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Maybe they’re not into you. Or maybe they’re not into any partner, really.
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One of life's great mysteries, challenges, and joys is discovering how we experience close relationships both together and separately.
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We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Sexual connection is a vital aspect of most romantic relationships, but it’s not always as central as people may think. Partners have sex for self-interested reasons—it feels good and can boost self-esteem; and for relationship-focused reasons—it enhances closeness and pleases someone they love. Over the long term, most couples will face sexual challenges, as bodies change with age and individuals’ desire for sex waxes and wanes (and generally declines). Research consistently shows that most couples struggle to talk about sex honestly, but that when they do, it brings them closer together.
Love also brings people together, but it takes more than love to stay together. Many of us know couples that broke up despite believing that they were in love with each other, because of one partner’s infidelity or because of distance or circumstance. But even in long-term stable relationships, partners who feel that they are in love may grow apart, if one believes that they are not emotionally safe in the relationship, or that it lacks passion or intimacy.
Sex is an important aspect of many relationships and while research finds that while regular sex does help to cement a couple's emotional bond, that boost doesn't derive from the physical act as much as from what it expresses—openness, transparency, positive communication, and a commitment to foster and maintain erotic energy. What happens after sex is also vital: Research on sexual "afterglow," including cuddling and pillow talk, finds that the feeling of enhanced sexual satisfaction following a sexual encounter can leave partners feeling better about each other for weeks or even months. While many partners worry about why they may not have sex as often as they once did, or whether they need to learn new techniques, a decline in a couple's sex life is more commonly a reflection of other problems in the relationship, rather than the cause.
Experts who research sex in relationships report that those partners who find their sex lives most fulfilling say that the keys to a great sex life are being able to stay in the moment, communicate with each other honestly about their sexual wants—and have empathy for their partner’s, be vulnerable, and remain open to trying new things together.
Married couples report having sex an average of 58 times per year, although couples in their 20s report much more frequent encounters—about 111 per year, with that number dropping about 20 percent per decade as couples age. (Researchers tend to be suspicious of such results, since they are based on self-reports.) Many experts suggest that neither very frequent nor very rare sex is necessarily a problem for couples as long as they find their relationships satisfying and believe they are having enough sex .
Would more sex make you happier ? Probably not. In experiments, when couples were asked to double their normal frequency of sex, most did not follow through, and those who were able to did not report greater sexual satisfaction. In other words, for most couples, when it comes to sex, quality is more important that quantity.
The warm, fuzzy feeling many couples experience after sex is known as “ sexual afterglow ,” and research suggests that it may be vital to a relationship: Partners who experienced a feeling of sexual satisfaction longer—as long as 48 hours after sex—reported greater relationship satisfaction overall. (Research also finds it to be a myth that men tend to fall asleep quickly after sex.)
A range of research on sexual satisfaction in heterosexual relationships finds that, at every stage—desire, kissing, and orgasm— the woman’s satisfaction is more predictive of overall relationship satisfaction for both partners than the man’s—and a decline in a woman's sexual desire is more predictive of relationship troubles than a decline in a man's.
It can, but couples should understand the role sex plays in a relationship: Research suggests that a high-quality sexual connection, especially early in a relationship, lays a foundation for long-term sustainability. Studies find, in fact, that even as sexual satisfaction begins to decline in many relationships, overall satisfaction remains high. But when partners’ levels of desire start to diverge widely, it’s crucial that the concern be addressed.
For many, if not most, people, primal, passionate sex is an essential element of a healthy sex life. But many partners in long-term relationships find themselves moving away from passionate sex, either because they don’t want to put in the effort or because they talk themselves out of it. Some experts suggest that, to restore their passion, people talk about it openly, allow themselves to express their primal selves, and learn to tolerate sexual intensity.
Loving relationships can literally be a matter of life and death: Having a supportive relationship is more predictive of warding off mortality than quitting smoking or exercising, while a toxic relationship is more damaging than no relationship at all. But love is always reciprocal, and can only survive if both partners are willing to be open and honest with each other, express gratitude, share their thoughts and feelings, and ask for support rather than trying to go it alone. Individuals often believe they are sparing their partner by keeping their troubles from them, but people can be deeply hurt when they discover that the person they love most has not confided in them or sought out their support.
Romantic love could be seen as an evolutionary adaptation—a force that increases the chance of passing one’s genes on to future generations. It has also been described as a force that enables partners to stay together over the long term. Some identify it as a blind force that brings people together, even without strong romantic feelings, through what’s known as the “mere repeated exposure” affect. And others, citing different definitions and approaches to love at different times and in different cultures, describe it as merely a sociocultural construct.
Love has been defined by some as having three elements—intimacy, commitment, and passion. But many couples worry that their passion is declining over the years, making their connection less secure. Research, however, finds that a decrease in passion is less of a problem than a couple’s belief that once it decreases it can’t be restored; partners who understand that it waxes and wanes are more likely to rekindle it, and stay together.
Saying “I love you” for the first time is seen by many as a more significant step in a relationshi
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