Kink Social Media

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Kink Social Media
How Kink's Largest Social-Networking Site Fails Its Users
By protecting the identities of people with a history of abusive behavior, FetLife.com leaves members of the BDSM community vulnerable to harm.
The Fifty Shades of Grey books have unleashed a wave of mainstream interest in kinky sex since their arrival in 2011. The film version, which hit theaters on February 14, will probably trigger a second surge. But the kink community is less than enthusiastic about that.
“I’m not looking forward to it,” says Autumn Lokerson, a BDSM blogger and self-identified submissive.
That’s because Lokerson has seen many Fifty Shades converts dive headfirst into BDSM, without taking much time to educate themselves about the elaborate rules, rituals, and culture that have developed over decades. Her main concern is that newbies can put themselves in danger. All those rules—summed up by the oft-repeated community mantra "Safe, Sane, Consensual"—are vital to making risky practices like bondage and the infliction of pain safer.
Also worrisome is that many dipping a toe in the waters of BDSM will start exploring through FetLife, which, with more than 3.5 million members, is the most popular social networking site for kinksters. FetLife lets members discuss issues, explore their desires, and arrange offline events and dates. But Lokerson and others have long contended that FetLife does an inadequate job of safeguarding its users, and even creates a false sense of safety in the community—primarily, by preventing identification of abusive members.
Just as the rest of society has more openly confronted the ugly reality of rape, the BDSM scene has had to acknowledge that "Safe, Sane, Consensual" is often more of an ideal than reality. In 2011, Kitty Stryker, a blogger and longtime member of the BDSM community, spoke out about having her negotiated boundaries repeatedly violated by people she trusted. This triggered a flood of similar accounts across blogs, message boards, and discussion threads.
In 2013, these anecdotes were backed up by a survey by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, a group that works for the legal protection of alternative sexual practices. The survey found that 30 percent of people who participated in BDSM had had their pre-negotiated boundaries violated by a partner.
Revelations of abuse also frequently surface on FetLife. But these discussions are seriously limited—Fetlife doesn’t allow users to name their abusers. In a 2012 forum thread titled “Confessions: TRIGGER WARNING,” dozens of members accused others of violating their consent, using their FetLife screen names. However, FetLife administrators quickly emailed the user who started the thread, requesting that all usernames be removed. The thread can still be viewed in its anonymized version by registered Fetlife users.
Many of the stories shared on FetLife are horrific. One user shared this message from a FetLife admin regarding accusations against a high-ranking community member, whose username is here replaced with [Tribe Leader]:
My name is Maureen, and I’m writing to let you know that we’ve removed a post you made in your status referring to [Tribe Leader] that said: “[Tribe Leader] has anally raped a person who was bound and gagged and unable to resist” I’m very sorry, but I’m afraid we don’t allow criminal accusations to be made anywhere on Fetlife against another member : (
The policy is clearly laid out in Fetlife’s Terms of Use , which prohibit making “criminal accusations against another member in a public forum.” Whatever the rationale for the policy (FetLife founder John Baku and his staff did not respond to repeated requests for comment), its implications are profound.
Written abuse plagues much of the Internet, and attempts to deal with it are still inadequate. On February 4, Twitter CEO Dick Costolo admitted in a memo that “we suck at dealing with abuse.” Facebook’s sometimes-controversial “real names” policy is in part an attempt to curb abuse on the site, and the social-media behemoth employs legions of low-paid screeners to filter offensive posts.
It’s not surprising that FetLife, a much smaller company than Twitter and Facebook, lacks the manpower and innovation to confront and deal with the even more complicated reality of offline abuse suffered by its members. An additional challenge is that FetLife users rarely use their real names, or even show their faces in profile photos, due to the risk to their day-to-day lives if their still-marginalized sexual practices were exposed.
But before any of their more expensive efforts, Twitter and Facebook allowed users to call out others for bullying, slurs and death threats. That has resulted in prosecutions that are themselves complicated, but which may help make online life more civil. The inability to name abusers on FetLife, even pseudonymously, deepens the faceless distance that breeds online abuse. It also robs FetLife, and the online BDSM community more generally, of the self-policing and communication that are crucial to safety. Exploring BDSM through a screen is attractive to less-savvy acolytes—but anonymity is also like oxygen for the bad actors likely to prey on them.
“If I were a psychopath and looking for victims,” Lokerson says, “that’s a great place to start.”
Fifty Shades of Grey may also make its converts even more vulnerable because, as Emma Green recently wrote in The Atlantic , its depiction is overwhelmingly nonconsensual. The website “50 Shades of Abuse” dives deep into the books’ many instances of coercion and force, including four separate times main character Ana is raped by her boyfriend Christian Grey. The campaign “ 50 Dollars Not 50 Shades ” has called for a boycott of the film on the grounds that it glamorizes abuse, encouraging people to instead donate $50 to a women’s shelter.
Christian Grey is far from the first dangerous fictional character who people also find attractive. The more important question is how those sort of fantasies get channeled into real-world behavior. Lokerson herself is an arresting example of the difference between the two. She refers to her husband as “Master,” and her website features a long list of the rules she follows in their relationship, including the requirement that, when they’re alone, she serve him food and drink on her knees.
But she’s also a bright, outspoken woman, and clearly nobody’s slave. Her main priority in life, she says, is getting her teenage daughters off to college. As we talk, her husband occasionally chimes in benignly from the background, not much differently than any half-interested spouse. That kind of subtle balance between fantasy and reality is hard to establish in the context of a hookup between two strangers who met online.
Community members have attempted to compensate for FetLife’s failings, launching an add-on tool called the Fetlife Alleged Abusers Database Engine, or FAADE , which both maintains a database of allegations and scans user’s profile pictures against the United States Sex Offender Registry. Users also launched a petition urging Fetlife to let users name abusers, though so far, the petition has had no effect on the site’s policy.
But the idea that a site facilitating risky sex doesn’t allow its members to police themselves is unnerving. Fetlife’s policy of silence has helped online BDSM seem more happy and safe than it really is. Autumn Lokerson advises people to connect with the BDSM community in person, where it’s easier to both identify and be warned about potential dangers. She says experienced participants can tell “from a two minute conversation” whether someone is an obvious threat.
“If you’re going to be involved in an online community because there’s nothing [offline] close to you, that’s fine,” she says. “But you need to be more aware of the risks there. I don’t think Fetlife is the greatest community for learning about this kind of thing.”
“There are so many people who are lost and wandering around in the dark.”


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Finding a one-night-stand online is a breeze when you’re looking to dine and dash. If you crave more than a few strokes in missionary, consider a BDSM dating platform to boost your chances.
The best BDSM dating sites and fetish apps can help you penetrate deeper into your local BDSM dating community.
Fetish dating sites can be browsed by roles or kinks. Whether you are a dom looking for a greedy sub, or a rope bunny looking for your rigger, they help you find your match fast.
Still, the internet is full of scams. Dodging them through trial and error is risky and exhausting. Are the best sites for BDSM dating what they claim to be?
Before we dive into the list, let’s do a recap of the BDSM basics.
BDSM is a blanket term that covers an array of activities, both in the bedroom and out. Flogging, sensory play, spanking, role-play, and bondage are a few examples of erotic BDSM exchanges.
The acronym stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. But being ‘into BDSM’ doesn’t mean you have to practice all activities associated with it. Rather, you can experiment to see which ones feel best for yourself or with a partner.
Bondage and discipline is the act of consensual physical restraint during sexual activity. The purpose of this is to inflict pain, punishment, or humiliation on a willing partner, for their satisfaction.
Dominance and submission refer to the power dynamic within the kinky relationship. Whether you get your kicks from adapting to a dominant role or find yourself willing to relinquish control, D/S is all about the power.
Sadism and Masochism describe finding pleasure in inflicting or receiving physical pain. You’ve already heard of spanking, but S&M can be anything from tickling to paddle spanking or whipping.
Consent may not be part of the acronym itself, but it’s a major part of BDSM. Kinky endeavors should be practiced with consent from both (or all) parties included. This means you need to communicate your mutual goals, sexual needs, kinks, and safe words, in sort of a contractual manner.
A “safe word” is an important part of any BDSM combination. This can be an easy and arbitrary word, that you can use to stop all activity regardless of your role, no questions asked.
Dom, short for dominant, is the participant who does the binding or spanking. Sub or submissive in contrast, is the one who voluntarily gives up control to the dom, in the kinky contract. Sometimes the words “top” and “bottom” may be used instead of dom and sub. If you like to switch between roles, feel free to call yourself a proud switch.
“Play” is used to describe BDSM activities, both sexual and not. For example, sensory play can refer to any activity that has to do with challenging the five senses. Another type of experience is impact play – which focuses on inflicting pain by striking the body.
Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) – This describes goals for best practices and ethical behavior of the BDSM community.
Alt.com is an online community with one of the largest groups of men and women in the BDSM lifestyle. This is an excellent place to start if you are looking to find someone for kinky dating or roleplay sexcapades. Within minutes of joining, I jumped into the chat rooms and flirted with a lady who shares my love for transparent clothing.
On alt.com, you can message anyone for online BDSM play, and the members are happy to engage in conversations. The dating site has topic rooms for all kinds of kink and fetish interests (rubber, goth, cybersex, etc.). You can also join their local, state, or regional chat groups to meet local subs, doms, or switches.
Alt.com is free to join . But of course, like most fetish sites, you are charged to get past the communicative barriers. Look around the site and if you like what you see, unlock all the features (unlimited contact, blog/video access, profile visibility) with one of the following membership deals:
On Alt.com, you may find like-minded people that you have never met in real life, not even on social media.
The popular BDSM dating site is overtly geared toward kinky people who love bondage and leather. The website layout is very similar to Alt.com, with member profiles, topic rooms, and local groups for each state, region, and continent.
When you first arrive, you will see a collage of lovers, masks, and cages. Those tools represent the entire site as a whole. I found that I fit at the moment I joined. You do not have to look for people who share your kinks and fetishes anymore. Register for the free features and then upgrade to the silver or gold membership (same membership plans and rates as alt.com).
With more than 80 million members (64m in the US), Adult Friend Finder is the most populated kinky dating site globally. With members galore, you can find anyone: straight, gay, and bi; single, swinger, and polyamorous.
Adult Friend Finder is more than just a BDSM dating site; it is an online fetish community where people chat, form kink groups, share videos, and post stories.
You can share your fantasies and erotica, both real and fictional, with other members into the same fetishes. Membership rates are as follows:
AFF is one of the most popular swinger sites for polyamorous people. If you and your partner have fantasized about trying group sex or cuckoldry, you might find willing participants here. Check the AFF member profiles, and you’re on your way to a steamy threesome.
Few dating sites are as notorious as Ashley Madison, the site for adulterous individuals. Most of its members look for some quick anonymous action, but you’ll likely find AM useful as a BDSM dating site, too.
Whether you enjoy blindfolded submissive partners squirming to your delight, or craving foxy dominant women, this dating website is filled with kinky people ready to go your way!
Ashley Madison has an easy-to-use layout. You scroll through matches that meet your essential search criteria (gender, age, location) and click on photos for more info. Most of these people seek the ride of their lives and are blunt about what they want in a fling.
There is no membership plan for Ashley Madison. To make full use of the site, buy credits at the following prices:
Ashley Madison is a libertine hookup and affair website where anything goes sexually. Just practice your utmost discretion here (after all, most of these people don’t want their partners to find out.)
Seeking Arrangement ( Seeking.com ) is a dating site where gold diggers find sugar daddies. Rich men, in turn, come here looking for arm candy. To some extent, this kink dating site facilitates the costliest of fetishes – findom, where men get teased out of their wealth by hot dominatrixes.
The site is free to join, but you will need to pay the premium to unlock conversations, filter your inbox and get your profile in front of more matches. As a sugar daddy, that will cost you the following:
If you join as a sugar baby, the rates are far lower:
Despite its reputation, the people on Seeking Arrangement run the gamut, and most of them do not even resemble tycoons or gold diggers. Still, if you join as a sugar daddy, the lowest-possible net worth you can list is $100k but there is no real verification.
As the name implies, Fetlife is a community website of members dedicated to the fetish lifestyle. It sports a micro-blogging layout that shows columns of the latest member posts and pics, where other users can comment.
Fetlife is where kinky people come to socialize with like-minded individuals. We would not call it a dating site per se, but you can find dates and hookups if you invest time and energy into the website. For unrestricted use of the site, consider the following plans:
To find kinky singles on Fetlife, join their Partner Finder group.
If you want to explore the fetish community for free, start on Reddit. While it’s one of the official BDSM dating sites, the r/BDSMpersonals subreddit is easy to use and packed with active users. Each thread header states the poster’s age, location, and preference (M4W, W4M, W4A, etc.).
To combat spam, they now make you wait four days after joining before you can post. Thoroughly moderated the subreddit rules also prohibit personal links, promotions, or any mention of findom.
Fetster is an online dating website and community for people with varying shades of kink. On Fetster, you can post videos, join interest groups, converse in forum threads, post blogs and photos, and even make confessions. An alternative take to conventional BDSM dating sites.
The Fetster community is equally about socializing and dating. If you fancy someone, you can PM them and/or add them to your friend’s list (think mainstream social media). The site puts you through a lengthy fill-in forum at signup to weed out the fakes or bots.
On Bondage.com , you can post about fetish and kink topics and find other locals with similar interests. The fetish dating site contains multiple fetish groups for each state and city.
In my area, Portland and vicinity, they have groups for hotwives, gangbangs, exhibitionists, cucks, and more. Whatever floats your boat, there’s a group for it.
Bondage.com has the format of a social media website with content feeds, comment boxes, and like buttons. The site is free to use, but with a paid membership, you can get more features such as contacting members privately, which increases your chances of finding a BDSM date.
Their Gold and Silver membership rates are the same as on alt.com and BDSM.com. (They’re all run by Magnolia Blossom Inc.)
Fetish.com is an excellent kinky social media platform that has interactive features for members to use. Similar to Facebook, you populate your profile with content to attract other users. If you like someone, give them
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