Love Sex Dreams

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Love Sex Dreams
No, your sex dream about a coworker doesn't mean you should leave your partner.
Sophie Saint Thomas is a New York-based writer originally from the Caribbean. She is Allure ’s resident astrologer and the author of Finding Your Higher Self: Your Guide to Cannabis for Self-Care (Adams Media), a guide to self-care and marijuana, and [*Sex Witch: Magickal Spells for Love, Lust, and... Read more
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Trigger warning: This piece mentions sexual assault and PTSD.
Sex dreams can be incredibly hot — or leave you waking up in a panic, depending on the context. Some nights, you may wake up confused and scared if your dream was about cheating, an ex, or past trauma. On a better night, you may wake up on top of the world after a sex dream about Rihanna . But according to clinical psychologist and sleep expert Michael Breus , sex dreams of all kinds are perfectly normal and even healthy. "Sexual dreams appear to start when a child is going through puberty," Breus tells Allure . While Breus says most people have fewer sexual dreams after puberty, they don't end there altogether. In fact, sex therapist Holly Richmond says that about 80 percent of her clients talk to her about their erotic dreams. 
You may be one of those people who doesn't dream much ; on the other hand, you may be lucky enough to experience lucid dreaming . For many of us, the pandemic has even affected our dreams . But if you're worried about the erotic content of your slumber, the experts say common sex dream scenarios include exes, celebrities, cheating, and can even be accompanied by orgasms. There are also nightmares that can be sexual in nature but disturbing, especially if you are a rape survivor and experience PTSD. Or, you may simply unearth some new fantasies during your slumber and feel unsure how to navigate the experience. To better understand why we have sex dreams, the different types, and what they mean, Allure spoke with several experts to break it down. Spoiler alert: The brain loves to dream about the forbidden.
Often we have sex dreams about those who are off-limits, such as our boss or a coworker. These dreams are prevalent, says Richmond, but rather than indicating that you're actually lusting after your boss, the dream is likely about office power dynamics. "There's a relationship dynamic in which you need to control more, and it's getting played out sexually. There's so rarely a real sexual component to this. If you feel yucky when you wake up, trust that. You don't want to have sex with this person, and there's some other dynamic," Richmond says.
So don't be embarrassed — office-related sex dreams are pretty common. 
Why would our mind waste our precious sleep by having sex with someone we don't even like? Well, let's think about actual "hate fucking." What comes to mind? You probably think of hot sex with someone you don't like or are mad at, and during sex, you get to expend that energy sexually. Richmond says that, like with our bosses, when we have sex dreams about someone we dislike, it's likely much more about power dynamics than actual sex. "Dreams can communicate a lot — it's just not always a direct connection," Richmond says.
Sex dreams about celebrities are widespread, according to experts. So what do they mean? Well, the answer here is pretty simple: They likely mean that we are attracted to that celebrity. "These can range from crushes to sexual prowess and agency and feeling like we can get someone who is out of reach. Those are really common, too, and they're usually an ego boost," Richmond says. So what should we do about them? Have fun with them; it's unlikely you'll ever bang this celebrity in real life (sorry). And no, having sex with a celeb in your dreams does not count as cheating.
Sex dreams that involve exes are one of the most complicated to wake up from. Unlike celebrity sex dreams, exes are people we usually have a very complex history with, and having them can result in complicated feelings. Ex-sex dreams don't directly translate to wanting to have sex with our former partner, but we usually dream about an ex with whom we have unresolved emotions. "There is some relational dynamic that needs to be worked out. What were you trying to communicate through sex? Do you want a new understanding? Did you want to take your power back? There's usually unfinished business, and it's not sexual," Richmond says.
Sex dreams run on the forbidden. Michael Friedman , a sleep specialist and otolaryngologist says this is why we are more likely to have sex dreams about exes, bosses, celebrities, and even platonic friends than the person we share a bed with. You may be attracted to this friend, or perhaps the sex dream is simply happening because this is someone you can't have sex with. Either way, don't worry about being a perv or about cheating if you're in a committed relationship. "It's very normal, and it's just human nature. It doesn't imply anything wrong or a conscious desire to be unfaithful; it's just part of being human," Friedman says. 
Other times, we have dreams that feel like a sexual version of being back at school, except instead of forgetting your homework, you are naked, and everyone is laughing at you. Richmond says examples include people waking up from a dream that they engaged in sexual activities that they may never have thought of doing in real life, such as a gang bang or bukkake.
While for some people, such sexual fantasies are totally normal (and others engage in them consensually), with this type of dream, the one doing the dreaming does not have any desire to engage in such scenarios. When they wake up, they are horrified . Our imaginations can think up a slew of scenarios, so if you have sex dreams that leave you feeling shameful or embarrassed, remind yourself that it was only a dream.
Richmond says her office is filled with clients who have sex dreams involving a gender they aren't normally attracted to. She says it's mostly straight women who have dreams about lesbian sex , even if they don't actually want to be with a woman in real life. Many people enjoy porn with genders they don't date, and it's OK to be turned on by sexual acts that don't match up exactly with your existing sex life. However, if you are unfulfilled, as Richmond suggests, assess what about the fantasy turns you on and then find ways to integrate it into your relationship.
Yes, some people have sex dreams about the person they are with, rather than a celebrity or the one who got away. However, Friedman says that as many sex dreams contain a forbidden aspect, dreams about your partner usually occur early in the relationship or in situations where you are separated. "They are definitely more common early in the relationship or when the relationship is not readily available than for couples who have been together for longer periods," Friedman says. So what should you do if you're experiencing sex dreams about your partner? Well, enjoy them, of course.
A public bathroom, your childhood home, a sex party : Sometimes, sex dreams take place in locations we don't usually go to get it on. As we've established, sex dreams thrive on the forbidden. "There's usually an element of freedom, of wanting, of longing for whatever the situation is," explains Richmond. Is there a kink you want to try but haven't yet explored, such as exhibitionism and having people watch, or getting it on somewhere you risk getting caught? Use these sexual fantasy dreams to gauge what you want and then apply them to your sex life in a manner that's comfortable for you. 
Sexual assault is not sex , and including PTSD dreams in this article is in no way meant to suggest such. However, one in every six women has been the survivor of a completed or attempted sexual assault, and LGBTQ+ people are nearly four times more likely to be victims of violent crime, including rape and sexual assault. So, because PTSD dreams stemming from a sexual assault are common , we asked the experts about them.
"PTSD is an entirely different animal altogether," says Breus. If you have a dream stemming from a sexual assault, perhaps "nightmare" is the better word. It's important to understand that you aren't alone. Richmond says she has clients who have PTSD dreams frequently right after the assault, and others still have them even if the assault occurred years ago. "It's the body processing something," says Richmond. "Typically, there is a little bit of difference in the dream, or the dream doesn't get far enough to its conclusion. It will be 'I was about to be raped by my perpetrator, and then I woke up,'" she says.
If you are experiencing PTSD dreams, you can call the RAINN hotline , and someone will talk to you or refer you to a therapist. You can also contact your insurance company to find an in-network therapist or do a quick Google search to see who is available in your area. "I remind them that at some point, they got away. They've changed, they're a survivor, and what happened to them is not their fault," says Richmond.
Let's talk about the most infamous sex dream: the wet dream, which begins in puberty. "Within sexual dreams are 'wet' dreams, also called nocturnal emissions," says Breus. "These dreams involve ejaculation during sleep, usually accompanied by a sexual dream." Within sexual dreams are 'wet' dreams, also called nocturnal emissions," he says. Wet dreams don't stop at puberty, and they don't just happen to people with penises. Those with vaginas may wake up in the middle of the night having an orgasm. Depending on where you are in your cycle, hormones may play a role, and Richmond says pregnancy can also induce them.
A dream in which your partner cheated is not a pleasant experience, no matter how many times you tell yourself it was just a dream. But is your subconscious trying to tell you something? Yes, but don't panic just yet. "It does not mean that your partner is cheating, but it does mean you should talk," Richmond says. "I want people to trust their gut, but sometimes we overthink it."
Cheating dreams can indicate that you're worried or not entirely comfortable, but that could mean several things that manifest as cheating while you sleep. Richmond suggests having an open and honest conversation with your partner in which you tell them about your dreams and that you know it may not be a literal translation but that you are feeling anxious. Let your partner know that you want to check in to see how they're doing and how you both feel about the relationship.
Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night to find your partner initiating sex, only not to remember doing so in the morning? Or have you been the sleep-sex initiator? Friedman says that these sex dreams mean someone is in R.E.M. sleep. "There are situations where people act out their dreams, which is not normal. People sleep-walk, sleep-talk, and do other sleep activities while they're sleeping. They are acting out a dream yet totally unaware of it. That is a R.E.M-state sleep disorder. All kinds of things can happen," he says.
Depending on your unique situation, you may assume your partner is awake and welcome the sex. However, if you're uninterested, the R.E.M. come-on may be upsetting and open complicated questions about consent between you and your partner. If you or someone you know is experiencing this, seek a sleep specialist. Remember, regardless of what is keeping you up at night, getting enough sleep is crucial to your health and well-being. 
If you're a survivor of sexual assault and looking for resources, you can call RAINN at (800) 656-HOPE (4673). You'll be connected with a trained staff member from a local sexual-assault service provider and given access to a wide range of free services . You're not alone.
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By Lindsay Geller Published: Jul 9, 2020
This content is imported from poll. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
Lindsay Geller is the Love & Life Editor at Women’s Health, specializing in entertainment news and culture coverage. With more than 6 years of professional writing and editing experience, she’s reported on everything from the latest dating trends to the impact of confirmation bias on mental health.
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It’s not always the obvious answer.
You know how Hollywood sex dreams always come with some kind of “duh!” epiphany for the characters having them? (Lookin’ at you, Kat from The Bold Type .) Hate to be a buzzkill, but those kind of lightbulb moments don’t just present themselves at the foot of your bed IRL.
You need to do a li’l work to get to the bottom of them, because every dream comes with a “personal, unconscious meaning” that reflects your specific experiences, says Rubin Naiman, PhD, a clinical assistant professor of medicine and dream specialist at the University of Arizona. A steamy dream with a past flame, for example, could mean a different thing to you than to your friend—it all depends on the associations you have with that lost love or that particular period in your life. Was he the one that got away? Or was it more of a byeeeee, see ya never situation?
It’s a lot to consider before your morning coffee, but there’s a method to understanding the madness. “To interpret your dreams, you need to think through what all the main elements—people, places, things—might symbolize for you,” says Deirdre Barrett, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology at Harvard University and author of The Committee of Sleep . Her go-to technique: Pretend you’re talking to someone from another planet (yes, really), and describe everything that happened—who, what, where, how—as if they don’t know anything. In your description, “you’ll often find language that’s kind of metaphorical,” says Barrett. Were you in tumultuous waters? A dark room? A position of power? A sex dream isn’t always about sex, FYI. Consider this your guide to decoding *those* kinds of dreams.
“Dreaming is healing,” Naiman says. “It’s kind of a digestive process”—taking difficult experiences, like a breakup, and spelling them out to provide understanding. Maybe everything was going great in the dream until he said something condescending. Hmm…didn’t he do that a lot when you were dating? Oh yeah, next . Consider this dream a way to get closure.
Don’t send an “I miss you” text. Sure, your subconscious might be nudging you to get back together…or this could be yet another form of closure. Depending on your experiences with the ex in question, the dream could also be about qualities you’d like to see more (or less) of in yourself; our significant others have a way of highlighting certain aspects of our own personalities. Did your college ex make you feel spontaneous and fun, and now you’re a more cautious ~adult~ with real responsibilities? This might be a push to find that part of you—not him—again.
You haven't seen the dude in decades...what gives?! Much like how your college ex might remind you of a more fun time in your life, a young crush might make you think of a simple, more innocent period. Remember: Dreams are more often about you, then the other person.
It’s possible you picked up on some vibes without realizing it, Barrett says. "It might be the first time the impulse has consciously registered with you,” says Barrett.
You love your best bud, natch, but you never thought about making love until…well, you did. Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean you wanna add some bennies to your friendship during waking hours. “If you know you want to keep things purely platonic, then it’s back to question time: What is this friend like, and how do they differ from acquaintances? What do you like most about this particular pal?
Listing their characteristics might help you unlock a desire to emulate their habits, Barrett says. And how was the sex? Did it feel intimate and comforting? You could be craving that same kind of closeness and itching for someone you can be vulnerable—emotionally naked, if you will—in front of.
The power dynamics differ when you’re having dream sex with your cubicle mate vs. the head honcho, but hey, you don’t need to worry about HR either way (phew!). While you could be harboring a secret attraction to the person you spend countless hours collaborating with, it’s just as likely you admire their work ethic, ideas, or problem solving, says Barrett.
You could be drawn to their power and want to bring more confidence into your professional life, says Naiman. A sign to take that management course you’ve been eyeing?
Let yourself off the hook: Dream cheating isn't the same as regular cheating. (Phew.) But it could mean you feel guilty about something. “In my research and experience helping my clients understand their cheating dreams, I have found the main reason you cheat in your dreams is because—deep down—you have guilt or concern about something you’re doing that is taking away from the time you should be putting into the relationship,” Lauri Loewenberg , certified dream analyst, told WH in Your Dreams About Cheating Could Mean A Few Different Things . Are you holding back from your partner in some other way?
New places could have many meanings, so it's important to think about your associations with the place. Is it where you had your honeymoon? A place you've always wanted to go? If you’re in Paris, the capital of romance, it’s possible you’re craving something special from your partner.
Again, the same city could mean different things depending on the dream. Were you wandering around Paris lost and unable to speak the language. Hmmm, is there something you can’t talk to your love about?
Your dream features the usual suspects (your S.O., your crush), but somewhere that would be totally normal in any other situation except sex (a stairwell, a mattress store, a public park). Could this be a sign you need to shake things up a little? Sure could.
If a public place means you need to shake things up a little , a weird spot—see: the moon—might signal that it's time to shake things up a lot . Try one of these super hot sex positions !
So, the hottie in your dream wasn’t the male trainer you follow on Insta but the female one (or vice versa). Is this a sign you’ve been playing for the wrong side all along? Probs not. “Dreams don’t smack you over the head like that,” says Naiman. You might just want to try something new, says Barrett.
To dig deeper, you need to determine the thoughts you have around same-sex ’ships. Do you come from a family that isn’t accepting? Do
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