Light Bondage
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Light Bondage
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Sophie Saint Thomas is a New York-based writer originally from the Caribbean. She is Allure ’s resident astrologer and the author of Finding Your Higher Self: Your Guide to Cannabis for Self-Care (Adams Media), a guide to self-care and marijuana, and [*Sex Witch: Magickal Spells for Love, Lust, and... Read more
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Curious about the consensual, erotic power play of BDSM, but don't feel ready to invest in a full-scale dungeon just yet? We have good news: You can add BDSM moves to your partnered sex life without spending a mint on new accessories or mastering dozens of different rope ties.
Even in a post- Fifty Shades world, there's no shame in being new to BDSM. And while investing in kink gear and sex toys can be fun, this kind of play is ultimately about you, your partner or partners, and consensual power exchange, not capitalism. "BDSM doesn’t require any money," kink-friendly sex therapist Michael Aaron tells Allure . "Much of it is psychological, and if you are looking for impact play, many people feel like no toy beats their hands anyway, and that’s free. Likewise, various household items such as rope and clothespins can be used in scenes, and they hardly cost anything at all." (A "scene" is how people commonly refer to a period in which the kinky play goes down.) From safely restraining your partner to experimenting with role-play, here are eight ways you can explore BDSM with your partner tonight.
When we talk about dominance and submission in BDSM, we're talking about consensual power exchange: That means that even if a submissive partner is tied up and allowing the dominant partner to dictate what happens in a scene, the terms have been discussed and agreed upon by all partners beforehand. In fact, the sub can even be thought of as the one in control, since it's the dominant partner's responsibility to always respect their limits. Before trying anything new, talk it over with your partner to make sure you're both into whatever's about to go down. You may be interested in choosing a safe word that stops play if needed. Learning your turn-ons and boundaries (and your partner's) is all part of the fun of BDSM, and discussing your encounter before it happens can be its own anticipation-building form of foreplay.
Are you a submissive who likes being reprimanded? Do you want to be told that you're a bad girl and that you're going to do what daddy wants? Ask your partner to talk dirty to you. Anyone can engage in dirty talk related to BDSM themes, whether you are dominant, submissive, or both (someone who plays both roles is referred to as a switch). Dirty talk allows you to express your desires. Verbal cues also help you visualize hot fantasies. Say you have a fantasy of being restrained but for now just want to hear your partner tell you about how they're going to tie you up and (consensually) use you, or you'd like to see how it feels to call them "sir." Dirty talk lets you explore fantasies before physically trying them.
Adding sensory deprivation to your sex life is an easy and tantalizing way to build tension. When you temporarily subtract stimuli from one sense, you can heighten others: For instance, when you can't see because you're wearing a blindfold, a whisper in your ear or the taste of your partner's mouth may seem all the more intense — and exciting.
If you want to buy a blindfold, start with a comfy silk one such as this $8 satin mask from Babeland . You can also use a sleeping mask or the silk tie of a bathrobe. Depending on what role you want to play, ask your partner to blindfold you or ask if you can blindfold them. Once the blindfold is on, the partner not wearing it can tease and tantalize the wearer, leaving them guessing what's coming next by kissing all over their body, whispering dirty talk into their ear, or tickling erogenous zones with a feather.
Orgasm control, especially when done to a person with a penis, is usually referred to as "edging." This involves bringing someone nearly to orgasm and then abruptly stopping the stimulation, then repeating as desired. If you're new to orgasm control, you probably already know that delayed gratification can make the end reward that much sweeter. You don't have to have any sort of rigid edging routine to explore orgasm control: If you're the submissive partner, simply relax and give your dominant partner permission to take your orgasm into their hands. Have them use their mouth or a sex toy to bring you close to climax, stopping right beforehand. When you can't wait any longer, let them help you cross the finish line and prepare for the most intense orgasm you've had in a while.
Candles are useful for more than just creating mood lighting. They can also be used for temperature play, or using hot and cold to provoke arousal during sexual play . (This technique can feature in both vanilla and BDSM encounters.)
In the case of candles, you can have a partner drizzle hot wax on your body, but don't just use candles you picked up from the grocery store: The wax from those can be a little too hot. Companies such as Jimmyjane make massage candles designed for sex, in erotic scents such as bourbon and ginger and date . These sex-specific candles burn at lower temperatures than most conventional ones and also melt into luxurious oil that you can use for erotic massage. Since role-play, especially anything that involves power dynamics, is great BDSM fun, try role-playing as a massage therapist and client — complete with a happy ending if you so choose.
Restraint is the crux of many BDSM scene. After you and your partner discuss what activities are on the table when one of you is tied up (perhaps that's spanking, nipple biting, and oral sex are) and what's off-limits (maybe you're not too keen on spitting or face slapping), the tying can begin. There are many great books out there to teach you some basic knot-tying skills, such as The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Midori, but you don't have to get fancy; just make sure the knot or tie is something you can undo when you're ready. You can buy some specialty bondage rope or even use a scarf or a bathrobe tie. Pro tip: Lay whatever material you're using flat against the skin so that it doesn't bunch up and threaten to cut off circulation. If you use rope, keep some safety shears around so that if one of your knots becomes stuck, you can simply cut through the rope.
Handcuffs are another common restraint tool, and they tend to be quite user-friendly. While ropes are highly versatile, you don't have worry about your tying skills with handcuffs, and since you can also use cuffs to ensure the submissive partner is unable to touch themselves, they're handy for experimenting with orgasm denial. Start with some comfy Velcro cuffs , or if you want a realistic-looking pair, try these metal handcuffs from the Fifty Shades of Grey line on for size.
Role-playing can help you get into a kinky mood as you take on the personas of people with power dynamics you want to explore, such as a boss and secretary or student and professor. Dressing up is a creative, liberating way to explore hidden desires, so if you're turned on by being dominant or submissive with your partner but feel a little nervous, the right outfit could help.
It can be as simple as something you already have at home, such as a tie or a plaid skirt, but sites like Lovehoney offer a dazzling range of affordable costume options . Do you want to be the patient who asks the hot doctor to examine them and test their orgasm? Have your partner throw on a stethoscope. Turned on by cheerleader role-play? Put your hair in pigtails and lean into the fantasy. Costumes help us step into the dominant or submissive roles we want to act out in bed. Even if you throw on a costume and end up having vanilla sex, who doesn't love an excuse to play dress-up as an adult?
Watch our wellness editor test this wild flavor of lube:
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Curious About Bondage? 9 Things You Need To Know Before You Go There
For starters, there's a major difference between being tied up and tied down.
1. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
2. Don't get too caught up in copying what you see in the movies.
3. Understand the difference between being tied up and tied down.
4. Only restrain one part at a time.
6. Then consider bondage tape or ribbon.
9. But be prepared for emergencies, just in case.
Zahra Barnes joined SELF in November 2015, working on the Culture and Health teams before eventually becoming Executive Editor. She has spent her career as a reporter and editor covering people's lives with a focus on wellness.
Zahra specializes in sexual, reproductive, and mental health, all with the goal of destigmatizing... Read more
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If you immediately think of Christian Grey's 50 Shades of Grey Red Room when you hear the word "bondage," there's some good news: it doesn't always have to be that intense! (But of course, it can be if you want it to.) Even if you find the idea of the B in BDSM (bondage, dominance and submission, sadomasochism) intriguing, you don't have to dive in headfirst. Instead, sex experts recommend dipping a toe into the bondage pool before you really give it your all. Here, one shares some insight into how to start exploring the world of bondage.
Embarking upon a new sexual adventure makes talking about what's going on more important than ever. "Let them know if you’re feeling uncomfortable, and ask how they’re doing periodically," Jess O'Reilly , Ph.D., Astroglide’s resident sexologist, tells SELF. It might also be a smart idea to come up with a safe word, which is a word or phrase either of you can say when you need a time out from the intensity.
Or in pornography, or any other staged bondage depictions you may come across. "They may be beautiful, but they represent expert bondage scenes performed under supervision, and the models may have only held that pose for a few seconds," says O'Reilly. Instead, take it slowly and don't think you have to experience pain or intense anxiety for it to qualify as bondage.
They may sound interchangeable, but they're two distinct things. Being tied up means having a body part restricted, like having your wrists tied together, says O'Reilly. On the other hand, you're tied down when you're attached to something else, like a chair. Very good to know the difference when you and your partner are talking about your sex fantasies !
While keeping an open mind during sex can definitely be a good thing, trying too many things at once is an easy way to become overwhelmed. That's why O'Reilly suggests experimenting by restraining only one part of your body at a time rather than going for the whole shebang. "You don't need to be tied down spread-eagle to enjoy the erotic appeal of bondage," says O'Reilly.
A huge box of materials isn't required to figure out whether you like bondage. O'Reilly suggests neckties, scarves, and stockings as a good starting point. Not only will you potentially save money if bondage isn't your thing, you'll also know your way around them much better than you would a new toy.
If you're more intrigued after using household supplies to hold each other down, think about making bondage tape or ribbon your first bondage-specific purchase. "Even though it comes in a roll like duct tape, it isn’t sticky. It sticks to itself with an electrostatic cling," says O'Reilly. Science! "You simply wrap it around—keeping it flat—and press it against itself to hold it in place," she says, explaining that it's particularly great because of its versatility. "You can use it to bind body parts together or strap your partner to furniture without causing damage, and you can even create a kinky outfit using tape over your chest, pelvic region, or legs."
Once you feel comfortable, you can graduate to more intense bondage toys like handcuffs. And if you're obsessed with the idea of being tied to your bed but lack the all-important headboard, there's hope for you yet! O'Reilly recommends buying an under-the-bed restraint system that connects to your mattress instead.
Using household items is especially good for this aspect. Since you know them more intimately than you do with brand-new toys, you can make sure you're both comfortable when you use them. "Leave a little space for your partner’s skin to breathe and to ensure adequate circulation," says O'Reilly. "If you’re tying your partner up near one of their joints, add a little extra space between the bonds and their skin." Good blood flow is important for sex, and just life in general. Check in with each other every few minutes to see if whoever's being restrained is feeling any tingling or numbness, as that can be a sure sign that the restraints are too tight.
Creativity is the name of the game when it comes to all kinds of sex, especially bondage. Although lying on your back while tied up might be the first position that comes to mind, there are so many others to try! Here are a few of O'Reilly's suggestions for starters: "Bend over a chair and have your wrists tied to its arms, stand against a wall with your hands restrained behind your back, get on all fours and have your ankles bound together, or lie on your side to spoon with your hands bound above your head," she says. That way you can figure out if you like pretty much any position for bondage, if you have a few favorites, or whether you're actually not into it in any scenario.
Although it probably won't happen, sometimes urgent situations arise at the least convenient times. "To ensure that you can always free your lover from bondage in the event of an emergency, keep a pair of safety-edged bandage scissors within arm's reach," says O'Reilly. Also known as EMT scissors because their bent design helps them cut through clothes with less risk to people than ones, you can find them at various drugstores . As a bonus, they often slice through heavy-duty materials like metal and plastic.
Are they good to have on hand? Absolutely. Will you need to use them? Only on the rarest of occasions. The more likely worst-case scenario is that you'll decide bondage isn't for you, in which case you're still learning about your sexuality—always a win. But on the bright side, you might discover a new thing that really turns you on, which is undeniably awesome.
SELF does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a substitute for medical advice, and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professional.
© 2022 Condé Nast. All rights reserved. Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy and Cookie Statement and Your California Privacy Rights. SELF may earn a portion of sales from products that are purchased through our site as part of our Affiliate Partnerships with retailers. The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except with the prior written permission of Condé Nast. Ad Choices
Home > Dating & Sex > 30 Kinky BDSM Ideas to Try with your SO Tonight
You may have already heard of the four-letter term BDSM at any time in the past – but when it is actually uttered, thoughts of toys, positions, and rules may be quite overwhelming… scary even! To some, we don’t even know what the word implies. If you’re looking for BDSM ideas, you’ve come to the right place.
For starters, BDSM stands for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism. All these are subs in the wide world of kinks. For a lot of people, BDSM is something new. It can be an opportunity to explore ideas of power and control. It can also be a chance for you to discover things you never knew could turn you on.
And while BDSM can be all of these elements, it can also sometimes just be bondage sex or any other element alone. No need to pressure yourself into getting into all these when your or your SO’s comfort level is just at bondage or some other element.
Also, BDSM may not necessarily mean penetration and is just a standalone exercise for sexual satisfaction.
If there is one thing we would like to emphasize enough, it is that when going into BDSM, you should always take into your utmost consideration your and your SO’s safety. As such, we have rounded up a few things to include in your checklist before going into BDSM.
And so update your kink list as we give you the best of everything BDSM – from role-playing, essentials, to positions – here are 30 of the hottest BDSM ideas you can get into tonight!
This is perhaps one of the most popular fantasies in both men and women. The teacher and student scenario can come in t
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