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Austin, TX
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Chicago, IL
Denver, CO
Houston, TX
Los Angeles, CA
New York, NY
Portland, OR
San Diego, CA
San Francisco, CA
Seattle, WA
Washington, DC
Mental Health
Addiction
Anxiety
ADHD
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
Chronic Pain
Depression
Eating Disorders
Personality
Passive Aggression
Personality
Shyness
Personal Growth
Goal Setting
Happiness
Positive Psychology
Stopping Smoking
Relationships
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Sex
Family Life
Child Development
Parenting
Talk to Someone
Find a Therapist
Find a Treatment Center
Find a Psychiatrist
Find a Support Group
Find Teletherapy
Trending Topics
Coronavirus Disease 2019
Narcissism
Dementia
Bias
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Neuroscience
The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Traditionally, the term referred to sado-masochistic (S&M) play. “Sado,” for sadism, derives from the Marquis de Sade (1740-1814), whose controversial libertine novels, The 120 Days of Sodom (1785) and Justine (1791), celebrated erotic domination and infliction of pain. “Masochism” derives from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (1836-1895), whose novel, Venus in Furs (1870), celebrated the erotic delight of being on the receiving end of consensual sexual sadism.
But from de Sade on, kink also included bondage and discipline (B&D). Bondage involves erotic restraint—one person physically restrains the other. Discipline refers to erotic role-playing—the dominant player (dom, top) tells the submissive (sub, bottom) what to do, as in master-slave, boss-employee, or teacher-student scenarios. (Ironically, however, pre-agreed "safe" words grant real control of BDSM scenes to subs.)
Early studies of kink repertoires focused almost entirely on male participants. That began to change during the 1980s as sex researchers documented the large number of women often enthusiastically involved in BDSM culture. But kinky women—and how they play—largely eluded researchers.
No longer. Recently, a San Francisco State University researcher used Internet kink sites to survey BDSM participation among 1,580 women ranging in age from 19 to 72, average age 36. Eighty percent were Americans living in 49 of the 50 states, with the greatest number from California. The remaining 20 percent hail from two dozen countries around the world. About half described themselves are partnered: married, cohabitating, or polyamorous .
Kinky women enjoy an enormous range of erotic activities from conventional (“vanilla”) sex to extreme BDSM.
The figures below are percentages of the total sample who participated in the activity in any way: acting it out, receiving it, or watching others play that way. (I’ve limited the lists to activities attracting at least two-thirds of respondents. The full lists are twice as long—see Rehor, 2015)
99.62% Touching (caressing, cuddling, massage, tickling)
90.26 Mutual masturbation with partner
91.39 Anal insertion with fingers, toys, or penis
88.95 Sex toy vaginal play (dildos, etc.)
78.19 Sex toy anal play (vibrators, butt plugs, etc.)
76.69 Mammary intercourse (rubbing penis or toys between breasts)
87.53 Use of bondage gear (rope, cuffs, chains, gags, etc.)
86.39 Moderate bondage (can move but can’t escape)
83.16 Breast torment (slapping, pinching, clothespins, etc.)
80.38 Genital torment (slapping, kicking, pinching, clothespins, etc.)
80.06 Ice play (ice cubes on the nipples, genitals)
78.61 Hot candle wax play (dripping hot wax)
77.53 Physical humiliation (face slapping, forced begging, crawling, being leashed)
66.77 Verbal humiliation (yelling, name calling, etc.)
69.44 Occupation play (boss-employee, drill sergeant-recruit, cop-suspect)
87.83% Model for erotic media (photos, video)
78.56 Share erotic images of yourself with others
75.92 Model erotic clothing (lingerie, corsets, etc.)
Many people believe that kinky sex is a realm unto itself, that people into BDSM don’t engage in vanilla sex and visa versa. That may be true for some kinksters, but for the vast majority, BDSM is an addition to conventional lovemaking, a hot, spicy extra. The most popular form of kinky play is spanking (95.70% of respondents). But among BDSMers, several forms of conventional sex are more popular: caressing (99.62), kissing (99.56), masturbation (98.76), and cunnilingus (97.06).
Many women prefer cunnilingus to vaginal intercourse because of its intimacy and range of possible sensations, and because women are much more likely to experience orgasm from oral sex than intercourse. This was true for the kinky women. Cunnilingus was their favorite form of genital play (97.06), ahead of hand jobs (93.83) and fellatio (91.89), and further ahead of vaginal intercourse (89.74).
Mention BDSM and many people think “whips and chains.” In fact, paddling (84.24), flogging (81.90), and whipping (75.70) were less popular than non-instrumental BDSM— spanking (95.70), hair pulling (93.16), biting (92.03), and scratching (90.06).
Imagery of isolation pervades perceptions of BDSM. The media typically depict participants playing in dungeons, basements, prison cells, abandoned buildings, and in Fifty Shades of Grey , a locked, sequestered playroom. But in the survey, exhibitionism—modeling for erotic photography/video (87.83)—was more popular than typical dungeon activities—any form of bondage (87.53), paddling (84.24), breast torment (83.16), flogging (81.90), genital torment (80.38), hot candle wax (78.61), physical humiliation (77.53), or whipping (75.70).
With the exception of master-slave play (83.53), other forms of role-playing were not particularly popular—obedience training (69.56) and boss-employee scenarios (69.44).
Finally, the survey showed that women into kink engaged in 126 different erotic activities, a far broader range than ever previously documented. The survey’s author concluded, “Respondents willingly engaged in these behaviors for their own enjoyment. The number of respondents, their number of activities, and their willingness to disclose such personal details, indicate vibrant, ardent participation in kink eroticism that has far outpaced academic perceptions.” In other words, the world of kinky sex is broader and more robust than most sexologists have thought.
The studies listed below and other surveys suggest that around 1 percent of American adults are deep into kink, some 2 million people. That’s enough to support kink social groups in every metropolitan area and many rural areas as well, which is what we have in the U.S.—just google BDSM and any locale. In addition, another 1 to 2 percent, 2 to 4 million Americans, are sufficiently curious about BDSM to visit a club, usually on vacation far from home. That’s enough to support BDSM nightclubs in every major metropolitan area and some rural areas as well, which is what we have. Finally, visions of erotic control and submission rank high on tallies of sexual fantasies , which is why Fifty Shades of Grey has become such a mega-phenomenon, with sales of 100 million copies in just five years, making it one of the top-selling novels of all time.
If you're a woman who engages in any kinky play, what do you think of this survey? Does it reflect how you play? Do you mix vanilla sex with kink? If so, in what proportions? And which forms of kinky play do you most enjoy?
Breslow, N. et al. “On the Prevalence and Roles of Females in the Sadomasochistic Subculture: Report of an Empirical Study,” Archives of Sexual Behavior (1985) 14:303.
Levitt, E. et al. “The Prevalence and Some Attributes of Females in the Sadomasochistic Subculture: A Second Report,” Archives of Sexual Behavior (1994) 23:465.
Moser, C. and E. Levitt. “An Exploratory Descriptive Study of a Sadomasochistically Oriented Sample,” Journal of Sex Research (1987) 23:322.
Moser, C. and P. Kleinplatz. “Introduction: The State of Our Knowledge on SM,” The Journal of Homosexuality (2006) 50:1.
Queen, C. “Women, SM, and Therapy ,” Women & Therapy (1996) 19:65.
Rehor, J.E. “Sensual, Erotic, and Sexual Behaviors of Women from the ‘Kink’ Community,” Archives of Sexual Behavior (2015) 44:825.
Michael Castleman, M.A. , is a San Francisco-based journalist. He has written about sexuality for 36 years.
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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
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Women expect their partner to understand from their body language that there is something in particular they want him to do. So the man keeps guessing and can be scared too to try something that she may like. So to combat that issue, we bring to you this guide to what women truly want you to do in bed.
You will be surprised how women love it when men talk dirty in bed. It generally happens during the heat of passion when they want you to say something.
Be it kissing, sex or foreplay, you do not always have to be done with it in 10 minutes. Go slow, she is not running away. Unless of course she too is in the mood. Work your way.
No, not all, but the vibrator is something she may want you to use on her. If you think it may shock her ( if it is a topic never discussed), slip in a conversation on how you read something about using a vibrator and the pleasure it gives. You never know, she may just ask you to use it.
Instead of her undressing herself, women love it when their partner undresses them. There are two ways to do it and that is with aggression or gently. However, when you are aggressive, in the mood to tear off clothes, make sure it is not something very dear to her or too expensive to be damaged.
Just like you want her to compliment you, it's vice versa. Compliment her on her lingerie, her body parts, let her feel confident and watch how she blooms in bed.
Please smell good, use an antiperspirant unless you have an underarm fettish. Wear the perfume she likes on you.
Please try your best to last long. Women take time to climax.
Most women do not say it, but they do want their man to go down on them like men expect their partner to do the same. The act of sex is not what makes them orgasm but it is oral sex which does.
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