Let Them Think I M Sleeping Sex
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Let Them Think I M Sleeping Sex
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I saw a porn movie the other day where this guy was doing his girlfriend while she was sleeping. Is that really possible?
originally written 11.14.2007 • updated 01.10.2022 •
Is it possible to have sex with someone while they're asleep? Sure it is.
Is it likely they won't wake up at all? Not so much.
Is it likely that person would wake up and think it was awesome someone was engaging them in sex without their permission in advance? Probably not.
More to the point, is it okay to have sex with someone who is asleep without having asked and obtained their permission first at a time when they were NOT asleep? No way.
(Does most porn care about presenting the idea that sex without consent isn't ever okay, and that when people have sex with sleeping women without their consent, they are not inclined to wake up and do anything but look for something to bash that person in the head with? Not so much, but all of us should be smart enough to know not to be gleaning ANY sort of sexual ethics from pornography , ever.)
Sleeping people cannot give consent to sex, because we're not conscious to make those decisions, and having sex with someone who cannot give consent isn't lawful or ethical, nor is it even sex: it's rape .
You could ask me to do all of the things I LEAST wanted to do in the whole world when I was asleep, and I'd grunt yes just to get you to shut yer yap and let me sleep already. It's often hard to even know if and when you're in danger when you're asleep because...well, you're asleep. I'd expect someone I trusted enough to share a bed with to know that they shouldn't put value in ANYTHING I say when I'm asleep, and to ask me about important things -- sex included -- only when I was awake. So, if you're interested in discussing the option of initiating sex with a partner when they're asleep, that's certainly something you could talk about in advance of doing it, but you still won't really have full consent at the time. Too, if the idea of having sex while you're asleep is exciting to YOU, then it makes more sense for you to talk to a partner about them doing it to YOU than you doing it to THEM.
Overall though, it's just not something I'd advise, even with a discussion first.
Giving a general permission to a partner to do something that we can't soundly decide on when it's being done isn't so kosher. Too, it can be awfully creepy, and quite an invasion, to wake up and find someone -- even someone you like and trust -- having sex with you when you've been asleep. Really, it tends to be way more creepy than sexy for the sleeping person (and you'd hope, also creepy for the waking person, since two people can't actually have sex TOGETHER when one of them isn't conscious). We need a feeling of safety to sleep soundly, and it'd be awfully tough to have that if we felt like someone could have sex with us when we weren't really aware of it, or not able to give clear consent to it, at any time.
Your best bet, here in real-life land where consent matters? Enjoy snuggling in sleep, and save the sex for before you go to bed or when you and your partner are waking up. Just woken-up morning sex is often mighty nice, and we're still bleary enough for it to feel good and floaty, but not SO out of it that we can't make a sound choice about whether or not we want to have sex.
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“He Had Sex With Me While I was Sleeping!”
By: Dear Wendy
June 26, 2012
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New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here . If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com .
Well, this weekend I slept over again and we had sex and went to sleep. Then I woke up in the middle of the night because the bed was shaking and he was actually masturbating. I kinda moved around and turned over. He stopped what he was doing right away and put his hand on me, in a sweet way. He thought I was still asleep I am sure. Anyway he did not do anything else … and we just slept.
While I don’t actually mind the masturbating, the combination of the two events while I am sleeping are making me worry. It’s a pretty new relationship and I’ve never thought of something like this before. Anyone have any suggestions? I already know I should talk to him about this; I just wonder if anyone has comments or has dealt with this before I dive into that conversation. I have looked up the sex while I was sleeping online and a lot of stuff out their suggests it’s sexual abuse, or even rape. I don’t agree with this but it did scare the hell out of me when it happened. I am in my late 20s and he is too. I find nothing else about his behavior to be abusive at all. He is caring and sweet, very nice…..just wondering about other persons’ opinions! — Sleep Issues
Be honest with your boyfriend that his recent behavior — the combination of sexing you up while you were asleep and then masturbating next to you a few days later while you were asleep again — creeps you out. Let him know that while you believe his story about thinking you were awake the first time, you find it odd that instead of going out of his way to foster nocturnal comfort and trust, he decided to jerk off in bed right next to you while you slept. Something is off here. Wouldn’t he be a little embarrassed about his behavior after the first incident? Wouldn’t he want you to feel comfortable in his presence? This strikes me as a control thing. If it were just the sex-while-sleeping bit, that’s weird enough; but as you said, the combination of these two things in quick succession is bizarre and doesn’t bode well for him or your relationship.
If it were I, I wouldn’t share a bed with him again until I felt that some trust had been re-established in the relationship. Depending on my feelings for the guy, I might even dump him and MOA now. But you have several months invested and maybe you feel strongly enough for him to give him another chance. Still, consider these acts two red flags and proceed with caution. I’d definitely implement a “three strikes and you’re out rule” for the immediate future. If he pulls anything weird again over the next few weeks, don’t give him another chance.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter and ‘like’ me on Facebook .
This is a little wierd. However, I am a sleep talker and walker. It freaked my husband out alot when we were first together because I would have full conversations that didn’t make a whole lot of sense but my eyes are open so it wierded him out. If you are like this, I really can see how this can happen. The other part is just plain lazy. Definately talk to him about all of this.
I agree if that were the case. But I think we would have explained it as such.
I suffer from night terrors, which is related to sleep walking and talking. And I’ve scared quite a few college roommates, boyfriends, my parents and my siblings on more than one occasion. But I always explain that I have night terrors.
lets_be_honest
June 26, 2012, 9:58 am
I think she said in the message board that she does talk in her sleep.
I was confused. I thought that cporoski meant he did crazy stuff in his sleep. But after reading the posts below, I figured it out. Yeah, I could see how someone thought another was awake if they sleep walk/talk.
Fun fact – it’s hereditary. My Grandpa has night terrors. My aunt walks in her sleep, and eats. My sisters and I hold conversations in our sleep. I’ve done a bit of research on the matter because sometimes my night terrors really scare me.
lets_be_honest
June 26, 2012, 10:13 am
Oh wow, I didn’t know that. Makes sense now. A lot of people in my family walk/talk in their sleep. My poor little sister has horrible nightmares.
A side note, trying to quit smoking and I’m experiencing the craziest dreams ever. So vivid. I feel like I’m never actually sleeping.
are you on Chantix? My brother had CRAZY dreams on that.
lets_be_honest
June 26, 2012, 10:42 am
No, I’ve heard that though. I’m using the patch.
Nicotine replacement gave me very, very vivid dreams, too.
Somehow hit submit before I was finished. . . .
The crazy dreams really bothered my husband. He started taking the patch off shortly before bed and putting a new one on as soon as he woke up, which alleviated the problem. Personally, I rather enjoyed the vivid dreams.
Totally off topic but the book “Easy Way to Quit Smoking” by Allen Carr helped me quit in January, I didn’t use any meds or tobacco replacements and was able to quit without too much trouble, which had never happened in the past when I would quit. I don’t miss smoking at all either; whenever I quit in the past I still missed it and wanted to smoke. Good luck, it’s better over here on the nonsmoking side
lets_be_honest
June 26, 2012, 11:03 am
I miss it like I lost a best friend. I know that sounds dumb, but its true. I should be at the Stage 2 patch, which has less nicotine, but I can’t do it yet. I tried and almost gave up. I’m two days shy of 3 weeks, which is amazing, and its gotten slightly easier, but its rough. And I’m getting bribe gifts too! lol. I’ll definitely try that book! Thank you.
Remember the rule of 3s…3days, 3weeks, 3months, 3years. You are going to have the hardest time right around those markers so don’t give up. You are almost over the three week hump
lets_be_honest
June 26, 2012, 1:08 pm
Oh wow, I haven’t heard that. I will keep it in mind!
Yea, it is on my mom’s side. my siblings and I all walk around. We don’t have night terrors, but we do seem to mosey around. I actually have the opposite, my husband says I laugh alot. There are stories of aunts and uncles doing the same thing. I thought it was normal because I knew so many people with funny sleepwalking stories.
I usually scream myself awake. As in, I start screaming, heart pounding, so I finally wake up. I have to turn on all the lights and make sure there is nothing wrong. Then it takes forever to get back to sleep because I can’t comprehend that something isn’t actually in my bed. Before I wake up, I usually get a glimpse of something that’s crawling around in my bed, like a spider or snake or other type of nasty animal. Occasionally, it’s a shadow of a person. Once, the wall next to my bed was folding down on top of me. Fun stuff.
Night terrors are also different than nightmares and they occur at different stages of sleep.
yes i have the whole things crawling in my bed too! i once woke up my husband screaming about a spider, we looked all over and then the poor guy was too freaked out to go back to sleep. i have a recurring vision of a spider crawling from my pillow on to my face. and another once with a wolf chasing my from the end of the hallway. sleeping with my dogs actually seems to help because they don’t mind being woken up for cuddling at 2 am, haha.
It’s crazy! I have to do the whole search thing too.
Night terrors are the absolute worst! I hate the whole “waking up paralyzed” part that I happens to me. One of my good friends has them too and we share stories, and her reactions are different from mine. Ugh, just the worst. I’m sorry you have to deal with them!!
That’s actually sleep paralysis, which is different from night terrors. It’s the opposite of sleep walking actually. My fiance and best friend both have that really bad, and I’ve started having it myself recently. I’ll wake up hearing demonic voices or seeing demons trying to choke me. Ughhh
Interesting. When I described what happened to me to the Dr. when I did a sleep study, he told me it was a form of Night Terrors, where you’re conscious but still in REM, so you’re paralyzed, still dreaming, but still awake. I have the same thing with the demonic voices and demons, and one time I could have sworn my hair was blowing from a beast breathing on me. I try to scream and can’t. I’m scared to go back to sleep when I wake up!
Have you been stressed out lately, or more than usual? I find that when I’m very stressed out I get them.
I read that stress, a rich meal late at night, alcohol and there was something else that I can’t remember can trigger night terrors. Last time I had one, I realized that I had a combination of all those things the night before.
lets_be_honest
June 26, 2012, 11:04 am
Ha. I’m surprised it doesn’t happen more often. I don’t get them as much as I use to though. Thank goodness.
That happens to me all the time, it totally sucks.
honeybeenicki
June 26, 2012, 11:53 am
I walk/talk/cook/etc in my sleep and so does my dad, but his isn’t as severe. My sleep specialist wants me to get those little motion alarms put on my bedroom door because I keep getting worse and she thinks I might try to leave the house/drive. My husband used to follow me around when I was sleep walking because I would take perishables out of the fridge and put them on the counter. I lost many gallons of milk that way.
There was a DUI case around here about a year ago where a guy took an Ambien to sleep, and then woke up in jail. He had gotten up, drove his car, got pulled over by the police and arrested. I don’t know what the outcome of the case what, but I struggle with how I feel about it. While totally dangerous that he was driving, it seems so unfair to punish him, since he had no knowledge of his actions.
My husband’s grandfather fell down a flight of stairs and almost died on ambien.
There´s even a case of a guy murdering someone while on ambien:
I used to take it. I found cooking spray in my bathroom once (the result of sleepwalking, maybe?), but that’s the worst that ever happened.
I used to take my ambien as a hallucinogen. It was really fun. I got to hang out with giants (both gentle and angry. There was a whole social infrastructure), and my computer screen would turn into houses made out of glass, and I had enormous squirrels flying around the room. Sometimes my lamp started talking to me. It was really fun, but I shouldn’t have done it. It actually really helped me sleep, but I used it to get messed up instead.
I once woke up naked and couldn’t find my clothes. My roommate found them in the washer and I had done a load. so wierd. I found I was at my worst when I heard something in the house, like a tv on or something. do you have anything like that?
GertietheDino
June 26, 2012, 9:13 am
WWS – Sounds like a creeper, but if you like/care about him and truly want to continue this relationship, you both need to work to re-establish the trust. Good luck LW.
While I won’t discount the possibility that it’s totally possible this guy is a creeper, I would like to offer an alternate perspective.
I once had sex with a guy and I thought he was awake until he woke up halfway through and said “What the hell?!” We had fallen asleep spooning (me the little spoon) and I woke up in the middle of the night and felt his *ahem* against my behind and moved against him until I thought he was awake because he was moving, too. And the sex just happened. Turns out it was just his body responding while he was still sleeping, but I had no idea he was asleep. Made me feel pretty creepy.
But this guy could have actually thought she was awake, especially if her body responded and he couldn’t see her face from his position. And if that is the case, the masturbating the next time makes perfect sense if he really took the problem to heart. He may have woken up and wanted to have sex but remembered what happened before, so just took care of himself beside her instead, and touched her when she woke up because, hey, maybe she wanted to join in now that she was conscious, but he didn’t
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