Lesbians Teacher Student

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Sian Elvin Thursday 17 Jun 2021 9:00 am


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A teacher reveals how she’s recently watched an incredible transformation in the way young people learn about LGBT+ people.
‘In the 15 years I’ve been teaching, things really have changed and moved on,’ Evie Cryer tells Metro.co.uk.
But when she started teaching primary school children as a young lesbian, she could not be as open as she is now – and hid her sexuality from her class.
The now 36-year-old began primary school teaching in 2007, shortly after Section 28 of the Equality Act was abolished.
Section 28 was a law introduced by Margaret Thatcher’s Conservative Government which prohibited the ‘promotion of homosexuality’ by local authorities and schools right up until 2003.
But despite starting her career four years after Section 28 was completely removed from the statute books, she was warned not to tell her class she’s a lesbian in case it impacted upon her career.
‘I was told I wasn’t meant to tell the kids,’ she says, ‘I thought I could manage it for a year.’
But in that time she was further told she couldn’t teach sex and relationships education (SRE) because she ‘didn’t know enough’.
‘Now I know that’s totally wrong, but as a 24-year-old I just let it go,’ Evie adds. ‘But I didn’t know any better at the time.’
But more than a decade later, Evie says ‘everything has changed’ and she can comfortably reveal her sexuality to her schoolchildren, as she’s lucky to work in a very inclusive school.
‘I can be really open with my class now,’ the Year 6 teacher says. ‘They want to know and they are interested.
‘I’m really into reading with my class, and they come across characters in books who, for example, use they/them pronouns. So we can have discussions about how some people are not boy or girl.
‘Things like that weren’t around 15 years ago.’
Evie, who teaches at a school in North Lincolnshire, says young people using social media has really helped spark a change in attitude.
‘Social media has played a massive part in the evolution – it’s there all the time,’ she explains.
‘They’re all on TikTok, and they love celebrities like Harry Styles and JoJo [Siwa] . Celebrity now is about being open and honest, and being yourself.
‘Because they’re always around it, they ask about it more and talk about it more.’
A keen reader, Evie thinks diverse books are key in helping children learn about the LGBT+ community.
‘It is important to think about representation,’ she says. ‘I don’t want to use the phrase “normalise” – but instead “usualise” – same-sex families and lives.
‘We don’t need to teach it if it’s already part of culture, for example, if there are books where families have two mums or two dads.’
Evie also notes she’s come across several children with same-sex parents over her years in teaching, so it’s important these families are recognised in children’s literature.
‘If you don’t see your family represented it can make you feel different,’ she explains.
‘So it makes such a difference to be included.’
For teachers who are not LGBT+ but want to help their schoolchildren learn about inclusivity – however, may be concerned about getting something wrong or offending someone – Evie offers some advice.
‘I would say to treat it like something you’ve never taught before,’ she says.
‘It’s like, for example, teaching children about the Romans. If you don’t know much about it, you research it first.
‘You wouldn’t make it up and say they lived in 3,000 BC or something. You’d check your facts.
‘So with LGBT+, you’re likely to work with someone from the community who you can ask. If not, there are so many education groups on Facebook, and forums, with people who would be happy to help.’
But despite a push in recent years for inclusion, new research from young people’s charity Just Like Us this week found 91% of LGBT+ children have heard negative language at school associated with their sexuality or gender identity – and they are twice as likely to have been bullied.
Evie, who is married, thinks one way to tackle homophobia in schools is ‘for kids to see people who are LGBT+’.
‘Then they will know them as humans, and being gay, bi or so on is secondary to that,’ she says.
‘If we link being gay to positive role models, then it stops being a derogatory term. If they know someone they like is gay, they won’t use it in that way, because it’s like saying that person is bad.’
She says as a result, it can have a ‘huge impact’ for LGBT+ teachers and staff to come out to their students – if they are able to.
‘Being visible, out and part of the community can really help young people if they think they might be gay, or questioning,’ she explains.
The study further discovered that the percentage of young LGBT+ people who have contemplated suicide drops if their school has strong positive messaging around being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.
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‘It’s just about being honest about it,’ Evie adds. ‘Not having to “scream” it or fit a stereotype – you wouldn’t necessarily know about me unless you spoke to me about it – but not to shy away from it. I’m very open.’
Although Evie, who also campaigns for deaf awareness, is now able to be open with her sexuality around her class, she acknowledges not all teachers have the same experience.
The research from Just Like Us also found only 40% of primary and secondary school staff who consider themselves part of the community are out to their pupils – suggesting many feel the need to disguise their true identities.
But the teacher is hopeful that in the coming years, more LGBT+ staff and pupils will feel like they can ‘come out of hiding’.
Evie says apps like TikTok and YouTube improve the visibility of all kinds of topics related to gender and sexuality – from following the journey of a trans person to people sharing how they came out.
‘It means kids who are questioning can see how people have come out and are now living their best lives,’ she concludes.
‘When I grew up there was no social media, and where I lived there was no one like me.
‘But now kids have people who represent what it means to be different versions of gay, bi, and so on. They show we are just the same as everybody else.’
This story is part of the Future of Pride series, which is looking at the younger generation of LGBT+ community and where it is headed in the next few years. The series features in Metro.co.uk’s Pride Week coverage.
For these stories our website is working with Just Like Us , which runs School Diversity Week at the end of June to make education more inclusive and improve the lives of LGBT+ young people across the UK.
Get in touch with our news team by emailing us at webnews@metro.co.uk .
For more stories like this, check our news page .
This year marks 50 years of Pride, so it seems only fitting that Metro.co.uk goes above and beyond in our ongoing LGBTQ+ support, through a wealth of content that not only celebrates all things Pride, but also share stories, take time to reflect and raises awareness for the community this Pride Month.
And we’ve got some great names on board to help us, too. From a list of famous guest editors taking over the site for a week that includes Rob Rinder , Nicola Adams , Peter Tatchell , Kimberly Hart-Simpson , John Whaite , Anna Richardson and Dr Ranj , we’ll also have the likes Sir Ian McKellen and Drag Race stars The Vivienne, Lawrence Chaney and Tia Kofi offering their insights. 
During Pride Month, which runs from 1 - 30 June, Metro.co.uk will also be supporting Kyiv Pride , a Ukrainian charity forced to work harder than ever to protect the rights of the LGBTQ+ community during times of conflict. To find out more about their work, and what you can do to support them, click here .

A month into my first year of teaching 7th graders in Oakland, Calif., we were in the school library, using the big tables there to spread out as we outlined Africa on poster paper and added geographical features. My students chatted as they worked.
“Are you married, Ms Sokolower?” one of them asked me. My stomach instantly tied in a knot. I was a brand-new teacher in what felt like an incredibly challenging teaching situation. But I knew I didn’t want to teach from the closet. I started teaching at the middle school level partly because it is such a difficult time for kids struggling with their sexuality and there are so few role models. I just didn’t know I would have to deal with this so soon.
“Well,” I explained in what I hoped was a calm voice, “I have been with the same partner for a very long time, but we can’t get married because we’re lesbians. My partner’s name is Karen and we have a daughter. She’s 9.”
Immediately, everyone had questions and comments. “Are you for real?” “How could you have a daughter?” “How do you know you’re a lesbian?” “That’s gross.”
“Right now we’re working on Africa,” I said. “But I want to answer your questions. How about this? You think about appropriate questions and tomorrow we’ll save some time to discuss this. I’ll bring in pictures of my family to show you.”
Twenty minutes later, as we walked back across the yard to our portable, my afternoon class came running toward me. “Is it true you’re a lesbian? Will you talk to us, too?” I repeated my request that they think about appropriate questions and agreed.
That night I collected a few pictures of myself with my partner and daughter, cooking and hanging out at the playground, and one of our extended family. I also thought about how to explain this in a way that would be appropriate for middle schoolers.
I decided to say I knew I was different when I was in middle school and high school, but I didn’t know what was wrong with me. When I was young, no one talked about being lesbian or gay—the whole subject was silenced. Later, I was lucky to be in college at the beginning of the women’s movement and the gay liberation movement, so when I realized I was a lesbian I had lots of support. I met Karen when we were in our early 20s, and we have been together ever since. When I first told my parents I was a lesbian, they were really upset and that made me feel terrible. But eventually they realized that it is just part of who I am and that Karen is a wonderful person. I’m glad that now it is a little easier to come out than it was when I was young, but it still takes a lot of courage.
I also set clear parameters in my mind about what kind of questions I wouldn’t answer: Nothing about sex and nothing that felt deliberately disrespectful. And I found wording in the social studies standards that I could use to back up my decision to do this.
The next morning, there was a note in my box to go see the vice principal. “I hear you’re planning to tell your class about your sex life and show pictures,” he said. “I forbid you to do that.”
“I’m not talking about my sex life,” I told him. “I’m talking with my students about what a lesbian family is. I promised them I would explain and answer their questions if they’re appropriate, and I’m going to do that.”
That day I spent about a half hour in each class telling my brief story, passing around the pictures, and answering questions. Several kids told me that their church says homosexuality is wrong; I simply acknowledged that I know many churches have that perspective. One of the kids asked a question about lesbian sex—not a disrespectful question, but a question. I said it was a good question for a sex education class, but that it wasn’t something I could discuss. Everyone else had relevant and engaged questions or comments: “How does your daughter feel about having lesbian moms?” “How does your mother feel now? Are you still angry at her?” “How did you know you were a lesbian?” “My cousin is gay.” “My aunt is a lesbian.” “My dad says I’m lucky to have a teacher who will talk with us about so many important things.” The next day, I received a letter from the principal, telling me that she was putting a formal complaint in my file. I also received emails from several teachers offering support and encouragement (including two from teachers who told me they were gay but asking me to keep their secret). There were no complaints from parents. I contacted my union representative, who sent a letter to the principal and to my file supporting me.
I felt only positive results in relation to the kids; I could see the progress over the year as the kids who thought homosexuality was a sin struggled with the dissonance between that belief and the reality of who I was and how I treated them. Two students told me in their journals that they thought they might be gay or lesbian. And I felt that my openness changed the class dynamic; the kids knew I trusted them with important, adult knowledge, and they responded accordingly.
In the spring, I received a notice that the district was not rehiring me. In response, the other teachers at the school raised such a clamor with the principal at a staff meeting that she told them it was a clerical error and renewed my contract.
Even in the Bay Area, it’s not easy to come out as a teacher, particularly at the middle school level. In my own case, after two years of battling homophobic administrations at two different middle schools, I opted to teach high school in a situation where I knew other teachers who were open with their students about being lesbian or gay. Each situation is different: each school, each district, each personal situation. In some places the risks are greater than the benefits, and I certainly don’t want to push anyone to come out to their students who isn’t ready. But I do want to talk about some of the reasons to come out, and to talk about ways to make it less risky.
To me, the overwhelming reason to come out is to make school a safer place for youth who know, think, or fear they are lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Adolescence is hard enough without positive role models for every aspect of who one is or is striving to become. One young lesbian told me I saved her from suicide; she was brought up in an abusive and homophobic family, and knowing that I had a family, a career, and a positive self-image made her life feel worth living.
In so many ways, silence is the enemy. Having it out in the open makes it easier for kids struggling with their own sexuality, but it also makes it easier for kids with lesbian/gay parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, and uncles. There are a lot of us, so there are a lot of kids affected one way or the other. It also is an important piece of education for students who are being raised in homophobic families or communities. There is nothing quite as strong as a living example to counteract stereotypes.
Coming out can protect lesbian or gay teachers, too, in many situations. Innuendo—the snide comments under kids’ breath, the graffiti on the door—is an insidious opponent. Once it’s out in the open, you can see where everyone stands and it’s possible to engage the issues. When it’s all rumor, nothing changes for the better.
I have the privilege of writing this from a section of the country where there is more support for lesbian/gay issues than in many other areas. For this, among other reasons, I can’t say what will work for everyone. But here are a few ideas from my experience:
Don’t come out to your students before you’re ready. In particular, don’t come out to your students until you’ve been “out” awhile in other areas of your life. In the beginning stages of coming out, it’s almost inevitable to feel vulnerable and it’s hard to have perspective. At the middle and high school level, students often react to teachers based on what’s happening with a parent or elsewhere in their lives, and it’s important not to take it personally. When you come out at school, you’re deliberately creating a dissonance between who you are, as a teacher and human being, and the homophobia in the greater society and in some students’ homes and churches. The process can be tumultuous as students wrestle with their feelings and thoughts, so you need lots of perspective and experience to ride it out.
Line up support ahead of time. Start with teachers who you know will be supportive. Find other LGBTQ (lesbian/gay/bisexual/trans/queer) teachers at your school or in your district. How have they dealt with it? Is there a Gay/Straight Alliance at your school? If not, does it seem possible to start one? Is there a straight teacher who would be willing to co-sponsor it? (Gay/Straight Alliances are not just for high schools; in some ways they’re even more important at the middle school level.)
What about your union? Will they support you if problems arise?
On the other hand, I would think long and hard before talking with administrators. Unless you know that your principal is going to be supportive, you are probably better off coming out first. If they tell you not to do it or keep asking you to wait for some discussion or event that never happens, you’re in a worse situation than if they have to decide whether to publicly defend or attack you afterward. But you know your own situation best.
Over the years, I have sometimes decided to wait to come out to my students until a relevant situation arose, and other times decided to deliberately create a situation for coming out. For me, it works better to decide when and how to come out, and to do it very early in the year. That way, it’s part of who I am from the beginning, not something that upsets the students’ view of me later on. It also saves me the anxiety of constantly deciding when to do it, or whether a specific question from a student is the one I should respond to by coming out.
For example, one year early in my teaching career, a planned field trip to the Castro district of San Francisco sparked a deluge of homophobic comments throughout the 7th grade. I tried to organize a gradewide response, but the other teachers didn’t want to confront the issue directly. I came out to my students that week; I didn’t feel I could talk to them about the homophobia without being honest about my own relationship to it. But my disclosure created its own level of tumult and clouded the issues in a way that made me regret I hadn’t come out earlier.
So I usually tell my students I’m a lesbian mom as part of modeling an introductory activity in the first couple of weeks of school. One way to do that is with an Identity Poster Project I use to push students to think about why larger social issues are relevant to their lives (see sidebar, p. 33). As part
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