Little Pussy For The Kids

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The #FreeBritney movement has a whole host of wacky new "supporters."
We had no idea just how much Bill Murray liked to party
Alexander wanted to be known for feats so wild that they could only be found in myths. His drinking contests were no different.
Raising a little girl is hard. You have all these decisions to make: schools to choose, what to feed them, how to make sure they don't grow up half as weird as you did. And of course, at some point you'll have to tell her about the birds and the bees. But all that sex stuff can wait until later, right?
Well, around age six, if your nearest department store is to be believed. In stores and catalogues for kids you can find items like ...
Nic Cage Almost Starred In A Tim Burton Superman Movie Where He'd Fight A Giant Spider
This is one of those pictures you see floating around the Internet, and you always just assume it's either 1) a photoshop or 2) some handmade project from a feminist making some heavy-handed statement about the exploitation of young girls. "Just imagine if they sold toy stripper poles!" But, the toy is very real and was indeed sold in the toy section.
In case you were thinking the pole dancing kit was intended for some kind of nonstripper (poles make for good exercise, right?), then you didn't notice it comes with a garter and play money to stuff into it.
The product was sold in a chain called Tesco, which is like the Walmart of Great Britian, who denied that this was marketed to children and has since relegated it to the exercise department. That's not only about as transparent as selling a pole dancing kit in the children's toy section -- it's also a hilariously blatant lie. As advertised on the website before being forced to take it down, the Peek-a-Boo Pole Dancing Kit was "suitable for participants of 11 years old and upwards."
Oh, bonus fun fact for those of you whose eyeballs are still intact: The product description on the box invites purchasers to "unleash the sex kitten inside."
Let's pretend you're shopping for your 9-year-old daughter. You grab the typical stuff little girls like -- a unicorn backpack, a pretty psychedelic dolphin trapper keeper (that's what little girls are buying these days, right?). And now, to the toy section. There you see the Bratz dolls:
Huh. Those are definitely hot pants and high heel leather knee boots there. But, hey, millions of girls were raised on Barbie, with her gigantic inhuman boobs and they turned out fine, right?
We like how you can pick between the stiletto heel shoes and the stiletto heel boots. You know, for different occasions.
Well, OK, so maybe your kid's not old enough yet for dolls meant for the "16- to 20-year-old girls who still play with dolls" demographic. And to be fair, while having these dolls as her role models might make back-to-school clothes shopping for your daughter a battle, the dolls are themselves adults. It's not like they're telling your little girl that at her age she needs to dress like she's in the background of a rap video.
Now, meet Bratz "Twiins" Roxxi and Phoebi:
That's ... Jesus, can we go to jail for having a picture of an infant in a leather jacket and black panties on the site? And are we wrong to think that 100 percent of the people in the world named "Roxxi" who wear short, pink fur coats are hookers? We'd think we were misinterpreting what we're looking at there, but we actually can't find a photo of these dolls not dressed skankily:
But, still, it's not like they're specifically selling push-up bras and thongs to your kid ...
We all know that building real confidence and self-esteem is perhaps the most important thing you can do for your child. There are lots of ways to help them along with this: hugs, rigorous readings of Judy Blume and the occasional bar fight with your kid's enemies' fathers, the trophies of which you leave under your child's pillow to find the next morning.
But take a stroll through Abercrombie and Fitch and you'll find that there is a market for parents who think that the best way to boost the self-esteem of your first-grader is via a bikini top that will enhance her bustline.
Since A&F came under fire for selling the "push-up" bikini tops to little girls (and yes, the word "push-up" was on the description), they caved and took them off the shelves and swore to never try to showcase your 7-year-old daughter's boobs ever again. Just kidding! First, they simply changed the name of it from "push-up" to "padded." Then they relented and agreed to only market the "padded" tops to 12-year-old girls. Oh, but they made sure they still fit 10-year-olds.
OK, Abercrombie is clearly just fucking with us at this point.
Not only is the above thong sold in the goddamn kid's section where you'd expect to find the Spongebob Underoos, but the tiny thong contains the words "Eye Candy" and "Wink, Wink." This is made to fit girls as young as 7.
Not that they're trying to sexualize your child, or get free publicity by drawing web traffic from pedophiles (wink, wink).
Oh, hey, you know what would be great for drowning out all those sudden, uneasy questions about why thongs are being marketed to extremely underage girls? A visit to the cute little kiddie vending machines next to the door on the mad dash out of the mall! Those machines are just filled with innocent little things you can buy your child, like colorful gumballs, unicorn stickers and those sticky, gummy hands that eventually wind up covered in lint.
Or, to put it like Vince Vaughn's character in The Wedding Crashers, the "tattoo on the lower back. Might as well be a bull's eye." Hey, Vince, we'd like you to do that line for us in front of our tattooed 5-year-old!
From the same people who give you porn from behind gas station counters and reality shows about swinger couples, comes school supplies all emblazoned with the Playboy logo. Pencils, pencil cases, folders, ring binders ... really everything she'll need to organize a grade school education while letting the boys know she's the cool girl in class.
And just to be clear, that is school stationary aimed at underage girls, and ol' Hef dares you to look at all the fucks he's not giving. From his own mouth, "I don't care if a baby holds up a Playboy bunny rattle."
Well, there's certainly nothing new about oddly unsettling "sexy" Halloween costumes. But there's something not quite right about this sexy cop ... oh God she's 12.
Oh, how sometimes you long for the days of your youth, when you'd dress as Dracula and Frankenstein and that four-year stretch where you were a princess every trick or treat night. Times have changed. Every word in this sentence links to a different "sexy" costume aimed at children.
While every single one of these costumes have "child" in the description, you'll see teenagers modeling a few of them. That's not some kind of mistake on their part, as there are subcategories of pre-teen and teen costumes with age-appropriate models in them. We would think that maybe seeing a 5- to 7-year-old in some of these would be too much for the consumer, but then you see costumes like this:
... and realize that someone is buying them. "Mom, can I be a sexy maid this year?" "Whatever, sweetie. Make sure you get one with fishnets."
So this was the point when you decide to trap your little girl indoors for a few years. Finally it's time to open the padded cage doors, unlock that Hello Kitty leg chain and let your little girl embrace the world for all its beauties and all its faults.
But now you'll feel like a fool, because you were supposed to be taking her to get bikini waxes all this time. Now you've screwed up!
It's called "virgin waxing," and you're supposed to start at age 8. The theory is that if you start having this done before puberty, it will remove all of the hair roots and the pubic hair will never grow in. Boom! Your girl will have a permanent porn-star wax job at a fraction of the cost! That's great news because, as an oft-passed around quote in the Brazilian waxing community says, "If you want to sell the house, you have to mow the lawn."
Wanda Stawczyk, owner of Wanda's European Skin Care in New York, is quoted as saying, "In 10 years, waxing children will be like taking them to the dentist or putting braces on their teeth."
Sadly, Wanda, we're pretty sure you're right.
Do you like reading? Do you like charity? Do you like people who write for Cracked? Well this is a book for you! The Four Humors: A Collection will melt your face.
Time travel? Check. Smoke Monster? Check.
We can’t believe the Catalina Wine Mixer wasn’t actually shot on Catalina Island.
Watching a man clad entirely in stitched-together leather emerge from the forest sounds like it might be pretty terrifying.
Yes, for four decades of Olympic competition, medals were awarded for artistic achievements.
Need career direction? Look to your birth certificate.
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Sex-abuse prevention educators want children to understand that "private parts" are off limits to others. But they also want kids to be comfortable using what linguists call "standard" dialect for these parts, rather than euphemisms and colloquialisms.
One bright morning in late March, Kate Rohdenburg, a sexual violence prevention educator, sat cross-legged on the floor of a first-grade classroom. In her arms, she cradled two plastic baby dolls, one brown, one beige, each with its own miniature cloth diaper.
Thirty minutes into her lesson, Rohdenburg had already covered several foundational concepts of child sexual abuse prevention— consent, empathy, body rights, privacy.
"What body parts are the same?" Rohdenburg asked the 22 six-year-olds wiggling around her.
"Face!""Nose!""Belly!""Mouth! ""Toes!" The children called out.
"We all have a heart!" one child shouted.
"They both have penises!" shouted another, eliciting a burst of delighted giggles.
"Do you think?" Rohdenburg asked. "Does everyone have a penis?
"Noooo!" The children laughed in silly-you incredulity.
In the last year, Rohdenburg, who works in New England's Upper Valley, a region that straddles the New Hampshire-Vermont border, has said "penis" and "vagina" in the public school classrooms of more than 500 children, K through 12. She's said "penis" and "vagina" with their teachers and parents, too, some 400 or so in all. As part of the growing movement to implement abuse prevention in schools and other youth-serving organizations, Rohdenburg and other educators believe that teaching what linguists call "standard" dialect for body parts—rather than euphemisms and colloquialisms—is important. Teaching children anatomically correct terms, age-appropriately, says Laura Palumbo, a prevention specialist with the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC), promotes positive body image, self confidence, and parent-child communication; discourages perpetrators; and, in the event of abuse, helps children and adults navigate the disclosure and forensic interview process.
Despite evidence of their protective value, the words cause trouble sometimes. Two weeks after Rohdenburg gave her lesson in March, as required by a new state law, a biology teacher at a public high school in Idaho said "vagina" in one of his classes. Several parents filed complaints against the teacher, Tim McDaniel, and now he is under investigation. Last June, Michigan State Representative Lisa Brown was banned from Lansing's state house floor after she said "vagina." One sexual-abuse prevention trainer in New England tells the story of a mother who discovered her first-grader had learned the word "penis" in school. The mother pulled her daughter from class. "You've destroyed her innocence!" she shouted at the school's counselor.
Yet while cases like these make headlines, educators increasingly believe—and parents seem increasingly to accept—that teaching and using plain and accurate language to describe the human body can help children live healthier lives. "We need all adults to be partners in teaching healthy childhood sexual development," says NSVRC's Palumbo, and "square one is body parts." Educators and parents should communicate accurately, without stigma or shame, she says. This helps children who "have important health questions or an experience they're concerned about talk with adults about their concerns," whether the child is seven or seventeen. Parents are children's most important teachers, it's true, but, as educators like Palumbo notes, not every one of the 55 million children who goes to school in America each day comes home to a CDC-ideal "safe, stable, and nurturing environment." One study indicates 34 percent of child sexual abuse offenders are family members. Meanwhile, one in ten students reports being sexually victimized by school employees, predominantly teachers and coaches.
Anthony Rizzuto, Ph.D., is the child psychologist who oversaw implementation of prevention education in Catholic schools and churches in more than 360 Boston parishes, more than 210,000 children in all, in the wake of revelations of widespread abuse there. It was a time of very high emotion, Rizzuto says, with "a lot of anger, a lot of distrust." The issue of language came up at just about every informational meeting held, Rizzuto says. "In response, we described the relevant research and the reasons for using anatomically correct terms—to give children the language they need should they need to report, especially should they need to report to law enforcement or the department of social services." While it's hard to measure the impact of teaching anatomically accurate terms within the context of the comprehensive programs put in place, Rizzuto says, "the children came to learn that school and church was a safe environment to disclose and that if they chose to do that, people around them would know what to do to make it stop." Reports were tracked, he says, and indicated "an increase in children who were self-disclosing ... Children got comfortable, and started coming to teachers and parents."
Back in the classroom, Rohdenburg held the dolls. "Babies have some body parts that are the same and some that are different," she said. "With the diaper on, it's really hard to tell which parts are different—unless we know which private part the baby has. I called it a private part. Why?"
"Because it is!" the children answered.
Here lies the heart of the matter, when it comes to sex-abuse prevention: Educators like Rohdenburg want children to understand that their "private parts" are just that—private and off limits to others. But they also want students to be comfortable talking about these body parts, and with the words that describe them. "We don't want kids to think they're going to get in trouble by asking questions about sexual matters and health," Palumbo says. When officials pull a teacher into an investigation or escort a legislator from her state house floor for using the word "vagina," or a parent removes a child from a class that uses the word "penis," children are more likely to think their questions will get them in trouble, she says. This shuts down communication, reinforcing the culture of secrets and silence perpetrators rely on for cover. This is why Rohdenburg holds meetings with school staff and parents before her classes, and explains to them the reasons she uses the accurate words that everyone understands.
Prevention educators like Rohdenburg and Rizzuto note that teaching the terms needed to describe the human body is only one small piece of a complicated puzzle. Ideally, current research-based prevention models are implemented systematically, and include policies and procedures for a safe school environment, training for all staff, parent engagement and education, and, finally, a child-focused curriculum that includes a language component. "In the end, we're talking about changing some of the deepest-set norms," says Monique Hoeflinger, senior program officer for the Ms. Foundation for Women's campaign to end child sexual abuse.
With the children chatting around her, Rohdenburg rested the dolls gently on their backs. She began to change their diapers, "because babies still need help." Careful to support the neck and head, Rohdeburg held up one doll.
"Penis!" The children shouted, seeing the diaper-free baby.
Rohdenburg held up the second baby.
"Vagina!" They called out, laughing.
"Sometimes we giggle because we don't talk about vaginas and penises a lot," said Rohdenburg matter-of-factly, after introducing another word, "vulva." "But it's a body part," she said, "a private body part."
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