Long Ruined Orgasm

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What's a Ruined Orgasm?
Learn the difference between an intentional vs. unintentional ruined orgasm and what it all means.
Though a ruined orgasm might sound like it has a simple definition — an orgasm that is ruined or halts before full climax – it can have multiple meanings. Some ruined orgasms are intentional, while others are not and can leave one feeling sexually frustrated. Those that are unintentional can also have multiple causes, both physical and emotional, which vary from person to person.
To get to the bottom of what can cause a ruined orgasm, the difference between an intentional and unintentional ruined orgasm, and how to stop having unintentional ruined orgasms, we reached out to healthcare providers and experts to get professional advice on everything to do with ruined orgasms. ‍
“A ruined orgasm happens when a partner's genitals are stimulated to the brink of orgasm and then the stimulation is suddenly stopped,” relationship and sex expert Pamela Madsen tells O.school. “At this point, two things can happen — either no orgasm occurs, or if it does, it will be much less satisfying than what it would have been [if stimulation continued throughout the orgasm].” ‍
Dr. Michael Ingber, a urologist with a sub specialty in sexual health, explains what happens during the sexual response cycle of a ruined orgasm: ‍
1. During the arousal phase, blood flow is increased to the genitals. This is usually when an erection or clitoral engorgement begins.
2. With repetitive stimulation of the penis or clitoris, there is typically a sympathetic nervous system discharge, causing a climax or ejaculation. 
3. When a ruined orgasm occurs, the partner is brought just before this climax phase and then stimulation is stopped. 
4. Oftentimes, this results in ejaculation without actual orgasm, or a much less intense orgasm.
A ruined orgasm can be caused by physical conditions, or it can be brought on by thoughts and emotions. ‍
According to Dr. Jess O’Reilly, resident sexologist at Astroglide, a ruined orgasm can occur when “your partner says or does something that turns you off,” causing you to not orgasm or for your orgasm to be less intense than it would have been.
Clinical psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones adds that a ruined orgasm can be related to stress, anxiety, preoccupied thoughts, and/or guilt. ‍
There are a few physical factors that may cause a ruined orgasm. For example, you could lose your orgasm if your partner stops stimulation right before climax. Dr. O’Reilly also states that a ruined orgasm can be related to something as simple as your Wi-Fi going out while watching porn.  
Dr. Jeffcoat tells O.school that those who experience pain during sex often deal with ruined orgasms. They may often be dismissed by medical providers with statements such as “It’s all in your head,” or “It’s a normal part of aging.” However, Dr. Jeffcoat states that a ruined orgasm can be caused by the following physical conditions: ‍
1. Vaginismus (involves muscle spasms in the pelvic floor muscles)
2. Vulvodynia (chronic, unidentified vulvar pain)
3. Vestibulodynia (chronic, unidentified pain in the vestibule area of the vulva
4. Endometriosis (a painful disorder caused by tissue that lines the uterus growing outside of the uterus) 
5. Interstitial cystitis (a chronic, painful bladder condition, now called painful bladder syndrome.
7. Dyspareunia (painful intercourse)
9. Nerve entrapment (in more severe cases) 
Depending on the cause behind the ruined orgasm, there are mental, emotional, and physical steps one can take to prevent unintentional orgasms from happening in the future. ‍
“Typically, I would tell a client who has trouble achieving orgasm or trouble having a satisfying orgasm, to stop trying!” Dr. Jones tells O.school. “I would recommend sensate exercises [intimate touch exercises that teach one to be fully in their body during sex] for a period of time. The amount of time is determined on the exact problem and the severity of it.”
For sensate exercises specifically, Dr. Jones recommends that partners set aside time for kissing and touching — and kissing and touching only. “They could allow their fingers and kisses to roam around their partner’s body slowly and playfully. The purpose is two-fold, to turn your partner on and to collectively discover new areas of pleasure.” The goal of this exercise is to focus on the pleasures and sensations leading up to orgasm. If fact, Dr. Jones adds that orgasming is discouraged. 
“Depending on the situation, I may suggest they stick with touching and kissing for a week, then maybe touching and kissing and light oral play, and then gradually progressing,” states Dr. Jones. “But it is important to emphasize that in each of these sessions, they do not reach orgasm. That would be counterintuitive … See, often people are so focused on the orgasm that they totally ignore and miss all of the pleasure and sensations leading up to orgasm, and then they are only let down.” 
If one’s own thoughts — “you get nervous that an orgasm isn’t going to happen or you feel shame for having an orgasm” — are the cause of a ruined orgasm, Dr. O’Reilly advises asking oneself the following questions: ‍
2. What shame can you release from your sexual scripts? 
3. Where did you learn these messages of shame and are those sources trustworthy? 
4. What positive affirmations can you use to replace negative sexual scripts (e.g. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of pleasure. Sex is healthy.)? 
5. What are the real benefits (and potential risks) of sex? 
Dr. O’Reilly states that practicing mindfulness during sex can also help — especially if intrusive thoughts are causing ruined orgasms. According to Dr. O’Reilly, one can perform the following steps to assist with this: ‍
1. Visualize your problem or stressful thought and visualize placing it in a box. 
2. Continue to visualize yourself carrying the box out of the room and storing it somewhere safe so you can get back to it at a later time. 
3. When the thought creeps back in again during sex, accept it without judgment and remind yourself that you don’t need to think about it right now because it’s shelved in another room waiting for you. 
4. Bring your focus back to one sense. For example, focus on the sense of touch. What do you feel in terms of temperature, movement, textures, rhythm, etc.? If your partner is touching you, tune into the feeling of their skin against yours to bring yourself back into the present moment. ‍
No matter what the scenario, make sure to communicate with your partner what’s going on. Talk it out and discuss how both of you can work together to solve the problem. If the situation doesn’t improve, you can seek help from a sex therapist. ‍
If you are coping with any of the physical conditions listed above, Dr. Jeffcoat recommends reaching out to a pelvic floor physical therapist for help. Such a therapist can create a specific treatment plan to help patients meet their goals, and can even provide a home program. If you’re not sure what your pain is related to, consult your doctor as soon as possible. 
If your partner is the one who is causing the ruined orgasm, Dr. O’Reilly emphasizes the importance of communication: “If they stop as soon as you start breathing heavily or loudly, they may think that your orgasm is complete; explain to them what your orgasm tends to look and sound like. Does it last a few seconds or do you tend to have contractions and an overwhelming sense of pleasure for a full minute?” 
Since everyone has different desires, it’s important you show your partner exactly how you, personally, like to be touched before and during your orgasm. You should also give them a verbal cue to “keep going” when what they’re doing is bringing you pleasure. “You’ll likely find that your orgasms are less likely to be ruined once you start communicating more clearly and specifically,” states Dr. O’Reilly. 
Madsen also emphasizes, “It's important to think of the entire body as a sexual organ — not just what's between our legs.” This can involve touching, kissing or nibbling the nipples, neck and other parts of the body.‍
“In the BDSM community, a ruined orgasm is the practice of stimulating a partners genitals right up until the point of climax, then stopping abruptly,” sex therapist Angela Watson tells O.school. “This can either mean stopping just before an orgasm occurs, or just as ejaculation begins.” This will cause the orgasm to be less intense than it would be if stimulation continued. “In [people with pensises], this will cause semen to dribble out as opposed to shooting out, and [they] will not experience any pelvic muscle contractions.”
Watson mentions that ruined orgasms are especially enjoyed because they can allow a dom (dominant) to feel in control over a sub (submissive). She adds, “It can also be enjoyable for the sub as well, since it will intensify the denial and teasing which come with chastity play.”
Lorrae Bradbury — a sex, love, and empowerment coach, and founder of Slutty Girl Problems — reinforces that an intentional ruined orgasm “could be part of a chastity, edging, or orgasm control dynamic, [in which] the partner is denied the full satisfaction of orgasm, even if there was a physical release.” 
If you’re interested in experimenting with a ruined orgasm, Bradbury advises, “[Work] up to the point of orgasmic inevitability or even the beginning seconds of orgasm, then completely remove the touch or sensation. This allows the contractions of orgasm to continue, without the additional sensation to make it more deeply pleasurable.” 
This is similar to edging, which is another orgasm control practice. It differs from a ruined orgasm because it is a repetitive process that actually results in an orgasm. It occurs when a person brings themselves to the brink, or edge, of an orgasm before they climax. They then repeat this process until they allow themselves to fully orgasm, resulting in a longer, more intense orgasm. It can also be used as a treatment method for premature ejaculation. ‍
If you’re not sure what’s happening with your body, or if you’re dealing with painful symptoms, consult a doctor before trying anything else. If you’re coping with mental health issues, consult a doctor or therapist. For therapy specifically related to your sex life, speak with a sex therapist.
When Anna isn't trying to create a groundbreaking third-person bio for herself, she's working as a freelance writer, editor, and content strategist. She was previously the deputy editor at So Yummy and lifestyle editor at HelloGiggles, and has worked with publications such as Teen Vogue, Nylon, InStyle, Glamour, Bust, Catapult, and more.
We want to help you get the orgasm you want.
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How To Try Edging (Or Orgasm Control) During Sex
Edging is an awesome way to make your orgasm last longer and feel more intense. Here are a few different ways to try it!
How To Try Edging (Or Orgasm Control) During Sex
How To Try Edging (Or Orgasm Control) During Sex
You may have read about edging and sex before and thought to yourself, “edging...like edging toward the end of the bed?” Does it mean you’re on edge before getting into bed with your partner? Does it have to do with geometry, perhaps? And the answer is D) None of the above. Edging actually refers to an orgasming technique that you may or may not have been doing already. And if you haven’t, then read on. We’re going to explain exactly what edging means and different ways you can try it out for yourself (with or without a partner!).‍
Edging, or orgasm control is a practice done during solo or partnered sexual activity, in which a person brings themselves (or is brought) nearly to the brink of orgasm — aka the “edge” — and stops before the climax. This cycle is usually repeated several times before the person allows themselves to orgasm. Edging is meant to make orgasms longer, stronger, more explosive. “Think of it as endurance training,” says Danny Garrett, certified sexual wellness expert. Basically, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. 
If you can have an orgasm, you can ride the edge!‍
“The key here is to sustain the prolonged state of arousal, nearing orgasm, without falling off ‘the edge,” says Janielle Bryan, MPH CHES, sexuality educator and creator of the sexual health pop-up, The Sex Exchange. “This can be done by keeping the actions constant, toning down the stimulation gradually, or stopping completely. This really varies from person to person.” 
Note that orgasm can be experienced in a number of ways, so the more familiar you are with your arousal and genitals, the better you can navigate edging. It’s important to really get to know your orgasm and what that moment — that just before the edge moment — feels like, and what you need to do to reel it back in. 
“As you get closer to orgasm, [one might] pant and feel hot, your body will be tighter, maybe you’ll experience increased vaginal lubrication or pre-cum, this is when you’re about to climax,” explains Sophie McGrath, head of Customer Satisfaction at Adult Toy Megastore. “This is when you’ll want to stop,” she advises. 
Edging is a practice that can be enjoyed both solo or partnered. “Your partner can stimulate your genitals or you can masturbate together, or it can be done through solo-masturbation,” Garrett tells O.school.‍
The practice of edging was originally conceptualized in 1956 by James H. Seman as a treatment option for premature ejaculation (PE). He developed the stop-start method specifically so that people with penises experiencing distress around their PE could learn how to delay their orgasms over time. This method has been proven to help people with penis maintain a state of arousal, and erection, comfortably, for longer before reaching orgasm.‍
Edging can help enhance *any* type of orgasm. It trains the body and mind to stay focused, in a more heightened state of arousal for longer; and in addition, the more explosive and powerful the eventual orgasm becomes.‍
Studies have shown that new neural pathways can be opened up, strengthened, or remapped when you experiment with new ways to orgasm. “Every time you engage in sexual activity to orgasm, you’re teaching your body that this is a path to follow to climax,” McGrath tells O.school. These pathways make those orgasms easier to access in the future.‍
Edging can help you understand your body better. Through edging, you begin to develop a deeper understanding of your stimulates, your erogenous zones, your PNR (point of no return) and your arousal patterns, illuminating the path to your best orgasm. 
“There’s a mental component to it as well,” Bryan asserts, “edging with a partner takes a lot of focus and communication from all parties.”‍
”Stop start involves stimulation of the genitals (or other erogenous zones), nearly to the point of orgasm, then stopping the stimulation until the feeling of approaching orgasm fades,” Tony Lagemann, marketing representative for the sexual wellness brand, Promescent, tells O.school.
People with penises and people with vulvas can practice the stop-start technique — both while masturbating and during partnered sex — experimenting with any variety of stimulation methods, oral, digital play, penetration, with toys, etc. For edging during partnered sex, determine a word, phrase or sign with your partner to communicate when to ease off. 
You can also try these stop-start methods with anal orgasms and prostate orgasms. 
People with penises can also utilize the squeeze method to prevent themselves from finishing, wherein when nearing the point of no return (PNR), they grip the area of the penis where the head meets the shaft, squeezing for several seconds firmly, until the feeling of going over the edge subsides, without losing the full erection or arousal, then begin the process again. Rinse (not literally), and repeat. ‍
Alternatively, if you have a penis you can incorporate this method: find and massage a "sweet spot" on the penis that is particularly sensitive (often the frenulum) without stroking the whole penis. Rub only this area for long enough to get erect, and then to feel close to orgasm. Then stop and pause, allow arousal to subside. After a break repeat the process one or two more times. This builds you ability to last longer, and intensifies the sensation when you do reach orgasm.
“To make it more interesting,” Bryan tells O.school, “incorporate other sensations and erogenous zones — sex toys, mouth, hand, nipples, etc.” You can also try different positions, sensation play, or some light bondage.
Additionally, you can upgrade your edging with sex tech. Toys that offer biofeedback (like Lioness) allow you to visualize, assess, and track your orgasms, giving you real data on your edging journey. For a cheaper alternative, track them manually at Track My Woohoo or using the Premature Ejaculation App.
“When exploring edging, it is much easier to be focused and present when you have time and you’re in a comfortable environment,” McGrath offers. He explains that listening to some music, reading erotica, or watching some ethical porn you enjoy can help you get in the mood.‍
Also, as with almost literally every sexual activity, lube is always a welcome addition to the edging party. ‍
Edging can be a fun activity to explore, and whether it works for you or not, there’s no harm and nothing to lose. At the very least you will have strengthened your mind-body connection and improved your communication skills with sexual partners. A win-win!‍
Jamie J. LeClaire (they/them) is a sexuality educator, freelance writer, and consultant. Their work focuses on the intersections of pleasure-positive sexual health, queer & transgender/gender-nonconforming identity, body politics, and social justice. You can find more of their work at their website, and follow them on Instagram & Twitter.
We want to help you get the orgasm you want.
O.school keeps this information totally private and anonymous.

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And nope, it’s not the same as edging.
While some of us consider it a win if we have an orgasm at all during sex, for others, orgasm play such as forced or ruined orgasms is just another way of having the best sexual experience possible.
Here, Carol Queen, PhD, resident sexologist at Good Vibrations, helps answer some of the most commonly asked questions about ruined orgasms.

A ruined orgasm is one that’s the result of stop-and-start stimulation an
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Orgasm Denial: What is a Ruined Orgasm? – Evolving Your Man
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Long Ruined Orgasm