Love And Submission Day 1
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Love And Submission Day 1
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by Sonja DeWitt | 30 September 2020 |
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church.” Ephesians 5:25-29
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” 1 Peter 3:7
When I was growing up in the church, it was fashionable to remind women that they were required to submit to their husbands as to Christ. But for some strange reason, the corresponding verses about men loving their wives as Christ loved the church were quietly passed over. I never heard back then a sermon exegeting these passages in any depth, and I still haven’t.
I always found this amusing in a grim sort of way, because it seemed to reflect the overbearing, dominating manner in which some men I knew felt justified in treating their wives. But how could men who taught a literal obedience to the Bible justify their refusal to live and to teach this profound and clearly delineated concept?
I believe it was and is a grave mistake for the church to ignore this exploration of the “great mystery” of marriage, and its profound psychological and spiritual resonance.
Marriage is a big deal to God—something our church seems to have lost sight of. It is used in numerous passages throughout both Testaments to illustrate God’s relationship with his people. There’s not much doubt that God cares how he is represented through the marriages of the people who claim his name and are his face to the world.
When a Christian husband has a repeated pattern of unloving, dictatorial, self-centered or even abusive behavior toward his wife, God’s reputation is defamed. The reality is that observers, both Christian and not, see a husband’s treatment of his wife as a representation of the God he serves. Who wants to have a closer relationship to a God like that?
On the other hand, when a Christian husband is respectful, honoring, and self-sacrificing in his relationship with his wife, and the two have a passionate partnership exuding joy and mutual love, the energy they create is magnetic to everyone around them. And everyone, Christian or not, wants to figure out how to have what they have.
It is apparent from the plain text that the apostles intended their instruction to resonate on two separate levels—the earthly and the spiritual— both Christ and the church and a human couple in a real flesh and blood marriage. And I think part of the point of these passages, and all the others that reference marriage as a symbol of God and his people, is that a Christian marriage—lived according to the principles of self-sacrificing love—is the closest thing on this earth to a merging of the earthly and the spiritual.
When this teaching is taken seriously, a Christian marriage can be a spectacle of dazzling beauty and deep joy for both husband and wife. The Song of Solomon describes, with the most vivid and poetic imagery, the ecstatic intimacy—spiritual, emotional and physical—which can grow between a couple when the husband commits himself to these eternal principles.
There has been much written on the spiritual meaning of these passages—the relationship between Christ and the church. But what it means for earthly, human marriages has been largely ignored, except to reiterate the tired and misapplied, “Wives, submit yourselves!”
I believe the church’s blatant disregard and misapplication of this plain, though admittedly difficult, Bible teaching is responsible for the tragic failure of Christians to show the unbelieving world the compelling beauty of marriage as God designed and intended it to be—and, by extension, to model the tender, self-sacrificing love of God for his church
Much ink has been spilled speculating on what Peter meant by calling women the “weaker (or more delicate) vessel.” The consensus seems to be that he was referring to physical weakness. But in a modern context, at least, that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. While there may be a difference in strength, it’s hard to argue that women are inferior in toughness or endurance. And throughout history women have demonstrated their ability to compensate for a deficit in physical strength by utilizing their other gifts—quick wits, intelligence, charm, a superior understanding of human psychology. So that explanation doesn’t resonate for modern women.
What I see as women’s greatest “weakness”—one that has caused women immense pain and suffering—dates from Eden: woman’s irrepressible core need for a passionate and intimate connection with a man, which was implanted by God at creation to mirror his desire for intimacy with his creation. God entrusted to women the most fundamental secrets of his kingdom: the skills needed to develop and nurture loving relationships.
Shakespeare’s Juliet describes this feminine gift with a poet’s inimitable power:
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep.
The more I give to thee,
The more I have,
for both are infinite.
This drive for intimacy was an endless source of joy and delight for both the man and the woman in Eden. Adam exclaimed ecstatically, “This is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.” And Genesis says they were “naked and not ashamed,” the most elemental and compelling description of perfect oneness. For the first couple in Eden, complete oneness with God and with each other was their natural state.
But when the couple sinned, woman’s greatest strength became her greatest weakness. Satan has a particular hatred of the power of women, because without their innate relationship skills, he can so much more easily win his battle by corrupting the truth about God. I think, “the Dragon was angry with the woman” can accurately be taken as a literal, as well as a figurative, concept.
As Screwtape the Demon writes in Lewis’ Screwtape Letters , [A] woman who is quite far gone in the Enemy’s (God’s) service will make a nuisance of herself on a larger scale than any man…, and, conversely, a man will live long in the Enemy’s camp before he undertakes as much spontaneous work to please others as a quite ordinary woman may do every day” (pp. 128-129).
It is no coincidence that the majority of members of most churches are women. As a result, one of Satan’s primary objectives throughout human history has been to neutralize, destroy or corrupt the power of women.
Sonja DeWitt is a civil rights attorney with over 20 years of experience handling Equal Employment Opportunity cases. She has a strong interest in religious liberty and has worked with the North American Religious Liberty Association, work for which she received an award. She blogs about religion, politics and government, and social justice at www.voicesfromthewilderness.net .
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Fifty Shades of Grey is fiction, but the kinky sex in its pages is very real.
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When I first met Doug on Match.com (opens in new tab) in 2005, we were 26 and living in Washington, D.C., both recently out of serious relationships, both working long hours at jobs we loved. He had a big position with a top financial firm; I headed up public relations for a health-care nonprofit. On our first date, although we only kissed, he told me I wouldn't be the same when he was done with me. I knew he was right—I just didn't know what it meant. Neither of us did.
Doug was tall with dark hair and eyes, but it wasn't his looks that unglued me. A recent business school graduate, he was smart, confident, and witty. We'd talk for hours about politics and sports, and though he commented on how amazing our chemistry was, how amazing I was, he held back emotionally. Control. He had it, always.
We dated for a few months and had intense—if, in retrospect, vanilla—sex. There was a magnetic pull between us, only the attraction swallowed me. I became uncharacteristically needy, and it pushed him away.
Months went by after we'd broken up, but I couldn't get Doug out of my head. I began having fantasies about him like I'd never had about anyone. I wanted him to overpower me. I'd heard about BDSM—bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism—but didn't know much about it.
Curious about my new feelings, I did some research online. One site showed women being bound and whipped. Another showed a girl on the floor with a man standing over her asking who she belonged to. The answer: Him, of course. It all turned me on, but I felt confused. Wasn't it weird that I, a proud feminist, could enjoy something so degrading? I would never stay with a man who hurt me. So how could I enjoy this? Still, I kept exploring.
In a few clicks on another popular site, I found Doug's profile. I was initially shocked, and yet it made perfect sense. That was our connection. I messaged him: "I didn't know you had this side of you. Wink, wink."
At first, we casually texted, catching up on each other's lives. He'd finished an Ironman triathlon, and I'd started working on a business plan to venture out on my own. Our shared interest in BDSM came up slowly, in e-mails and on the phone. He'd joke about making me scream, and I'd say, confidently, "Bring it." Or he'd forward articles or videos of BDSM research he'd done.
I learned that BDSM is about more than rough sex. In a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship, you have to trust each other—emotionally, mentally, spiritually. While a Dominant, or "Dom," may have the "power," he can only go as far as his submissive, or "sub," will let him. It's not abuse; it's consensual. Doug would text, "How do you feel about a belt? Could you trust me to do anything to you?" Almost a year after our first date, Doug came to my house to try BDSM.
We settled on opposite sofas, and I was a fidgety, nervous mess. What if I didn't like the pain as much as the idea of it? Then Doug stood up, towering over me, and grabbed a fistful of my hair. He ordered me to perform oral sex, but that first time wasn't really about sex, it was about seeing if I'd be obedient. He used a belt, leaving welts on my back, thighs, and bottom. I could hear him pacing behind me, but I never knew when the lick of leather was coming. It hurt like hell, but I was utterly turned on. I had no control. And I loved it.
Afterward, I cried, overwhelmed by how raw it all was. We met up a couple more times for similar sessions, but then I pulled away. I was freaked out. Not by the pain, but by how intense my feelings were for him.
Nearly two years passed before I saw him again. We had both gotten married, gotten on with our lives. My husband and I renovated our house. I traveled to India and Australia with friends. And my business boomed. Meanwhile, I tried to suppress this thing between Doug and me. When Doug texted that he was moving to Boston for a big promotion, I agreed to meet him for a drink.
I told my husband, with whom I share a very honest relationship, that I was going to see an ex for closure. But as soon as Doug and I laid eyes on each other, that dark connection was still there. He walked me to my car, and we kissed. Then he told me to take off my pants. I obeyed. We were right back in it. He left for Boston with his wife the next morning. And just like that, our long-distance, extramarital D/s relationship began.
"A sub is intoxicated by the surrender—and not because he or she is weak. A sub is willing to go to a place many people do not, or cannot, go."
With 500 miles between us, we're in contact over e-mail, text, and Skype. Because BDSM is about so much more than just sex, Doug can still be my Dom from afar, focusing more on psychological control. I'll text that I'm going for a run, and he'll tell me I can't. Over Skype, he'll watch me get close to orgasm and make me stop. Or he won't speak to me because, with the distance, it's one of the only ways I can feel the sting of his decision.
We know what we're doing isn't fair to our spouses, but fortunately for me, I'm able to be honest with my husband about Doug. We went through counseling a few years ago and agreed to have an open marriage. I love my husband—and I love having sex with him, but in an entirely different way. Doug is my dark and my husband is my light. For Doug, it's not that easy. His wife has no idea about this side of him.
Recently, I flew to Boston for a long weekend when Doug's wife was out of town. He arrived at my hotel and made me sit on my knees while he spanked me with his belt. Even though we have a safe word, I've never used it. In a D/s relationship, you need to trust another human being in ways that are rarely explored. A Dom is intoxicated by someone who is willing to trust him or her that much. A sub is intoxicated by the surrender—and not because he or she is weak. A sub is willing to go to a place many people do not, or cannot, go. The physical pain is just a small part of it. And surviving it, enduring it, is a feat. I know it's weird, but I feel like if I can do that, I can do anything.
I didn't tell any of my friends about Doug for nearly four years. I just didn't want to be judged. Eventually, I started revealing details when we'd talk about our sex lives. They couldn't believe that I liked being bossed around, that I allowed a man to hit me. I explained that in his normal life, Doug would never hurt a woman. He even donates to a battered-women's shelter! One day at lunch I showed my best friend some texts from Doug. She got really upset by the controlling things he wrote, like telling me what to wear to work. And when I revealed that he had a wife, she was totally disgusted. We'd been friends for 18 years and she had been my maid of honor, but we haven't talked in nearly a year.
Sometimes I feel like I'm someone's dirty little secret. Doug is now a full-on conservative businessman. He lives in a huge house in a fancy Boston suburb; he plays golf, flies planes, runs marathons. (As embarrassing as it is to admit, he's a lot like Christian Grey.) And he has the perfect Stepford-looking wife. But the truth is, I feel bad for him. I couldn't imagine leading a double life like he does. And I do feel guilty about his wife. Yet selfishly, my main concern is protecting him and our relationship.
I love that Fifty Shades of Grey has gotten women talking more honestly about their fantasies,
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