Ken Burns Saves Public Media

Can Ken Burns save public media? In a desperate Hail Mary, NPR and PBS have been merged into a single entity and placed under the sole creative direction of documentarian Ken Burns. The new programming slate is exactly what you'd expect: a 14-hour, slow-panned documentary on the history of pledge drives, scored by a somber fiddle. "The Civil War" is being re-released with a new epilogue comparing the Battle of Gettysburg to the culture war over podcast subscription models. Burns's signature style is now mandatory; even the traffic report is delivered over zoomed-in photos of asphalt with a melancholy trumpet solo in the background. Early ratings show a sharp increase in donations from history buffs and a catastrophic drop-off from anyone under 60. A spokesperson said, "We're not just telling stories anymore. We're applying a sepia filter to the very concept of news. It's our only hope." -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com