Little Bdsm

Little Bdsm
9 Things Everyone Gets Wrong About BDSM
Christian Grey should not be your only source for this.
1. Myth: BDSM is a freaky fringe thing most people aren’t into.
3. Myth: You can spot a BDSM fan from a distance.
4. Myth: If you’re into BDSM, your past must be one big emotional dumpster fire.
5. Myth: BDSM is emotionally damaging.
6. Myth: The dominant person is always in charge.
7. Myth: You need a Christian Grey-esque Red Room to participate in BDSM.
8. Myth: If your partner is into BDSM, that’s the only kind of sex you can have.
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Zahra Barnes joined SELF in November 2015, working on the Culture and Health teams before eventually becoming Executive Editor. She has spent her career as a reporter and editor covering people's lives with a focus on wellness.
Zahra specializes in sexual, reproductive, and mental health, all with the goal of destigmatizing... Read more
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Hello and welcome to almost 2017, a time when millions of people have pledged their hearts (and vaginas ) to a fictional character named Christian Grey who likes to engage in BDSM. Although the 50 Shades of Grey fervor is alive and well, especially as the second movie’s premiere approaches , tons of myths about BDSM persist.
“‘BDSM’ is a catch-all term involving three different groupings,” Michael Aaron , Ph.D., a sex therapist in New York City and author of Modern Sexuality , tells SELF. First up, BD, aka bondage and discipline. Bondage and discipline include activities like tying people up and restraining them, along with setting rules and meting out punishments, Aaron explains. Then there’s DS, or dominance and submission. “Dominance and submission are more about power dynamics,” Aaron explains. Basically, one person will give the other power over them, whether it’s physical, emotional, or both. Bringing up the rear, SM is a nod to sadism, or liking to inflict pain , and masochism, liking to receive it. It’s often shortened to “sadomasochism” to make things easier.
Got it? Good. Now, a deep dive into 9 things everyone gets wrong about BDSM.
“There’s a lot of misunderstanding about how common this is,” Aaron says. “A lot of people may think just a small minority has these desires.” But sex experts see an interest in BDSM all the time, and a 2014 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine also suggests it isn’t unusual. Over 65 percent of women polled fantasized about being dominated, 47 percent fantasized about dominating someone else, and 52 percent fantasized about being tied up.
“It’s 100 percent natural and normal [to fantasize about BDSM], but some people come and see me with shame,” certified sex coach Stephanie Hunter Jones , Ph.D., tells SELF. There’s no need for that. “It’s a healthy fantasy to have and one that should be explored,” Jones says.
Sex isn’t a necessary part of the action. “BDSM doesn’t have to be sexual in nature—some people like it for the power only,” Jones says. It’s possible to play around with BDSM without involving sex, but for some people, incorporating it into sex ratchets things way up.
All sorts of people like BDSM, including those who seem straitlaced. For them, it can actually be especially appealing because it offers a chance to exercise different parts of their personalities. “Some of the most conservative-seeming individuals are into BDSM,” Jones says.
“One of the biggest misconceptions is that people do BDSM because of some sort of trauma in their background,” Aaron says. People who engage in BDSM aren’t automatically disturbed—a 2013 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine actually found that BDSM proponents were as mentally sound, if not more so, than people who weren’t into it. “We conclude that BDSM may be thought of as a recreational leisure, rather than the expression of psychopathological processes,” the study authors wrote.
When done properly, BDSM can be the exact opposite. “I often use BDSM as a healing tool for my ‘vanilla’ couples,” or couples that don’t typically engage in kink, Jones says. She finds it especially helpful for people who struggle with control and power dynamics.
To help couples dig themselves out of that hole, Jones will assign sexual exercises for them to complete at home. Whoever feels like they have less power in the relationship gets the power during the role play. “This has saved relationships ,” Jones says, by helping people explore what it feels like to assume and relinquish control first in the bedroom, then in other parts of the relationship.
When it comes to dominance and submission, there are plenty of terms people may use to describe themselves and their partners . Top/bottom, dom (or domme, for women)/sub, and master (or mistress)/slave are a few popular ones. These identities are fluid; some people are “switches,” so they alternate between being submissive and dominant depending on the situation, Jones explains.
Contrary to popular opinion, the dominant person doesn’t really run the show. “In a healthy scene [period of BDSM sexual play], the submissive person is always the one in control because they have the safeword,” Jones says. A safeword is an agreed upon term either person can say if they need to put on the brakes. Because a submissive is under someone else’s control, they’re more likely to need or want to use it. “Whenever the safeword is given, the scene stops—no questions asked,” Jones says.
Christian should have saved his money. Sure, you can buy BDSM supplies, like furry blindfolds, handcuffs, whips, paddles, floggers, and rope. But there’s a lot you can do with just your own body, Jones explains: “You can use fingers to tickle, you can use hands to spank.” You can also use things around the house , like scarves, neckties, and stockings for tying each other up, wooden spoons for spanking, and so on. Plus, since your mind is the ultimate playground, you may not need any other toys at all.
When you're new to BDSM but your partner isn't, you might feel like you need to just dive in. But you don't have to rush—people who are into BDSM can also like non-kinky sex , and it can take some time to work up to trying BDSM together. And much like your weekly meals , BDSM is better when planned. “BDSM should never be done spontaneously,” Jones says. Unless you’ve been with your partner for a long time and you two are absolutely sure you’re on the same page, it’s always best to discuss exactly what you each want and don’t want to happen, both before the scene happens and as it actually plays out.
The BDSM community actually prides itself on physical and emotional safety. “A number of discussions around consent are integral to individuals in the community—people have negotiations around what they’re going to do,” Aaron says. People in the community use a couple of acronyms to emphasize what good BDSM is: SSC, or Safe, Sane, and Consensual , and RACK, or Risk-Aware Consensual Kink.
Of course, sometimes it’s still a gamble. “A number of things people do have some danger—boxing, skydiving, and bungee jumping are all legal—but it’s about trying to be as safe as possible while understanding that there’s some inherent risk,” Aaron says. It’s up to each person to set parameters that allow everyone involved to enjoy what’s going on without overstepping boundaries.
“There are a number of entry points for people,” Aaron says. One is FetLife , a social media website for people with various kinks. You can also look into Kink Academy , which offers educational videos for different payment plans starting at $20 a month. Another option is Googling for “munches,” or non-sexual meet-and-greets for kinky people in your area, along with searching for kink-related organizations in your city—most big cities have at least one major resource. They usually go by different names, like TES in New York City and Black Rose in D.C., Aaron explains, but when you find yours, you may be on the road to opening up your sex life in a pretty exciting way.
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One of the most misunderstood types of BDSM relationships is the Daddy Dom/little girl dynamic (or DD/lg). For some, it’s just fun role-playing with clothing and outfits. For others, it is their identity. Even though there are many benefits to ageplay, it can be hard to know what things to say to someone who feels this lifestyle is wrong. Keep reading to learn all about the DD/lg rules, definition of “little space”, Daddy dominant traits, and get new ideas , so you can enjoy ageplay responsibly.
Ever since I became sexually active, I always had a “Daddy kink”. I loved calling my now Dom, Daddy, and enjoyed being coy and pretending to be innocent. I bought school girl outfits and was drawn to anything Disney. Unfortunately I did have “Daddy issues” growing up, and the fact that my father passed away when I was 13 just compounded them even more.
Being in this type of lifestyle with my partner was a healthy way for me to explore this kink without fear, shame, or enabling what could have been harmful experiences. Since my partner never had a father, it was also very therapeutic for him to be the role that he never had in his life. It was extremely empowering for both of us.
Ageplaying involves treating the sub like they are a certain age, usually younger, anywhere from toddler to teenager. As a result, the sub treats their Dom like their Daddy. He takes on the paternal role of protector and caregiver, and administers discipline and training when needed. The sub becomes his “little” and relies on him emotionally, physically, and even sexually and sometimes financially.
Ageplayers are NOT pedophiles. The definition of pedophilia is having sexual feelings towards children. A sub is not a child, but is a consenting adult. Therefore, a Daddy Dom wants to be with HIS little girl, not little girls in general.
It can be hard to explain this lifestyle or know what things to say to someone who doesn’t understand this kink. Basically, age playing and DDlg satisfy both individuals involved on many levels:
Usually men are naturally attracted to youth and innocence, and having a little meets that need continuously. They will also have the satisfaction of having someone rely and dote on them, and counting on them to “fix it” when things get hard. Similarly, littles are constantly seeking the praise and attention of their Daddy and will do their best to please him.
When his baby girl disobeys rules, a Daddy Dom also gets the fulfillment of disciplining her in any way he desires, (and she has consented to). She will also come to him with her sexual needs, as he knows how best to please her.
In a symbiotic way, what makes the Daddy happy fulfills the little’s needs and vice versa. She will be made to feel eternally youthful and beautiful, and he will spoil her and cherish her. Subs that choose this relationship are usually emotionally fragile at times, and having a supportive, paternal figure is very soothing.
Likewise, being told they’re a “good girl” makes sub ageplayers feel extremely content. And obeying the DD/lg rules and knowing they’re making their Daddy happy gives them immense reassurance. For example, head pats and forehead kisses mean the world to me.
Now that you know the real definition for ageplay and what both the Daddy Dom and little girl get out of it, here are some of my experiences and ideas for making it work:
The Daddy Dom ultimately chooses the clothing his little girl wears, but short skirts, dresses, and having their hair in braids or pigtails is usual protocol. School girl outfits are very popular, and Brazilian waxes are a great way to get that look and feel for ageplaying.
(For DDlg clothing, toys, and accessories, check out Kinky Cloth . They’re my favorite.)
Littles should refer to their Dom as Daddy, and always ask them for permission, just like a dependent child would. Daddys need to call their littles by appropriate names like Baby Girl, and conversations and lectures are more enjoyable when she’s told to sit on his lap.
Littles also usually require a softer approach when being dominated. Good Daddy Dominant traits are being nurturing, caring but strict, being a good listener, and supportive. Here are some ideas for things to say:
DDlg revolves around wanting to please and fearing disapproval, so rewards and punishments are vital. Therefore pats on the head and forehead kisses mean a lot, and spankings are usually a must. In addition, keeping the attitude of “Daddy knows best” will also deepen intimacy.
The definition of “Little Space” is a state of mind submissive ageplayers enter when they’re deeply feeling little. Here are some ideas for age appropriate activities to help a sub enter little space more easily:
Ageplaying is a great way to mix childlike innocence with naughty sexual curiosity. Don’t listen to people who try to say that ageplay is wrong. The DD/lg lifestyle can become the basis for a healthy BDSM relationship, and bring even more happiness to both the Dom and his sub.
I have found my Daddy and I am elated. We have been apart for 12 weeks and I will see him again on Saturday. He has bought a vanilla collar and he will put that engagement ring on my finger on the weekend. I get to marry my Dom Daddy. I get to be looked after and loved and controlled and contained for ever.
This is exactly what I’ve been looking for. I’m not very experienced in the lifestyle, but taking care of a little is an extremely attractive idea. Your article is inspiring.
Very good read. My submissive is not a little, but as a Dominant, I truly enjoy reading about other aspects of our lifestyle.
Keep up the good work.
RA.
This was a perfect read today. DDlg is something my Master approached me with recently. I really thought it was silly, (honestly), but after reading your blog, I may give it some thought. He is everything you described here. As always, love your blog!
Great article, and I’ve tried explaining this several times to very close friends that find it creepy. I’m a bratty sub with little traits (especially when feeling extra sensitive). You hit the nail(s) on the head with all the things!
Your article was such a welcome one to see!
When Daddy and I first had the conversation about our lifestyle, Daddy explained a “Daddy Dom” was just what He was. For me to voice that I felt “Little” most of the time, and having Him know that, took a weight off me and made me more comfortable with who I am. Even though we don’t live together, we are 24/7 in the relationship and it works great for us!
Thank you for your lovely explanation of the DDlg lifestyle!
Amazing article and as a practiced daddy dom who is looking for a new little girl I can honestly say this is spot on information.
My Daddy and I love our lifestyle. He has always been very protective and caring over me. We started my Little Space soon after I started reading about it. It was an easy transition for us. It has taken our relationship to the next level. When he asks me how his little princess is? My heart just melts and I feel like a very special little girl who has the best daddy ever! Thank you for your blog. You are awesome!
This really is a fantastic read! DDLG never was weird to me. I’ve been a natural Dom for as long as I remember. Only about a month ago I met my first true little. She is unbelievable. We live a 24/7 DDLG and neither one of us could be happier. I’ve tried to train women who want to be little but they just can’t in my experience because a part of them grew out of that or is ashamed of it I’m not sure. But my little doesn’t want to be called anything but little and treats me like a man more than any other woman ever did and I’m 52 years old. This is the most rewarding lifestyle I could have ever imagined. Finally I found the right person!
I am a little and when I read about ddlg I asked my daddy if he wanted to try it and he said yes! Daddy and I love this life style. Going into my little place at work is hard but kind of fun. I just wish I worked somewhere were I could be me all the time.
I recently was told that I am a little. I didn’t realize what that was until I started researching. I started by calling my Dom Daddy and things just clicked from there. One day he just said, “You do realize that you are a little right?” And I denied it. Then I looked it up and talked to some friends and they agreed. So I am new to this, even though I’ve been in the lifestyle for 12 years.
This is the perfect read. I’m new to the lifestyle as I’m just discovering that I’m a little. I’ve been researching and this post helped so much. I hope to find a Daddy to fulfill my Little lifestyle ❤️
Resently I have been able to explore my little side more, with my mommy dom who is my girlfriend as well. This post gave me some insight on some things I never think about.
Thank you so much for your article! It came at the perfect time! I have been a baby girl for 6 months, so this is very new to me. However, I feel like I have always identified as a baby girl! Dollie’s and stuffy’s included, it helped me to accept myself and be ok with bringing them out. Feeling youthful and beautiful is the most wonderful at 63. Lol! Daddy punished his baby girl as she broke the rules. This baby girl does not like to be a bad baby girl! So it was very hard. Sometimes being new to our 24/7 exchange is hard to grasp. Your words help put everything back into perspective! Thank you so much ☺️
I am a DD with a new little because we recently married at 60 after both being widowed a couple years ago. She just retired as a professor and loves being mine. We find that these roles are a fun escape from our responsible lives. I think it’s a freedom she has never known. Me too. I st
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