Lesbian After

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Lesbian After
What I Learned After Coming Out As A Lesbian Later In Life
By Mary Malia — Written on Dec 15, 2020
I'm a late bloomer and came out as a lesbian late in life.
When it comes to major life accomplishments, I've always been a late bloomer. I definitely was late to lesbian life and gay girl dating . But when I came out, it was a fresh start and I was full of faith and hope that I would find love.
It has been quite an adventure coming out later in life. I want to share a little about my own coming out story and a very big "ah-ha" moment that changed my approach to "being out."
I always knew I was attracted to girls but was never able to make a love connection with a girl. Finally, I decided I could and would make it work with a guy.
Let me also include the fact that I grew up in an Irish-Catholic family with all the assorted craziness of alcoholism, abuse, and neglect that you've read about in the epic Irish tales like Frank McCourt's book, Angela's Ashes . I felt like I finally understood so much about my father when I read that book.
That's another story, but you get my whole "Irish-Catholic guilt, going to hell, God is a mean man with a big stick and I'm a bad girl" story. Enough said. 
Compared to friends, I married late, at 26 years old. I also had kids late in the game at 27 and 38 years old.
I started college right out of high school but didn't have the emotional stamina or a personal vision to help me see it as something I should stick with at that time in my life. I quit after a couple of years and focused on "doing what I want."
Going back to school at 40 years old to finish up my Bachelor's degree isn't so unusual these days. I'm glad I finally did it. It changed the entire direction of my professional and personal life.
How's that? While finishing college in my 40s, I started to meet some amazing lesbians and I could no longer deny who and what I was. 
I was also finally in a position where I realized that I would be able to support myself and my young daughter on my own. Not being able to support my kids on my own was honestly something that had scared me for a long time and had kept me married.
All of this is to make the simple point and to say that we all have our coming out stories, and then we have our "being out" story — that particularly sweet and often bitter period when we are first exploring what it means to date women, love women and make love to women.
If you're seeing a really good therapist, she is telling you things like go slow in dating lesbians, don't change what doesn't need to be changed in this period, important dating tips, and the big one: you're like a 14-year-old learning to date gay girls.
It took me getting to therapist number three to get this important bit of information. I was shocked, to say the least. "Damn, you're kidding," I thought. I'm over 40. Yikes! Fourteen in lesbian years sounded awful.
This meant I was still way behind the curve, terribly immature, and with all kinds of pent up feelings and desires. How was I ever going to conquer lesbian dating? How can this be? Well it is this way, isn't it?
This is a hard lesson for late-comers to the "gay girl party." You can't fake the experiences you haven't had. Sure you can try, but often we stink at it, or let me say, I stunk at it. Holy cow, I sure did.
You know the story about learning to ride a bike: You never forget. You might need to work on balance if you hop on a bike after not riding for many years, but the mechanics of it come back immediately. Your muscles and your brain neurons remember and fire off the commands you need to get the bike moving.
Well, if your dating experience includes only guys, guess what? You have no muscles or neurons that know how to date gay women. 
You're going to have to grow those neurons and develop those muscles, and it's gonna get messy now and again. Guys are pretty simple creatures when you compare them to women.
The amount of drama I created for myself was astounding because I didn't understand this whole repeating adolescence piece.
I HATED my early teen years. I hated the sense of awkwardness and not knowing how to relate to the boys I wanted to date or the girls I wanted to kiss. I hated the competition to be liked and be part of the "cool clique." I hated not knowing what to wear or how to fix my hair.
My early school years were spent at Catholic schools wearing uniforms. Then, in middle school, I had to wear "regular" clothes every day.
And what the hell does a lesbian wear? I know I swung through all those old adolescent fears in my first few years of being out . Some of my feeling crazy in those first years out was my own doing.
My excitement at coming out later in life, finally dating women, having an intimate relationship, and being visible in the lesbian community meant that I made some pretty poor choices. I also made some really great choices and had some amazing experiences.
Everything was new and I was letting myself feel things I'd been denying myself for years.
I loved going to the local lesbian bar. It was a seedy little place with a pool table, an outdoor smoking area with a large dead tree in the middle of it, and the tiniest bathroom stalls you've ever tried to squat in. But it was the only place in the city that was strictly for gay girls. Nirvana! At least for a little while.
Just openly watching women was exciting. Come on, you do remember that, right? Especially when it was a room full of gay girls dancing, mingling and romancing.
That's part of the adolescent experience.
I was clueless to all the drama that was being played out all around me at the time. I was totally in the high of finally being out and open in this environment. It felt amazing.
Along with the bar scene and trying to figure out how to pick up women, I was also living on my own with my daughter. I moved out of the house I owned with my husband at the time. I didn't want it.
I felt myself drowning in that married with children life and all I wanted was to be free, to live honestly and openly as a lesbian, and raise my daughter as my true self. My son was almost done high school and decided to stay with his dad.
The good of being openly lesbian had some pretty tough and painful lessons attached to it, and my relationship with my son was one of them.
 The adolescent lesbian in me held on to the excitement of this new life, but the mom in me had a lot of heartbreak about my son and his reactions to my coming out and leaving his dad. I'm grateful that he and I have patched up our relationship over the years.
Oh, I should also say that I did the leaving part while not being in a committed relationship with a woman. Now, that first relationship came pretty quick, but my decision to leave my marriage was based on coming out to myself and deciding that I could no longer deny who I was.
Repeating my adolescence as a lesbian included learning how to live and relate as a lesbian in a relationship. It was tough, confusing and a mix of sweet and sour.
Women who come out in their youth often have little patience for women who've come out later in life. I can respect that now that I've become a little older in lesbian years.
This adolescent thing we go through is important stuff to understand. I feel like I'm finally on the other side of it after 10 years of being out.
That would make me about 25 in lesbian years. That's progress, right? 
Mary Malia is known as the Gay Girl's dating coach. Visit her website if you're ready to jump into the lesbian dating world. 
This article was originally published at Gay Girl Dating Coach . Reprinted with permission from the author.
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By
Mila Jaroniec ,
September 7th 2011



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If you’re a veteran lesbian, chances are you’ve been in at least one long term relationship with a girl. You may have noticed that it was scary and difficult. However, if you are new to the scene and curious about the future, here is a list of things you can expect to find yourself experiencing once you trap the lady love of your life.
Prepare to be constantly tipsy. In your new relationship, you will feel joyously carefree and adopt a devil-may-care attitude, which will make every day with your girlfriend seem like a mini celebration. Going on an autumn walk? Wine in a traveling cup. She just got out of her linguistics final? Shots! You got off work at midnight instead of 2:00 a.m.? A house call with cheap vodka and champagne is in order. You’re so excited to be together you make every day a party, even if it’s a Tuesday afternoon and you have papers to write.
Get ready for an onslaught of feelings, girls! You will find new and interesting reasons to be emotional, and therefore take crying to new levels. Cry because she’s the one. Cry because you’re not sure she’s the one. Cry because you’re drunk and her smile is so beautiful. Cry because she’s the only person who understands you. Cry because even after four months, she still doesn’t fully understand you. Cry because she’s fucking you too hard but you don’t want to ruin the moment. Cry because she’s crying. Really, the possibilities are endless.
Face it – once you get into a serious lesbian relationship, you will never sleep again. The hours you used to spend sleeping will suddenly be filled with one or more of these: passionate sex, mechanical sex, drunk sex, half-assed sex, angry sex, or a screaming fight about not having sex, followed by pity sex and a faked orgasm (which you don’t normally do, but damn it, you’re really tired).
Of the horizontal variety. In a relationship, it is almost guaranteed that you will get fat and happy. You will lie contentedly in her arms on your plush couch among your eclectic throw pillows and reflect on how lucky you are. You will order in and eat out. In a spirit of domestic goddess-osity, you will attempt to cook dinner from scratch, which will of course result in half the kitchen on fire and subsequent takeout from the Chinese bistro down the street. You won’t mind. You’re in love.
Enjoy your savings now, because once you get a girlfriend, they will disappear. Bar tabs, vacations, birthday/Christmas/anniversary/Fourth of July presents, decadent seven-course dinners, her car payment, that $245 pair of jeans you impulsively bought because they looked cute on her and she needed cheering up, etc. will chew up and spit out your bank account. You will need to apply for a new credit card just to be able to afford Valentine’s Day.
Look, at some point you are going to have to finger-bang your girlfriend. And unless you’re perfectly ambidextrous (or at least ambi-competent), you’re going to be using your dominant hand. Hours of finger-banging will cause your tendons to become extremely flexible and your forearm to exhibit muscle tone you never thought possible. Plus, if she likes it rough, you’ll also develop quite an impressive bicep. Of course, after you break up you’ll start lifting regularly to even out your two different arms, but one will always be slightly larger. Damn it.
It is also likely that, at some point, you will get out-of-proportion upset over a passive-aggressive text or short, stroppy phone call, and in a flash of rage you’ll decide you’re done with her shit and hurl the phone across the room, at the ceiling, or into moving traffic. You will later send her a Facebook message telling her that you lost your phone, you’re sorry for ignoring her calls, and you’ll be home for dinner.
Your laid-back nature will suddenly give way to irrational paranoia and gnawing self-doubt. You will begin to worry constantly, about everything: what she’s doing when she doesn’t answer your texts (even though you know she’s in for the night), what she meant when she said “I really need to concentrate on my work right now,” and why it’s 2:30 a.m. and she isn’t back from that “talk” with her ex yet. You will question everything – yourself, your relationship, your life choices, whether you’re even gay – and freak out accordingly
In addition to worrying about everything, you will start apologizing for everything. Or, alternately, you will never apologize, and be the one to stomp off in a huff in the middle of an argument even when you’re wrong.
When you’re in love, you’re invincible. Nothing can touch you. The world can go to hell in a hand basket; you share a heartbeat and that’s all that matters. There’s nothing to worry about anymore – you’re safe. You’re warm. Protected. You’ve made a home in each other’s arms and hearts and you’re facing the future fearlessly, together, head-on. That is, of course, until she finds an unread message with one too many smiley faces in your inbox from some hot girl. Suddenly, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do.
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Why it's never too late to be a lesbian
More and more women are discovering after years of marriage to men, and having had children, that they are lesbians. Were they always – or is sexuality more fluid?
More and wore women are coming out as lesbians late in life. Photograph: Image Source / Rex Features
Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning
© 2022 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. (modern)
F or Carren Strock, the revelation came when she was 44. She had met her husband – "a terrific guy, very sweet" – at high school when she was 16, had been married to him for 25 years, had two dearly loved children, and what she describes as a "white-picket-fence existence" in New York. Then, one day, sitting opposite her best friend, she realised: "Oh my God. I'm in love with this woman." The notion that she might be a lesbian had never occurred to her before. "If you'd asked me the previous year," she says, "I would have replied: 'I know exactly who and what I am – I am not a lesbian, nor could I ever be one.'"
From that moment Strock's understanding of her sexuality changed completely. She felt compelled to tell her friend, but her attraction wasn't reciprocated; at first she wasn't sure whether she had feelings for women in general, or just this one in particular. But she gradually came to realise, and accept, that she was a lesbian. She also started to realise that her experience wasn't unusual.
Strock decided to interview other married women who had fallen in love with women, "putting up fliers in theatres and bookstores. Women started contacting me from across the country – everyone knew someone who knew someone in this situation." The interviews became a book, Married Women Who Love Women, and when it came to writing the second edition, Strock turned to the internet for interviewees. "Within days," she says, "more women had contacted me than I could ever actually speak to."
Late-blooming lesbians – women who discover or declare same-sex feelings in their 30s and beyond – have attracted increasing attention over the last few years, partly due to the clutch of glamorous, high-profile women who have come out after heterosexual relationships. Cynthia Nixon , for instance, who plays Miranda in Sex and the City, was in a heterosexual relationship for 15 years, and had two children, before falling for her current partner, Christine Marinoni, in 2004. Last year, it was reported that the British singer Alison Goldfrapp , who is in her mid-40s, had started a relationship with film editor Lisa Gunning. The actor Portia de Rossi was married to a man before coming out and falling in love with the comedian and talkshow host, Ellen DeGeneres , whom she married in 2008. And then there's the British retail adviser and television star, Mary Portas , who was married to a man for 13 years, and had two children, before getting together with Melanie Rickey , the fashion-editor-at-large of Grazia magazine. At their civil partnership earlier this year the pair beamed for the cameras in beautiful, custom-made Antonio Berardi dresses.
The subject has now begun attracting academic attention. Next month at the American Psychological Association's annual convention in San Diego, a session entitled Sexual Fluidity and Late-Blooming Lesbians is due to showcase a range of research, including a study by Christan Moran, who decided to look at the lives of women who had experienced a same-sex attraction when they were over 30 and married to a man. Moran is a researcher at Southern Connecticut University, and her study was prompted in part by an anguished comment she found on an online message board for married lesbians, written by someone who styled herself "Crazy".
"I don't understand why I can't do the right thing," she wrote. "I don't understand why I can't make myself stop thinking about this other woman." Moran wanted to survey a range of women in this situation, "to help Crazy, and others like her, see that they are not abnormal, or wrong to find themselves attracted to other women later in life".
She also wanted to explore the notion, she writes, that "a heterosexual woman might make a full transition to a singular lesbian identity . . . In other words, they might actually change their sexual orientation." As Moran notes in her study, this possibility is often ignored; when a person comes out in later life, the accepted wisdom tends to be that they must always have been gay or bisexual, but just hid or repressed their feelings. Increasingly researchers are questioning this, and investigating whether sexuality is more fluid and shifting than is often suspected.
Sarah Spelling, a former teacher, says she can well understand how "you can slide or slip or move into another identity". After growing up in a family of seven children in Birmingham, Spelling met her first serious partner, a man, when she was at university. They were together for 12 years, in which time they were "fully on, sexually," she says, although she adds that she has never had an orgasm with a man through penetrative sex.
Spelling is a keen feminist and sportsperson, and met lesbian friends through both of these interests. "I didn't associate myself with their [sexuality] – I didn't see myself as a lesbian, but very clearly as a heterosexual in a longstanding relationship." When a friend on her hockey team made it clear she fancied her, "and thought I would fancy her too, I was like 'No! That's not me!' That just wasn't on my compass." Then, aged 34, having split up with her long-term partner, and in another relationship with a man, she found herself falling in love with her housemate – a woman. After "lots of talking together, over a year or so," they formed a relationship. "It was a meeting of minds," says Spelling, "a meeting of interests. She's a keen walker. So am I. She runs. So do I. We had lots in common, and eventually I realised I didn't have that with men." While having sex with a man had never felt uncomfortable or wrong, it wasn't as pleasurable as having sex with a woman, she says. From the start of the relationship, she f
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