Kids Have Sex

Kids Have Sex

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Story Highlights Survey: Many moms say they've had the sex talk with daughters, but kids say no Expert: Talks about sex should be ongoing conversations with three topics Topics: Anatomy, how babies are made, getting comfortable with your genitals Says it's very important to make sure children feel good about their bodies
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(OPRAH.com) -- When your child asks where babies come from, do you break a sweat and blame it on the stork? Have you had a conversation about oral sex, masturbation or contraception with your teen? If you haven't started "the talk" with your child, sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman says you could be making a big mistake.
Dr. Berman says kids today know a lot more about sex than we think they do. In fact, Berman says children are being forced to make sexual decisions by middle school, from receiving sexually explicit text messages -- also called "sexting" -- to feeling pressured to perform acts like oral sex.
What you need to do as a parent, Berman says, is arm them with knowledge that will guide them well into adulthood. "You want to start these conversations early with your kids -- before they find themselves in the circumstances where they're having to make those healthy sexual decisions."
O, The Oprah Magazine and Seventeen magazine joined forces for a groundbreaking new sex study that surveys moms and girls ages 15 to 22. The bottom line? Parents aren't talking to their kids enough about sex. Oprah.com: See the results of this groundbreaking study
"What is so fascinating to me is 90 percent of the mothers, our readers, thought that they had had the conversation with their daughters about sex," says Gayle King, O magazine's editor-at-large.
"When you talk to the daughters, you'll find out, well, no, you didn't really quite have the conversation."
Although some mothers shy away from the conversation because they don't want to seem like they're condoning sex, King says you have to arm your daughters with as much information as you can. "Knowledge is power," she says.
Seventeen magazine editor-in-chief Ann Shoket says girls don't only want the nuts-and-bolts talk about sex -- they want to learn more about the feelings that can come with it.
"It's clear that these girls are doing very advanced sexual things," she says. "And yet what they really want their mothers to talk about is the emotional side. They want their mothers to talk to them about: 'How do I know if this boy is just using me? How do I know if I'm ready for it?' That's the part where mothers play a huge role that the Internet or their friends just can't do."
Berman says it's important to start an ongoing conversation when your kids are young that will continue to develop as they get older.
"They want a sense from a very early age, not so much about the nuts and bolts about sex, but that it's okay to ask questions about their body," Berman says. "If you wait to have that one big talk until they're 13, 14, it's often too late." Oprah.com: Get Dr. Berman's guide to help start the conversation
She believes that making them feel good about themselves is key.
"Feeling good about their bodies. Feeling good about their genitals. Feeling good about their sexual function. Feeling empowered about who they are as people and as sexual beings. And then that makes the path so much easier when they're in their teen years."
The magazines' survey says 78 percent of mothers think their daughters feel comfortable talking to them about sex -- but only 39 percent of daughters actually do.
When it comes to teenagers, Berman urges all parents to stay calm when approached for information. Overreacting, she says, could make your child hesitant to come to you in the future.
"Listen -- don't just lecture them," Berman says. "[Encourage them] to ask questions about the words and the terms and the things they're hearing about at school, to ask questions about what they're seeing in the media."
Amy, a mom from Tennessee, wants to have the talk with her 10-year-old daughter, Jordan, but she says she feels sick to her stomach every time she thinks about it. And it doesn't help that Jordan's asked for the talk one or two times a week for six months!
Amy says she's scared of saying the wrong thing. "Something that's going to scare her or confuse her," she says. "I don't ever want to let my daughter down. That's my biggest thing. I don't ever want her to ever think she can't talk to me."
Berman thinks Amy is putting too much pressure on herself. "What's happened now is that Jordan's been asking you and asking you, and there's this whole [air] of secrecy around it," she says. "The secrecy can be more damaging than just telling it like it is."
Berman says the main goal of any sex talk is to communicate that sex is a very normal and natural thing. There are three main topics to cover: male and female anatomy, the mechanics of making a baby...and becoming familiar and comfortable with your genitals. "I don't think I can say 'masturbation' to my 10-year-old yet," Amy says. "I don't even think I say that to my girlfriends!"
Berman says it's important to talk to kids about getting to know their own bodies -- and that many kids have been exploring themselves since they were babies.
"It's about soothing," Berman says. "It's not about sexual arousal and the sexual connotations that we put on it. It's just about normalizing it for them and setting the seeds that this is normal."
After some more coaching, Amy says she's ready to face Jordan. "I'm going to be sitting nearby, ready to hold your hand and jump in and help you," Dr. Berman says.
Jordan says she became curious about sex after reading a book about growing up. When she got to the section on sexuality, Amy closed the book. "She said it wasn't for kids," Jordan says.
Ever since then, Jordan says her mom has been promising to have the talk. "It's been eight months," she says. "I get kind of frustrated. And I hope I learn about adult stuff that I need to learn. Because if I don't know when I'm older, it's going to be embarrassing."
After many frustrating months and a little help from Berman, Jordan finally gets the chance to ask her mom anything she wants.
Jordan got a lot of information in one sitting, but Berman says it's best to tackle the issue in stages. "They'll first ask how are babies made usually, and you can say, 'It comes from a very special place inside a mother's body named a uterus.' And you can even show a picture of the uterus at that point and get them familiar with anatomy," she says.
Berman says many kids will ask how the baby gets in the uterus, then how a man's seed gets into a woman. "It's sort of usually a more processed, kind of piece-by-piece conversation in an ideal world," she says.
Jordan says she's glad she got to talk to her mom -- and has more questions. "We were on the way home, and I asked her, 'Do old people still have sex?'" she says. "And she said it depends on the couple." Oprah.com: The shocking lesson Dr. Berman wants you to teach your kids
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From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

^ Jump up to: a b Shaw, J (2000). "Child on child sexual abuse: Psychological perspectives". Child Abuse & Neglect . 24 (12): 1591–1600. doi : 10.1016/S0145-2134(00)00212-X . PMID 11197037 .

^ Jump up to: a b c Loseke, Donileen R.; Gelles, Richard J.; Cavanaugh, Mary M. (2005). Current Controversies on Family Violence . Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications Inc. ISBN 978-0-7619-2106-6 .

^ Jump up to: a b John V. Caffaroa; Allison Conn-Caffaro (July–August 2005). "Treating sibling abuse families". Aggression and Violent Behavior . 10 (5): 604–623. doi : 10.1016/j.avb.2004.12.001 .

^ Jump up to: a b c Carlson, Bonnie E.; MacIol, Katherine; Schneider, Joanne (2006). "Sibling Incest: Reports from Forty-One Survivors". Journal of Child Sexual Abuse . 15 (4): 19–34. doi : 10.1300/J070v15n04_02 . PMID 17200052 . S2CID 20799279 .

^ Jump up to: a b Drew Pinsky, MD and Ted Stryker (November 5, 2007) "Loveline" Archived July 14, 2011, at the Wayback Machine (audio interview, 0:38:45-0:40:31). lovelineshow.com . Retrieved November 15, 2007.

^ Jump up to: a b Bromberg, Daniel S.; Johnson, Blair T. (2001). "Sexual interest in children, child sexual abuse, and psychological sequelae for children". Psychology in the Schools . 38 (4): 343–355. doi : 10.1002/pits.1023 .

^ Jump up to: a b Gray, A; Pithers, WD; Busconi, A; Houchens, P (1999). "Developmental and etiological characteristics of children with sexual behavior problems: Treatment implications". Child Abuse & Neglect . 23 (6): 601–21. doi : 10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00027-7 . PMID 10391518 .

^ Jump up to: a b Gray, Alison; Busconi, Aida; Houchens, Paul; Pithers, William D. (1997). "Children with sexual behavior problems and their caregivers: Demographics, functioning, and clinical patterns". Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment . 9 (4): 267–290. doi : 10.1007/BF02674853 .

^ Marshall, W.L. (1997). Pedophilia: Psychopathology and theory. In D. R. Laws &W. O’Donohue (Eds.), Sexual deviance: Theory, assessment, and treatment (pp. 152–174). New York: Guilford.

^ Wieckowski, Edward; Hartsoe, Peggy; Mayer, Arthur; Shortz, Joianne (1998). "Deviant Sexual Behavior in Children and Young Adolescents: Frequency and Patterns". Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment . 10 (4): 293–303. doi : 10.1023/A:1022194021593 .

^ "Do Children Sexually Abuse Other Children? Preventing Sexual Abuse Among Children and Youth" Archived 2017-09-02 at the Wayback Machine , "Stop It Now!", 2007

^ Jump up to: a b Craig, Elaine (2020-08-17). "Child's Play or Sexual Abuse? Reviewing the Efficacy of the Justice Framework in Dealing with Child on Child Sexual Abuse in the United Kingdom" . Journal of Child Sexual Abuse . 29 (6): 734–748. doi : 10.1080/10538712.2020.1719448 . ISSN 1053-8712 . PMID 32286188 . S2CID 215758238 .

^ Jane M. Rudd; Sharon D. Herzbergerb (September 1999). "Brother-sister incest—father-daughter incest: a comparison of characteristics and consequences". Child Abuse & Neglect . 23 (9): 915–928. doi : 10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00058-7 . PMID 10505905 .

^ Brown, Janelle C., Ph.D. (September, 2004). " Child-on-child sexual abuse: An investigation of behavioral and emotional sequelae ," University of Pennsylvania, p. 1539.

^ Arata, Catalina M. (2006). "Child Sexual Abuse and Sexual Re-victimization". Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice . 9 (2): 135–164. doi : 10.1093/clipsy.9.2.135 .

Child-on-child sexual abuse is a form of child sexual abuse in which a prepubescent child is sexually abused by one or more other children or adolescents , and in which no adult is directly involved. While this includes when one of the children uses physical force, threats, trickery or emotional manipulation to elicit cooperation, it also can include non-coercive situations where the initiator proposes or starts a sexual act that the victim does not understand the nature of and simply goes along with, not comprehending its implications or what the consequences might be. [1]

Child-on-child sexual abuse is differentiated from normative sexual play or anatomical curiosity and exploration (e.g. " playing doctor ") because child-on-child sexual abuse is an overt and deliberate action directed at sexual stimulation , including orgasm . [2] When sexual abuse is perpetrated by one sibling upon another, it is known as " inter-sibling abuse ". [3] When victims of inter-sibling child-on-child sexual abuse grow up, they often have distorted recall of the act, such as thinking it was consensual or that they were the initiator. [4]

In the case of child-on-child sexual abuse, young children who have not matured sexually are incapable of knowing about specific sex acts without an external source. [5] [6] [7] Consequently, children who initiate or solicit overtly sexual acts with other children most often have been sexually victimized by an adult beforehand, [5] [6] [8] or by another child who was in turn abused by an adult. [9] [10] More than half have been victimized by two or more perpetrators. [7] In some instances, the perpetrating child was exposed to pornography or repeatedly witnessed sexual activity of adults at a very young age, and this can also be considered a form of child sexual abuse . [8]

In many cases, a child or adolescent may have no intent to cause any harm to another child, and they act merely on a passing impulse. However, this act may still result in harm to the other child and is a form of child-on-child sexual abuse. [11] Furthermore, children who had experienced an unwanted sexual approach may not understand that this act was crime against themselves. [12]

Child-on-child sexual abuse frequently goes unreported because it is not widely known about by the public, [2] and often occurs outside of adults' direct supervision. Even if known by adults, it is sometimes dismissed as harmless by those who do not understand the implications. [2] In particular, inter-sibling abuse is under-reported relative to the reporting rates for parent–child sexual abuse, [3] and disclosure of the incest by the victim during childhood is rare. [4]

Children who were sexually victimized by other minors , including inter-sibling abuse, show largely the same problems as children victimized by adults, including anxiety disorders , depression , substance abuse , suicide , eating disorders , post traumatic stress disorder , sleep disorders and difficulty trusting peers in the context of relationships. [1] [13] The victim often thinks that the act was normal, including thinking they were the initiator or that they went through the act voluntarily. [4]

Major factors that affect the severity of symptoms include the use of force or coercion, the frequency of the abuse, and the invasiveness of the act. [14] An increased risk of victimization later in life has also been reported. [15]

The term minor sex offenders may be used for children under 18 years old that have initiated any non-consensual sexual activity with another person. This population may be viewed as a younger version of sexual perpetrators and may be assessed as part of a same group, when they represent a significant heterogenous group. For example, these children tend to exhibit different motivations for their actions than adult sexual offenders and they tend to respond more favorably to treatment. [12]

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On my first day of training to become a specialist physician, I could hardly contain my excitement and arrived at the hospital two hours early. I knew no one, as I had arrived from another part of the country on the preceding day, but I introduced myself to the nurses on the maternity ward and looked around at what would be my training ground for the next few months.
All
of a sudden the phone rang alerting the nurses to an imminent arrival and, minutes
later, a couple of paramedics wheeled in a young girl in active labour. Five minutes
afterwards, with the help of two nurses, I delivered the first baby of my career.
The young mother, who had no family or friends with her, turned out to be twelve
years old.
Over the next few days, I spent a lot of time talking to this young teen. I found out that she had become pregnant when she was eleven; the baby's father was a fourteen-year-old boy who had since found another girlfriend. The young mother steadfastly insisted that she wanted the baby and was not interested in giving the infant up for adoption. I wondered how this young girl with minimal life experience and no apparent family support could possibly raise a child. Although at that point in my career I did not know the facts and the figures related to teen pregnancy, I was struck by the phenomenon of 'children having children' and I wondered what the future held for this twelve-year-old and her tiny infant.

Although not the topic of this book, unintended teen pregnancy is a monumental problem for our society. According to an article in the prestigious journal, Adolescent Medicine , "adolescent girls who become mothers are more likely to drop out of school and have low educational attainment; to face unemployment, poverty, and welfare dependency; to experience more rapid repeat pregnancy; to become single mothers; and to experience divorce, if they marry."(2) The cycle of difficulties continues as the children of teen mothers have a much higher incidence of a variety of problems including prematurity, infant death, developmental problems and behavioral difficulties. (2,3)

In addressing the American Academy of Paediatrics, a former U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. M. Jocelyn Elders stated that preventing teen pregnancy was her top priority: "eighty percent of our poverty is related to unplanned, unwanted pregnancies" and "ninety per cent of the young men in prison between [ages] 19-35 were born to teenaged mothers."(4) While on an individual basis, I have seen teen moms who find their motherhood to be an unexpected motivation to seek further education and strive to do their very best, the challenges faced by these young mothers are frequently overwhelming.
What we know: Most people know that unplanned teen pregnancy is a big problem . . . however, most people are completely unaware of the devastating results of STDs and of the huge number of young people who suffer from them.
Most people are aware that teen pregnancy often leads to problems and challenges. I have heard many parents express concern about their teenagers becoming pregnant. I recall hearing a mother comment "I just want to make sure that neither of my daughters get pregnant and that my son doesn't get some girl in trouble!" Most people, however, are completely unaware of the devastating results of STDs and of the overwhelming number of sexually active teenagers and adults who suffer from these very common infections. While an unplanned pregnancy becomes rapidly evident, many of the consequences of having an STD do not show up immediately and some may not be apparent for years.
The unrealistic view that one can have risk-free sexual liaisons is rampant in North America and many other parts of the world.
I was only a few weeks into my specialist training when I began to encounter young patients who were suffering from the results of STDs. I remember being called to the emergency department in the middle of the night to see a fourteen-year-old who had experienced ten days of severe pain in her lower abdomen. After completing the medical history and physical examination, it was evident that this girl was suffering from Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (P.
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