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My wife and her friends traveled to Miami Beach to celebrate turning 50 this year. The other day at work, I received a call from the husband of my wife's friend. I think I have met this guy maybe once or twice. He said that he checked his wife's text messages on the cloud and suggested I do the same. When I asked him what should I expect to find, he said, "You will see that their laid-back vacation was not about relaxing, but rather trying to get laid." His words, not mine.
I have what I consider to be a strong marriage, and I hate to think that I have to start prying into my wife's phone for dirt. My better judgement tells me to just leave this alone. If she was unfaithful, oh well, as it would not be worth the trouble to turn my life upside down at this stage of my life. I would be quite upset, however, if this was the case, and I'm not too sure I can just forget about it. Your advice would be appreciated.
Your gut is steering you in the right direction. You'd rather not snoop, so don't. You have every reason to believe in your marriage, because texts can mean anything. Sometimes messages among friends are just a joke. Maybe they were texting about getting their collective groove back, but really they were just making light of the fact that they were at the Cheesecake Factory in Coconut Grove.
The only decision you need to make is whether you want to tell your wife about the phone call. If this guy is going to start making trouble, calling around, and telling his own wife that you're in on the snoop, you might want to get ahead of the problem. Depending on how you left it with this guy, it might be worth telling your wife that he called, but that you had no interest in his conspiracy theories. The heads up might keep you on the same team.
Readers? Should he check her phone? Should he tell her about the phone call?

"The other husband sounds like a tool, you should mention the call to your wife." – JoJo----
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CAN’T HELP MYSELF is Meredith’s memoir about giving advice, learning from readers, working with an ex, and moms and daughters. It’s also a story about how an online community can become another kind of family.

Early Prime Day deals & all the facts
Early Prime Day deals & all the facts
Early Prime Day deals & all the facts
Early Prime Day deals & all the facts
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My husband and I have a fairly traditional marriage. I stay home with the kids and he goes out into the world and “slays dragons.” (Well, he works for the local gas and water company, but “slays dragons” sounds more edgy, doesn’t it?) We are your typical chaotic family.
On any given day, I’m breaking up sibling squabbles, staring into my pantry to see if the “dinner fairy” has again overlooked me, and trying to tame the calendar. Oh, I also clean up the dog poop. Besides his regular job, my husband juggles his fair share of home responsibilities, too — cars, lawns, broken stuff, clogged pipes and precarious “about to fall” tree limbs. In addition to all this, we care for two elderly family members.
My husband and I are Christians and therefore I believe that it is my calling to be a “submissive” wife. So, what does submission look like for me? I am submissive in that while my husband and I openly discuss all major decisions that impact our family, I ultimately yield to his decisions. We agree on some things; we disagree on others. That’s marriage, but when it comes down to deciding time, I defer to him.
Certainly submission does not mean going against what I believe is right or moral. For example, if a husband tells his wife she should “steal,” then she would be completely justified in not submitting to him. And submission absolutely does not mean a woman should overlook abuse (either of herself or her children).
But I do seek my husband’s advice and opinion and defer to him on many decisions. I believe that he is the head of the house and I respect his leadership role. This isn’t hard for me. I am fortunate to have a husband who “loves his wife as Christ loved the church,” which is part of a verse from the Bible (Ephesians 5:21-32) that instructs husbands to care for their wives.
So, despite what many people think, submission for me is not so hard. The life of a submissive wife is a daily reality for many Christian couples. And I wouldn’t exchange roles for anything. In fact, our traditional roles and Christian values have led to a great sex life.
So what does this have to do with sex?
Let me clarify that when I say “submission” in regards to sexual intimacy, I am not talking about a wife automatically doing whatever her husband wants sexually, especially if what he wants flies in the face of what the Bible commands. For example, if your husband wants to have a threesome or wants you to view pornography, this would be adulterous, which certainly is outside the bounds of God’s design for sex.
If, on the other hand, your husband simply wants to try a new position or add some variety, I urge you to not instantly say “no” without some legitimate discussion and prayer.
The Christian model for a marriage encourages women to be modest, but that doesn’t inhibit us from sexual expression with our husbands. In fact, in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, God says that husbands and wives should not withhold their bodies from each other. Sexual intimacy is a mutually-shared endeavor, where both the husband and wife bear responsibility. And let’s not forget, orgasms were designed by God. And orgasms feel really, really good.
Odds are that because the clitoris is a bit less predictable than the penis, your husband is going to need your help in understanding what it is going to take to make you climax. This is where sexual confidence can strengthen your marriage. You both need to learn with each other and from each other what arousal looks like for each of you.
Because I submit to my husband, I feel confident in his care and love and this gives me sexual confidence as well. We have a mutual sense of safety and trust that can’t help but lead to great sex. I believe God gives good gifts to married couples to be savored and enjoyed, not ignored and treated carelessly. My husband and I do enjoy a tremendously satisfying sex life, because we have grown in our sexual confidence and because we are secure in our roles for our marriage.
Another way that submissiveness outside of bed lends itself well in bed is that my husband and I have grown in our vulnerability. Without a doubt, because I am a submissive wife and my husband “loves me as Christ loved the church,” we have really learned to listen to each other with respect. This equips us to be able to say what we like sexually and to really listen to one another.
We have a foundation that allows us to be able to say when we make love, “I like it when you (fill in the blank with random exciting sexual details).” It’s so reassuring to have that kind of vulnerability that leads to great sex!
All too often, people think that a good Christian wife isn’t sexually confident; however, following the traditional plan for marriage that God has outlined in the Bible has given me an immense confidence not only in bed, but in my husband’s love and care for me.
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"At the time, it didn't even cross my mind that they had ulterior motives."
Maybe it's the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or the realization that Taylor Swift songs are really, really catchy. The point is: There are many things that will happen to you in life that you just can't prepare for. And in my case, it was when my friends invited me and my wife on vacation...to have sex with us.
My then-wife and I were living in a small town in Rhode Island. Being somewhat new to the area, we were still in the process of making new friends. Joe (we'll call him) was a fun-loving guy—the type to always be first on the dance floor at our favorite watering hole, pulling whomever was nearest to him along. He was handsome in his own way with blond hair and a muscular build.
His wife "Kim" was a total blonde-haired, blue-eyed babe. She was the type of woman you do a double-take for. We met by chance at a mutual friend's party a few months back. At the time, they had been married for just a year or so and were clearly still in the newlywed stage, evidenced by the way they hung all over each other.
Thinking back, I should've seen the red flags.
One night, standing in the middle of the dance floor, Kim spun away from Joe and pulled me close (really close, nose-to-nose close) and gave my ear a little nibble. I dismissed it as alcohol-induced behavior.
"They were clearly still in the newlywed stage, evidenced by the way they hung all over each other."
Not long into our newfound friendship and many of these red-flag moments later, Joe and Kim invited my wife and me to accompany them on an all-expense paid trip to North Carolina's Outer Bank.
At the time, it didn't even cross my mind that they had ulterior motives. I remember thinking, "GREAT! Who doesn't love a vacation? Who cares that we don't know each other that well. Life is all about adventure!" (I was clearly a young and naive lad.)
The night before our trip, the four of us went out to dinner. The drinks were flowing and the conversation turned to how lucky we all felt about becoming "insta-besties."
But the first physical tell-tale sign of what was to come happened when I found myself trying to ignore the subtle footsies coming from our friend's wife. Again, I chalked it up to booze and off we went on a big jet plane to one of the most beautiful places on the East Coast.
During hotel check-in, things started to get… interesting. We were informed they had only booked one room.
"Oops," Joe said. "It must have been a mix-up."
Watch men and women spill the honest truth about exactly what they think about cheating:
Unfortunately, my swingers radar hadn't kicked in and it didn't even occur to me that this was premeditated. As soon as we found ourselves all getting settled in, we put our swimsuits on and headed poolside to soak in some rays and sip a few mojitos.
"The drinks were flowing and the conversation turned to how lucky we all felt about becoming 'insta-besties.'"
That night, we hit the bars hard. Everyone was pretty drunk and we might've gotten a bit touchy with one another, but some cross-flirtation is normal between couple-friends, right? We're human.
The following night, Kim instructed Joe to take me out for a "few" drinks. Looking back, clearly, she was itching to spend some alone time with my wife.
A little bro-time never hurts so we headed off into the more populated strip of bars and proceeded to get sh*tfaced.
Joe slammed back a shot and blurted out, "Do you want to see a picture?" His phone slid across the table and I found myself staring at a rather naked woman in (ahem) a somewhat compromising position.
He took the phone back and proceeded to tell me there was more where that came from, and that his wife thought I was really hot. The rules of man code immediately went racing through my drunken head.
How do I respond to this? Is he crossing a line with me? Did I just cross a line with him seeing this picture?
To be honest, my curiosity was drunkenly piqued. So, I asked him what he was getting at. He continued to press that his wife was into me and that he thought my wife was very beautiful.
"The rules of man code immediately went racing through my drunken head."
Then he laid it all out, explaining that the reason they asked us to come on vacation was to sleep with us.
I quickly told him I needed a drink and went to the men's room to call my wife. Apparently, the hangover from the night before had stopped her from drinking much at the hotel, and it seemed like Kim didn't make her aware of the situation.
She heard my frantic tone and asked if I was OK. In that moment, I weighed telling her Joe's true intentions against letting this play out; we still had another two days to go on the trip. Things could get all sorts of weird.
"I'm fine honey. Yep, be home in a bit."
I took a moment to stare into the bathroom mirror and go over my options.
I could either take this gentleman up on his offer and dive headfirst into the swinger's world (with my wife's approval, of course) or I could excuse myself politely and leave the situation in a way that didn't cause a rift.
Option three lurked as well: Grab my lady, head to the airport, and get out of dodge.
In my drunken state I shook my head and said, "Oh, I didn't realize that you guys were swingers. I'm flattered by the offer, but my wife and I aren't into that."
I saw his face drop. Did the two of us give off the wrong signals? I'm a flirt, yes, but I don't think I give off the aura of Swinger For Hire.
The rest of that night went downhill very quickly, as did the rest of the trip. He proceeded to order shot after shot and get blackout drunk, leaving me to carry a guy who had at least 50 pounds on me back to the hotel room. Once there, he worshipped the porcelain throne whilst simultaneously explaining to his girlfriend (loudly) that he'd failed to convince me.
"I'm a flirt, yes, but I don't think I give off the aura of Swinger For Hire."
We ended up sticking it out, and a day and half later we all flew back. We didn't see much of each other after that.
Honestly, I liked them both and wish things had gone differently, but there are a few lessons I hope they learned from this trip.
But what do I know? Maybe it's worked for them before. I'll never judge a book by its cover again, that's for sure.

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