Little Teen Daughter

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My teenage daughter has become angry, rude and distant
I try to talk to her and show affection but she pushes me away. I feel almost bereaved. Annalisa Barbieri advises a reader
My 16-year-old daughter is disrespectful and I don’t know what to do (posed by model). Photograph: JGI/Jamie Grill/Getty Images/Blend Images
Last modified on Fri 23 Oct 2020 12.36 BST
We have been having problems with our youngest child, who is 16, for the past 18 months. She is always angry and argumentative and talks very disrespectfully, mainly to me: we can’t even have a decent conversation any more. At first, my husband wasn’t that supportive and I felt I was fighting a lonely battle, but he has become more supportive and together we do try talking to her about her behaviour. We discipline her sometimes by taking her phone away, but nothing seems to make her behaviour improve.
I have asked if she is having any difficulties, but she says she isn’t. She has lots of nice friends and socialises a lot. I try to talk to her and show affection but she pushes me away. I ask her to do things with me, but she always declines.
I have found her behaviour increasingly difficult and it is making me feel very down. I feel almost bereaved, as if I have lost my daughter, because we used to be so close and do a lot together and laugh a lot. I don’t know what to do. All I want is to have a relationship with her again. I love her so much.
You do still have a relationship with your daughter, but, for whatever reason, it has changed. In your longer letter, you said you had lifesaving surgery a few years ago, after being chronically ill for most of your daughter’s life. I think this may be significant.
I spoke to psychotherapist Frances Basset, a member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk), about your letter. The word that stood out for both of us was “bereaved”. Your longer letter reads as if you are in the grip of a massive loss and I want to try to help you see this as more of a stage, a bridge (a shaky one, perhaps) to a different part of you and your daughter’s life.
Basset thinks it really comes across how low you feel, and how you have taken your daughter’s anger very much upon yourself, even though, in your longer letter, you say she is rude to the wider family, too. Basset suggests: “You might want to explore your sense of loss in your own life and what that means. With change, comes loss.”
Basset wants to make sure you have ruled out external issues such as drugs and alcohol, as they may be a factor. I know we have this stereotypical idea of teenagers being grumpy and non-communicative – they are the most demonised section of society and, incredibly, this seems acceptable. As I said in the past, teenagers may be big, but inside they often feel very small.
First, have you got some support for yourself, outside the family? Basset thinks this will be really helpful (your GP should be able to refer you for at least a few counselling sessions, so do look into this). Second, try to show you care, but back off. You want answers and intimacy, but you are likely to get neither by pushing for them. Keep suggesting little trips out – not every day, but occasionally – but be breezy if she doesn’t accept – don’t approach it as if your life depended on them.
“Anger,” explains Basset, “is often connected to fear.” What do you think your daughter might be afraid of?
Basset thinks that, although your daughter is going through a transition (adolescence), she may also be acting something else out. It is very hard to know what, but it could be some dysfunction within the family (that sounds dreadful, but most families have some dysfunction!). Or she may be angry with you for being ill and only able to express it now she feels you are safe and well. “What was your relationship like when you were ill?” asks Basset. “Your relationship with her may have been very intense when you were ill.”
I felt a certain pressure from you, too, about her growing up – as if without her you didn’t know who you were. Are you defined through your family? Is she picking up on your fear, your need for her to fill some gap in your life? This could lead to resentment. I suggest you find something just for yourself outside of the house – what makes you feel confident and good about yourself? Don’t talk to your daughter about “what’s wrong”, but about more general things (a tip: children tend to talk more if you are side to side with them and doing something else, a walk, cooking, or driving). Don’t be afraid of silence, or of a row. I would counsel against taking her phone away. I know it is not a popular view but I think you get further by being authoritative and confident, but understanding, rather than just confiscating stuff.
“Don’t be afraid of this [stage],” says Basset. “Don’t crumple. Give your child space to grow.”
It would be interesting to know what, when your daughter talks, she is saying – is there a repeated refrain? Are you listening to it?
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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How to Deal With a Narcissistic Teenage Daughter
Verywell Family's content is for informational and educational purposes only. Our website is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Ⓒ 2021 About, Inc. (Dotdash) — All rights reserved
Amy Morin, LCSW, is the Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind. She's also a psychotherapist, international bestselling author and host of the The Verywell Mind Podcast.
Ann-Louise T. Lockhart, PsyD, ABPP, is a board-certified pediatric psychologist, parent coach, author, speaker, and owner of A New Day Pediatric Psychology, PLLC.
Maybe your daughter says, “You never do anything for me!” as you’re en route to the store to buy her more soccer equipment. Or maybe she insists she shouldn’t ever have to clean the bathroom because it’s not her job. No matter how she expresses it, dealing with a narcissistic teenage daughter can be tough.
If your teenage daughter is a bit self-absorbed, you’re not alone. Rest assured that her insistence that she’s the center of the universe doesn’t necessarily reflect upon your parenting practice.
Instead, the idea that the world—and everyone in it—revolves around her is often just a phase. Over time, you’ll likely see signs that your teen is able to look outside herself and consider other people’s feelings more often.
The term "narcissist" is usually used to describe someone who is vain, as opposed to someone who has a narcissistic personality disorder—which is a diagnosable mental health condition.1 People with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty functioning. They struggle to maintain healthy relationships and their education and employment are affected.
It’s estimated that about 6% of the adult population may have a narcissistic personality disorder. But it’s rarely diagnosed before the age of 18. It’s unlikely that self-centered behavior from your teen is a sign of a bigger problem.
Being egocentric is part of normal teenage development. It helps adolescents separate from their families and form their own unique identities.
Egocentric thinking and self-centeredness usually start to taper off by about age 15 or 16. While you are waiting out this stage, there are steps you can take to help deal with a narcissistic teen. These strategies can help you cope while also helping your daughter realize that the earth doesn’t revolve around her.
Empathy—the ability to understand and share the feelings of another—goes beyond little-kid lessons like learning to share and say "sorry." Teens are still actively building empathy skills too. This is a prime time to focus on helping your teen understand empathy at a deeper level.
To do this, look for opportunities to interpret how other people might feel. Ask questions like, “How do you think your teacher felt when the student yelled at her?” or, “How do you think your friend felt when ​you canceled your plans at the last minute?”
Similarly, when you’re watching the news, ask questions like, “How do you think it feels to be that family?” Regular conversations about other people’s feelings will remind your teen to be concerned for other people.
Saying “Eat your broccoli because there are starving kids in the world” won’t promote a sense of compassion. But volunteering together at a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter could remind your teen to be a giver, not just a taker.
Volunteering can help your teen recognize that she has resources to help alleviate other people’s suffering. She might volunteer to visit residents at a nursing home or tutor younger children who struggle in school. Get her involved in choosing community service work, and make it a family priority to help others. 
Studies show that when teens feel awe, they are reminded that the world is much bigger than they are.2 Whether your teen experiences a sense of awe by gazing at the stars or by visiting a museum, do things that help her think about history or the natural wonders of the world. You don't necessarily have to visit those places in person. Looking at images can also be awe-inspiring. 
Show your teen you’re invested in helping other people. Whether you stop to help people when you see a need or you take meals to your elderly neighbor every week, incorporate service into your daily life.
Your attitude towards others will trickle down to your teen. So demonstrate the importance of being kind, generous, and compassionate.
A narcissistic teen will assume other people’s behaviors are somehow related to her. So when a friend doesn’t call her back, she might assume her friend is mad at her. Or she might insist that the teacher who gave her a poor grade doesn’t like her.
Gently ask questions like, “Is that the only possible reason your friend didn’t call back?” Help your teen see that while her conclusion is definitely a possibility, there are also dozens of other alternative explanations.
If all of your teen’s consequences focus on her belongings, she may grow to believe material possessions are the most important thing in life. It’s OK to restrict her cellphone privileges or take away her electronics sometimes, but make sure you use other consequences too.
Consider disciplining her by taking away experiences, such as going to a friend’s house over the weekend. Or assign extra chores, like doing more yard work, for misbehavior.
Showering your child with expensive gifts or lavish experiences may reinforce your daughter’s notion that she’s extra special. It may also teach her that her self-worth is built around having stuff—and showing those things off to others.
Set limits on how much you give to your child. Remind her that life isn’t all about elevating her status. Instead, she has time and talent she could give to others.
Many of the ads your child sees online and on TV try to convince her she needs to buy certain products to appear more beautiful or wealthier than others. Those messages could reinforce a focus on superficial things.
Plus, most teens spend a fair amount of time on social media. Whether your teen is obsessed with taking the perfect selfie or she’s bragging about your latest family vacation, social media may serve as an outlet for her narcissism.
That's why it’s important to set healthy limits on screen time. Encourage her to participate in a wide variety of activities to help her become well-rounded.
When your teen gets an A on an exam, it may be tempting to praise her for being smart. And when she scores the winning goal in a game, you might feel compelled to point out that she’s a great soccer player. But praising your child for her accomplishments will fuel her ego.
Instead, praise her efforts so you can build character, rather than inflate her ego. Say things like, “I can tell you studied really hard,” or “You really hustled on the field today.” Then she’ll know you value her effort more than her achievement.
While a shiny new necklace or being nominated for prom queen may temporarily help your teen feel good about herself, you don’t want her self-esteem to be contingent on outside events.
Help her build a healthy foundation for self-worth, so she knows she can still feel good about herself even when she fails or gets rejected. Whether she takes violin lessons or joins a service club, healthy activities can help her feel good about herself. When she genuinely feels good about herself, she’ll feel less compelled to brag to others about her accomplishments.
It’s important for everyone in the household to contribute to the family, including your teen. Keep her down to earth by assigning regular chores. And you don’t have to pay your teen for everything she does.
Assign duties, like emptying the dishwasher, cooking family meals, and vacuuming common areas of the home. Tell her she can gain access to her privileges as soon as her chores are complete.
Hostility, cruelty, and arrogance often stem from a teen’s attempts to mask uncomfortable feelings, like sadness or embarrassment. Your teen may insist the coach cut her from the team because he’s an idiot or her teacher gave her a bad grade because she’s jealous of her.
Teach your teen healthy ways to deal with insecurities and uncomfortable feelings. Journaling when she’s sad or talking to a friend when she’s embarrassed, for example. could help her address her emotions in a healthier way.
Talk about emotions often. Share your experiences with failure or rejection and the temptation you may have felt to blame other people or put others down. Explain the healthier ways you found to deal with your situations.
When your teen brags about being superior or insists she be given special treatment, ignoring her comments may be the best response. Arguing or debating with her may only give her more attention.
So choose your battles wisely. When her words or her behavior are hurtful to you or other people, address them. But don’t feel as though you need to call her out for every self-centered comment she makes.
One of the best ways to deal with a narcissistic teenage daughter is to make her responsible for her behavior. Don’t rescue her every time she makes a mistake, and don’t step in to save her from failure all the time.
Instead, let her experience logical or natural consequences for her behavior. If she breaks something, make her buy a new one. If she misses the bus on purpose, charge her for your time to drive her to school. Help her problem-solve, but encourage her to take steps to address the situation on her own.
If your daughter’s narcissistic ways are causing serious problems in her life, seek professional help. If, for example, she’s unable to maintain friendships because she alienates her peers, or she’s struggling to get an education because she’s frequently getting suspended, talk to her doctor. A referral to a mental health provider may be in order.
Get diet and wellness tips to help your kids stay healthy and happy.
Verywell Family uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Shiota MN, Keltner D, Mossman A. The nature of awe: Elicitors, appraisals, and effects on self-concept. Cogn Emot. 2007;21(5):944-963. doi:10.1080/02699930600923668
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