Laura Porn

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Laura Porn




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Trigger Warning: This discussion includes frank, explicit, discussions about pornographic content, suicide ideation, and abuse that may be triggering to some. Listener discretion is advised.
Laura grew up in a small town in Pennsylvania but had a challenging childhood. She experienced childhood neglect, and from a young age, porn was normalized in her life. Her warped understanding of love led her to seek out validation from men, which eventually led to her working in the porn industry. During this conversation, podcast host Garrett Jonsson talked with her about her misconceptions about the porn industry, how her time in the porn industry negatively impacted her, and what she’s up to today since leaving porn.
Laura: I dunno, I just had like an unsettling feeling about it. And I remember the one girl saying to me, I had braces at the time, and I remember her saying that she wished that she had braces and that I should, you know, play off of that, you know, get fake glasses, put pigtails in my hair and, you know, make myself look younger because I would make more money if I looked younger than what I was. And I was 25 at the time. So I was like, “What do you mean by younger?” Um, and then when I realized it was like, “Oh my gosh, they mean like underaged, underaged girls.” Um, that was very uncomfortable for me.
Garrett Jonsson: Laura, I just want to say thanks for joining us today.
Garrett Jonsson: I think it’s always good to kind of know who you are today. And so I’m wondering if you can talk to like what life looks like for you these days before we jump into your personal account.
Laura: I dunno, I just had like an unsettling feeling about it. And I remember the one girl saying to me, I had braces at the time, and I remember her saying that she wished that she had braces and that I should, you know, play off of that, you know, get fake glasses, put pigtails in my hair and, you know, make myself look younger because I would make more money if I looked younger than what I was. And I was 25 at the time. So I was like, “What do you mean by younger?” Um, and then when I realized it was like, “Oh my gosh, they mean like underaged, underaged girls.” Um, that was very uncomfortable for me.
Garrett Jonsson: Laura, I just want to say thanks for joining us today.
Garrett Jonsson: I think it’s always good to kind of know who you are today. And so I’m wondering if you can talk to like what life looks like for you these days before we jump into your personal account.
Laura: Sure, absolutely. Um, well I grew up in a small town in _____ county, Pennsylvania. Um, I work full time at a local family owned company as a front office secretary, and I really enjoy my job, my dad and my brother also work there. So it’s kind of neat that I get to see them on a daily basis.
Laura: Um, yeah, it is. And cause I didn’t, I wasn’t close really with either of them growing up. So, um, it’s neat to have that extra connection with them now. And if you would’ve told me five years ago that I would be working, um, with my dad, I never would’ve believed you
Laura: Um, yeah. So just the fact that we’re able to work together and stuff is, um, is really neat, but…
Garrett Jonsson: I’m sure at some point we’ll talk more about that to like contextualize what you mean by that.
Laura: Right? Yeah. It’s we joke about it all the time. It’s it’s funny.
Garrett Jonsson: That’s awesome. Well, can we get a little bit more context as to what life was like growing up for you, like jumping back to your childhood and adolescence?
Laura: Yeah. Um, so I don’t really remember a lot of my childhood. Um, I’m guessing it’s just because I didn’t really have that great of a childhood. So I blocked a lot of that out. Um, mainly my relationship with my dad was not good. I grew up watching him be very verbal and emotionally abusive towards my mom and my siblings were, so my sisters five years younger than me and then my brothers five years younger than her. So, okay. I had five years of, um, my mom and my dad to myself and I feel like those were the years that things were the worst. Um, just cuz my dad had a temper that he didn’t know how to really express in a healthy manner. So it would filter out into my mom and then as I would get, as I got older, um, it filtered out onto me then. So, um, yeah, I hate to say it, but my childhood was not that great.
Garrett Jonsson: Well, that’s, it’s sad because I’m a person, you know, I believe that every kid deserves to have a healthy childhood, and the reality is that that’s just not the case because of the, of the world we live in. Like we all, we aren’t all that fortunate.
Laura: Right? Yeah. I was never daddy’s little girl or um, you know, never felt like a princess. And I think in school, growing up, I kind of had, um, a struggle with jealousy of girls that did have that close relationship with their dad. Cuz I didn’t have that in. Yeah. I have no idea what that looked like. So that was hard.
Garrett Jonsson: Yeah. I’m sure that you longed for that.
Garrett Jonsson: Do you want to talk to like your mother being in the picture or out of the picture? Like what was your relationship like with her during those years?
Laura: Yeah, so I mean growing up, um, my relationship with my mom was good until I got into my teenage years. That’s kind of when I really started to rebel a little bit, um, cuz my sister and my brother were in the picture at the time and um, I kind of felt like they didn’t have like, they had a better childhood than I did because my dad at that point was at a little bit of a better place.
Laura: So the things that I experienced growing up, I feel like they didn’t really get to experience at the same level that I did. So there was a lot of jealousy there. Um, so I mean things, my relationship with my mom wasn’t bad, but I wouldn’t say that it was really good either just because I had caused, um, like I had put up a wall and pushed myself away. Uh, just because of the things, the choices that I was making with the circle of friends I was involved in and the guys that I was interested in and um, just really struggled with depression, and anxiety and things like that throughout my adolescence. And didn’t feel like my family understood that. Um, and I didn’t see like my sister and my brother struggling with any of those things. And so it just kind of made me feel like an outsider in my family growing up.
Garrett Jonsson: Shoot. That’s so tough.
Garrett Jonsson: Whenever I hear about a person experiencing childhood neglect, um, I always have to ask them if they’ve read the book Running On Empty.
Garrett Jonsson: Oh, okay. I don’t know if you’re interested in reading, but as a person who did experience childhood neglect, you should definitely look at that book. It’s, it’s called Running On Empty. It just emphasizes like how important those years are and if the child doesn’t get the connections and comfort and love that they need, it can be very, very impactful, kinda like what you’re talking about. Like you were experiencing depression, and anxiety.
Garrett Jonsson: and you know, there, there is a correlation there between your experience with childhood neglect and those feelings.
Laura: Yeah. Yeah. It’s tough, but it’s helped me also be more sensitive to, um, like younger people that I know that have gone through stuff like that. Um, cuz if you talk to someone that hasn’t gone through, things like that, they can’t really relate. So yeah. Um, I mean, that’s be neat to be able to speak into other people’s lives that have gone through it where I’ve, you know, been through it and have healed from it and things like that. So,
Garrett Jonsson: Well, that’s a, that’s a beautiful thing. That’s really, really cool. Well, I’m kind of curious like how that relationship, or I guess lack of a relationship with your dad affected your choices as you went into your adolescence and like started dating and that, those types of more romantic relationships, like how did that negatively impact you in that way?
Laura: Yeah. Um, well, since I didn’t really have any kind of a standard or rule model as to what, um, I should be looking for in a guy, I kind of just attached myself to anybody that gave me attention, which obviously is never a good thing. It doesn’t end up being the good guys that you end up with when you, um, go off of a system like that. Um, and I always felt like I needed to have some type of relationship with a guy in order to feel beautiful or wanted or loved. Um, I mean I knew that my dad loved me, but I didn’t feel that he did.
Laura: Um, so yeah, I can’t remember a time growing up where I didn’t have a boyfriend and they were never, um, like it was never anything solid. It was all superficial. So…
Garrett Jonsson: Right. At what point did, this is kind of like a, an abrupt pivot, but like at what point did you get exposed to pornography?
Laura: Um, so in middle school, um, it was kind of just like a thing. One of my girlfriends, her dad had, um, a DVD of porn and we were curious and um, there was just more of like a curiosity thing. We knew people were watching it. Um, at that age that’s when we start talking about things and knew all the guys were watching it and didn’t really think it was a big deal and just kind of expose ourselves to it in that way. But it was just like, “Okay, that’s it.” But didn’t really think twice about it right at that point. So…
Garrett Jonsson: Just for context, like at what age did you for, were you first exposed, like in this scenario with the DVD and your friend?
Laura: Um, I wanna say it was probably eighth grade.
Garrett Jonsson: Okay. One of the common misconceptions about pornography consumption is that it’s only a guy thing.
Garrett Jonsson: And so it’s, it’s always good to have people who, women who have been exposed to pornography at an early age, so that we like the listeners and we, as individuals in the world can understand like pornography does not discriminate. It doesn’t matter…
Garrett Jonsson: … what gender you are or aren’t or what religion you are aren’t or political affiliation. Like none of those things matter, we can all be affected.
Garrett Jonsson: How did that first time exposure impact you?
Laura: Um, I mean, at that point it didn’t really phase me at all. I just thought it was something that everybody was exposed to at some point in their life. And if they wanted to continue watching it, I mean, I did think it was more like “a guy thing”, um, to like watch it continuously. Um, but it didn’t really, I just didn’t think it was a big deal.
Laura: Um, it was just, like I said, it was just outta curiosity and we were like, oh, what’s, you know, all the fuss about it. And that was, it really didn’t really think anything of it past then.
Did your porn consumption escalate from there? Like at what point did you start turning to, did you ever, I should say, I don’t wanna assume. Did you ever start turning to pornography? Um, on a personal level?
Garrett Jonsson: Okay. And the normalization of pornography, you’ve kind of talked to that, like how it was normalized amongst your peers and it was a thing out of curiosity, I’m just wondering like how that impacted you? Um, like did it negatively impact your, you know, self image or your views of what healthy sex is?
Laura: So I didn’t really cuz my parents were really strict, so there wasn’t much that I could do that I could get away with .
Laura: So I think that actually protected me a lot from scenarios that I could have gotten myself involved in. Um, that would not have been good. Whereas all of my friends, you know, were already, um, sexually active and you know, would talk about their experiences and they would talk about, you know, “Oh yeah. You know, we watch porn porn was so and so, and we tried this and did that.” and I mean, I couldn’t relate because I hadn’t like I wasn’t involved in the same things that they were so…
Laura: But I did feel like in my relationships they would only go so far. Um, because I wouldn’t do those things with guys. So then once they knew that they couldn’t get that from me, then they, the relationship would be over.
Garrett Jonsson: Oh, okay. How did that negatively impact you? Like the fact that you would have these relationships, but then when the guy realized that it wasn’t going to progress to sex, um, like, and then they would bail, like how did that impact you?
Laura: Um, it made me feel like there was something wrong with me and it was frustrating because I felt like I was behind every one of my friends was doing it and was in these intimate relationships. And I just felt like I was missing out on something. And um, at that point I still didn’t have a great relationship with my dad. So I still didn’t have that, you know, male figure in my life. And it was just frustrating that I felt the only way that I could get that is if I did have sex, but I just, I don’t know why I didn’t, but I just, I never did until I, yeah. Until I was 21 and I regret it.
Garrett Jonsson: It’s kind of interesting because in your personal account, your personal on a personal level, your porn consumption didn’t escalate from your first time exposure, but you were negatively impacted by like porn culture. It sounds like, right. Because your peers were consuming porn and they had this expectation mm-hmm and when, and then negatively impacted your relationships, it sounds like.
Garrett Jonsson: At what point did you begin to realize that porn consumption can disrupt, like we’re talking about romantic relationships, like at what point did you realize that pornography consumption can disrupt couple intimacy or relationship harmony?
Laura: So, um, my last relationship was back in 2010, 2011, um, somewhere around that area, um, that timeframe and, um, the guy that I was dating at the time was very involved in the adult entertainment industry. Um, and it was in that relationship that I was really exposed to porn on like all levels. And, um, I also got to see like the other side of the camera, not just what people view when they go on a website or watch like a video or a movie. Um,
Garrett Jonsson: So he was like in production?
Laura: No, he, so there, um, is an adult website community that you can create your own like member profile.
Laura: And you can either pay for it if you wanna be a model. Um, or you can just like create one and talk to the models that are on this website.
Laura: And he had a profile where he would like connect with these models and like have, um, like internet relationships with them, I guess you would say.
Laura: And so he exposed or introduced me to that when we were dating. And, um, that was kind of the turning point for me when I realized, um, that porn is more than just two people having sex for entertainment.
Garrett Jonsson: Yeah. And one thing that’s kind of tough about the current porn landscape, like what’s currently happening today is that, is that like what you’re referring to, like user generated content facilitates exploitation at an even greater level.
Laura: Mhm Absolutely. And I don’t think people realize like, um, so he had encouraged me to create a profile. Um, and I was a little hesitant at first because it was all new to me, but then he kept talking about it and I was reverting back to, “Well, if I don’t do this, then I’m probably going to lose him and I don’t want that to happen.”
Laura: Um, so against my better judgment, I created a, a profile, a paid one. Um, so I was not like an official model, but I was still putting content up on this website for other people to see. And, um, that was kind of like, even just like hearing myself say that , it’s still hard for me to grasp that I even was involved in anything. But, um, yeah, that was kind of like my first step into seeing what really goes on behind the camera.
Do you speculate that your boyfriend at the time kind of coerced you into it? Because if you look at the definition of coercion it’s to persuade using threat and you kind of, you kind of expressed just barely how like the relationship was progressing and you kind of were scared that it would end if you didn’t create a profile
Garrett Jonsson: Like, do you think he intentionally like coerced you into it?
Laura: Um, I don’t think so. Um, I mean, I do think that for him, it was maybe like a pride thing. Like, “Oh, I have a girlfriend who’s, you know, a model on this website.”, you know, but I don’t think it was like a, like a power thing. Um, I think if I wouldn’t have done it, we, he would’ve been okay. But like, in my mind, because of my insecurities, I was thinking that we wouldn’t be okay if I didn’t.
Garrett Jonsson: Yeah. It’s almost like because of your past relationships, you had been conditioned to think that if you didn’t, then it would end.
Garrett Jonsson: So that’s when you began to realize that it can disrupt couple intimacy and relationship harmony. Did you immediately, after creating the profile, did you immediately start to realize that it was disrupting those things?
Laura: Not at first? Um, it was a very slow realization, um, because when I first created the profile, um, I was also curious myself because I had this preconceived notion that these girls that were involved in porn and the adult entertainment industry that they were there, just because they really enjoyed having sex
Laura: That they didn’t care that people, um, were watching them or, you know, posting, um, you know, new, you know, pictures, um, that they were just very confident and you know, very into their feminism. And I was curious about that, um, because I struggled with self-esteem and thought, “Well, maybe this will help me feel more confident.” Um, and then when I started making connections with these girls and actually became really good friends with two of them, I quickly realized then that that’s actually not the case. Um, pretty much every single girl that I connected with on that website was struggling with something.
Garrett Jonsson: We want to be loyal to the absent, and we don’t want any, you know, specific details, but like, when you say that they were struggling with something, can you be a little bit more specific? Like, was there a common trend, was it kind of similar to what you experienced, where it was childhood neglect of some sort or abuse or…
Laura: Yeah. Yeah. A lot of ’em, um, didn’t have fathers growing up, um, or were abused physically or sexually, um, by a family member or a friend or somebody else. A lot of them struggled with depression, anxiety, um, suicidal thoughts. Um, the one girl that I had become really good friends with, she had been in the hospital multiple times for trying to commit suicide. Um, so yeah, these weren’t confident women. Like I originally thought
Garrett Jonsson: Yeah, that’s a common misconception. We hear people say, you know, “People in the porn industry are there because they have a higher sex drive.”
Garrett Jonsson: And it sounds like that wasn’t your experience.
Garrett Jonsson: Well, going back to like the time that you create the profile, you talked about how that was surprising to you. Like you almost couldn’t believe that you made the profile. What about like the first time you produced porn? How did that impact you? Like, what was that experience like?
Laura: Um, it was weird and I feel like I kind of blocked a lot of it out, so I’m gonna try and, um, I guess explain it the best way that I can. I, I mean, I just remember, um, doing a lot of blog posts at first, just to kind of get interaction from people. And then I would post, um, kind of, you know, like half nude, half, not, I don’t know if that makes sense, but, um, you know, and kind of like eased into it. And then, um, my ex and I had actually had a fight and I was just really emotional and just kind of we
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