Lesbian Couple Looking To Have A Baby

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For any couple, trying to build a family can be an overwhelming process. When you’re in a same-sex female relationship, there are some added factors to navigate. If you’ve been asking yourself, “How can lesbian couples have a baby?”, this is the blog for you. Thanks to assisted reproductive technology, several resources and various choices, you and your partner can decide which one works best for your family building goals.
This is a very good question. While some same-sex female couples would like to be parents, neither may either be interested or able physically to carry a child. If you want to know how can lesbian couples have a baby if they don’t want to physically be pregnant, there are two options that are available:
Adoption: Some same-sex female couples can apply to adopt through a local authority or adoption agency. There are typically three forms of adoption: Domestic, International or Foster care. You and your partner should do some research on your own to see which you feel would work best for you as a couple.
Surrogacy: Surrogacy is when a woman who in not genetically related to the child agrees to be a gestational carrier and carry a pregnancy for a couple or individual. This is typically supported by a legal contract agreement. The lesbian couple could either use an embryo created using one of their eggs through IVF or an embryo through donation.
If you’re interested in how can lesbian couples have a baby if one of them would like to experience pregnancy, below are the primary ways you can explore. Each does depend on your fertility health, age, and of course, what your reproductive endocrinologist would recommend. They are:
Artificial Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) with Donor Sperm: Artificial insemination is a form of assisted reproductive technology (ART) that uses sperm either from a known friend or partner or from a donor. A fertility doctor would use a very thin catheter, to insert sperm into the uterus of the woman intended to carry the child. IUI is less expensive and less invasive than In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) but also tends to have lower success rates.
Reciprocal In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) with Donor Sperm: When undergoing Reciprocal IVF, one partner provides eggs (ideally, this would be the younger/healthier partner to ensure higher egg quality), while the partner who is interested in being pregnant would carry and deliver the baby. Some couples prefer this because they feel it’s a more shared experience since both partners are actively involved. How it works is one of the partners goes through the IVF process, which entails taking hormone injections (approximately 10 – 14 days) to produce eggs. Then, her eggs are retrieved and fertilized with sperm (again, from an anonymous donor or a known contributor). The embryo would then be transferred to the other partner’s uterus in the hopes that it would implant in her uterine lining. If it did, this would mean a pregnancy is achieved. IVF is more expensive than IUI, but it does have higher success rates and allows the option for genetic testing. Also, should you or your doctor feel genetic testing such as Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD) or Pre-implantation Genetic Screening (PGS) is necessary on embryos prior to selecting one for transfer, you may choose to have embryo testing to see if your embryos contain an inherited genetic mutation that can result in disease or confirm that the embryo has a normal number of chromosomes.
In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) with Donor Eggs: Same-sex female couples are aware that they will need a sperm donor. This entails, as we mentioned with artificial insemination, either using a known donor, such as a friend, or going to a sperm bank. However, some also pursue using a donor egg. Sometimes, an individual or couple does not feel strongly about being genetically tied to their child, but one partner would like to have the experience of pregnancy. In other cases, both partners may have an egg quality issue either due to age or if one or both have a diagnosis of Diminished Ovarian Reserve or Premature Ovarian Failure. Whatever the reason, eggs can be donated from a friend or relative, but there are also donor egg banks (like sperm banks) where you can pursue that as an option should you be interested or if it is medically needed. The process would be similar to IVF in that donor sperm and donor eggs would be combined and any resulting embryos would then be transferred to the uterus of the partner who is willing and able to carry the pregnancy.
How Can Lesbian Couples Have a Baby?… but just not yet!
Egg Freezing or Frozen Embryos: Whether it’s freezing one partner (or even both partner’s eggs), using frozen donor eggs or going through an IVF cycle and having embryos frozen to use at a later date, egg freezing, or embryo freezing is an option of how can a lesbian couple have a baby down the line. Since the older you get, the more your fertility declines, it’s not a bad idea to preserve your fertility when it’s optimal. That way, when you are ready to be a parent, you have the option. The process of egg freezing is very similar to the beginning of the IVF process, when egg retrieval is performed. Once the eggs have been retrieved, they will not be fertilized, but instead will be frozen using a process called vitrification. Vitrification is a “fast freeze” that instantly preserves your eggs, thus reducing the chances of ice crystal formations on the egg and presenting less risk to the egg during the thawing process. Egg freezing at a younger age, years prior to when you plan to get pregnant, may decrease the likelihood of having embryos with chromosomal abnormalities. In the future, these eggs could be fertilized through IVF to get pregnant. There is also the option of fertilizing the eggs and freezing embryos to store for later use.
The biggest take away when you ask, “How Can Lesbian Couples Have a Baby…” is that they CAN. As we’ve seen, there’s adoption, surrogacy, donor sperm, donor eggs, insemination, IVF, egg freezing and embryo freezing. Plus, having genetic tests to help support your IVF outcomes and there are online resources that offer guidance and support you along your journey!
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Mary and her partner, Alison, have been together for 19 years and have two children. "We both knew we wanted kids when we got together," said Mary, "but how was that going to happen?" Same sex couples (as well as trans and non binary couples) face a menagerie of complications when it comes to having children, and those don't end with the finding of an egg or a sperm. For National Coming Out Day, Modern Fertility spoke with Mary about what at times felt like a gordian knot of having kids as a same sex couple, how she and her partner negotiated pregnancy, parenting and the truly unexpected, and what advice she has for queer folks considering creating a family with kids.
Modern Fertility: Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. What did the process of having kids look like for you and your partner?
Mary: Alison and I were going to a therapist when we lived in Portland (Oregon). She helped us work through a lot, including not having supportive families - my mom said to me at one point, "Well, you're gay, you shouldn't have kids." We also started thinking about the practicalities, constructing plans and back up plans, including adoption. We looked at adoption agencies, but there just wasn't one that felt right.
Around this time, there was an op/ed in the New York Times written by a think tank claiming that kids fathered by sperm donors were sad and broken, longing for "real" fathers, and it was just so devastating and cruel. I wrote a response, as did the director of the sperm bank we chose to work with.
Alison and I both wanted to carry a child - I'm 9 years older than she is, so I was definitely running out of time in terms of being able to pregnant, but my mom was dying, and I was having a hard time, so we decided that Alison would be the one to get pregnant first.
We each looked up donor profiles separately, picked our top 3, and ranked them. There was so much information available about the donors - I said to Alison, "I probably know more about their history than I know about yours." Ultimately, we picked the same top 3, in the same order! The donor we decided upon was someone who felt familiar, there was an instant comfort level. We chose a known donor, which means that our son can opt to meet him when he's 18, if he wants to.
The sperm bank started working with us a year before Alison even got pregnant on things like diet, exercise, charting her menstrual cycle. When the sperm arrived, the team was there to greet us at the hospital. After the implantation, we lay beside each other, our legs up in the air (even though only Alison underwent the procedure), holding hands, and thinking of a child. It took 3 times for Alison to successfully get pregnant with our son. That third time, she just had a feeling. And she was right.
I also wanted to get pregnant, and when we embarked on that, we followed the same procedure - ranking our top 3 donors, picking the same person again (a different donor this time). I was 40 when I got pregnant with our daughter. I was sick - I had trouble with sleep, I had preeclampsia, it was rough.
Modern Fertility: What resources and support networks did you lean on when you were going through all of this?
Mary: When we lived in Portland, we were part of a group for lesbians who were parenting or planning to parent that was just such a wonderful resource. It was a true celebration of parenting, and of different kinds of families.
It was important to us to be able to give our kids the option of meeting their donor and/or other children of that donor. I don't have much family left, and I want them to have access to medical information, and an extended family and community, should something happen to Alison or I, so the Donor Sibling Registry is a great thing to have access to.
Our sperm bank has also been wonderful about providing resources on how to talk to your child about this. We felt well prepared to have those conversations.
Modern Fertility: Finally, what advice would you give to other LGBTQIA folks who are thinking about having kids?
Mary: Find a therapist! Ours (she was also a lesbian) helped us think about so much - which of us wanted to be pregnant, what the plans would look like, why we wanted to be parents (make sure you really want kids!) how it would feel to have one child who looked exactly like one of us and not at all like the other. We also got a financial advisor, which was helpful when I needed to take time off during my pregnancy, and a lawyer. Have a plan in place for finding families who look like yours. The more you can anticipate, the better.
Do you know you want to have kids someday? Get educated about your fertility right now! Modern Fertility wants you to have the information you need to plan your future.
Chanel's writing has appeared in Cosmo, Rewire, Lilith, HelloFlo, & Extra Crispy. She has an MFA in Fiction from Vermont College of Fine Arts & lives in New York. Follow her @chaneldubofsky.
This is a space for us to talk about health, fertility, careers, and more. All people with ovaries are welcome (including trans and non-binary folks!).
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