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Dear Deidre MY fiancée walked in on me having sex with my sister. She’s now threatening to call the police.
I’m 25 and engaged to a beautiful girl. She is 26 and we met at work — we are both nurses.
My sister is 22. Our mum passed away five years ago and we’ve been extra close since then. Our dad works away during the week, while we both live at home.
My fiancée and I went to the cinema last month and when I got home my sister was crying in the front room in the dark.
She got laid off from her bank job a while ago and has taken it badly. I asked her what was wrong and she said: “I just feel so miserable. I’ve no job, no boyfriend and feel worthless.”
I cuddled her and said she was beautiful. I cupped her face in my hands and kissed her. It was supposed to be a peck but she kissed me back and my stomach turned somersaults.
As our hearts pounded, she said she felt something for me. We had sex in my bed. It felt so right. We made love a few times over the next few weeks.
Then last night we were in bed when the front door slammed. I raced to get my boxer shorts but the door swung open and my fiancée walked in glaring.
My sister burst into tears. My fiancée walked out and drove off but texted me saying: “You’re sick. I’m going to report you to the police.” I’m worried sick.
DEIDRE SAYS: You and your sister lost your mum when you were young and vulnerable, and your dad is only around at weekends. So it has allowed you and your sister to become too close, in the wrong sort of way.
Having sex with your sister is incestuous and illegal, but I hope your fiancée feels that reporting you to the police could bring down a lot of misery on everyone but help no one.
Tell your sister that you two must get back to a normal brother/sister relationship.
If she is depressed, tell your dad she needs more support. Start by talking it over with GetConnected, which helps under-25s with any problem ( getconnected.org.uk , 0808 808 4994). Talk to your fiancée again once she has had a chance to calm down.
If you still love one another it may be possible to move on from this – though that could well involve your moving out from home.
Dear Deidre I DON’T trust my boyfriend, though he doesn’t deserve it and can’t understand it. Should I tell him about my dad’s affair?
I’m 20 and my dad got a new company phone a year ago. Mum and I were transferring his data and there were photos of a naked woman and what appeared to be Dad’s legs.
Mum confronted Dad and he said his phone had belonged to somebody else in the office before him. I didn’t believe it and Mum later told me that he had an affair when I was little.
Now I don’t trust anyone. I constantly check up on where my boyfriend is.
We’ve been together for six months. He looks confused when I quiz him, as he’d do anything for me. He’s cancelled lads’ nights out to be with me.
I’m worried how he’d act to my dad if I spilled the beans.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you stay together I think you will end up sharing such an important part of your history, but now focus on separating your relationship from your parents’.
Your boyfriend loves you but making unreasonable demands based on insecurity will eat into your relationship.
My e-leaflet Coping With Jealousy will help you handle your feelings but for starters ask your boyfriend for a loving hug rather than demanding he miss seeing his mates.
Dear Deidre I’M addicted to masturbation and I’m not in control of my life any more.
I’m 22 and good-looking but haven’t had a girlfriend for two years. I cannot even meet friends on time because of the hours I spend trawling Facebook for any glimpse of flesh – which always leads to porn and masturbation. What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve taken the first step admitting there’s a problem.
You’re not alone. More people are trawling the net this way. It’s so tempting but won’t make you happy long-term.
You can find a free programme of self-help recovery at sexaddictionhelp.co.uk and I’m sending you my e-leaflet Hooked On Masturbation?
Dear Deidre I’M married with a lovely daughter but I feel lonely and unloved as my wife and I haven’t had sex since she got pregnant.
Our daughter is 18 months old and it’s as if my wife has got all she wants now – a child.
She used to be loving, though she had issues from her past. I’ve talked to her about sex and she says: “I will get there.” But she had a traumatic labour and I know she’s afraid it will hurt her.
I’ve told her we can just take things slowly. I just want to have a physical relationship – and I want to be loved, I guess.
DEIDRE SAYS: Giving birth can be a major trauma. Encourage your wife to see her GP for a check-up. She can ask for a referral to a gynaecologist if need be. She should be healing by now, though sheer fear of sex being painful can make you tense.
If everything is as it should be, ask her to agree to sharing a loving massage a couple of times a week, with the promise you won’t expect intercourse until she’s ready.
I’m sending e-leaflets Solving Sex Problems After A Baby and Massage For Couples.
Dear Deidre MY husband has bought me a car, decorated our house and taken me on a cruise – all because he had an affair.
He’s 42 and I’m 39. We have no children but we’ve been together for 20 years. I had no clue that he was having an affair until I got a call from his mistress.
He ended it immediately but I was so hurt. And now he says the guilt is eating him up inside.
I get days where I go into a panic thinking he’s cheating again – even though
I know he isn’t as he’s so much more relaxed these days and he even leaves his mobile lying around.
My friends say it’s all guilt money – but is it?
DEIDRE SAYS: Yes, probably, but does it really matter? He’s dealing with his guilt in the best way he knows – but he has to work on rebuilding the trust too.
All the cars and cruises won’t make up for the emotional hurt but try to remember why you fell in love in the first place.
If you have moments thinking of your husband with this woman try to think up a very happy memory you shared with him.
He’s back with you now and that is what matters.
Dear Deidre MY girlfriend is a fiery redhead and if she isn’t fighting with someone at work then it is with her dad or me.
I’m 26. She is 29 and a spoilt brat, if I’m honest.
She yelled at me once because she thought I’d overcooked her pizza.
She lives with her parents and they run around after her.
I had an interview last week and asked her for a lift into town as she had the day off. She went nuts at me but it wasn’t unreasonable to ask.
I know I should man up and tell her where to go.
I was adopted so I’m used to rejection but I’m terrified of being alone and I love her to bits.
DEIDRE SAYS: Sometimes we seek out relationships which reproduce familiar feelings.
You’ve found yourself a girlfriend who makes you feel rejected again and again – even over trivialities.
This is a miserable pattern. Please get some help to work through your feelings from After Adoption ( afteradoption.org.uk ,
0800 056 8578). Then you will feel stronger and so better able to stand up to your girlfriend Her parents may indulge her but you deserve her to behave more considerately – which she may do once she realises it’s that or lose
you.
Dear Deidre MY boyfriend and I are supposed to be moving in together this month but he has still not told his mum.
We are 24, met at university and house-shared for two years. Now we both live back home, 200 miles apart.
His dad died three years ago and his mum is very dependent on him. We tried to move in together once before but she said he’d not given her enough notice.
So it didn’t happen.
I know he will obey her if she says no. He’s my soul-mate but I am worried we won’t last because of her.
DEIDRE SAYS: Be wary of putting him under so much pressure that he end up feeling torn between you and his mum.
It’s doubtful his mum will ever reach the stage of happily letting go, so he must decide how long he’s going to allow this situation to continue.
If just walking out is too hard, he needs to make planned steps so she knows he is serious and is prepared when he finally leaves.
Helping her get a good social life of her own would be a good start. And of course say that she will be welcome to visit you regularly – not your ideal,
I realise, but only fair.
SOME of us quickly fly off the handle, some rarely lose their temper. But when they do, the red mist descends and anything can happen. Anger is damaging to relationships and it gets in the way of good parenting. My e-leaflet on
Anger Management can help you safeguard relationships and those close to you. Email problems@deardeidre.org .
EVERY problem gets a free personal reply.
Tell me what you think on my Facebook page today .
You can follow my life and sex tips on Twitter @deardeidre
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