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The first thing I noticed about her was her skin. It was alabaster, smooth like butter and translucent. Her hair, a lustrous brown, sat full-bodied above her collar bone, flirting with her shoulders every time she’d throw her hair back and laugh, which was often.
Sitting in meetings with her at the prominent literary agency where we both worked left me feeling weak. Usually never short of things to say, in her presence, I’d marvel at her ability to drain all quips from my mind, leaving my mouth bone-dry. But I knew the cliché and I refused to succumb to the stereotype of being the young, ambitious 25-year-old who screws the boss.
I’d come out when I was 17 and been disowned by my parents. I’d moved to London and been in and out relationships and casual flings. She was 40 and had been married for 10 years, with three children under the age of 10. The agency we worked for also represented her husband, an esteemed writer, so I knew I absolutely couldn’t go there.
Except one night, I did. I’d been at the company for around two years, working hard to secure advancements for myself all the while struggling to relax around her. But she gave nothing away. No odd winks or lingering favouritism, just an aloof air of power.
Our team were out celebrating a victory signing, when I first felt her eyes on me from across the table. I instantly assumed I must be getting the wrong end of the stick. But several glasses of wine later, my mouth was on hers and she was pushing me against the bathroom wall, as we clumsily tumbled in a stall, fumbling with our belt buckles. How could she go from practically never acknowledging my existence to pouncing on me? I felt vindicated in my feelings for her; there must have been something there all along, she had just been very good at suppressing it. After several swift orgasms in the cubicle, we returned to the table and our unsuspecting cohort of colleagues.
Our relationship gained a momentum of its own and before either of us realised, we were sleeping together every day. Sometimes first thing in the morning before anybody else arrived at the office, sometimes during a quick trip to the loo before nipping to Pret, sometimes once the last person had left for the day and it was just the two of us.
All I wanted was to be with her full-time, and for it to be out in the open that we were together
When we were together it felt electric, my heartbeat thumping furiously. But she was also the manager, the lawyer and the HR at our tiny agency, which was still in its infancy, so everything had to be secret. Six months after our toilet cubicle frisson, we were post-coital and slumped on the office floor after having sex on her desk. While I tucked into slices of Franco Manca pizza she’d ordered on the company account, she held back, glancing at the floor, before blurting out that she loved me. She’d never felt this way before and had finally realised she was gay.
In the office, nothing changed. Both of us swore not to tell anyone else. I dodged questions from friends about my relationship status like bullets - the lies were worth it for the delirium I felt when I was with her.
My boss confided in me the ennui she felt in her marriage. The sexuality she’d neatly packed into a box. She’d been with a woman before; when she masturbated, it was to lesbian porn, and when her husband performed acts on her, she told me the only way she could get aroused was to imagine it was a woman doing those things to her.
When she suggested, out of the blue and six months into our affair, that she was ready to tell our company directors about our relationship, I was secretly thrilled. This meant it was real! She had an inkling our directors already knew and had been mulling it over for a few weeks, she told me. She wanted to be honest with our directors so they could help us to map out how to tell her husband without severing his ties to the business. They took it well, even admitting that we’d had chemistry from the offset. We were finally free to love each other.
Her husband reacted surprisingly well too, suggesting that they enrol in therapy to help both of them exit their long-standing relationship. I took this as my cue to make a commitment and said I would move to the suburbs to be with her and her three children, once her husband had moved out.
To know that I could finally come clean to my worrisome friends felt liberating beyond belief. I didn’t care about sacrificing my youth to move to outer London with a swarm of forty-somethings. All I wanted was to be with her full-time, and for it to be out in the open that we were together.
Except, two weeks after she’d told her husband, I learned that that he hadn’t moved out and neither had she. She texted me to say that she could no longer carry on seeing me. She told me over WhatsApp that it was too overwhelming for her to tell people, to be honest about who she was, and ultimately who I still am. She felt too bludgeoned by people’s expectations of her, too stifled by her shame, and told me that I should live out my youth while it’s still mine. Before I could reply, she’d blocked me.
The lies were worth it for the delirium I felt when I was with her
The next day, she also blocked me on iMessage, Instagram and Twitter, claiming it was best for both of us. Work was strange for a while, as we shuffled past each other, barely acknowledging the other’s existence, let alone what we’d shared. Our company directors feigned ignorance and, obviously, none of our fellow colleagues had known anything at all, meaning I felt increasingly isolated.
On my first day back to the office, I hardly looked up from my desk, intentionally turning my back on the floor-to-ceiling glass windows that surrounded her office and slipped out of the door as soon as the clock struck 6pm. In an attempt to distract myself from work, I began sleeping with an army of women, feeling numbed by a dizzying level of promiscuity in the wake of our split.
This was six months ago. I heard recently that she and her husband were in therapy, working to reconcile and renew their vows and, surprisingly, felt nothing. Then I met somebody new and, as though she had a censor attached to me, my boss unblocked me and texted to ask how I am. I didn’t reply, I don’t need to go back to the secrets and lies, however thrilling they were.
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Dec 17, 2016

This is going to be tough. My wife and I have been together for 14 years and we have 4 children ages 5, 3, 3, and 5 months. We both work full time and have been in a new city for about a year and a half. No family or friends when we came. We had moved from another city with little to no friends where my wife gave birth to our twins. We have been so busy with kids and moving new jobs over the past couple of years. We have been even more busy with this brand new baby.
You all can imagine the toll of having no friends, new jobs, new cities, new houses, new everything all while both working full time. My job makes it so I have to be out of town for three nights every week also. I have to leave my wife behind to take care off all 4 kids alone for three days. This has taken a toll on both her and I. I feel sick every time I leave for work knowing that I have to leave here with suck a burden. When I get home I do everything I can to keep the house in order, food in the fridge, yard work done, anything I can do to lighten her load. So this has been going on for about a year and a half with this new job of mine and the past 5 months we have added the baby into the mix. We are super stressed and sleep deprived and ready for it all to get better.
My job is not the best paying job so we are very tight on money but I will be getting a very large pay increase at the begging of the year. Financial stress to boot.
Well my wife made some friends at work that we would hang out with once in a blue moon. They had kids our age as well and my wife worked closely with the other woman. There were several women that worked very closely together at her work. About two months ago they started hanging out on nights that i was home from work. I was all about my wife going out and having friends. We had been waiting for some kind of support system for her to go out and have fun. I encouraged her to go out because we had not had good friends around in years. I'm still just chugging along doing everything I think I am suppose as a husband and father. Changing diapers, making lunch, and all the daily tasks that need to be done. I had neglected my wife more than I would like to admit and she me. From her perspective I can imagine I was the sole reason for the neglect but everything is 50/50 in my opinion. Now she had this new found friendship with these women and one happened to be a lesbian. Well my wife is very pretty and in good shape for having 4 kids and one of them 5 months. My wife would come home and tell me that they were having inappropriate conversations and I would probably feel very uncomfortable if I had been around them. Typical fun friend stuff. My wife would joke to me that the lesbian woman wanted to kiss my wife. I just shrugged it off as new friend foolishness.
A couple weeks of this and my wife is now going out every week and staying out very late to almost 4 AM. I would wake up on Saturday and do things with the kids on my own because my wife would be sleeping in until 12:00 pm. This went on for 4 weeks and it honestly started to get old. I was ok with her having friends but this was taking away from us as a family. I wanted desperately for her to have her time to recover after me being gone but I finally confronted her about it. We had a late night argument and I probably was pretty upset. She told me she would try and find a balance. By the way though, she was having sex with me and very active in the bedroom right at the beginning of these women hanging out which made it even more ok for her to go out if she was going to be intimate. We have not been very intimate in our relationship in the past. We went more than a year without sex at least three times and then it was every three or four months. I was excited for the sex but after our first argument things started to change. She was ignoring me and constantly texting this lesbian woman. She ended up having an overnight at this woman's home with some of her friends. I was still fine with it. I am a very loving person and I had felt bad for my wife for years without good friends and here they were taking all our time from each other. Double negative I know. I told her that I was just jealous.
Well my wife continues to ignore me for a week and not talk about the first argument which was about her ignoring me in the first place. Over the weeks she was going out she had been spending a lot of money also. Money that we needed to pay bills! On thanksgiving I confronted her again because after our family dinner she shut herself up in our room talking to this woman on the phone laughing so loud that I had to come and speak my mind. She got off the phone and we had another argument. I was so upset that she was going out of her way to not be around me and was giving all her attention to this woman. We got to the point where she was telling me that she was not sure where she stood on our current situation. She never brought up divorce or separation she simply skirted around it but the point was taken. I asked her flat out if she wanted to be with me or not and she could not give me a yes or a no answer. I had to leave for work early the next morning so the conversation had to be rushed.
When I get back from my trip I find more bags of things she had purchased. She was spending so much money that we were not going to be able to get a Christmas tree, presents, or even be able to pay our phone and power bill. I was very upset. I had to ask my mother for some money and luckily she did and our power was not turned off but my wife had the audacity to say to me we did not have money for me to buy one pair of shoes for our daughter while there was a new pair of shoes in my wife's closet. 4 new shirts, two new pants, a new bag, two new bras from VS and over a dozen new underwear that did not even resemble anything my wife had purchased our entire marriage. Sexy stuff. Pleas know that we are very religious so things like that just were not a priority for my wife before now. I was upset and after the argument she took off in the middle of the night and went to this woman's house to stay. Stayed there all day and did not go to work. Stayed there the next night also. She told me she did not come home because I did not text here.
Meanwhile I found out that she was getting in trouble at work for being too friendly with this lesbian woman and all her other work friends. Her boss had to tell them they could not be on their phones at work. So now my wife has left and I with the kids alone yet again.
Another week passes and my wife is telling me that she is not sure where she stands in our relationship and I become devastated. This was out of left field. I confront her about her new friends and how convenient it is that she is sating the night all the time and she comes home with this news that she is unsure about where she is in life. She tells me that she needs to "Find herself".
We have this new baby and all these years together and no warning. Now these new friends, new underwear, new makeup, new cloths, new everything but the friends had no influence on her decision. I had written her a note to try and tell her how much I loved her and try and figure out what was going on. The night I was going to give it to her I find out that the lesbian woman has been coming over to my house while I was gone to be with my wife since she could not leave our kids alone. My wife started to dog sit for her and drive 45 minutes to this lesbian woman's house to let her out and then 45 minutes back to go to work. The two were always calling and texting.
Well when I was planning on giving my wife this note I see my daughter drawing on a note book and tearing it up so I take it from here and find a letter from my wife to this woman. I was devastated! Its first sentence was, and I quote "I wish that I could show you my mind so you could see how beautiful you are to me". My wife had never written anything half as beautiful to me our entire 14 years. I confront my wife and all she tells me is that she has a very "special" relationship with this woman. My wife tells me again that she is confused about where she stands with me and again tells me that she needs to find herself. She tells me that she wish she had handled here disappointment with me differently over the years. She basically tells me that all through our marriage she had reason to want to leave me. That she probably should not have married me. Not in those exact words but that was what she was conveying. Meanwhile my wife is going to work with this woman, staying late at work with this woman and still going out with this woman.
She sad a Christmas party and stayed the night with this woman again. I am trying to give here space so she can figure out where she is in life but this was so hard for me to watch her leave at night knowing she was going to this woman’s house and confiding in her. She has told me that she needs here space at night as well when I am home but she is really on the phone with this woman until late hours of the night. She has stopped giving me affection and is not allowing me to give her affection.
I show up at her work with flowers and I lean in to hug here and I could tell it was so painful for her to do. The biggest thing of all was after my last business trip I come home early in the morning and the lesbian’s dog is in my house with my wife. There was a dog bed made up in the bedroom where the dog slept on my favorite blanket. All the sheets were off the bed and in the washing machine. The lesbian had stayed the night in my house, in my bed with my children in the next room without my wife even telling me. My wife left do drive the stupid dog 45 minutes to the lesbian’s house then 45 minutes to work. I check on the laundry and there are these weird stains all over the sheets. I had to hand wash them. I can only imagine what was going on in that bed. My imagination is running wild. I was so furious.
I try to squeeze here hand before I go to work and it’s like a dead fish. She still has not sat down and talked to me about how she truly feels. I read the "Fog of an affair" and have been trying to be patient and supportive as she tries to find herself. I have also started to implement the 180 crap to see if that works. She is just gone and there is nothing I can do.
The kicker is that this lesbian woman has started to post pictures of my children on instagram and my wife has posted things on instagram about this lesbian woman also. All my wife has given me is a couple of text saying that she wished she had realized how far detached she had been getting over the years. She told me that she had just come to terms with what her marriage had become. She said that she wished she had reacted to her disappointment and heartache over the years. She said that her heart aches for our kids because of where we are.
Well after two weeks of this and me trying to be strong and not push here out the door to see if she is willing to make this relationship work I am exhausted. It takes everything out of me to be so positive all day long while I am in the worst pain of my life. I am in such despair and I have not let my wife she what she is doing to me (I did breakdown once after the first time she told me she was unsure of our marriage). I don't know where to go from here. I have looked into getting "his needs here needs" I have been studying on how to stand for a reluctant wife. I wrote her a long letter telling her that I love here. I have another long letter that I am going to give to her tellin
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