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Today on the Stern Show, Spyder Harrison explains what differentiates him from the pack, Sirius edits Howard’s birthday message for Martha Stewart, and Gary grows a solidarity beard for the Mets.
Howard started off the show noting that Gary had grown a beard over the break, leading Robin to laugh: “It looks like his face is dirty.” Gary addressed Howard: “You’re not good with any kind of change. If I had it for a week and shaved it off, you’d say ‘Why’d you do that?'”
Howard speculated that Gary might be mistaken for a terrorist at airports, and Gary admitted the beard could be around for a long time: he’s not shaving until the Mets’ get their record above .500.
Artie said he has gotten his weight down “in the 230s” and laughed that now he’s off Subutex, his armhair has begun to grow back. Artie claimed he owed his continued sobriety to watersports: “You know what I can’t stop doing? I bought those jet-skis. Holy shit is that fun.” But added that he’d have to get serious if he wants to lose those last thirty pounds: “I’ll have to go to the gym and do all that shit. I’m gonna have to jog.”
Howard laughed that the birthday message he recorded for Martha Stewart’s birthday had been edited for her SiriusXM channel: “They said it wasn’t appropriate for the Martha Stewart channel.” Howard played the message, which, in part, confused her for Mary Jo Buttafuoco: “It’s really a miracle you’re still alive…Oh. You’re not the one who was shot in the head by your husband’s lover. Now I remember. You’re the one who went to prison.”
Gary reported that the 2 minute message, which went on to describe an imagined prison sex fantasy involving Martha and two incarcerated models, had been cut down to its first 5 seconds: “Hey Martha, its Howard Stern. Happy Birthday.”
Lisa G came in with the headlines and Howard immediately noticed a sexy change in her work attire. Lisa admitted she was more confident after learning she had D-cup breasts and now wore tighter tops to work.
Lisa said she recently wore the $100 bra Howard bought her out to a Southampton bar–she’s nicknamed it ‘The Stealth Bomber’–and subsequently met famed Chicago Bear coach, Mike Ditka. Lisa laughed that Mike was nice but difficult to talk to, as he’s hard of hearing.
Sal’s friend Ian called in to complain that Sal had ruined his wife’s recent birthday party, explain “Guess What’s In My Pouch,” went off on an anti-Semitic rant, asked a Latino woman to score him drugs, insulted the guest of honor and drew jiz all over her birthday portrait.
Sal later crashed at Ian’s house and hid bananas everywhere–even stuffing them down the toilets. Sal said he called Ian the next day to apologize for the one thing he remembered–insulting Ian’s sister–and learned about everything else he’d done: “I hadn’t really been drinking in 3 months…I blacked out.”
Sal added that his wife was so upset by the evening, she won’t have sex with him anymore–when he tried to bang her the next day, she held up her hand, telling him: “Go away. Don’t analyze it, Mr. Shrink. Just take it for what it is.”
Sal was proud of drunkenly defacing the birthday girl’s portrait: “I drew an arrow to her crotch saying, ‘Wish I was here.'” Fred was positive: “At least that’s a compliment.” Asked to demonstrate his jiz-tagging skills, Sal whipped out a marker and drew a splotch on a photo of a woman’s face.
Howard and Artie thought the results were terrible. Sal shrugged: “All my loads are horrible. Ask my wife.”
Sirius XM DJ, Spyder Harrison stopped by to promote the work he does over at Sirius Hits 1 and tell a few stories from his long radio career. Howard asked what separated him from Casey Kasem, so Spyder cited Casey’s trademark teases.
He added that because Sirius XM’s music stations are commercial-free–and, even better, uncensored: “It’s more fun to talk about Kelly Clarkson peeing in the shower.” Howard then wondered if Spyder’s deep voice translated to his genitals: “Are your balls bigger than two oranges?” Spyder affirmed Howard’s assumption, noting that his wife had cautioned him to just tell the truth when he went on Howard’s show.
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