Long Ruined Orgasm

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Erotic sexual denial is the practice of refraining from sexual experiences in order to increase erotic arousal and/or tension.[1] The prohibited experience can be narrowly or broadly defined and banned for a specific or indeterminate length of time depending on the practitioner. The experience withheld can be any favored or desired sexual activities, such as specific acts or positions, provided it is something the practitioner wants. Erotic sexual denial is commonly used as sex play between intimate partners, but it can also be indulged in as an individual practice.
Orgasm control practices like edging are well-known varieties of erotic sexual denial in which a person is kept in a heightened state of sexual arousal for an extended length of time without orgasm.[2] Another form of erotic sexual denial is the reduction or deprivation of all genital stimulation, often ensured by use a chastity device or other physical barrier to genital touch or full erection. Another frequently mentioned variety is the use of dice or other games of chance by couples to determine how long a person to be withheld oral and/or penetrative sex, etc. from their partner. Erotic sexual denial is commonly, but not exclusively, practiced in association with BDSM and sexual bondage.
To be able to control an orgasm of a partner in such sex games, physical restraints are commonly used. Situations involving bondage are typically called "tie and tease" and can be thought of as extended tease and denial games. This practice is often an integral part of erotic denial. It is notable that in discussions between BDSM partners, negotiation usually focuses on the activities which may or may not be agreed to. Tie and tease activities are physically as well as psychologically intense, because the strong feelings of sexual frustration are escalated by the sensation of helplessness induced by bondage.
Tease and denial is a situation where a person is stimulated until they are close to orgasm, then stimulation is stopped, keeping the person on the brink of orgasm. It is sometimes referred to as "edging".[3] This is similar to orgasm control, but without the promise of orgasm at the end.
If orgasm still occurs after removal of stimulation, it typically brings less pleasure than usual, and is considered a "ruined orgasm",[4] as opposed to being a "denied orgasm" (which can sometimes lead to "blue balls" for both men and women). Alternatively (for men), the release of semen during the emission phase of ejaculation might be prevented by some sort of constriction ("blocked orgasm"). Depending on the relationship, subjects might be repeatedly teased to the point of orgasm several times, but without actual orgasm, causing feelings of intense arousal and psychological need.
The practice of total sexual denial usually includes total avoidance of genital stimulation to the penis or vulva. This often involves the use of a physical barrier or device such as a chastity belt. Chastity belts or similar locking devices are available for both men and women. Depending on the situation, sexual arousal may still be possible regardless of physical barriers to genital stimulation. This, however, depends on the belt used.
A strap-on dildo may be worn by a male to still allow penetrative vaginal sex to the female while denying the male partner the ability to orgasm, and the male then may also wear a chastity device.[5] This is distinct from pegging, as the strap-on in this case replaces the penis of the male. This can be seen as a form of total denial if the strap-on replaces the penis throughout the whole duration of the play, or as a form of teasing if the strap-on is only used during foreplay. In the last case, the strap-on can be used to prolong penetrative sex and thus sexually satisfy the female partner in case the male suffers from premature ejaculation.[6][7][8]
Erotic sexual denial is sometimes used by a dominant to increase their control over a submissive. Because the submissive is kept in a state of sexual need and vulnerability, they are more likely to take a compliant stance with the dominant; failure to comply can result in additional teasing or an extended period of denial, among other punishments.
Orgasm denial practices can allow the dominant to exercise control over many aspects of the submissive's life. As such, they are often (though not always) practiced as an extension or enhancement of a broader BDSM relationship, or as a means of establishing one. They can allow the dominant to experience enjoyable and sometimes intensely craved feelings of sexual control and erotic power, and the submissive can enjoy intense feelings of sexual objectification and submission to the dominant.
Orgasm denial can also be used to increase a submissive's tolerance for physical stimulation, as training in holding back an orgasm, or to allow the submissive to orgasm on command; as a way to maintain a heightened state of sexual arousal in the submissive, or as a means of erotic humiliation desired by either the submissive or the dominant.
Erotic humiliation can also help enforce the dominant's position in the relationship. Orgasm denial is often accompanied by other forms of erotic humiliation such as forcing the submissive to do chores, crossdress, or consume bodily fluids. These can be used as punishments, as conditions for release, or simply at the discretion of the dominant.
^ Reagene, Dominic Paul (2014). BDSM & Fetish Dictionary of Kink, 2nd Edition. New York: Muze Management Publishing. p. 46. ISBN 9781507033999.
^ Reagene, Dominic Paul (2014). BDSM & Fetish Dictionary of Kink, 2nd Edition. New York: Muze Management Publishing. p. 82. ISBN 9781507033999.
^ Jewell, Tim. "A Guide to Mastering Orgasm Control for More Satisfying Sex". healthline.com. Archived from the original on 27 August 2019. Retrieved 17 September 2019.
^ Hsieh, Carina (31 July 2019). "Everything You Need to Know About Ruined Orgasms". Cosmopolitan. Archived from the original on 10 October 2019. Retrieved 17 September 2019.
^ "Male Dildo Harness - A guide for Men how to wear a strap-on". Archived from the original on 31 August 2018. Retrieved 31 August 2018.
^ "Beginners Guide: Purchasing Your First Strap-On Harness | Gritty Woman". Archived from the original on 9 August 2018. Retrieved 31 August 2018.
^ "Savage Love Letter of the Day: He's Perfect, But a Premie - Slog - The Stranger". Archived from the original on 30 August 2018. Retrieved 31 August 2018.
^ "Rose Answers: Premature Ejaculation 101 – Pure Pleasure Shop". Archived from the original on 30 August 2018. Retrieved 31 August 2018.
Content is available under CC BY-SA 3.0 unless otherwise noted.

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Once upon a time, the topic of orgasm was fairly run-of-the-mill. Basically, you do the sex, and you climax (fingers crossed!). But these days, orgasms are anything but ordinary and basic, with options ranging from forced to clitoral to skin orgasms. Also on the list? A ruined orgasm. You might be like, huh? Bummer. And you wouldn't be wrong. But sex experts say it's the *lack* of orgasm that is exactly the goal.
"A ruined orgasm generally refers to an orgasm that is not particularly pleasurable," notes Jess O’Reilly, PhD, sexologist and ambassador for sexual wellness and sex toy brands We-Vibe, Womanizer, and Arcwave. But, she says, that doesn't mean a ruined orgasm can't be eroticized. For example, a ruined orgasm might allow participants to play with power dynamics and (loss of) control. This ties into the eroticization of emotions like humiliation, which can be an element of BDSM and other sexual roleplay, O'Reilly says.

Or, even if you're not into BDSM, this might be of interest to anyone who likes to engage in role-playing or themes including submission and domination, says Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and sexologist in Honolulu.
Another potentially appealing aspect of the ruined orgasm? It does away with the socially dominant norm or expectation that you’re supposed to orgasm in one particular way, O'Reilly points out.
Ready to learn more and maybe even try it? Here are all the deets on a ruined orgasm, including why it's different than edging and how to achieve one yourself.

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A ruined orgasm is one that leans on stop-and-start stimulation and teasing, and, in the case of BDSM practice, may involve a sexual act where the dominant partner provides enough stimulation to get the submissive partner to orgasm, but then stops, Brito says. A ruined orgasm may also include an interrupted orgasm.
O'Reilly agrees, offering the following scenario: "For example, if you usually stroke yourself right before or during orgasm to intensify pleasure, you may stop (or be told to stop) a few seconds early, so that you experience the muscular contractions (and perhaps ejaculation) that tend to accompany orgasm, but not the climactic pleasure."

Brito emphasizes that a ruined orgasm, or any power sex play, requires consent and for both partners to create guidelines, establish boundaries, and negotiate specifics before they begin to experiment.
Kind of, but it isn't. Edging involves being this close to getting the thing you want (in this case, orgasm) and having it repeatedly taken away juuuust as you are about to climax until, eventually, you do orgasm. The reason for it, experts say, is the resulting orgasm packs much more ka-pow as a result of the back-and-forth teasing. But that's not a ruined orgasm, O'Reilly says.
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"Edging generally refers to building to pleasure via pleasure peaks and valleys," she notes. "It’s often part of building an undulating crescendo to a more powerfully pleasurable orgasm, so it’s quite different from detracting from the pleasure of orgasm as you might with a ruined orgasm."
Brito agrees, breaking it down into a simple comparison: Both ruined orgasms and edging involve the use of the start-stop method, but in the case of a ruined orgasm, the technique is meant to slow down orgasm and reduce build-up, whereas edging is all about elevating pleasure by prolonging it.
Like edging, a forced orgasm—when a person does not want to orgasm, but their partner stimulates them enough to orgasm—does not involve a pleasure limit, as in the case of a ruined orgasm. With forced orgasms, you still lack control (as in your partner might tie you up and stimulate you when you say you don't want it—after you've consented to this type of sex, of course), but forced orgasms actually end in orgasm whereas ruined ones typically don't.
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A forced orgasm may involve a dominant and submissive relationship, Brito says, where a submissive does not "want" to orgasm, but the dominant partner continues to provide stimulation so they do. "It's a role play involving power dynamics," she notes.
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Well, that depends on how you define orgasm, which, as O'Reilly pointed out earlier, has been stereotyped as that one big "O" that makes your toes curl. But there is no universal terminology for what a ruined orgasm entails, she says.
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"I have heard people talk about ruined orgasms as orgasms that don’t happen, but even the experience of orgasm is subjective," O'Reilly notes. "If we define orgasm by a pleasurable release of tension that is often accompanied by muscular contractions, you might say that a ruined orgasm is not an orgasm, as you’re not experiencing a pleasurable release." But on the flip side, you might have muscular contractions (or ejaculation if you have a penis) and not experience pleasure, she says, countering, "So, does it count? Perhaps not!"

Some of the basics have already been covered, but if you're on board to try out a ruined orgasm, let's review. This type of orgasm typically involves the stop-start technique, whether it's in the hands of a partner or your own. That means initiating stimulation and then stopping stimulation. "Do not continue to provide stimulation, which will result in no orgasm," Brito says. "[You can also] provide interrupted stimulation, which could result in a 'meh' orgasm. If you're going for the ruined orgasm with a partner, make sure it is consensual, discuss your terms ahead of time, and consider sexual aids, like vibrators."
Beyond the start-stop method, O'Reilly says you can also tie in the physical and emotional components of BDSM (e.g. you might experience or play with feelings of humiliation, frustration, loss of control, anger, or embarrassment) to "ruin" the orgasm. "For example, your partner might continue with the physical stimulation that brings you to orgasm, but then say something that makes you feel humiliated or embarrassed to create a dissonance that ruins the orgasm," she says.
"You might also have a ruined orgasm inadvertently due to distraction or intrusive thoughts," O'Reilly continues. "Perhaps someone walks in on you just as you’re about to orgasm and your body continues to respond, but you no longer experience the sensations or response as pleasurable."
Bottom line, according to O'Reilly? "There are many reasons why a ruined orgasm can be eroticized."
Caroline Shannon-Karasik Caroline Shannon-Karasik is a writer and mental health advocate based in Pittsburgh, PA.
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Long Ruined Orgasm