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Lesbians Ever

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March 2, 2010 -- Updated 1544 GMT (2344 HKT)
There are too many stereotypes about how lesbians think and behave, columnist says.

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( The Frisky ) -- There are a lot of misconceptions about lesbians. I'm confronted with them daily and, frankly, hearing this stuff is like getting smacked in the face with a wet rag.
Usually, when someone fires off a stereotype, I am so shocked that I just stand there, staring, opening and closing my mouth like a big, dumb goldfish.
So I'm going to take this opportunity to get up on my soapbox and stamp out all the stupid, ignorant misconceptions I have heard over the years. Hopefully, next time I hear one of these things I can eloquently explain why it's untrue rather than just stammering, "What!? Jerk!"
Lesbians hate men. Actually, I find that often the opposite is true. A lot of gay women I know have a ton of guy friends and find that they get along with dudes as well as with chicks. I like checking out girls and my straight lady friends aren't so interested in doing that. I feel very comfortable with my guy friends because they don't care about how I look and don't gossip to nearly the same degree. That said, I am very, very close to some of my female friends. There is definitely a very special bond between people of the same gender.
Being gay is easier than being straight because you're dating someone who is the same gender as you . I wish this were true, but it isn't. Guys complain that girls are impossible to figure out and I agree. I don't understand my own emotions and feelings half the time, let alone another woman's. Oh yeah, and if you think having sex with someone who has the same parts as you is easier, you're wrong there too. You know how it's easy to put mascara on yourself but not on someone else? Yeah, it's kind of like that.
There is always a "man" and a "woman" in lesbian relationships . Nope. My girlfriend and I both happen to be pretty feminine. I have seen lesbian couples where both women are on the masculine side, too. Believe it or not, lesbians care a lot about personality, just like straight couples. We don't just go around trying to fill a gender deficiency. Who we are attracted to doesn't have a whole lot to do with how we ourselves look. Rather, it has to do with ... who we are attracted to. Wow, what a concept!
Lesbians have daddy issues or were sexually abused as kids. Puhleeasee! My sexual preference has nothing to do with trauma or some kind of damage that happened to me as a child. Imagine, for a moment, what this conversation would look like if it went the opposite way. Straight woman: I'm straight. Lesbian: Ooooh! Do you have a really bad relationship with your mother?! Straight woman: No. Lesbian: Well, you must have been sexually abused by a big, mean lesbian as a child. Ridiculous, isn't it?
If you are a lesbian you've never had a meaningful relationship or been in love with a man . This is a hard one to make people believe, but it isn't true. When I was younger, I identified as bisexual and had a three-year relationship with a man whom I loved a lot. A few years after we broke up, I realized I couldn't date or sleep with men anymore because I didn't feel sexually attracted to them. Things change, OK? A woman who has a relationship with a woman is free to identify as straight when the relationship ends, so why can't I do the opposite?
Lesbians get committed really fast and don't cheat . The old joke that a lesbian's second date is renting a U-Haul is stupid. Like straight couples, some become a "we" very fast, and some don't. Oh yeah, and you know how promiscuity happens in some hetero relationships and not in others? Surprise! That also happens with homosexual couples. Let's stop stereotyping women as commitment-obsessed, clingy crazies, OK?
Women who like women -- especially bisexual chicks -- are just dying to take part in your threesome . Obviously, this varies depending on the person. I, myself, do not want to share my girlfriend with anyone. I'd rather drink a bottle of shampoo than watch someone else touch her. And, no, I do not want to have sex with you and your boyfriend. By the way, girls, my involvement in your sex life isn't going to make your BF love you more.
Lesbians don't wear lingerie . Wrong again. Girls wear sexy underwear for their boyfriends and girls wear sexy underwear for their girlfriends. The difference? Lesbians are aware of how uncomfortable that crap is and appreciate it more.
It's just a phase. Roar! Nothing incites rage in me like the old it's-just-a-phase crap. When I was straight, no one told me it was just a phase. Like a lot of these other misconceptions, you wouldn't say it to a straight person, so don't say it to me. It's hurtful and offensive because tons of thought, anguish and emotion went in to figuring out my sexuality. To dismiss it as a phase is also to say I wasted months of my life thinking about something that isn't real.
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'Black Swan' opened Friday and Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis' love scene has people buzzing, but there's been a long line of lesbian love scenes to make waves before the dance thriller's. Here are a few of the top recent ones. Which is your favorite?

7 Lesbian Stereotypes That Are Actually True - and the Surprising Reasons Why

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Stereotyping is a necessary evil. Stereotyping simplifies complex information so our brains can easily understand it, reducing the amount of processing we go through when seeing or meeting new people That said, it also causes us to generalize. If we see one hipster drinking PBR and wearing an “Everyone loves Grandpa!” T-shirt, our brain is like, #YesAllHipsters.
When it comes to lesbians, I was curious if the stereotypes had a basis in reality, partly because I am a former gym teacher who drives a truck and loves cats and has a wardrobe that’s 90 percent flannel. I've probed the data to see if the old lines about U-Hauling, lesbian bed death and others had any statistical sway. The results were surprising.
The most common lesbian joke is often attributed to comedian Lea Delaria, who once remarked: “What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U-Haul.” This plays into the notion that queer women tend to move in together at lightning-fast speeds. While there are no significant statistics comparing the cohabitation speeds of queer vs. straight women, there is some science that pinpoints why a lesbian couple might move in together sooner than a hetero couple. Some of these reasons have to do with societal norms, financial benefits and hormones.
“U-hauling happens for two reasons,” explains clinical psychologist Lauren Costine at AfterEllen . “Biologically our brains are wired for a relationships and connection. We emit much more oxytocin than men. Oxytocin is a hormone women emit when they’re falling in love, having sex, or breastfeeding. It’s biological encouragement to attach. It feels so good that for some women, in this case lesbians, they can’t get enough. Since there’s two women, there’s twice as much oxytocin floating around.”
And we all know what happens when you leave oxytocin floating around: trips to Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Another oft-recited stereotype is that lesbians are known to process everything to death. Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: I don’t know. Should we use LEDs? What wattage? Are these recyclable? Maybe this is a sign we should be lowering our carbon footprint. Let’s make a pro and con list of solar panel options and revisit this next year.
Processing is the tendency to overanalyze and overdiscuss every aspect that can be analyzed or discussed. When it comes to relationships, it turns out this works in lesbians’ favor. According to a 12-year study by John Gottman of the University of Washington and Robert Levenson of the UC Berkeley, gay and lesbian couples are excellent communicators who use fewer “controlling, hostile emotional tactics” when fighting, such as belligerence, domineering, and fear. “The difference on these ‘control’ related emotions suggests that fairness and power-sharing between the partners is more important and more common in gay and lesbian relationships than in straight ones,” Gottman explained.
The dreaded “bed death,” or the notion that lesbians in committed relationships stop having sex with each other, is a touchy topic. According to Karen Blair, a professor at St. Francis Xavier University and a member of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex , only 15 percent of lesbian couples engage in sex more than twice a week, compared to 50 percent or more of other comparison groups (straight couples and gay men).
But! While it’s true that lesbians have less frequent sex than their straight counterparts, lesbian sex lasts far longer:
“Women in same-sex relationships reported significantly longer durations of sexual encounters than individuals in all three comparison groups, with their median duration falling within the 30 to 45 minute range, compared to the 15 to 30 minute range most commonly reported by participants in other types of relationships.” Also, almost 10 percent of lesbians get it on for more than two hours, compared to 1.9 percent of straight couples.
“Furthermore,” Blair explains, “very few women in same-sex relationships reported very brief sexual encounters, possibly providing a hint as to why their sexual frequency numbers tend to be lower than the other three groups.”
4. Lesbians know how to please their partners.
No doubt partially due to lesbians’ excellent communication skills and lengthy lap-nap sessions, lesbians have more orgasms than straight and bi women. A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine polled 1,497 men and 1,353 women who'd been sexually active within the past year. Participants were asked to state their gender, sexual orientation and the percentage of time they orgasmed "with a familiar partner."
Researchers found that heterosexual women reported orgasming just 61.6 percent of the time, and bisexual women following close behind with 58 percent. Lesbians, however, reported coming 74.7 percent of the sexytime.
Way to bring your gAy game, wimmin.
5. The L Word: Lesbians love Leisha.
According to data culled from its four million users, online dating site OkCupid revealed in a survey that “The L Word” was not only the most common phrase used on lesbians’ profiles, it was used so frequently it didn’t even fit on the graph relative to the amount of times lesbians used it. Analysts had to shrink it down to fit OkC’s template. Love it or hate it, if you like ladies, you probably watched the Showtime series that aired from 2004 to 2009. More than once.
Also unsurprising is the prevalence of Tegan and Sara and Ani DiFranco mentions, as well as cult fave TV show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," which featured one of the first lesbian kiss scenes on U.S. television.
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6. Lesbians are kinkier and druggier.
Curiously, straight women were more “into sports” (so there goes that lesbian stereotype?), as well as optimistic and far more likely to identify as religious.
7. Lesbians reject cultural norms and dominant beauty standards.
Research has shown that lesbians tend to have better body images than straight women, possibly because they have a broader definition than the general public of what’s beautiful and sexy. (This also contributes to queer women having better sex, as the better one feels about one’s body, the more enjoyable sex is .) Some researchers posit that because dating a same-sex partner is already a move away from the mainstream, lesbians would also reject cultural messages about the “ideal” female body. Feminist values, which many lesbians ascribe to, also play into lesbians’ tendency to enjoy, celebrate and accept more body diversity than their straight counterparts.
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