Madonna Whore Paradigm

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Madonna Whore Paradigm
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Author Kathy Batesel writes about topics she has experienced, worked with, or researched thoroughly.
Madonna refers to the Virgin Mary, who reputedly bore Jesus through Immaculate Conception.
"We used to be intimate at least a couple of times a week, but soon after we married, his sex drive waned."
Women who marry a man prone to the so-called Madonna-whore syndrome, also known as a "virgin-whore complex" or sometimes simply "Madonna syndrome," can spend years trying to figure out what is wrong with them.
It's especially confusing when their husbands seem to have enough libido to have extramarital affairs, or who claim to be attracted, but then rarely want to get frisky.
Keep reading to learn about Madonna-whore syndrome, how it differs from other causes of infrequent sex, and whether it's treatable.
The psychiatric community does not formally recognize Madonna-whore syndromes as a valid diagnosis. The concept originated with Sigmund Freud, who observed that some men had trouble relating to their wives, presumably due to their relationships with the first significant woman in their lives: Mom.
Sexual intimacy is a completely different experience for women who have high self-esteem than it is for women who have low self-esteem. However, both types of women can find themselves married to a man with a Madonna complex. They question themselves and their husbands as they try to understand what is happening.
Most experts claim that having intercourse ten times a year or less qualifies as a sexless marriage, while others say that the definition should rely upon whether the partners feel satisfied with their own frequency or not. After all, they say, once a month might be great for an octogenarian, but not for a couple in their mid-20s.
When it comes to a relationship where a Madonna syndrome is present, there is a predictable pattern.
Prior to marriage, sexual relations appear "normal." That's to say that the couple is intimate on a regular basis at least weekly. Often, they'll have physical relations several times a week.
After their wedding, the frequency may stay the same for a while or it may drop. Once children enter the family, however, they may discover that they have sex rarely or not at all because he cannot imagine the caretaker of his children being the "bad girl" too.
Only a doctor can rule out physical conditions that can contribute to an ongoing lack of desire, so a physical exam is highly recommended!
Relationships afflicted with the MW Syndrome suffer. Photo: Harsha K.R. Licensed CC-SA 2.0
Early in the relationship, a man with Madonna-whore syndrome is sexually attracted to his new partner. He doesn't yet know her well enough to determine if she's a "good girl," like the holy Madonna. He does know that when he marries, he wants to marry a good girl, but in the meantime, he's excited by sexually assertive women.
His new lady presents an interesting dilemma that keeps him chasing. She wants to take things slowly, she says. Alternately, she may not initiate the slowed pace but instead, reacts to his claim that he wants to take time developing their relationship instead of rushing in. Either way, this is a test of sorts. A woman who takes things slowly is someone he can classify as a good girl, while a woman who has a high interest in sex falls into his category of "whore."
He'll take the good girl to meet his family. He'd be willing to marry a good girl. He wants to have children with a good girl. A "whore" on the other hand, is someone who he finds sexually appealing, exciting, but not worthy of commitment.
As his new relationship progresses and he learns more about his new partner, he starts categorizing her accordingly:
Men who exhibit Madonna-whore complex can be misogynistic (meaning "woman-hating,") but many aren't aware of their contributions to their marital problems. Most often, they feel devastated to learn that their wives have started emotional or physical affairs. Only then do they recognize that they neglected her and the relationship, and they want to return the relationship to its status quo.
Many of these men feel very much in love with their wives—and have always felt that way. With the exception of sexual intimacy, they are devoted, attentive, and good providers. However, something subconscious prevents them from approaching her as a sexual equal. (Sigmund Freud speculated it was related to a man's relationship with his mother.) In some cases, they feel they're being disrespectful or treating her as an object if they seduce her.
This man wrote about his experience on Health Central :
Like the other guys with this disorder, sex with all the other women was a blast and they were just our "whores." The sluttier a woman was the more I was into her. I never loved them though, Never could I love such a woman! I may have told them I did, but that was just so that I could keep getting what I was getting. Is that right of me? Absolutely not! I feel horrible and ashamed for having treated those women that way. As for my wife, she is the most precious jewel in the world to me. I love my wife, I adore my wife!!!!! Now why in the freaking world can I not make love to her?????
Some experts believe that all narcissists have this complex, and that their humiliating, dehumanizing behaviors result from it. Others believe that when a man categorizes women in this way, he automatically is a woman-hater (misogynist). However, there is no solid evidence to support these claims.
A misogynistic male might think, "She's had sex with a dozen men! There's no way I'd want to be with that promiscuous slut." Another guy might avoid her and feel uncomfortable without being able to pinpoint exactly why. A third man might pursue her because he finds her exciting. All three of these men could still have MW complexes that drive them to categorize her as a "whore" rather than as a "good" girl.
Because a Madonna-whore complex isn't viewed as a psychiatric disorder, there is no particular diagnosis or prescribed treatment. In fact, most people who have sought marital counseling with their partners say that counseling did not work.
The Madonnas who have spent many years married to a husband with MWC say that wearing sexy lingerie doesn't work. Their husbands simply cannot allow themselves to see their pure, wonderful wife get sexually defiled, so they ignore and avoid her attempts to seduce him. At worst, they may belittle or ridicule her attempts.
Deeply rooted psychological issues like these are nearly impossible to change. Personality disorders, for instance, can be treated to some extent but aren't recognized as curable. However, highly motivated individuals who recognize that they want to change may be able to improve to at least some degree. So how could this work in the MWC?
Dr. Nerdlove's article on this subject raises what may be an important point:
Men are frequently portrayed as being absolutely at the mercy of their own sexual desires, leaving women as the guardians of morality. Men, already feeling at a disadvantage, resent the authority and power over sex that women represent and blame women for their feelings of… impotence. Regulating female sexuality into the acceptable form – under the authority of men (the Madonna) and the unacceptable form – acting in a manner similar to men (the Whore) provides the illusion of control.
Many men have reported that as their children grow, they start perceiving their wives as being in control of the family and they begin to feel as if she's in control of them as well.
Taken together, it seems that two important elements are at play in a Madonna-Whore scenario. The man is willing to submit to his woman in most ways, but submitting sexually to her desires means debasing his family's morality, something that he finds unacceptable. In order to change this, any treatment must be focused on helping him do two things:
Some therapists claim that NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) is effective, but I found no instances where someone reported that they'd found success using this method. Sex therapists are best suited for handling MWC because they're the most likely to be familiar with its dynamics. As noted in this New York Times article on sexual desire, tackling the underlying reasons causing lack of desire are necessary to generate changes.
If a couple isn't ready to seek outside help, here are some unproven suggestions to consider:
1. The man must feel safe enough to acknowledge his beliefs and feelings. This means he must not worry that he'll be judged or criticized if he reveals what's making him tick.
2. The woman in his life, whether she is Madonna or his whore, can invite him to "help" her solve her problem.
If she is his Madonna, the problem is that she feels too confined being a "good girl," and would treasure a "protector" who makes it possible to break out of such a confining role without compromising anyone's morals. After explaining this, she might ask him to be that protector and advise her on how to go about having a "safe zone" to pretend she's a bad girl. This might involve some role-play or perhaps light bondage, but only within the safe zone he sets up. He may be able to let himself see "pretending" to be bad as an acceptable activity for himself and his Madonna as long as he feels secure knowing it won't truly corrupt her or damage the family's reputation.
If he's seeing her as the whore, she might ask him to guide her to be a "better woman." Such a request doesn't mean she isn't a terrific woman already, it just means that she's using phrases he can understand. (I don't know that there's a lot of hope here, though, since he's motivated to commit himself only to the Madonna types.)
3. Get informed. The book above reveals a survey that followed 4,000 couples in sexless marriages to discern what contributed to their sexless marriages, and includes a chapter on what other couples are doing to address their problems.
Marriages can be relatively happy despite MW Syndrome, but many do not survive it.
Some women stay married to men who have a Madonna-whore complex for decades. Their relationship tends to be good in every other way. They're best friends with their husband and are treated well by him everywhere except in the bedroom.
Others have affairs to meet their needs after months or years of exhausting themselves trying to find a solution.
Most eventually divorce. The wear-and-tear on a woman's self-esteem can be grueling and eventually, she thinks it's "just not worth it anymore."
There is no right or wrong way to cope with this issue. There's just the "best way you can".
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

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In their next column for TheLatch—, BARE Therapy looks into the existence and origin of the Madonna-whore complex.
The founder of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, is best known for his neuro-theories around sexuality and the unconscious mind (he coined the term ‘ego’!).
Way back in the early 1900s, Freud identified a psychological dichotomy in his male patients known as the ‘Madonna-Whore complex’. Men (back then, but relevant to all genders now) with this complex saw women as either saints or prostitutes, loving the first and desiring the second — though never intertwining both.
As Freud said, “Where such men love, they have no desire and where they desire, they cannot love.” The theory originally was said to stem from a man’s relationship with his mother, though has become fluid over time.
Today, the Madonna-whore dichotomy ultimately means that women have to be either pure and ‘virginal’ or sexual and forthcoming. Never both.
A woman’s sexuality is a sliding scale throughout her life and that the way we express our desires for sexual pleasure publicly and personally can change over time. However, therapists today are still seeing people with this psychological complex, And it can have a huge impact on relationships.
There are two major milestones where the Madonna-whore dichotomy comes into play in today’s modern world:
Particularly popular in cultures with beliefs against sex before marriage, it can often be hard for partners to switch — literally over(their wedding)night — from seeing their girlfriend as a pure, untouched ‘girl’ turn into a woman with desires for pleasure that she wants to have met.
People with this psychological complex see a change in personality in their female partner and don’t wish to — and sometimes can’t — ‘degrade’ her by having sex, leading to frustration and anger on both sides of the relationship.
This moment was captured well in an episode of Sex and the City between Charlotte (played by Kristin Davis) and Trey (played by Kyle MacLachlan). Followng their wedding, Trey is unable to perform as he sees Charlotte as the virginal character who he wed. To switch this perception, Charlotte plays with herself in front of him to show she is, in fact, a woman with desires.
Starting the conversation about sex and desire in the weeks ahead of the wedding (I.e. ‘I can’t wait until our wedding night when we finally get to be with one another’) can also plant the seed of fluid sensuality and can make the first few months of marriage easier on both of you.
In motherhood, the dichotomy tends to work in reverse – from ‘whore’ to ‘Madonna’. Through the eyes of the complex, a woman may be seen as a sensual being with desires and hunger for pleasure, until she falls pregnant.
Pregnancy and birth are incredible feats for women. Holding a child for nine months and bringing them into the world is one of the purest things humans can do, so it makes sense that some partners may find it difficult to see women as sexual beings once baby is out in the world. However, it can be frustrating when a woman’s sexual desire comes back in the months after becoming a mother and is not met by her partner.
The Madonna-whore complex can be particularly prevalent when a baby is born ‘naturally’, through the birth canal. Prior to her giving birth, a partner may have seen a woman’s vulva as something to be desired, a place to play and enjoy for themselves. After giving birth, this view can change to become purer as their partner’s vulva becomes the thing that gives life, something related to their child rather than to sex and pleasure.
Again, conversations about this milestone before the fact can help to ‘normalise’ it within your own relationship to ensure sensuality remains alive after giving birth.
Just as life is not black and white, the same goes for our sexuality. Women are not to be put into a box — either as saintly virgins (Madonnas) or easy prostitutes (whores). The level of our sensuality should be allowed to be fluid and not at all dependent on the opinion of others.
If your partner is having trouble adjusting their perception of you in the bedroom, have an honest conversation with them about how this makes you feel, either alone or with a therapist. Heck, show them this article if you feel it could help! But don’t ever make yourself smaller than you are to fit into a box for them.
BARE Therapy provides the hottest tips for great sex and positive relationships. Get your pleasure at @baretherapy .
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Lots to Read > Health & Lifestyle > Madonna-whore Complex – The Saint or the Slut?


A professional blogger and an IT freak. The atypical combo of a Civil Service aspirant and a Tech enthusiast.

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The Madonna-whore Complex is one of the most prevalent but least recognized complexes. It explains the misogynistic mindset of society towards women and their problematic characterization.
The complex was identified by Sigmund Freud , the father of psychoanalysis, decades ago. But it still holds water, even today.
The Madonna-whore complex conveniently explains how men divide women into two groups, namely the Madonnas and the whores. The Madonnas are highly respected, acclaimed, asexual, loved but not desired. However the whores are considered as impure, tainted, sexual yet desired.
Ironically, desire and love are kept on very different pages following the complex. Sigmund Freud beautifully quoted,
“Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love.”
The theory was written for men specifically but has become gender fluid over time.
The Madonna-whore Complex can have a drastically negative impact on relationships and marriages.
In cultures where sex before marriage is considered a sin, the female partner has to transform from a pure, dignified entity to someone with sexual desires in the period of a wedding night. 
Sufferers of the complex don’t wish to degrade their partners by having sexual intercourse with them. As a result, this leads to anger and frustration at both the ends of the relationship.
Specifically in developing countries or the Muslim-majority nations, the complex is so deeply rooted in the people’s mindsets that it has become a culture and isn’t even recognized as undesirable by society.
The most affected community by this complex is that of men, who have different standards for choosing their girlfriends and opposite for their wives.
This complex immensely strains relationships because the loved ones are not desired and the desired ones cannot be loved.
It is a double-edged sword, the female partner continues to repress her sexuality but despite her efforts, she remains undesired. On the contrary, a man who loves and respects his partner but doesn’t desire her.
This creates a void in relationships which either leads to depression, separation, or maybe more drastic results.
Slut-shaming is the practice of stigmatizing a woman for her behavior and being sexually active .
The Madonna-whore Complex is a major contributor to the mindset of the people who are involved in such activities. The men who suffer from the aforementioned complex, have already set up some boundaries.
Consequently, the ones who cross those ‘limits’ are sluts, according to their sick mentality. The Female gender, all over the world has always been dictated to limit their sexuality to themselves.
The general notion of society is that no women can ever be kind, generous, affectionate, pure, and sexually empowered at the same time.
There hardly has been any woman (or girl), who has not been trapped by the judgemental eyes of
"Master Pc"
Trannt Porn
Kinky Granny