Ladies Keeping It Funky
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Ladies Keeping It Funky
d. tafakari
December 16, 2013
December 16, 2013
Home culture black culture Dooky Twists + Farts: Can Women Keep it Funky in Love?
d. tafakari
black culture | life | natural hair
December 16, 2013
December 16, 2013
Generally comfortable in my own skin, I have never been a glam girl who “puts on her face” every time I leave the house. I see a lot of #nakedface posts on Instagram and I chuckle because my naked face is my default, rather than a marked occasion. I actually have to remind myself that it’s okay to put on makeup sometimes.
But wise women before me have said that there is something valuable in deliberately making yourself attractive for your mate. When we are courting–not formally, but the act of wooing another person–we pull out all the stops. The shoes shine. Those fuzzy edges get the Chilli baby hair treatment. We whip out that special perfume never worn except in moments like these, for whip appeal.
Working from home has a way of turning every last bit of my black girl down. If I’m not stepping outside the house, what do I need to dress up for? Dooky twists are my go-to sleep style to avoid knotted-up hair in the morning; but some days, I do not bother to unravel the fat two-strand twists poking out from my head. On braid days, I channel Cynthia from Rugrats. The other day, I kissed my husband hello as he came home from the lab. My hair looked a wreck. I had intended to fix myself up, but the time slipped away while I worked. The next time he saw me 10 minutes later, I had a fluffy twistout and lip gloss popping. I felt foolish, like I belatedly shouted, “Surprise!” to someone who already unwrapped all the presents.
Which brings me to this question: How do married women navigate keeping their sexy while still keeping it funky?
I’m sure that my jeans-cami-bed hair uniform is not what Beyonce was talking about when she said, “I woke up like this” in her new song, “Flawless.” But this nonchalance is what love has blessed me with, the ability to live in my own skin with him, without apology. Sometimes, I forget to pretend to be bashful when I fart in front of him. And other times, I truly do feel embarrassed; um, my bad, babe, that one really did just slip. What mystique is there left to hide from someone who has peeked under the hood, rumbled the engine, and driven the car cross-country?
On the flip side, a couple of my friends went to a conservative college where they took a womanly course advising them to:
rearrange the furniture for their man’s visual delight;
line the children up stairstep-style to greet Dad at the door;
keep yourself alluring to him with makeup;
make sure dinner is hot when he sits down.
Those are all wonderful suggestions to make a husband feel special in his own home. At the same time, I wonder about the long-term viability of rushing to put on foundation and concealer in the morning before he wakes up. Flawless? I woke up like this. (Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline?) The concept of narrowing beauty to something women adorn themselves with can leave little room to face one’s mirror and one’s lover and say: Naked, I am yet loveable.
I have this conversation with myself occasionally and never come to a solid conclusion. “Keeping it funky” is a layered phrase to me: 1) keeping it entirely real, farts, dooky twists and all; 2) spicing it up. Ultimately, I think that the balance between dolled up and comfy is an ongoing negotiation for me. I will keep plaiting my hair à la Cynthia to avoid split ends–non-negotiable. But it can be utterly fun and empowering to randomly slip on something eye-catching for an audience of one. Last week, I dressed up to work from home in leggings and a shirt that barely iced the top of my cakes. I moisturized my situation from head to toe and greeted him smelling like a chocolate candy cane.
How do you feel about the “comfy stage” of relationships? What’s your approach to keeping it funky–farts or otherwise?
I don’t mind dookie braids on women. At least I know I can pull them. As far as farts, I don’t really care, but I don’t typically do it around my lady and I’ve found she doesn’t do it around me. I do remember one time she fed me some greens though. :o( I’m pretty centered even when I sleep. My body is at rest, but my consciousness extends around me like a bubble. I’m usually aware of what’s going on around me and what my body is doing on a basic level, but I had no idea the fire works had started. Eventually, I heard one of the sonic booms and it jolted me out of my slumber. I wasn’t sure if I heard what I thought I heard. Her wide-eyed stare, visible even in the dead of night, told me everything I needed to know. “My bad,” I said. I turned my back to her and went back to sleep. I woke up that morning to find her sleeping in the living room. She never fed me greens again. :o)
LOL. That’s hilarious. And nobody ever talks about pulling on dooky braids, that’s an interesting approach to it.
I don’t think we should be too worried about what our bodies do, at the end of the day we are all human. It is important to make the effort to keep some mystery alive and to make the effort some of the time, but it is also important for your partner or husband to see you as a real person who passes wind, has hair in certain places and so on.. We as women shouldn’t have to keep up this pretence every day when most men don’t bother to. Plus not making the effort on some days makes it all the more special when you dress up for dinner or something.. 🙂
I agree. If my everyday look is “flawless,” what do I have to aspire to when I DO get all dressed up? More contouring in my makeup? lol. I just love the fact that women have varying stages of adornment and I can get good and glam when I need to 🙂
Same, I find it hilarious when people feel the need to post pictures of their unmade up faces in order to get the validation from others that they are not as ugly as they think they are! Just have some confidence!
It took my fiancée about 3 years to start farting around me. She actually made such a big deal about being lady like that when it finally happened I laughed for a good 5 minutes. I knew there was no going back then. Personally, I dig the no make up thing when we’re chillin or just doing whatever. It definitely leaves room to be wowed when it’s time to get level 3 fly, and recently some ppl’s makeup game is so SERIOUS that they change identities when they beat their faces. Nah, son. Give me that real first. Well, at least some of it. Save the farts for after the first date.
I think in most relationships, you need a little face time before fart time is acceptable. If I just met you, man, woman, dog or rabbit, and you farting all around me and joking like we know each other, we will NOT be friends. lol
I agree that you should not just break wind at any point on purpose for the mere purpose of being comfortable with doing it. However, farting is natural and sometimes comes naturally without warning or preparation time (lol oops)….and if not released can cause you to become toxic and ill. So I say excuse yourself if you can or just say excuse me….There is no beauty like natural beauty. I applaud you for being comfortable in your own skin ” as is”. Natural woman should be what a man falls in love with (the REAL you) the blemishes and flawed aspects of your person in appearance b/c that is who you are. You are not I’m so wonderfully ” flawless” look how everything is so in place all the time (really). There is no such thing as flawless. If a woman was flawless WHY would she need to be made up? She is made up b/c of what she only THINKS are flaws. As we are all unique and wonderfully made. For me “natural state” is REAL and “made up” is MAKE BELIEVE. Not saying that I am against make up…I am just saying if he falls in love with Ms. Made Up Flawless…he will not appreciate the person you are in the morning…..Just PLAIN ole you. Also, as you mentioned when you do decide to enhance your natural he will enjoy it….but I am sure he will tell you how nice you look but will be wondering why you all made up for real. Seal the deal with real….or take the break with fake…
This is such a fun and cool topic! Face before farts. hahahahaha! I have to admit I didn’t pass gas as often as I let it happen now around my husband, as we’ve been married for 4 years. At first, though, I don’t know what it was but it seems my body didn’t have the same gastrointestinal processes that it has now. LOL. Poor guy. Anyways… The first time I did it, he farted too. A loud and long one. Which in a twisted sense was a sweet thing to do. lol.
I think it’s messed up when women put on so much: heavy make-up, butt-padded pants, push up bras….corsettes…all that, then when you take all of it off, would you be mad if the dude is like… “I’m sorry but I am not physically attracted to you, nor am I mentally attracted to you being that you had to pretend you’re someone else” ? I understand the pressure, though, that we can feel as women, that pushes us to make ourselves up so much. But you know, let’s just be ourselves. There’s only one of us. Everyone else is taken, right? right. 😉
Thank you! That was funny he farted with you in solidarity lol
Anyone here lived in or from Chicago? Potentially making the move to DC and was wondering how the two cities compare.
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Frequent traveler to both....Chicago and DC are a wash...Im a native Washingtonian, but let me declare Chicago is my absolute #1 city in America Not named the District of Columbia.
Neighborhoods - I'm gonna offer something I can tell is clearly lacking from here - a Person of Color Perspective. When It comes to sketch area - already well covered here. Chicago is block by block, DC is neighborhood by neighborhood. People throw "South Side" up in regards to Chicago as if that entire section of the city is Beirut or post apocolaypse. They do the same here in DC. There are some of the BEST neighborhoods in both cities located in the South Side Chi/ and SE/SW Washington, most notably east of the River. I grew up in the Brookland/Catholic U area which was ALWAYS very diverse both racially and social/economically. (i'm black but grew up next to college students, gays, lawyers, mail men, and crackheads too. But that neighborhood went bye - bye as all you new residents discovered our longtime secret and now houses are 700k that were only $290 about 8 years ago. Brookland is in line with like a Pilsen or Andersonville, but more diverse (read more educated well heeled People of color too). Chicago let's be honest - it's 10000 times bigger and has more distinct neighborhoods. But what we lack in size we make up for in DC in diversity and variety all over the city - not isolated one One side....I've been to Chicago Every single summer since I was 21 (I'm almost 39) Never ever once met a White person who lives South of Hyde Park. Whereas in DC in even the absolute worst, highest crime ridden neighborhood in DC - They gentrifying that. I live in said neighborhood - it's called Congress Heights because honestly it's all I could afford at the time - and now I'm glad because it's gentifiying so fast I made 100k on my investment in less than one year!! It will be "formerly" the worst and trendy gentrying neighborhood in less than 10 years. It' will be longer for any redevelopment in the Wild 100's of Chicago anytime soon due to a more corrupt and racist government. Hey we had a crackhead true, but y'all had more politicians go to prison the last 25 years than us hands down and there is no Political Maching anymore to the level of what still rules the chi.
Food - Chicago and it's not close. Glad I don't live in the Chi - in one summer (I have spent entire summers there in childhood and adulthood - THE BEST CITY IN AMERICA HANDS DOWN IN SUMMER) I put on 30lbs. Foodie heaven. Top 3 culinary city in America. That Said the DC food scene the last 20 years has to be by far the most improved in America. We used to never pop up on lists but now we are borderline top 10 because with a city of transients comes a diverse variety of food. Remember every Embassy in the World is in DC - so I can literally taste the World....Not sure how good Balkan cuisine is in Chicago, but I can name two good ones in DC...Or Laotian, Senegalese, etc. You can even hit Australian spots and eat Ennui's lol. But plain old American Food and chefs going next level, Chicago sets trends, DC follows them, albeit better than everyone else. Only thing we made cool was Tapas, and those of course come from Spain lol...No city is fucking with us when it comes to Spanish Cusine (and not in that ignorant way people call All latinos "Spanish" but actual Iberian Penninsula food, separated by region lol...Shit like that is fun to discover in DC so you won't be missing too much. But nah there is no Giordanos, but we got way better soul food than the Chi - Harolds is cool, but I know 20-30 chicken shacks shitting on that place. Food is WAAAAAAAAAY Cheaper in Chicago. Too much great cheap Mexican and hot dogs. The DC Half Smoke actually tastes better than the traditional Chicago dog, but there is only one place you out of towners can get the authentic without having to come to the burbs or a farmers market for cheaper - and Bens is overpriced. Id rather get spit on and cussed out at Wiener's Circle than pay $7 fucking dollars for Ben's Half Smoke - even if it tastes better!!
Public Transit - Wash. Chicago does have the Red Line all night, otherwise - it's literally exactly like DC....Red Line, Blue line, etc....You are ready for one city after riding the others subway system lol. color code cities for the win!! DC's is cleaner - CHicago's is more prepared for Track maitenance as it' isn't a Hub and SPoke system (Boston is too - for all you throwing that Piece of Sh$% town in comparison the "T" is TRASH!!" Buses are the same. Chicago Drivers are Nicer lol.
People...My mom is from Indiana so I was raised in DC by a good midwestern woman. That said I love How Chicago is New York hustle and bustle mixed with Midwest charm no different than my Mom's hometown of Indianapolis. You can actually have a convo more than 20 min before someone goes "what do you do" and then going "oh" when you say something other than lawyer/lobbyist/think tank/gov't GS 14 or up/Doctor/Alphabet boy (that's PHD, JD, MBA, NBA, NHL, NFL, MLB) - I wasn't aware how much that was in my DNA untill I moved out of DC for college and as an adult on business and vacation. It's part of the culture, but one I loathe. That said waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more intermingling of races here. You feel that segregation . White folks scared to travel to the South Side unless they a junkie or looking for trouble. In DC cost of living has a magical way of bringing young urban types with visions of Capitol Hill living and networking - To places they wouldn't dare go before they realize it's both cheaper and not that dangerous. IT's the city, lock your doors be aware of your surroundings. As we say here - MLK Avenue is the same everywhere. But so is this nieve concept of Safe - you can get robbed and killed in the best neighborhoods in both cities - know why? Smart criminals rob where the money is and NOT where it isn't like their own neighborhood. Desperate fiends do that. Your sophisticated thief lives in both cities to eyes open suburban kids!! You aren't in Dunn Loring anymore - or Naperville. Or Evanston lol. DC crime is much better, but remember I grew up in Murder Capital DC where our crime made 2018 Chicago seem like a Disney special. So it's great not living in that world. - I literally was hipping Native Chicagoans to spots in neighborhoods they have never been to in their life. It's possible to live in Chicago and NEVER leave your neighborhood. DC's small size makes it almost impossible Not to.
DC may not be as big as Chicago, but it feels like it. REmember DC is only 69 square miles - each quadrant 10 sq miles - and chicago is TRIPLE that. That said we have 700k packed in that 10*10 - so it can feel like Manhattan in the trendy overpriced neighborhoods you young folks love to pack in like sardines to be in the middle of the action lol. So you have the exact same urban feel just with no skycrappers. Being from here while I was impressed by Chicago's skyline the 1st time I visited, you natives know good well the Sears Tower is Just a building you happen to admire every 6 months and ignore in between. They just buildings lol...Just like the Washington Monument and White House are to me - I drive past them both everyday - Im numb. if Buildings make you feel more urban - you need to LIVING withe Urbanity instead lol... Chicago is a two team baseball city which is awesome, but if you miss the American League - Baltimore is a mere 45 min drive - about the same time it takes to get from the North Side to the south side lol...Another edge to DC. Let's be Honest What's cooler to have within less than 4 hours, Baltimore(45 min), Philly (2hrs and change), & NYC (4hrs, 2-3 on train)? Or how about Lovely Indianapolis (My second home so naptowners don't diss I love it but c'mon lol), Milwaukee? St Louis? Dump. Dump. Dump. So luckily it's a lifetime of fun in the Chi and you better get familiar with that neighborhood on the West side you never been to but you lived there for 10 years, smh....I tease but it's still stuffy white folks who have never been east of the River - because that term comes with an unfair stigma that it's all a dump...Gentrification in DC has made Dumps few and far between. It's yuppie types in any neighborhood in DC - can't say that in Chicago
Cost of Living - Depends where you are at life....You folks are young beginning professionals from what I can guess (Mid 20's - Early 30's). When you get a little older - I'm an old fart of 38, you gonna want to settle down, buy property, etc. Schools and the whole nine of true grown up stuff awaits. Yes RENTING WISE? Chicago wins and it's not close. But owning property, don't be fooled by the fact a house costs $480k in CHicago for what you will pay $700k or more for in DC . Chicago Property taxes are some of the WORST IN AMERICA. You will pay in a lifetime more than a DC person so it's even...Then there's schools. DC Schools>Chicago Public. ANd when we factor in the suburbs - DC has 3 of the five best school districts in America right on it's immediate border.. There is no comparison....Colleges are a Wash- I see your Northwestern and Raise you Georgetown. Depaul/Loyola are basically American u/George Washington. UMD also counts in the DC list as College Park MD is a mere 5 min from the DC line and only 25-30min by train from downtown - less by uber/driving. Gas is higher in Chi - everything else is higher here. Daycare in DC is another expensive it' makes no sense expenditure you will need - one kid can cost 2-3k a month!!!
I would base Chicago Vs DC on age. Under 30? Chicago. Over 30? DC. Otherwise I find them both a Wash. It's basically can you deal with a long cold winter vs a hot sweaty summer? For people NOT from DC or CHicago, DC's Transient population is good and bad....You are guaranteed to find 4-5 people from your hometown to network with - there's a team bar for every sports team you can imagine (hint hint for great meet people opportunity!!) . Hell there are young ambitious types looking to meet other young ambitious types. But if you aren't an extrovert - good luck with that. Chicago people are friendlier - ONLY in Chicago when you ask for directions will folks WALK YOU to your destination damn near - never met a bunch of folks so proud of their city - DC could take
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