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My one experience with spanking was in a New Orleans "strip club". When I say "strip club", I'm giving this place way too much credit. The little place where my friend and I ended up was basically an outhouse with really scary red lighting. It was like a haunted darkroom.
During our cross country trip, we figured in New Orleans, we must visit a strip club in the French Quarter . You know you're in trouble when you're a tourist trying out strip clubs. Strip clubs are not to be "sampled" casually.
I don't really understand lap dances. When I'm with a stripper there is an invisible wall. So, while a stripper is gyrating over me, I lean back and pray that I don't inadvertently touch her. I'm totally on the defensive.
Often I find a pair of boobs shoved in my face. This is one of those things that you always think you want to happen and then when it happens, you realize you just don't want it to be happening.
My stripper shoved her boobs into my face and everything went dark.
It was like when I visited the beach when I was little and wiped out in the surf. I'd be picked up in a terrible whirlpool of sea foam, aqua hiss, and jumbled tides. There would be temporary darkness and total disorientation until I was mercifully deposited back on the shore. Afterward, I'd sit in a daze, trying to get my bearings.
As the stripper unpeeled her boobs from my face, I felt this same dazed feeling of being deposited on shore. After I got my bearings, I realized I wanted to be anywhere on earth but in this little strip club. I looked over at my friend who was being mounted by his stripper and he looked equally miserable.
"Please, we just want to leave. We want to go home," I begged.
"Yeah, this is just awful," said my friend.
"Sounds like yours is misbehaving," said my friend's stripper (being referred to as an object is always fun).
She turned to me: "You've been a bad boy. You need to be punished."
"Take your pants down," she demanded.
We all have crossroads moments in our lives. What college major should I pick? Should I take that job? Paper or plastic? I realized that I could decline her request, and lose the story. Or I could go with it and have something to tell my kids (well maybe not my kids, but someone).
My stripper cocked her arm back, took aim, put all of her weight (there was a lot to draw from) behind it and...WHAM...she slap-spanked my ass so hard that the collision of hand to cheek seemed to shake the decaying rafters of the shack. She repeated this a few more times.
I heard my friend's muffled voice from under his stripper's boobs:
"Please! Stop. You're going to hurt him!"
After a few minutes of this, we were able to get away. We even ended up paying. I think the girls really thought that they had given us what we wanted! Honestly, all we wanted was to like look at some pretty girls from afar...I guess? I would have felt more fulfilled if I had spent all of that money on that claw thing that grips the stuffed animal for three seconds before dropping it.
The next day added insult to injury when my friend realized his glasses were nowhere to be found. They must have fallen off-knocked off by his stripper's boobs and probably crushed by one of her stilettos. It was such a symbolic plight-his glasses, civilized and sophisticated, smashed under the dominance and power of our strippers.
Needless to say, we did not go back to that shack the next day (if it was still standing) to investigate. My friend would continue across the country half blind.
How does anyone enjoy getting spanked? Was I supposed to enjoy it? It really sucked. For those of you who enjoy it, or have friends who enjoy it, can you explain what is so good about it? Is there some kind of psychological reason it's supposed to be good? I thought that physical contact between two people was supposed to be gentle, but maybe I'm supposed to be mixing it up more?

A site for romance and thriller author, Cassandre Dayne

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Now that’s a question isn’t it first thing on this Monday morning. It’s funny, I was trying to help a friend yesterday figure out some issues with WordPress and I was looking at my stats. There are some topics that tend to drive more readers to my blog site and it has nothing to do with my written pieces per say. Wild and wicked topics such as BDSM, oral sex, ménage and spanking tend to garner more folks stopping by. There is one by far that has gotten me more hits and people go back to a post continually that I wrote about eight months ago so I thought I’d revisit the topic since I’ve had many more conversations about this – spanking.
I got into a very sexy conversation this weekend with a writing friend of mine and we were talking about spanking not only in our erotic books but in real life. Have you ever craved spanking your partner? Hmmm… It’s still I think an interesting topic and one most people tend to shy away from and I’m not certain why. I’ve written about everything in my books from spanking as a part of BDSM and the use of a “playroom” in which the sub is disciplined with a myriad of implements such as floggers, paddles, cat tails, etc. and both the sub and the Dom enjoy the aspect from different points of view. The sub can gain an extreme rapture like state from the endorphins released and enter an almost trance like zone called subspace. The Dom on the other hand enjoys not only the control factor in being able to wield the whip or flogger as he or she sees fit but takes personal satisfaction about knowing when enough is enough.
    I’ve also utilized a game that many D/s couples engage in of cards where depending on the card selected will determine just how many spanks the sub receives. Now you might say, isn’t that being a little harsh? Pain and pleasure mix together in the aspect of the D/s lifestyle and for any of us who have tried any levels you know that these two mix. I’m not talking about going to the sadist and masochist level where the Dom is literally beating the crap out of his sub without regard to her safety or pleasure. I’m talking about the control and trust between the two individuals where the Dom understands the sub’s emotional and mental needs as well as can easily tell by her body and skin’s reactions to the moment of discipline when the sub can’t handle any more.
But there’s also as an aspect of course of spanking that is a growing practice and one in more of what we would call vanilla relationships. I really am starting to hate that term by the way. Just what is a vanilla relationship? Is that when the two engage in sex only on every second Thursday of the opposite months with the letter M and perhaps they do it in the bed in the missionary style period and it lasts maybe two minutes? That’s not vanilla. That’s boring as shit. Don’t you agree? Well, since we’ve established THAT little fact, let’s see what can potentially spice up a relationship.
We all understand an appreciate women’s rights and strong women in both the relationship and the workplace and thank God for the movement so many decades ago. BUT… didn’t that change the dynamics of a relationship quite a bit? Now I’m not suggesting in any way that this has given us higher divorce rates but I am certain some men feel a bit emasculated given the power women can wield. So… I have read about and researched couples who are going back to a practice the majority say is imbedded in Christian practices – the Head of Household. Trust me in that I am not Christian and my beliefs would probably have some people screaming into the hills looking for an Exorcist but it’s been very interesting doing research.
Men take the lead role in the family and make the majority of the decisions such as financial and about the household while the women of course work or go to school just like normal and care for the family and children. This is not dissimilar to what we live every day BUT… When there is an infraction of rules – and there are rules – the husband uses certain methods of discipline to help his wife understand her misguided ways including corporal punishment. Boy, if you really want to spark an interesting debate go to this topic and immediately people will have two completely opposing sides. I see them both and being a very dominating woman in real life there are few who could imagine I personally would accept the concept in my every day life. But would I and if I did why?
From what I’ve learned, it’s no difference in many ways than the strong professional man who has been in charge at the top Fortune 500 company for twenty years and has the power of his friends and family and craves being the sub in a Domme situation. They long to give up having to be the Big Dog. There is no difference in some women. They crave as strong women sometimes not having to fight every day to be the top of what they do and yes, it’s a continual fight to have women seen as equals in every situation. So… they don’t mind entering into a sub relationship or perhaps allowing their husbands more control.
Now, the HOH (Head of Household) lifestyle isn’t for everyone but for those who want to try you have to talk and research. A male friend of mine asked me directly if I would consider and when I said yes with the right man, he was taken aback. “But you’re such a strong woman and so independent and you come across as balls to the walls.” You bet. But that doesn’t always bode well for a relationship. I terrify the majority of men period. They are afraid they can’t be good enough in bed and out and are worried I’ll take all the control away from them and you know what, I do that – not always consciously but I do and that hasn’t worked really well in my life. So… what do you do? You enter into a situation in which you decide together what are the rules and what happens if they are broken. This can mean anything from no swearing to not spending excess money and the woman taking better care of herself.
To each their own in a relationship and you decide together and when the rules are broken you will receive punishment. I tease saying I’m willful and there are concepts where so many women are and move into spiteful and then you know what happens? Men usually don’t shove back – do they ladies? They avoid at all costs and you get that, “whatever you want, dear” syndrome and meanwhile they are seething inside. Ladies, do you ever see the deer in the headlights look where nobody is home as you’re talking? Yep. Been there, done that and my tee-shirt is bright red. What’s yours?
I’m not suggesting an HOH lifestyle will cure everything but in reading blog after blog and personal testimonies from women and men who after several years of marriage, and a testy one at best, decided to move into the practice and it takes a while to be comfortable too. They state they’ve never had a better time together and their sex life is off the charts. Why? Closeness and trust and the understanding that when he says STOP, you are going to stop arguing or else. Primitive I know but it works for many.
There are many forms of discipline including the removal of privileges but for the majority spankings work. Now, back to the title of my blog. How hard to do you like them? Most women in this situation won’t say they “like” to receive a hard spanking but in a sense they do. They want the strong connection and when a man places you over his knee and either spanks you with his hand or another implement, most women feel so connected they are enraptured and most men do enjoy the control. Certainly other implements are used including paddles, brushes, belts etc and sometimes that’s based on the severity of the infraction and sometimes it’s his choice. Period. He decides. Sounds interesting, doesn’t it?
You don’t often see the DD – Domestic Discipline – scenario played out in erotic romance but I’ve explored a few and I think for me it’s the anticipation. I am writing a piece titled just that – Anticipation. Imagine when he texts you from work telling you in no uncertain terms you are to be prepared for a spanking. Hmmmm… So how hard do you like it? As hard as he decides and my bet is for some couples you’ll have the best sex/romantic moment of your life afterwards. Again, to each their own but I see the problem with our relationships is not trying something else when it’s simply not working. What’s the harm? If it doesn’t work you at least did something new together. And if you think about it, this is very erotic for some and structural for others.
My sexy thoughts for the week. I hope it gives you something to perhaps talk about over the dinner table tonight.
I write a lot of spanking books with dominant men and submissive (but sparky) women. I find that women really like the idea of being called to task when they know they’ve misbehaved, along with the titillation value of being spanked during sex. Men readers seem to enjoy the idea that they can control the behavior in their household and have an atmosphere there that makes them feel like home is a more consistent place — behave badly, get spanked, very consistent. I find the whole spanking trope to be wholesome and sensual.
Good article! I’m glad I found you through twitter.
thank you very much Patricia and I’m glad you found me as well. I agree completely with you and think women find the thought very exciting to them both in passion and with regards to discipline. Thank you for commenting!
I just uploaded my first erotic short with spanking this past weekend. It’s already sold more in 24 hours than my other two shorts did in their first month. Guess I found a niche…and one I enjoy writing! 😉
You did find a niche – very much so and glad you enjoyed
Oh Cass, once again you are living up to your wicked reputation. This is one of your blog posts with so much good stuff in it, I hardly know were to start in terms of a comment. Hmm, let me comment on the topic of the post first.
Administering a spanking is a real turn on, it provides a control rush and it can be extremely erotic to feel/watch her squirm as each slap lands on her quivering flesh. Sometimes a spanking is given as a form of punishment in a D/s relationship, but it can also be a simple re-affirmation of the trust between both parties. I like it as a part of foreplay that sets the stage for the actual sex. Sometimes, spanking her ass during the act will trigger her climax – that’s the pain, pleasure combination kicking in.
Men and women are so very different in our wants and needs. However, speaking from a male POV, more times than not – power and control are the ultimate aphrodisiac for a man. Now this is the tricky part – a man can’t get so drunk on the power and control that he forgets she has feelings. This is where the trust factor kicks in. She is trusting him with her very being and as her D, he must cherish her trust. He must know her limits and not push her past those boundaries. He is also trusting her to be honest with him about her true feelings. It is an interesting dynamic, but when it works – it can be fabulous. *Sighs*
I completely agree with you Sir Benjamin and you and I have talked about the dynamics on many an occasion. I think there is a difference in the types but the control for men is certainly something that intrigues me both as a writer and as a woman and I crave much of what I talk about. The dynamics have changed and I for one feel couples can enjoy engaging in an alternate lifestyle – if they allow their inhibitions to be pushed to the side. Few can sadly.
Oh, Benjamin…how eloquently you expressed the male POV. I knew we were going to get along well! Thank you for pointing me to Cassandre’s blog – excellent stuff! Just subscribed.
I couldn’t agree more. But it is hard to find a man like that. Women have to be “everything” nowadays…Mom, wife, nurse, housekeepe AND most are looked down on if they don’t work outside the house or make some kind of income. I often think I was born in the wrong decade.lol I am sick of always being the “strong” one. Why should we be ashamed of what we want? Not “speak” of it in public..so what? We aren’t lesser women because of it. I intimidate the hell out of men, then I don’t respect them. I always figure if I am up front about what I want it will be better and then everyone knows where they stand. But it doesn’t work that way. Most of the time, if you say it…they are either intimidated or don’t believe “we know what we want”. Sometimes you can ask all you want and men are too afraid to believe you are for real or honest. They have been conditioned to see women differently too over the decades, just as we were conditioned to think it was “bad” to want a man to be in charge and to “hide” those feelings. Screw it, I am done hiding. Sometimes men are afraid to overstep a boundary…they were taught that women want complete independence and that they have to “not” be the Head of the Household. Some woman want that, doesn’t make us weak or weird…it is just who we are.
Excellent post. I enjoy a spanking, but my hubby isn’t into the lifestyle. He doesn’t want to be in it and he doesn’t want to experiment. I guess I’m just screwed. Loved your post though.
That’s what I experience and would love to have the feeling and the type of relationship. Maybe you can slyly show him the article LOL
I found this article through twitter and thought it was great. I had this conversation with a group of friends about why spanking is sexy and two of them, both single moms, said that it was part of the fantasy to have a man in your life that was strong enough to be in control.
I am thrilled the power of twitter works and thank you SO much for stopping by and reading and taking the time to write me a reply. I love writing about all aspects of relationships – including kinky and what some would consider unconventional so very happy you enjoyed.
I’m with the comments of Benjamin Russell that spanking is a turn-on during sex. I’m not married and I don’t fit into the HOH role you write about. We don’t have a pr
https://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/a2062/like-being-spanked-spanking/
https://cassandredayne.wordpress.com/2012/03/26/how-hard-do-you-like-your-spankings/
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