Lonely Wife

Lonely Wife
What to Do If You're Married but Lonely

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Why Are You Feeling Lonely in a Relationship?

The Health Consequences of Loneliness

10 Things You Can Do Right Now If You’re Feeling Lonely

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How Would You Know If Your Marriage Is In Trouble?

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How to Identify and Cope With Emotional Abuse

The One Thing You Should Never Say to Your Spouse During an Argument

How to Cope With Loneliness: 9 Strategies to Try

Chronic Loneliness and Mental Health Distress Have a Cyclical Relationship

Coping With Burnout When Your Spouse Has ADHD

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"I Don't Need Friends": Why You Might Feel This Way

Verywell Mind's content is for informational and educational purposes only. Our website is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

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Kendra Cherry, MS, is an author and educational consultant focused on helping students learn about psychology.
Rachel Goldman, PhD FTOS, is a licensed psychologist, clinical assistant professor, speaker, wellness expert specializing in eating behaviors, stress management, and health behavior change.

You don’t have to be alone to feel lonely. While being in a committed relationship might seem like the solution to the feeling of loneliness, it is possible to be married but lonely.

Loneliness is a subjective state of mind in which people desire more social contact but feel disconnected or isolated from other people. It's more about how you feel about your connectedness to others. If you’ve ever felt lonely in a crowd, you can appreciate that being surrounded by other people isn’t necessarily a cure for feelings of isolation.

You might be spending time with your spouse, but this doesn't mean that you can't feel lonely even in their presence. These feelings can lead you to feel empty, unwanted , or misunderstood by your significant other.

According to a 2018 survey by the AARP, being married but lonely is far from uncommon. Nearly 33% of married people over the age of 45 reported feeling lonely. 1

This article discusses why people are sometimes married but lonely as well as some of the steps you can take to combat feelings of loneliness in your marriage.

Living with another person isn’t a cure for loneliness. It is your feelings of being connected to your spouse that keep you from feeling isolated and alone in your relationship. Some of the signs that you might be feeling lonely in your marriage include:

All of these factors can contribute to feelings of loneliness in your marriage. Sometimes this might only affect one person in the relationship, but in many cases, both partners may be left feeling isolated and cut off from their partner.

Remember that solitude isn’t the same thing as loneliness. You can be alone, but not lonely. You can also spend time with your spouse and still feel isolated or emotionally abandoned. Having time to yourself can be good for your mental health, but it is important to know what you can do if you are feeling lonely .

Research suggests that loneliness has been on the rise in recent years. 3 A 2018 survey conducted by the Pew Research Center found that people who were unhappy with their family life were more likely to report feeling lonely. 4

There are many factors that can contribute to loneliness in your marriage:

This increase in loneliness has likely been further worsened by the COVID-19 pandemic. Because many people's social circles became much more limited over the last two years, this has created a great deal of pressure for many married couples. 7

Where people used to have other relationships to help fulfill some of their social needs, the pandemic often forced people to rely on their spouses to fulfill all of these roles. So when your partner simply can't meet all of these demands, you might find yourself feeling like you don't have the support you need.

Loneliness in a marriage can be caused by a number of different things. Family, work, and stress often play a role, but internal factors such as your own unrealistic expectations and fear of vulnerability can also make it hard to connect with your spouse.

Loneliness is an emotionally painful experience. It's also one that many people don't talk about. Unfortunately, research also suggests that these feelings can have a negative impact on both your physical and emotional health. Some ways loneliness might affect you include:

Feelings of loneliness can also affect your well-being in other ways. When you are feeling lonely in your marriage, you might be less likely to engage in health-promoting behaviors like exercising or eating healthy. It might also impact your sleep or cause feelings of stress and negative thinking that can also be detrimental to your health.

If you are feeling a sense of loneliness or isolation in your marriage, there are steps you can take to feel more connected. Figuring out the possible cause of the problem, talking to your spouse, and spending more quality time together are great places to start.

The first step is to talk to your partner about what you are feeling and see if they are experiencing the same thing. If you are both feeling lonely, then it’s likely something you can work on together to reconnect and build a deeper sense of connection.

If this sense of loneliness is one-sided, it might be more difficult to address. If your partner is being emotionally supportive but you still feel lonely, it might be something else within yourself that you need to work on.

As you work on overcoming loneliness in your relationship, it’s important to avoid placing blame. This can cause your partner to feel attacked and become defensive. 11

Instead of framing these conversations around what your spouse isn’t doing (“You never ask me questions about my day!”), focus on talking about your own feelings and needs (“I’ve been feeling alone and it would help me if you asked me about my experiences and feelings.”)

Getting more quality time with your spouse is another important step. The demands of daily life, including family and work, can make it hard to focus on your relationship. 5 Doing things like carving out time for a date night, going to bed at the same time, and talking about your days are just a few things that can help you feel more connected to your spouse.

Limiting your social media use may also be helpful. As the research suggests, heavy social media use may contribute to increased feelings of isolation and loneliness. It can also contribute to unrealistic expectations about your own relationship. When you see filtered highlights of other people's lives and relationships, it may make you feel less positive about your own.

Creating limits around your social media use can also have other benefits, including more time to spend with your partner. If you’ve found yourself scrolling through your newsfeed instead of talking to your partner, consider creating a time and space where you put down your phone and focus on each other instead.

If loneliness is still causing problems, you should consider talking to a therapist about why you are married but lonely. Couples therapy can be highly effective and can address problems with trust, intimacy, empathy, and communication. 12 A therapist can help you learn more about how to connect with each other, develop stronger communication skills, and work on any underlying issues that might be interfering with your marriage.

If you are feeling lonely in your marriage, you can take steps to fix the problem. Talking to your spouse is an essential first step. Spending more time together can also help you feel more connected. Couples therapy can also be effective for improving different aspects of your relationship.

It's important to remember that every marriage is different. And every relationship will have a natural ebb and flow, which may include periods of feeling less connected.

If you are feeling lonely in your marriage, it's important to figure out what might be causing it and take steps to address the problem. Getting to the bottom of the issue now can help you work toward building a healthier relationship.

Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S. The growing problem of loneliness . The Lancet. 2018;391(10119):426
Flood SM, Genadek KR. Time for each other: work and family constraints among couples . J Marriage Fam . 2016;78(1):142-164. doi:10.1111/jomf.12255
Primack BA, Shensa A, Sidani JE, et al. Social media use and perceived social isolation among young adults in the U.S . American Journal of Preventive Medicine . 2017;53(1):1-8. doi:10.1016/j.amepre.2017.01.010
Xia N, Li H. Loneliness, social isolation, and cardiovascular health . Antioxid Redox Signal . 2018 Mar 20;28(9):837-851. doi:10.1089/ars.2017.7312
Overton AR, Lowry AC. Conflict management: difficult conversations with difficult people . Clin Colon Rectal Surg . 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728
Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A. Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: A study protocol . BMC Public Health . 2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735
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a daily reminder to grow your marriage
Posted on July 9, 2018 by Lori - The Generous Wife
This is the last of the questions I am going to share from the Ask Me Back post. It’s a difficult one, but I think it applies to any situation where you can’t seem to get your husband’s attention about your needs and wants.
My husband and I have been married for 35 years and we are very happy for the most part. The one thing recently that is affecting our closeness, at least for me is his schedule. Scott is a good friend, businessman, and servant. He works many hours, but also serves on boards, hangs out with business associates, and goes on trips with friends. He sees all of it as necessary and when I tell him that I’m feeling lonely or that he is gone too much, he just explains how important it is. One example is that he might go on an all-day golf trip and in the process, pick up a business client. He also works a lot in the evenings and weekends. When I suggest having an end time, he just says he has to be available. Then after all the busyness, he wants to hop in the sack. What’s a lonely wife to do?
The word “recently” stood out to me. If this has not been a problem for most of your marriage, then something has changed. I would ask him about that and make a point of sharing how much you miss the way things used to be. You’re concerned about the change and about how you are drifting apart. Help him see the differences and let him know, that while there is good fruit for business and service, there is harm being done to your marriage.
The other thing that really spoke to me is the value he is putting on other activities. They are “necessary” and “important.” If he feels that your marriage is “doing OK”, but he has concerns about work or service, he may feel that he needs to invest more there. He may not understand the seriousness of the problem (typically women are quicker to notice emotional drift).
One really good tool is using word pictures . Use something he likes and understands to explain your perspective. For example, ask your husband to pretend that he is a business associate of someone. He calls them for an appointment, but that person is too busy to see him. He needs that person’s help, but they are out playing golf with friends. He wants to grow the business relationship, but they are always busy with someone else (even on evenings and weekends). How would he feel? What would happen to that business relationship?
Tell him that’s how you feel when he is always too busy for you and your marriage relationship is suffering. You have to invest some time and energy for any relationship to remain strong and healthy. That is true of business and marriage.
I know many a busy couple that uses their calendar to stay connected. They have a weekly appointment on their business calendar with each other. They don’t break the appointment and very rarely do they move it. They do other things together, but that appointment is their time to connect with each other. (If your husband can make an appointment with George or a member of the board, he can make an appointment with you.)
Yes, be willing to listen to his perspectives (some jobs do require a huge amount of networking), but let him know that your perspectives are equally valid and important. If you team up and get creative, you can take care of both your needs. You may need to have some serious talks about your values, what kind of life you both want, and what that might look like practically.
Try not to blame and shame. Discuss what you see, what you feel, and what you want/need.
If he’s not willing to discuss it, let him know what you think the natural consequences of this problem will be and very quickly find a counselor for yourself. A face-to-face person can you hear you out better and help you see options that I cannot through email (things like writing a very clear letter, inviting him to join the counseling session, or asking one of his friends to talk to him).
The important thing is to continue to communicate about the problem (yes, he might see that as nagging, but this is important). What you put up with is what you live with. Don’t go silent and let this continue. Don’t let your marriage drift and end (whether or not there is a divorce). Fight for it.
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King, Jr.
♥ Prayer Prompt: Ask God to help your husband hear your t
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