Liararoux

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In Bed - Toulouse-Lautrec, 1893
Community is such an overused word, oversaturated with warm connotations of mutual aid and care. But the reality is that community is messy, blurry, not always the safe space we might want it to be.
The community I grew up in was very white, conservative, Christian. There were “community values” that people adhered to in theory: family, faith, fidelity. But the community was rife with transgressions, some more acceptable than others. The child molester

2 weeks ago

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Miranda (The Tempest) - Waterhouse, 1916
For some time, whenever I would do acid or shrooms, partway through the trip, reality would melt away. I would close my eyes and go somewhere quiet and still within myself. It’s a deep underground cavern filled almost to the top with water. A voice would say YOU WILL ALWAYS COME BACK TO THIS PLACE and I would a deep sense of sorrow. This dark dank pit, ominous, somehow comforting, a private place to which I could always retreat, curl within myself.

2 months ago

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Morning Sun - Edward Hopper, 1952
It’s been weird putting myself into a bit of exile in Los Angeles. For the past three days I haven’t had any substantial in-person interactions, unless you count a good night from the checkout guy at the grocery store or a quick chat with my neighbor who sits on the stoop outside our building and smokes a blunt as he tells me how much he loves Ina, my dog.
I feel so lonely. But because it’s so self imposed, it’s not exactly something I’m complaining ab

3 months ago

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Someone recently asked me if I ever see old clients out and about, and I said, “Probably, but I don’t recognize them, I’m pretty faceblind.”
I usually recognize people by their hair or by their outfits, but faces take longer for me. Social media is helpful for this, looking at people’s faces and studying them. Painting for years also helped, I would do portraits obsessively, especially self portraits, because I wanted to be able to recognize myself. I would look in the mirror and see a

6 months ago

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More than my promotion of sex work, critical readers of my book seem most upset that I refer to myself as a genius as a child. I did write that portion knowing it would upset people, even dear friends telling me it felt abrasive to read.
I’ve always been cocksure, arrogant in a way that’s off-putting to many. I could turn it down, tone it down, but I’ve found the best way to deal with this polarizing aspect of myself is to treat it with a little levity, to roast myself in the process

6 months ago

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The wonderful thing about sleeping with people while you’re in an open relationship is that the boundaries are clear and delineated, at least for me. If I’m with someone, I don’t leave them for another, no matter how appealing the fantasy on the other side. Why would you ever leave something so comforting and solid, the place you can settle.
But when you’re single, it’s different, and being single is so new to me. The first round of dating was largely people I’ve known and seen before,

6 months ago

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Photo by Gleb, Signing at Skylight Bookstore in LA
My book, Whore of New York, has been out for a few weeks now. I probably should’ve sent out a newsletter to promote it on launch day, but I didn’t. I kept writing things and then erasing them. This whole process has felt strange; writing the book itself was very solitary work, while the promotion is anything but. I was really anxious about having to talk so much about myself, but it really helps that so far, people have been really loving the

9 months ago

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Promotional still for Godard’s Une femme est une femme
One of my recent emails was about a little love triangle I experienced in college. I was delighted at how many people replied to that email, telling me about similar experiences.
The first love triangle I experienced was platonic. Me and my two best friends in preschool loved each other too much. Sometimes it would make us cry! We would tease boys on the playground, of course, but we loved each other best. The jealousy I felt whe

1 year ago

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Unknown Artist
The cool light of Paris at the start of summer made me think of Rome and just how warm the light there is. You can see it in their paintings, the quality of sunlight changing with the city. It made me think about how our perception of the sun is filtered through the ground we stand on. The light reflecting off buildings, made of stone from the ground, light changed by the dust in the air, pulled from the ground, and even the paintings themselves, pigments suspended in oil so o

1 year ago

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My Accidental Justin Bieber Threeway

This all took place in Los Angeles, of course, right after Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber had very publicly broken up. His “peeing in buckets” era, if that rings a bell for you.
I was a bit in love with a very beautiful girl, my friend Naomi Larbi, who lived in Los Angeles and was working as a model. We had actually first met in NYC on OkCupid while we were both going to college in the city. We got pizza together and made out in her bed the month before she moved back to LA. A year ha

1 year ago

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I keep having the same dream over and over again. I’m with a man in bed, half asleep. He rolls over and holds me from behind, his stubble brushing against the back of my neck. He puts his arm around me, elbow nestling into my waist, hand pressed just between my breasts. He gets half-hard in his briefs and I turn around and drape my leg over the gentle part of his hips.
I move as though I’ve slept with him a thousand times before, but in the dream I know it’s the first time we’ve been

1 year ago

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Yesterday, I finally accepted I was depressed. I weighed myself and the scale said 82 pounds. The last time I weighed this little, I was impossibly sad.
It’s easy to track my mood through my weight. When I had finally escaped my childhood home and was taking classes I loved in college, I finally cracked the triple digits and weighed 105 pounds. I filled out my clothes, my cheeks were plump, and my tits looked great. I loved it.
I have vegetative depression. Whenever I slip und

1 year ago

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Amedeo Modigliani, Nu couché (sur le côté gauche)
When I was going to school at Sarah Lawrence, I dated a very beautiful girl from a political family. Her grandfather was a Supreme Court justice. She was ardent about being a lesbian, always frustrated that I hadn’t come out to my parents yet.
A few weeks after we got together she took me to her family’s beach house. I met her mother and her grandmother. Both of them held my hands and smiled at me. We walked alo

1 year ago

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It all started while I was still in high school, working as an intern at a fashion company in Midtown Manhattan. It wasn’t a terribly exciting job - I wasn’t working for a big name designer or anything! It was paid, though, and that made me feel oh so grown up. I spent my days fetching coffee, designing mood boards, learning about pattern drafting, and delivering samples.
When New York Fashion Week rolled around my job got a LOT more exciting. My boss, a fabulous woman in her 50s with

1 year ago

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What makes a nerd?
I turned to Etymology Online, a suitably nerdy source, to discover its origins. Nerds, apparently, are a relatively recent invention. “Nerd” became en vogue in the 1950s; it was a play on the word “nut” - a stupid or crazy person. The first written use of the word “Nerd” was actually in a Dr. Seuss book, “If I Ran the Zoo.” The first known nerd
Of course, the meaning has shifted over time; nerds were stupid, crazy, or obsessive people, spending too much time inside w

1 year ago

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Beans.
I love them and I always have. As a kid, I used to beg my mom to buy cans of black eyed peas and I would eat them straight out of the can.
One of my Los Angeles lovers once told me she thought girls smelled like beans and boys smelled like cheese. I asked which she prefered: beans. She smelled my armpit and told me that my bean scent made her horny.
Years later, New York was experiencing a bean craze. My friends and I just couldn’t stop talking about them. We kept textin

1 year ago

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Photo by Bao NgoThe Book
First things first: A little unofficial announcement of my book. 狼 Yes, you can finally pre-order that book I’ve been talking about for the last year. If you’ve ever wanted to ask me questions about my life, why I chose sex work, or anything else, I think you’ll enjoy reading it.
It still feels strange, but seeing my book on a site makes it feel so real! I’m still editing it, refining it, but it will be happening! Preorders are very much appreciated. If you are

1 year ago

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Sex magic.
I imagine a younger version of my mother, quaking in fear at the idea that I might be into such a thing as an adult. She was always disturbed that I was so drawn to magic. But how could I not be drawn to it? Potent, mysterious, esoteric, orgasmic…
If you’ve had a blissful meditation experience, you know it’s not too far from the overwhelming pleasure of orgasm. A sense of release, so fully present in the moment and in your body that all you can feel is pleasure. These days

1 year ago

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I’ve definitely been getting progressively weird throughout COVID. I’m already a bit strange, in my own way, but as I meet up with friends, I find myself apologizing for things I say that aren’t quite right. They pat my hand and tell me they’ve also been a little more isolated, a little less sure of the right thing to say, of body language. When the encounter has been sexual, everything feels heightened, more intense. Sometimes there are tears. I enjoy the intensity and the extra sense of int

2 years ago

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Whore of New York: A Confession

Oct 12, 2021

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