Lesbian Friends
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Lesbian Friends
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What's up with the idea that straight men and lesbians are supposed to be mortal enemies? Shouldn't they be bffaeae? They both be after yo girl.
Outspeak Contributor, in partnership with The Huffington Post
May 27, 2016, 03:53 PM EDT | Updated Dec 6, 2017
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Outspeak Contributor, in partnership with The Huffington Post
As Cam and Mitchell from Modern Family have so enlightened me, there are simple venn diagrams when it comes to the sexes and the rules of friendship:
But even the progressive Modern Family has neglected the fearsome potential of lesbian and straight men friendships. What's up with the idea that straight men and lesbians are supposed to be mortal enemies? Shouldn't they be bffaeae? They both be after yo girl.
You always hear about the archetypical "gay best friend" , which almost always refers to straight women having a gay male friend to gossip and share fashion tips with . Unfortunately this ideal is pretty un-inclusive and enforces gender normative roles. There's no reason gay women and straight men shouldn't be privy to the same tight bonds.
And it's not just because straight men and lesbians share a sexual preference for women. As Madison Clark suggests in the video above, both orientations have similar relationship struggles and they could help each other out if only they'd open up. For the lesbians, they gain a friend they can "bro down" with. For the straight dudes, your lesbian friends probably have the best advice on your lady issues, whatever they may be, because they know both sides of the proverbial coin. Madison Clark considers herself a collector of people, places and memories. She craves the touch of permanence in a world filled with the fickle and the fleeting. Follow Madison on YouTube , Twitter , and Instagram .
Outspeak Contributor, in partnership with The Huffington Post
9 Signs You And Your Friends Are A Little Bit Lesbian
By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Written on Nov 28, 2016
When I was in middle school, the popular girls liked to sneer at me and my friends for being " total lesbians ."
Ever the activist even back in the day, I didn't let this bother me, even though I identified as a straight woman.
"Yeah," I'd say, grabbing a friend's hand, " we're totally lesbians ."
If you're in a close relationship with another woman and you both happen to actually be straight, it can be hard to wrap for people to wrap their heads around.
That's because girl friends who aren't girlfriends have no problem with people thinking we may be lesbians! After all, there's nothing wrong with being in a lesbian relationship, right?!
And we know that sometimes, the line drawn between truly loving our friends and being in love with our friends can be faint at best.
Being close with friends with another woman means enjoying a level of intimacy (emotional and physical) that is so awesome it often makes other people jealous.
Here are 9 signs that your straight friendship might be a little bit lesbian (and why that's a total compliment).
1. You're constantly stripping in front of each other.
Straight friends think nothing of whipping off their tops around each other. And their bottoms. And whatever else needs removing.
Being naked with your friends doesn't mean you're looking to embrace a new totally LGBT lifestyle , it means you feel comfortable enough with your friends to be literally naked in your own skin around them, and that's beautiful.
Plus it gives you the excuse you've been looking for to ask about that bra she has that you ADORE.
2. You know what her boobs feel like...
..and she knows what your butt feels like.
The men you know with straight friends might love each other, but when they go to the movie theater they leave a sit in between them so no one will think they're gay.
That's ridiculous (and homophobic), and any girl with a super intimate woman friend will agree.
In close female friendships , we view our friend's bodies as extensions of our own, and who doesn't like to have their butt squeezed one in a while?
3. Snuggling on the regs is required in friendship.
Forget Netflix and chill, for you and your bestie it's always been Netflix and snuggle.
Sure, you may start the movie marathon on opposite sides of the couch, but you know you're going to wind up in a puppy pile of snuggles before too long.
Being straight friends doesn't mean you can't enjoy the comfort and love of physical contact.
4. You've definitely made out once.
Getting drunk and making out with your best friend doesn't make you a lesbian.
It makes you a human person who feels close enough to their bestie that they feel safe to explore and play.
That doesn't mean you don't laugh about it later, mind you, but it doesn't turn into a big effin' deal. For lots of people, sexuality is fluid and not always just defined as "gay" or "straight".
You kissed a girl and you liked it, now move along.
5. They're your go-to threesome third .
If your boyfriend wanted to have a threesome , she's the person you'd ask to join you in the sack.
It's a testimony to your friendship and to her hotness that you wouldn't think twice about asking her to join the wild rumpus in your bed.
6. They take care of you when you're sick.
With boyfriends you have to follow a series of mysterious rules and guidelines when it comes to expecting them to be there when you're sick, but not so with your friendships with women.
She may be your straight friend, but she's gonna be at your door with soup faster than you can say "You had me at hello."
Or anyone who has treated the friendship love of your life like crap!
If there's one thing female best friends will always roll up their sleeves and do battle for, it is to defend the honor of their best friend, whether or not that ex is a guy or a girl .
8. You have no problem lavishing each other with praise.
Boyfriends can be super stingy with compliments, that's why friendships that are a little bit lesbian never are.
If people heard the two of you cooing over each other's new haircut or newly acquired abs they might assume you're lesbians.
But that's because people cannot handle the depth of female friendship. And are probably afraid to admit their own discomfort with two women really loving each other — lesbians or not.
9. You fight and make up like pros.
The only people who are better at arguing than you and your friend are couples who have been married for decades.
You fight like people in love, and your reconciliations are just as joyous ... though probably with just a little bit less sex.
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5 Places to Meet LGBTQ+ Friends Online
There’s nothing more affirming than having a group of LGBT friends.
Whether you’re in a small town or a major city, there are other LGBTQ+ people near you. The hard part is just actually finding them. There’s nothing more affirming than having a group of queer friends, but if you’re struggling to meet people (or are, you know, stuck inside quarantining because of an ongoing global pandemic), try finding friends online!
1.) Find friends through Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr
One of the easiest ways to meet LGBTQ+ people online is through Facebook. It’s still possible for people to conceal their identity or present a false identity through Facebook, but it’s a little harder, and there are usually more red flags (an empty profile, no pictures, no friends). Search "LGBTQ" + [Your City/Closest Large City] or Queer Exchange [Your City] to find groups of queer people in your area.
Tumblr can be a mess. Tumblr is usually a mess. But if you start following LGBTQ+ blogs you like, send a message. There are even some Tumblr blogs dedicated to finding LGBT friends . Most Tumblr users are in their teens and early 20s.
Twitter can also be a good place to meet LGBTQ+ friends of all ages. Search tags you’re interested in, follow a group of people with common interests, and search for online/virtual meetups in your area.
Meetup.com can be a little hit or miss, but try searching terms like LGBTQ, queer, lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender to find groups near you. You’ll find queer book clubs, hiking groups, improv groups, softball teams, foodies, bar hoppers, and more. If you’re not in school and you’re not meeting people at work, it’s a good way to find a group of LGBTQ+ people with common interests! (And there's a whole bunch of virtual, online Meetup options available to people during this era of social distancing!)
A lot of people create dating profiles for the sole purpose of making friends, while others are open to new friendships and dates. State that you’re looking for friends in the first line of your profile. The dating app Her is geared toward lesbian, bi, queer, and trans women and non-binary people. OkCupid has the world’s greatest feature—"I don’t want to see or be seen by straight people." OkCupid focuses a lot on compatibility questions and a lengthy profile, and has a wide selection of options for gender and sexual orientation.
4.) Get out there with Empty Closets
Empty Closets is an online forum for ages 13 and up, with a chat room for members who apply. The forum covers a ton of topics, from entertainment and media to coming out later in life. I’m always a little iffy about chatting with people who are essentially anonymous in real life, so if you’re doing a virtual meet up from Empty Closets, add someone on Facebook or get some proof they are who they say they are first.
5.) For ages 13 to 24, try TrevorSpace
TrevorSpace is a monitored youth-friendly site where lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth ages 13 to 24 can connect with other young people throughout the world, and can get involved in their local LGBTQ+ communities.
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A few months ago, I was trying to find something to do on a Saturday night after my initial plans fell through. I scrolled through my recent texts to search for someone who lived in New York and didn’t work on weekends. On an average day, I text anywhere between 20 to 30 people. This always includes my mom and the staple friends in my life and the rest are filled with people I’m dating, various friends I don’t text every day, and exes.
On this particular night, I was really feeling the disparity between my overwhelming social life in Los Angeles and my getting-my-bearings social life in New York (Winter does not foster the growth of friendship). I came to a realization and immediately texted a friend: “I’ve been romantically involved with 15 of the last 20 people that I’ve texted.” Naturally, that person was an ex.
I try not to subscribe to cheap lesbian stereotypes – lesbian bed death , UHauling, excessive feelings – but I find that there is some truth to the idea that lesbians are always friends with their exes. Lesbians can be uncomfortably close to their exes, in fact. I know several lesbians who have ended up being roommates with their exes after the breakup. Three-year relationships end up as very close best friends. Girls confiding in their ex-girlfriends about their current relationship problems. Girls bridesmaiding in their ex-girlfriend’s wedding. For any straight couple to do that, you’d commend it as sophisticated and forward-thinking or speculate on whether the idea of a platonic friendship was a delusion. But, for any lesbian, this is commonplace, pretty non-threatening, and only occasionally messy.
I find myself in these situations pretty often. Here, “ex” is defined pretty loosely. I’m not a relationship person, so aside from three ex-girlfriends, ex means anything that resulted in significant feelings, from a couple dates and a lot of flirting, to bad attempts at casual hookups, to people that I actively dated for several months.
I’ve received strings of late night text messages from girls that have loved me asking for my help in interpreting mixed messages they’re getting from the person they are currently pursuing. I regularly meet with some exes for drinks or coffee. One of my exes is one of my closest friends and our friendship is sometimes more emotionally intimate than my actual relationships. She has consoled me through breakups, is often the first to read my writing, and is one of the first people that I bounce ideas or decisions off of. She’s one of my people and briefly dating gives us a greater understanding of the way we work. It fostered the friendship. Of my exes, I don’t even need one hand to count the ones I’ll probably never talk to again.
It happens all the time. Sometimes, the relationship immediately transitions from sexual to platonic and you hang out just as often, but without the romantic vibes. Sometimes, there’s a long gap of silence until you run into each other and reconcile. Other times, the communication is stale until someone starts thinking of reasons to talk to their ex again. You know, they forget that Yelp exists and instead text out of the blue asking for restaurant recommendations. I don’t even live in the city anymore and an ex-girlfriend will still ask if I know about anything cool going on in Downtown Los Angeles.
There is an obvious difference here between lesbians being friends with their exes and heterosexual people being friends with their exes. Where straight people ask if they can ever truly be friends with their exes, lesbians ask why they aren’t friends with a specific ex. If I meet a girl who is not friends with any of her exes, that’s a red flag.
There are a lot of explanations for this difference. The most obvious one being that people stay friends with their exes to keep tabs on their life. This is often motivated by competitiveness over who is winning the breakup and finding out who is dating someone new first or whose life completely unraveled, post-split. Regardless of the gender of the person you’re dating, breakups are always going to be a little petty and people always want to come out on top. Women already have an inclination towards these kinds of friendships. An ex is a frenemy. The kind of friend that you’re never sure if you’re actually friends with until they try to sabotage an entire arena tour by hiring a bunch of people out from under you and then you write a song about them with a video that features a bunch of your carefully curated female friends . The only difference is that this kind of frenemy is one that has also probably gone down on you.
I think that the idea of staying friends with someone to satisfy schadenfreude is becoming a thing of the past though. The need to maintain a friendship in order to know what is going on in someone’s life isn’t really necessary when you can keep tabs through various forms of social media. It’s also a lot easier to handle finding out that your ex has someone new when she posts a #WCW rather than having her tell you to your face over coffee sometime.
Another side of it is how society has historically encouraged the idea that male-female platonic relationships are not realistic. Even Buffy falls for Xander in the comic book series. Depictions of marriages show women only having female friends and men only having male friends. I’ve seen many women jump into heterosexual relationships and slowly lose their close male friendships. A quick search through Yahoo!
Answers and other advice areas show women or men freaking out and asking for advice when they see that their significant other got a text message from someone of the opposite sex. There is still a little bit of that antiquated gender social segregation. People in same-sex relationships can’t share the same paranoia.
Women are also more elastic when it comes to their same-sex friendships. This means we tend to be more forgiving. Women are socialized to express their feelings. We voca
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