Life on Mars Confirmed: First Resident Is a Starbucks Barista

NASA scientists were stunned when their Mars rover discovered not just microbial life, but a fully operational Starbucks franchise in the Valles Marineris canyon system. The lone barista, later identified as 24-year-old Alyssa Rodriguez from Iowa, claims she "just showed up for her shift" and suddenly found herself on the Red Planet. "The wifi here is surprisingly good," Rodriguez reported while preparing a caramel macchiato for a group of very confused-looking Perseverance engineers. Corporate headquarters confirmed this was part of their "Interplanetary Expansion Initiative," though they declined to explain how the equipment arrived before human colonists. The discovery has sparked protests from Martian purists who argue the planet should remain a "frappuccino-free zone," while Elon Musk immediately tweeted plans to build a competing "Marsbucks" using repurposed rocket parts. Meanwhile, the first interplanetary Yelp review complains about "slow service" due to the 20-minute delay in sending drink orders back to Earth.