them in real life is more important than screen time , surprise them one night by putting your phone away and telling them you want to have an actual device-free conversation.
"Truly focus on what they have to say," Wachter said. "Remind yourself that if it's important enough for them to share it with you, it deserves your undivided attention."
Prepare yourself for some lackluster sex at some point: From changes in sexual desire to disconnected schedules and just being too damn busy, action in the bedroom is bound to get put on the back burner eventually. To get past a breakdown in intimacy, Wachter says couples need to prioritize simply touching each other, even if it doesn't culminate in having sex.
"Lack of intimacy is often a result of deeper issues ," she said. "Couples need to let go of sex as the ultimate goal and start simpler, with hand holding, kissing or a massage. The more you treat each other like friends who take the time to to know one another in all ways, the more likely you are to rekindle the spark of love and intimacy."
You likely entered into the relationship with long-held ideas about what it means to be in love: You thought you'd never spend more than three nights apart, just like your parents, or you hoped you'd learn each other's love language and truly act according to them.
While relationship goals are great, the truth is, some of your expectations will probably never be met, said Laurel Steinberg, a sex and relationship therapist and adjunct professor of psychology at Columbia University.
Look on the bright side, though: Some of your expectations will likely be exceeded. " You just need to keep your expectations as 'wants' and not 'needs,'" Steinberg suggested.
It drove you nuts the first time she stayed over and left globs of hair in the shower drain. In an ideal world, you'd politely mention it once or twice and she'd soon enough change her ways -- but you're not living in that ideal world. Loving your S.O. means accepting their bad habits, said Stephanie Buehler, a psychologist and sex therapist in Southern California. She used an example from her own marriage to illustrate her point:
My husband of 30 years frequently eats a banana in the morning and then leaves the peel in the sink. It doesn’t matter that he trained me to put my used, wet tea bags in the trash instead of the sink because my habit drove him nuts -- he still does it with the peel. This is where love comes in handy, as well as compassion. It must be difficult for my husband to remember to put his peel down the disposal or into the trash. I have compassion for him. I love him. Therefore, I continue to remind him, but I also just deal with his banana peel for him. That’s marriage right there.
The Beatles were wrong when they claimed "all you need is love." You also need the ability to navigate some truly rocky financial waters together, said Amanda Deverich , a marriage and family therapist based in Williamsburg, Virginia.
"From what I've seen, financial stress is a leading cause of depression in men and depression often causes partners to withdraw and makes it more difficult for couples to solve problems," she said.
To offset money-related stressors, band together as a team to tackle problems as they come, said Deverich. "If you don't, one partner will become responsible for the money and that will create a lopsided dynamic that causes resentment and distance."
Staying faithful is hard work. You're inevitably going to be attracted to other people, you'll wonder if you made the right choice in settling for just one partner, and it's quite likely that one or even both of you will be tempted to have an emotional or physical affair. Infidelity is more common than you'd think, said Buehler.
The important thing to remember is that while staying monogamous is hard, it's totally worth the effort -- if you both want it.
"You have to have an open conversation about monogamy because it is restrictive and probably unnatural ," said Buehler. "But going to work in a car every morning is unnatural, too -- we still do it, though, because like monogamy, it has benefits."
Senior Lifestyle Reporter, HuffPost
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