Kids Ass

Kids Ass
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Because half-assing would've been too much effort.

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If I had a dollar for every time I said, was told or thought "don't worry, it's just a phase" about my children (or when reassuring friends about theirs), my wife could quit working and we could both stay home full-time.
Head Writer/Unpaid Intern at Amateur Idiot / Professional Dad
Jul 28, 2015, 04:41 PM EDT | Updated Dec 6, 2017
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
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Head Writer/Unpaid Intern at Amateur Idiot / Professional Dad
If I had a dollar for every time I said, was told or thought "don't worry, it's just a phase" about my children (or when reassuring friends about theirs), my wife could quit working and we could both stay home full-time. We'd be rich! The bulk of that money, of course, would come from the voice inside my head repeating "itsjustaphaseitsjustaphaseitsjustaphase" while taking deep breaths and willing my brain not to explode.
My kids are six and three and, so far, the times between so-called phases have been shorter than the phases themselves. I've come to the conclusion that it's all bullshit. There's no such thing as "terrible twos" or "threenagers" or whatever pithy nicknames have been given to various stages of life, as children get older but remain impossible to deal with rationally. Children are people and sometimes people are assholes. But when you're a kid, everything is amplified and immediate and you just don't know how to deal . When you're a kid, you have no real power other than being super cute...or being the world's biggest asshole.
But it's not like your kid is a total dick for the entirety of his second year on earth. His dickishness just kind of comes in bunches. So, yes, it's a phase, but another one is right around the corner, so get used to it.
Ah oom. Ah oom. Ah screw it, I need a drink.
My daughter Penny hit the "terrible twos" when she was 18 months only. She was so advanced! But three was really when the fit hit the shan. Now she's six and as she becomes more educated, both formally and through her limited life experience, she's become an expert. On everything. Sometimes she's kind of right or I'm just too tired to explain why she's wrong. "Because I said so" is the phrase of a lazy parent and one I have uttered all too often.
She's also gone through periods of time that we couldn't have been more in sync. These "phases" don't seem to last as long, but that's probably because I don't really notice them until they're gone. And with two kids, I'm always dealing with someone being an asshole. If it's before I've had enough coffee, it's probably me.
Related to phases, in my mind, are milestones, be they behavioral or educational. At a certain point in your children's lives, it will actually matter who is more advanced and who is falling behind. But not yet. With very few exceptions, all kids will all learn to crawl, then walk, speak, use the toilet, read, tie their shoes, tell time and, god willing, make you a pot of coffee. So what's it matter if your kid is ahead or behind by a few months? In the grand scheme of your child's life, it doesn't.
I decided early on in my parenting career not to get too hung up on how my children compared to their friends. It's tough and sometimes I am completely hung up on how my children compare to their friends. When you have kids, you hang out with people who have kids, and the thing you have in common is kids, so you tend to talk about your kids. It's hard not to brag. Impossible, really. And then there's Facebook, where, if your friends' kids aren't totally wiping the floor with yours, they'll share a story or video about some little shit who is. (Seriously though, this Bruce Lee kid is AMAZING!!!)
Even if you are somehow able to ignore all that (Good luck!), you have the handy dandy "What to Expect" book and its ilk making you feel lousy about your child not hitting all of her age-appropriate milestones right on cue.
Whether it's a good phase or bad, or your child is ahead or behind his peers, it is important to remember: this too shall pass. Something different is waiting around the bend. Maybe it'll give you a well deserved breather or maybe it'll make you long for those, in retrospect, not-so-terrible terrible twos. Parenting is a see-saw attached to a rollercoaster. It's fun, it's scary and there are gonna be times you just want the sweet relief of vomiting your guts out. As soon as you're enjoying the scenery, just know, shit's about to go down. But, for some evolutionarily biologically masochistic reason, you never want the ride to end.
Enjoy it while you can. Your kids will only be this age once and their childhood is just a phase.
And sometimes it's this. It'll be over in a blink.
Head Writer/Unpaid Intern at Amateur Idiot / Professional Dad

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121 Asshole Parents Who Ruined Their Children’s Lives
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#1 When Your Parents Take You To Meet The President #thanksobama
#2 Her Shadow Was Following Her. And I Did Nothing About It. So I'm An #assholeparent
#3 I Accidentally Called Her By Her Real Name, Instead Of, "elsa." Now I'm An #assholeparent
#4 I'm An #assholeparent Because I Wouldn't Let Him Eat Goat Poop
#5 Told Him We Cannot Grow Bananas In Our Garden Because We Live In Sweden, So I'm An #assholeparent
#6 Mother's Day 2015. I'm The #assholeparent Because I Didn't Get Her A Mother's Day Present
#7 He Couldn't Go Backwards Up The Hill, Gravity Wouldn't Allow That, So I'm The #assholeparent
#8 I'm An #assholeparent Because I Won't Let Him Ride The Dog Like A Horse
#9 I Wouldn't Let Him Run Around The Restaurant With A Knife, So I'm An #assholeparent
#10 I'm An #assholeparent Because The Waves Were Too Strong And I Couldn't Make Them Stop
#11 I Am An #assholeparent Because I Made Her Go To Story Time At The Library Where There Is Music And Toys And Snacks And Friends
#12 Would Not Let Him Eat His Father's Deodorant, So I'm An #assholeparent
#13 I'm An #assholeparent Because I Wouldnt Let Him Drive The Car
#14 I Did The Old Mime Trick Of Pulling Off Her Nose. Now She Thinks It's Gone Forever. I'm An #assholeparent
#15 I Wouldn't Let Him Put The Toilet Brush In His Mouth. Clearly I Am An #assholeparent
#16 1. Leni Is Pissed She Has To Share TV Time With Fin 2. Fin Is Pissed At Pretty Much Everything 3. Archer Is Pissed At The Fact I Actually Have To Be A "Mom" To Those Other Two. I'm An #assholeparent
#17 I Wouldn't Close Him In The Refrigerator. Sorry Lil Bud, Mommy's An #assholeparent
#18 I'm An #assholeparent Because I Wouldn't Let Her Throw The Car Keys Into The Sound
#19 She Wanted A Ponytail, But She Doesn't Have Enough Hair. So I'm An #assholeparent
#20 I'm An #assholeparent Because What I Called "a Mess" Was Really "a Fun Party"
#21 I'm An #assholeparent Tonight Because I Wouldn't Remove The Hearts From Her Pajamas
#22 I Didn't Want To Serve Her Warm Dinner On Top Of My Old, Smelly, Dirty Tennis Shoes
#23 I Started Singing Some Gwen Stefani. And He Ain't No Hollaback Girl. So I'm Assholeparent
#24 I Asked Him If He Wanted Milk Or Juice So I'm An #assholeparent
#25 Asked Her To Carry Her Own Bag. So I'm An #assholeparent
#26 I Wouldn't Let Her Touch The Dog's Poop. So I'm #assholeparent
#27 I Wouldn't Let Him Drink My Beer So I'm An Asshole. #assholeparent
#28 I Refused To Let Him Stuff Play Dough In The Dogs Ear So I Must Be An #assholeparent
#29 I Wouldn't Let Him Drink Soap So I'm An #assholeparent
#30 I Can't Magically Reattach The Bite To The Whole Muffin, So I'm An #assholeparent
#31 I'm #assholeparent Because I Wouldn't Let Her Cross The Very Busy Intersection On Her Own. She's 2
#32 I Wouldn't "turn Down The Noise" In The Restaurant (i.e. Other Customers Talking) While She Watched Frozen, So I'm An #assholeparent
#33 I Took The Marker, Therefore, I Am An #assholeparent
#34 I'm #assholeparent Because After 25 Minutes Of Washing His Hands I Turned The Tap Off
#35 I Told Her She Can't Sit On The Cat So Now I'm The #assholeparent
#36 I Won't Give Her Cough Medicine Because She Doesn't Have A Cough. Guess That Makes Me An #assholeparent
#37 He Had To Have Bandaids On His Runny Nose. Then Freaked Out Because He Had Bandaids On His Nose. So I'm #assholeparent
#38 I'm An #assholeparent Because I Wouldn't Let Him Use A Second Roll For The Rest Of The House
#39 Reason Number 488 Why My Kid Is Crying. I Looked At Him And Said Hi. So I'm An #assholeparent
#40 I Won't Let Her Wear Shorts To School When It's 40 Degrees Out, So I'm An #assholeparent
#41 Wants Me To Paint Her Teeth With Gold Nail Polish. #assholeparent
#42 I Told Her She Didn't Need Make-up To Be Beautiful... Now I'm The #assholeparent
#43 The Helicopter Flew Away So I'm An #assholeparent
#44 She Didn't Want To Swing And She Didn't Want To Get Down So I'm An #assholeparent
#45 I Interrupted A Lunch Time Snack Of Fresh Dog Poop So I Am An #assholeparent
#46 I Told Her Not To Sit On Her Drums, So I'm A #assholeparent
#47 I Said Happy Birthday To "you" Instead Of Happy Birthday Dear Harper, So I'm An #assholeparent
#48 I Wouldn't Let Him Repeatedly Whip Me With A Set Of Headphones, Inflicting Actual Pain.. So That Makes Me An #assholeparent
#49 She Got A New Princess Nightgown With Matching Slippers But There Is No Crown So I'm An #assholeparent
#50 I'm An #assholeparent Because I Wouldn't Let Her Go In The Middle Of The Street To Try And Get In The Sewer Like The Boxtrolls Do In The Movie
#51 She Wanted Me To Make The Small Pickle Into A Bigger One. That Makes Me An #assholeparent
#52 I Asked Her To Stop Sucking Out The Toothpaste From The Tube
#53 Your Kid Can't Swim And You're Trying To Stop Him From Running Into Deeper Water So That Makes Me An #assholeparent
#54 Won't Let Her Play With Her Dirty Diaper, So I'm An #assholeparent
#55 I Was Singing Again So I'm An #assholeparen
#56 She Wanted The Cap On Her Water. So I Put The Cap. Guess That Makes Me An #assholeparent
#57 We Won't Give Him A Hundred Dollar Bill So We Are #assholeparent
#58 You See That Juice Box Back There? I Put The Straw In It, So I'm An #assholeparent
#59 Won't Let Her Have Mayonnaise On Her Cereal So I'm An #assholeparent
#60 I Clicked Her Pen And The Tip Went Away While We Were At The Happiest Place On Earth... Clearly I Am An #assholeparent
#61 I Wouldn't Let Her Play With The Knives So I'm An #assholeparent
#62 I Brought Her Scooter From The Car To School Pickup So She Wouldn't Have To Walk One Block, But The Helmet Is "Too Boring" And "Just Green" So I'm An #assholeparent
#63 I Told Her To Shop For A Toy Instead Of Playing On My Phone At Toys R Us. Now I'm An #assholeparent
#64 I'm An #assholeparent Because My Arms Got Too Tired To Help Her "jump" The Waves
#65 I Said She Couldn't Have A Real Baby Bear As A Pet So I'm An #assholeparent
#66 I Wouldn't Let Him Chew On A Screw... So Naturally That Makes Me An #assholeparent
#67 I Wouldn't Let Her Rub Her Face Into The Carpet In The Doctor's Waiting Room
#68 I Wouldn't Let Him Put My Shoe In His Mouth So I'm An #assholeparent
#69 I'm An #assholeparent Because I Wouldn't Let Him Take A Bite Out Of Every Donut In The Box
#70 He Couldn't Hold Two Eggs In One Hand So I'm An #assholeparent
#71 I Couldn't Put Their Bananas Back Together So I'm An #assholeparent
#72 She Wanted The Necklace On Before Going To The Pool, I Put It On Two Seconds Too Late And Now I'm An #assholeparent
#73 I Won't Get The Piece Of Toilet Paper I Already Flushed Down The Toilet. So I'm An #assholepare
#74 I Wanted To Take A Family Photo For His First Day Of School Today. So I'm An #assholeparent
#75 She Grabs The Bowl And Dumps It On Her Head So I'm An #assholeparent
#76 I Wouldn't Let Her Lick The Ice Cream From The Table At Hungry Jacks So I'm An #assholeparent
#77 Because I Wouldn't Let Her Electrocute Herself So I'm An #assholeparent
#78 She Is So Mad At Me For Making It Rain And Therefore Getting Her Wet When It Was Time To Pick Her Up From School. I'm An #assholeparent
#79 I Did Exactly What She Wanted For Crazy Hair Day But Somehow I'm The #assholeparent
#80 She Wanted Her Nails Painted. So I Painted Them For Her..... But It Wasn't Sparkly Enough. So I
#81 I Started Singing And It Hurt Her Ears, So I'm An #assholeparent
#82 I Took Him To The Beach And Let Him Wear The Mickey Suit So I'm An #assholeparent
#83 Took The Kidds To See Their Favorite Train Today Guess I'm An #assholeparent
#84 Bernie Beat Hillary In Our Family's Mock Election So I'm An #assholeparent
#85 He Wanted A Cupcake, I Peeled The Wrapper Off So I'm An #assholeparent
#86 I Guess I'm The #assholeparent Because I Said No To Opening The Umbrella In The Car
#87 He Asked For Triangles. I Cut Triangles. I'm An #assholeparent Because I Cannot Transform Them Into The Squares He Now Wants
#88 Sang #happybirthday To Her So I Am An #assholeparent
#89 He Had To Put On A Life Jacket To Go On The Sea Doo So I'm An #assholeparent
#90 I Wouldn't Let Him Eat The Rotisserie Chicken Right In The Cart So I Am An #assholeparent
#91 Wouldn't Let Her Continue To Eat The Lotion, So I'm An #assholeparent
#92 I'm An #assholeparent Because I'm Feeding Him The Peeps He Begged For
#93 I Won't Let Her Stick Her Finger In The Socket So I'm An #assholeparent
#94 ook my daughter on an African safari but I won't let her play on her iPad so I'm an #assholeparent
#95 I Wouldn't Let Him Eat The Strips Of Torn Tissue Paper That He'd Ripped Up. Which, Naturally, Makes Me An #assholeparent
#96 I'm An #assholeparent Because Kroger Doesn't Have Wifi So She Can't Watch Curious George
#97 I Made Her Come Down For Lunch. So I'm An #assholeparent
#98 I'm The #assholeparent For Not Taking Her To Play Outside At 6:30 Am
#99 We Are Out Of Turkey So I'm An #assholeparent
#100 He Tried Eating Plastic Grapes...twice...finally Realized They Weren't Real.
#101 Im An Asshole Parent Cause I Wouldn't Let Him Be Naked #assholeparent
#102 Oreos Only Have Frosting On One Side When You Take Them Apart.
#103 I Wanted To Get A Cute "turning 1 With Her Cake" Photo, So I'm An #assholeparent
#104 Google Self Driving Car #assholeparent
#105 I Moved His Hand So The Dog Wouldn't Lick It. Guess I'm The #assholeparent
#106 She Wanted To Watch Frozen, So I Turned It On And Now I'm The #assholeparent
#107 She Wanted To Take The Stick From The Dog. I Did Nothing. So I'm The #assholeparent
#108 The Plane Was Delayed So I'm An #assholepatent
#109 Wouldn't Get Her Another Pet Adding To 2 Guinea Pigs 2 Cats And Dog. #assholeparent
#110 The Book Ran Out Of Pages. Obviously My Fault #assholeparent
#111 I Am #assholeparent Because I Didn't Let Him Play In The Bank And He Dont Want To Go Home
#112 I Couldn't Stop Her Tower From Falling...#assholeparent
#113 I Offered Inaaya An Orange...clearly I'm An #arseholeparent
#114 I Put Milk In His Chocolate Milk #imtheasshole
#115 We Interupted Her Poo Playing Session #assholeparent
#116 I Asked Him To Stop Poking My Valentine's Day Cupcakes So Now I'm An #assholeparent
#119 This One Is A Grown Woman, But She Obviously Thinks Her Mama Is #an Asshole Parent. Who Cares?
#120 She Wanted A Hulahoop. So I Made Her One. And Now I'm An #assholeparent
#121 I Wouldn't Let Her Sit On It,so Now I'm An #assholeparent
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