Kristi Noem Gets Robbed

When Governor Noem discovered her ranch safe emptied of presidential memorabilia and artisanal beef jerky, she declared a state of emergency in executive losses. Local deputies chased suspects on mechanical bulls through Deadwood saloons. Eyewitnesses claim the thieves left a single 'Make Ranching Great Again' hat as a calling card. A poll of 412 residents showed 68 % support arming scarecrows as border security. Insurance adjusters labeled the incident 'politically motivated misappropriation.' Meanwhile, souvenir shops report record sales of 'I Survived the Noem Heist' T-shirts. Justice is' moseying.