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Has access to the Internet made porn easier to access for teens?
By JOHN DONVAN and MARY-ROSE ABRAHAM
Generation XXX: Teens Addicted to Porn?
Teens who say they were addicted to online pornography share their secrets.
May 8, 2012— -- Nathan Haug is an upstanding high school student, on his way to becoming an Eagle Scout. He has a high GPA, serves on the student council and swims competitively, but Haug had a secret he kept hidden from his family and friends during his early teen years -- he suffered from an addiction to online pornography.
This 17-year-old from Alpine, Utah, is one of eight children, and one of the oldest still living at home. He said his habit of looking at pornography on the Internet started when he was around 12 or 13 years old.
"It was kind of there, uninterrupted," he said. "I became almost numb to it. It became such a part of, pretty much my daily routine. It was automatic."
And Haug is far from alone. There is still little research on how many U.S. kids are addicted to online pornography, but a University of New Hampshire study reports exposure begins young, for some, as young as 8 years old.
Of course, pornography isn't new. But it's a quantum leap from a world where pornography came in magazines and on tape, to where it's available on our smartphones and tablets -- or at the click of a mouse.
Haug said he would view pornography late at night on his family's computer, when everyone else was asleep; he became good at covering his tracks.
"It got to deleting specific searches and cleaning up my messes afterwards to the point where I timed it masterfully," he said. "I'd give myself time to look at it or watch it and then I'd plan ahead of time the... time it took to completely clean the history. Sometimes I'd even search things afterwards just to make it look like someone didn't just clean it."
His private habit didn't fit into the rest of his lifestyle. Aside from being a lifeguard at the local pool and on the local club team, Haug was also active in the Mormon church, and he said the addiction hurt him.
"I felt like every day I was just incomplete, like there was just a whole chunk of me missing, like a hole in my gut," he said. "It just represented the part-- the things I was going to do and wanted to do that, because of my addiction, I wasn't able to."
Haug said he held himself back -- not fully participating in church activities or getting to know other people honestly -- because he was "trapped" by his addiction and silently suffering alone.
"Instead of lying about the actual act, it was putting on a front, putting on a mask," he said. "I convinced myself that I had to take care of the problem on my own, and I didn't think I could approach someone and get help."
The warning signs for those who become addicted may include depression, poor school performance, self-isolation and lying, which is what Haug's parents noticed, even if they didn't realize why.
"We couldn't quite figure out why because as far as we could see there wasn't anything amiss in his life," Judy Haug said. "It seemed silly to me. I would catch him in a lie. ... It just, it seemed unnecessary, but I could tell it had become a habit."
While the American Psychological Association has not yet classified pornography as a listed addiction, some professionals working in the field are treating it as such. Psychotherapist Matt Bulkley in Saint George, Utah, treats teenagers exclusively, some of whom have committed sexual offenses and some who are just hooked.
"A lot of times the pornography becomes a coping style," Bulkley said. "It becomes a way that they deal with negative emotions in their life, pornography provides a euphoria. It provides a high, of sorts."
Bulkley estimated that in the next five to 10 years, as the next generation moves into adolescence, online pornography addiction will become an epidemic.
Some studies show that seven out of 10 teens have been accidentally exposed to pornography online. Boys are more likely to view it, but more girls are getting hooked too. Breanne Saldivar, a 22-year-old from Austin, Texas, said she was addicted to looking at pornography on the Internet during all of her high school years.
"It tore me up on the inside that I could be talking to someone one moment and know this thing that's going on in my life," she said. "I started to isolate myself, because I hated what I was doing. I hated that I couldn't stop."
Like Haug, Saldivar said she first looked at pornography online around age 12 or 13, but within a few years, she was hooked and didn't understand why.
"I had no idea it was addictive," she said. "I would say that this is something that was not just me. I knew tons of students who were in my grade, my peers, who were struggling with the same thing."
Saldivar and Haug now work with a group called "Fight the New Drug," which is formulating a new kind of message on pornography. The group travels to schools across the country to teach students that finding images of sex a turn-on is not bad or weird, but normal, which is how it gets dangerous.
It's a discussion of brain chemistry: Viewing pornography is like pushing a button in the brain that releases four pleasure-inducing chemicals -- so you feel good. But here's the catch. The more chemicals released -- the more you want. It's a cycle, and it can get beyond your control. Your brain starts needing even-raunchier images to achieve the same high and it's hard to stop.
Clay Olson, one of the founders of Fight the New Drug, said he experienced pornography addiction in his own family. His message is to try to de-stigmatize the habit enough so that kids who are hooked will still seek help.
"After, pretty much, every assembly we do, I have probably two or three, sometimes four, different teenagers coming up to me and telling me their story of how they are currently addicted," Olson said.
Saldivar added, "All it takes is for someone to be vocal about a situation and that person who knows they're struggling and see it and say 'I am addicted, this is an addiction.'"
After finding the courage to talk with his father and a church leader, Nathan Haug got help and began a program the church designed. Almost a year later, Haug said he no longer feels trapped and is now putting himself out there to help other kids not feel so alone.
"I know there will be someone out there in my life, maybe I'll run into them, maybe I won't, and they'll have this attitude -- they'll maybe tease me," Haug said. "But it's not up to me to care, because, for all I know, they're suffering from the same problem."

The “true” self may or may not exist, but our ideals and projections about it sure do.
Does anything strike fear into the heart of a parent more than figuring out when and how to talk with your kids about dating, love, and sex? As if those topics were not challenging enough, thanks to 24/7 free streaming internet porn, today’s parents have to also talk with kids and teens about porn! Let’s take a collective deep breath and figure this out together. Our kids really need us to try!
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You see, the quality of our relationships (including our romantic relationships) determines the quality of our lives.
Therefore, parents, it’s vital to talk with your kids about what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. You have an amazing opportunity to teach your kids—in what you say and in how you behave—how to love and be loved. Start these lessons when your kids are young and continue them even as your kids become adults.
We know that teens are anxious about developing romantic relationships and they feel unprepared. In fact, data from a study at Harvard of over 3,000 young adults 18-25 indicated that 70% want to talk with parents about love and 65% wish they had learned about love in school.
Research also indicates that our teens and young adults listen to us when we talk with them, even if they roll their eyes. And what we say makes a difference. Our families of origin are our original “love classrooms,” providing us with countless messages, explicit and mostly implicit, about affection, conflict, communication, tradition, commitment, loyalty, boundaries, and dependence, independence, and interdependence, and research indicates that family values are transmitted across generations (Axinn & Thornton, 1993; Willoughby et. al., 2012). For example, Willoughby and colleagues (2012) found that “mothers’ and fathers’ reported importance of marriage for their child did have a strong, positive effect on young adults own reported importance of marriage” (p.239) suggesting that parents’ goals for their children’s lives matter.
I often find that parents silence themselves, thinking that unless they themselves are living in a fairy-tale romance (as if that even exists!), they have nothing to offer their kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. But here’s the thing. Kids deserve to carry a sense of optimism and hope about their potential to create happy and healthy romantic relationships, so if what you want to tell your kids is something cynical (love is lie, women aren’t to be trusted, or there are no good men left), use that as an indicator that you would benefit from some support for yourself (like therapy or a support group or a self-help book about healing from heartbreak). One of the greatest gifts a parent can give their kids is a commitment to their own well-being and relational health. So, if you are a wounded warrior, brokenhearted and pessimistic about love, commit to your own recovery. As you recover and become aware of your resilience and strength, you can talk with your kids about how, yes, you got hurt by love, but here’s what you learned and here’s how you make healthier choices for yourself today. Those lessons are solid gold for our kids!
Tips for talking with your kids about romantic relationships
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As parents, we are well-positioned to model respect in our interactions with our kids so that they can make sexual and relational choices that are respectful of themselves and of their partners.
Our kids absorb tons of messages about respect just from watching how we interact with the world. One way of doing that is by modeling that human bodies are amazing! Be fascinated and grateful and respectful of the sacredness of your body and of bodies in general.
One of the most important, and often omitted, sex and relationship education lessons is about consent. Consent is about creating a relationship climate in which both partners can ask for and agree to what feels good, safe, and pleasurable. Lessons about consent start very early and in ways that have nothing to do with sex.
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Parents, our silence speaks volumes, and when it comes to topics as important as love and sex, our kids need and deserve some courageous conversation.
Axinn, W.G & Thornton, A. (1996). Mothers, children, and cohabitation: The intergerational effect of attitudes and behavior. American Sociological Review, 58, 233-246.
Weissbourd R., Anderson, T.R., Cashin, A., & McIntyre, J. (2017). The talk: How adults can promote young people’s healthy relationships and prevent misogyny and sexual harassment. Making Caring Common Project, Harvard Graduate School of Education. Available at: http://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/thetalk.
Willoughby, B., Carroll, J. S., Vitas, J. M., & Hill, L. M. (2012). ''When Are You Getting Married?'' The Intergenerational Transmission of Attitudes Regarding Marital Timing and Marital Importance, Journal of Family Issues, 33(2), 223-245. doi: 10.1177/0192513X11408695.
Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., is an assistant clinical professor in Northwestern University’s Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy program.
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The “true” self may or may not exist, but our ideals and projections about it sure do.

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