Last thoughts

[Mention of death!, suicide!]
перевод от: @Sakura_Ame

When C00lkidd appeared, Seven’s life changed. It became more… Conscious? Kind of.

He had never thought about the future. He lived for today, lived like there’s no tomorrow, like there’s nothing to regret. But he still had regrets about the suffering that he caused to others, about something he held dear and couldn’t save. He tried not to care about that, destroying his life with hacking and bad habits. He drowned his own feelings again and again, teetering on the edge of death.

He had no reason to live, so he decided to exist. If you have nothing to lose, you can go all in, feeling how adrenaline flows through your veins and the imminent end tastes like bitter blood on the tip of the tongue.

But it couldn’t last forever. You can get used to it quickly and it loses the same addicting effect — both this crazy high and this unforgettable extreme. Without it life becomes colorless and familiar. The only solution was raising the stakes, but he didn’t have the intention to do it. So he didn’t know what to do. Without the chaos he felt numb and ordinary. Yet he couldn’t go on like that anymore. Otherwise it would be his inevitable end.

But it seemed like the universe heard him. One day on the porch a woven basket appeared with documents and a note requesting the adoption of the baby. It was crazy, yet it was the craziness that 007n7 loved. So he agreed.

Who knew it would become his beginning and his end.

Slowly his personality changed. He noticed new colors in his previously gray life. What was boring before, became calm and enjoyable. What was okay before, became something he’ll never do again.

C00lgui was moved far away. Instead of a lot of garbage bags his home was filled with the aroma of fresh food and toys that were always lying around. He changed his leather jacket for a dark coat. T-shirts with memes were used only as pajamas. He started to prefer plain shirts. He accepted himself. He accepted that he doesn’t stand out in the crowd in the mall while he’s picking what to eat for dinner. He accepted that no one cares about him except his newly minted son.

He understood that if he didn’t need his life, he could give it to someone else. To his son who wasn’t accepted by society just like him, who was rejected from the moment he was born. And Seven, someone who’s hated and cursed, was gonna give to his son everything he had. Everything his son ever wanted or would want. Especially a happy childhood. That’s what he thought. That’s what he wanted.

Him from the past probably won’t believe that him of the present would prefer quiet walks, a normal job, and calm weekends over familiar hacking, chaos or parties.

He worked tirelessly. He wanted to give to his son everything he could. Toys, attention, clubs. He watched cartoons about ponies with him. Before sleep, he read him a thick encyclopedia about dinosaurs. He praised his son for clumsy drawings and crafts, hanging them on the fridge in a frame. 007n7 couldn’t hold back a smile, while looking at them.

Also, Seven almost never scolded his child, something he regrets a little. C00lkidd was a rogue. An energetic and lively child, who was trying to make everyone pay attention to him and become his friend. 07 knew it would be trouble in the future, but still wanted to deal with it.

He feels sorry about only one thing. He didn’t become an exemplary father. No matter how he tried… He didn’t. How could he forget… He always loses what he holds dear.

He didn’t eat. He walked around the town, carefully searching for his son. He contacted the police. More than once or twice. He couldn’t just wait! He called for him, shouting his son’s name. Previous two days the town has been completely walked throughout. He didn’t sleep at all. He couldn’t stop seeing the silhouette. Maybe C00lkidd just wanted to play hide-and-seek like he loved? Oh God, Seven was hoping for it.

He kept searching day after day, looking like a restless ghost. He didn’t have the strength to scream. He had lost his voice a long time ago. He saw his son’s face everywhere, especially on wanted posters. They looked at him with a heavy gaze, as if spying on him. His fingers hurt from the glue that stuck while he was trying to hang as many wanted posters as he could.

Months passed. He was just sitting in the corridor next to the home phone, waiting for a call. He didn’t cry, didn’t sleep. His gaze dimmed, voice became quiet.

Yet, he still had hope and he lived. He ate, drank, cooked and went out searching. He didn’t talk to anyone, quit his job. He existed, waiting only for one call. And finally, this day came. But surely not how 007n7 expected it.

The huge gray building. He’s here. He’s walking through the hallways, scared of the sound of his own footsteps echoing in the empty corridor. The police officer’s walking next to him, suspiciously silent. Probably understanding his pain. They go down into the damp basement. Seven steps in the bright room and sees the gurney. Doctor lifts the sheet and…

Hell no!.. No, no, no…

He falls on his knees. His body is shaking, his nose is tingling. He can’t say a word. A lump is stuck in his throat, interfering with breathing. He starts to choke and wheeze.

His… His little boy…

Hands are shaking uncontrollably. He takes a little red hand in his. It has become stiff and cold. Gangrene has begun to appear on the skin. His son… Seven presses his forehead against the hand that held him back such a short time ago. He remembers the warmth of it when his son took his hand to show him ducks on the lake or ask him to buy cotton candy. But… Now… He folds in half, hiding his face in his knees.

People who were standing nearby, didn’t touch him, letting him pull himself together. After a while, the doctor finally covered the child’s dead body with the sheet.

He didn’t believe this was real. No… NO!.. This couldn’t happen… It’s just a nightmare. He’s gonna wake up, go down the stairs and see his son who woke up early to watch TV.

But… He’ll never hear his laugh again, never ruffle his hair, never ever listen to him talk about cartoons he had watched that day.

He won’t be able to see him start college or university. He won’t be able to see his wedding. Because…

Just a small coffin in a big hole that being filled with earth and dirt. Seven’s just standing there. Heavy drops of rain fall, but he doesn’t care. He is soaked to the bone, but he doesn’t feel cold. He’s still standing next to the gravestone.

He doesn’t remember how he got home. As soon as he crossed the threshold, he fell. He didn’t have the strength even to breathe. Still, he tried to calm down, but a new wave of pain and despair washed over him. Only quiet wheezes were heard in the silent house. He went upstairs, shuffling heavily to the door covered in stickers and posters.

He opened the door softly, as if he were scared to wake someone up with an unexpected creak. He hadn’t cleaned the room up since c00lkidd has disappeared. Toys were scattered around, notebooks and textbooks were lying on the table, a kigurumi pajama was thrown on the bed that C00lkidd forgot to make.

Only now he did realize what happened. C00lkidd was dead. The police said it was an accident, But Seven didn’t believe them at all. He didn’t believe in anything. He slid down the wall, looking into the darkness. He notices C00lkidd’s drawings on the opposite wall. He slowly stands up, approaching them, and takes the lastest drawings off the wall. His son drew the drakobloxxer next to himself and his father. He had dreamed of riding it.

Seven changed into loungewear. The black costume was replaced by the blue T-shirt with a dummy face that C00lkidd loved. He’s sitting in the living room. In the one hand he’s holding his son’s drawing, in another hand is what was hidden in the safe for a long time. The cold metal burned the skin. Still, he doesn’t feel anything. He had cried out everything, lost all hopes and pain, becoming numb and formless.

He wasn’t scared. He easily grips the handle, raising the barrel and pressing it against his temple. His hands are shaking. But not from fear. He’s not scared to die. He has nothing to lose. Because he doesn’t have anything at all. He’s looking at the picture again. Tears began to run down his cheeks. His nose stung, but it didn't matter.

“I’m so sorry, son… I… I was a bad father”, — Seven wheezed quietly before the click and shot. He heard how his skull broke before he finally found peace. Dead body fell on the couch, still clutching his son’s clumsy drawing that became stained with the blood and tears of regret.

He wasn’t found quickly. Well, nobody was even searching for him. If it hadn't been for the police patrol, it would have taken even longer to find him. He didn’t have friends or relatives who could look for him.

The news of his death shocked the town. Some people even came to his funeral, unable to believe that someone like him had ended his life like that. Some were saying good things about him, others were whispering in the distance.

But no one had come to stop him. He had always been alone, and he died alone as well.

Only two gravestones will be the end of their story.