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John Holmes is the stuff legends are made of in that he is the foundational big dick of porn. He’s been the subject of countless books, documentaries, tributes, and of course, was the inspiration behind Marky Mark’s character in "Boogie Nights. Born in the 40s in a small Ohio town, John knew from an early age that he was special. When he’d jerk off, he’d get all dizzy because that massive dick of his drained way too much from his head. With enough practice, though, John was able to control his dick growth and keep his balance, and soon became an absolute master of cock manipulation. John joined the army and was stationed in Germany for a few years where he no doubt gave a whole bunch of continental slut-bags a night to remember. After his discharge, he went to Los Angeles to discharge his wads on American soil with good ol’ American gals. It wasn’t long before John took to porn, and soon, became the massive smash-hit star with "Deep Throat, "Behind The Green Door, and "The Devil In Miss Jones. So, what makes John such a big name? You probably already know the answer unless you just got out of seminary school where you’ve been for the last several decades. John’s sporting a massive foot-long fuck-rod which chicks go absolutely gaga for. He also unleashes a fury of jizz bombs every time, and every scene he shoots has that special Holmes climax.
Birthplace:
Pataskala, Ohio, United States of America
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Pornhub features one of the biggest names in porn: John Holmes. This is a man with the cock who is well known all around the world and you will find yourself turned on as he gets his cock sucked on by busty babes who want nothing more than to turn him on. You can also watch as he slams his huge member into women who have tight pussies and even those who will prop their asses up and let them fuck their ass! You just can’t go wrong with John Holmes as women flock to him and want to please him, which makes the best porn!
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Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia
October 26, 2012 By Jeff 38 Comments
I hope you’ve enjoyed this celebration of a great man. If you’re aware of other lesser-known facts about John Holmes, please share them in the comments section below.
And I’ll see you guys again next time!
Jeff Kay just did an entire post on one man’s penis.
I always thought Johnny Wad looked bored when he was “working”. Now Ron “hedgehog” Jeremy, he never looked bored. Sweaty, but never bored.
Then again, friday night and we’re checking twvsr. Loooooooozers we be.
Worse yet, Saturday night. Double “L” over here.
.
I’m stuck in Salt Lake City in a truck stop until midnight Monday morn. It’s shaping up to be a nice night to take a long walk…off a short pier.
If I were you, I’d visit some of the many strip joints.
.
Oh, Mama, can this really be the end?
To be stuck inside of Mobile
With the Memphis blues again.
Can’t go west
Can’t go east
I’m stuck in Indianapolis with a fuel pump that’s deceased.
John Holmes used to have long and drawn out arguments with his penis when he disagreed with it’s point of view on various topics. This adversely affected his work in the later years of his career.
Also, John preferred ketchup with his french fries; however, his penis did not.
When John Holmes grew up in Ashville, Ohio, the local farmers’ co-op used his penis to grade corn on the cob for both length and girth.
Towards the end of his life, John Holmes and his penis would have increasingly harsh disagreements over money. Late one night, after a day filled with vicious arguments, Holmes was startled awake by his penis attempting to murder him in his sleep.
Too bad you can’t have him (like Fred Astaire), er, dancing to sell a product–in this case, some bullshit dick grower like the one Ron Jeremy used to shill for ExtenZe, I think. Wait! No one steal my idea! Patent Pending! Patent Pending!
His penis was so big, it had a knee in it.
You’re right about the lights dimming thing. In 1977 John Holmes was in New york City standing in front of Macy’s watching a window dresser undress a mannequin. John aquired an erection and quite possibly caused the New York City balckout.
John Holmes wanted to be a writer. director and great thespian of the stage. For his drama class in high school he penned the play, “That’s About the Size of It”. He spent the summer doing re-writes under his drama teacher Sandra Doome, before withdrawing his script to seek out others input.
John Holmes loved and studied the classics. He penned a play that was a mixture of, “A Mid-Summer’s Night Dream”, “Romeo and Juliette” and “As You Like It”. It was a mad-cap romp titled, “Shake My Spear”.
In John’s later years as his popularity started to soften, he was often seen sitting on a bench outside the Griffith Observatory eating bag after bag of pork rinds and sucking on ketchup packets while staring up at the massive telescope point skyward muttering, “You’ll see…you’ll see someday. You’ll see…you’ll see someday’, over and over.
If Mr. Holmes wanted to travel internationally, he had to make elaborate arrangements in advance. Due to the limitations of the inertial navigation systems in common use aboard airliners and ships at the time, a mass like that of his penis could cause serious errors over the course of a transatlantic journey, with potentially life-threatening consequences.
.
It’s called deviation. The effect an objection has on a compass. Therefore by your observation…Mr. Holmes was a deviant.
Right! Like the concept of true north, which refers of course to Peter North.
.
Going back to Jeff’s update…William F. Buckley Jr. on the Dick Cavette show in 1970 told this exact same story. I could be wrong. I never had any idea what that man was talking about but always pretended like it did. I liked his style and because I liked him it made me look smart.
I understand that Mr. Buckley drove a Corvett.
John and I tried to take a shower together…but unfortunately there wasn’t room for all three of us.
Stay safe, everyone. What with the big storm and all. Those not in the eastern US may disregard.
.
John Holmes died of Aids. His penis got married, had two two kids and was killed in an auto accident 10 years later.
Corn silos seen along the highway in rural states were 1/4 scale replicas of John Holmes’ dick. His dick was so big it had its own area and zip code.
John Holmes’ dick started a war against Iraq on false pretenses. The appendage claimed that there were other dicks in the area that had weapons of mass destruction. Then JH’s dick laughed and realized that it was the only and real weapon of mass destruction anywhere everywhere. It toppled the government anyway laughing all the while. John Holmes’ dick bore a striking resemblance to Alfred E. Newman back then. Funny story.
As a youth, John was the envy of all his friends. You see, John had an indestructable whiffle ball bat at his disposal, whereas the other kids had to actually buy theirs at the five and dime store. It was a magical bat, that helped him carry a lifetime .348 batting average, with 417 home runs and 1,502 RBI’s.
It wasn’t widely publicized, but in 1982 John Holmes’ penis was named California Attorney of the Year.
In fact, said appendage gave him that rarest of abilities: the capability to literally go fuck himself.
.
Today John Holmes penis would be just another penis. Shane Diesel, Wesley Pipes, and Lexington Steel to name a few. But Holmes did ste the bar pretty danm high and it took years to reach it.
When John Holmes was 10 years old, he was an up and coming young member of the Cub Scouts organization. Each year, his scout troop would take a weekend long excursion into the wilderness in order for the members to attain several important outdoors badges (Camping, Hiking, The Compass & Fire Building, to name a few). While bedding down with his 3 tent mates, disaster struck: their support pole, the rod responsible for carrying the bulk of the tent’s weight, suddenly snapped clean in half, sending the tent fluttering down around them as they slept. Fortunately for his troop mates, Holmes at that very moment was deep into his very first erotic dream and was sporting a rock solid boner. Similar to Superman’s wood, a rail spiked by Holmes had some serious strength & staying power! As his dream self sucked and fucked his way through all his high school’s cheerleaders (and a couple hot teachers as well), the massive cock attached to his real self kept the tent from collapsing in on everyone who slumbered inside. Holmes awoke the next morning to find his three bunkmates staring at him, their faces filled with awe and wonder as they beheld such an awesome pork sword. For the next two nights, Holmes used his rod for the greater good, selflessly holding up tent from dusk till dawn and ensuring that he and his fellow tent buddies all received their Camping badges. This also happened to be the glorious day that getting an erection gained the elegant (and truly befitting) moniker, “pitching a tent!”
***The preceding tale was an excerpt from the book
“My Wet & Wild Imagination: Where All Roads
Lead Back to Sex (& John Holmes’s Cock, of
course!!)”. My Random House Publishing, 2021.
Nowheresville, USA. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
UNDER PENILE LAW: NO PERSONS SHALL COPY OR DISTRIBUTE ANY PORTION OF THIS MATERIAL WITHOUT FIRST GETTING THE AUTHOR OFF. VIOLATORS WILL BE PUNISHED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF MURPHY’S LAW.
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Check out this great story about a 16 year old Tom Bergeron talking to Moe and Larry on the phone during the early… twitter.com/i/web/status/14387…
Now playing in the bunker. There is certainly no shortage of Jam compilations, but this one is different. It's deep… twitter.com/i/web/status/14385…
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John Holmes narrates this tale about the X-rated business and all of the actresses he's worked with. John Holmes narrates this tale about the X-rated business and all of the actresses he's worked with. John Holmes narrates this tale about the X-rated business and all of the actresses he's worked with.
John Holmes Serena (archive footage) Candy Samples (archive footage)
John Holmes Serena (archive footage) Candy Samples (archive footage)
Second Auditioning Woman (archive footage) (as Uschi Digart) …
First Auditioning Woman (archive footage) (as Keli Stewart) …
Black Man (archive footage) (uncredited)
This is a softcore feature made up of several loops, including, "Big Boob Casting Call" and "Big Tit Hookers" (both 1979), and "Terrible Aunt Candy" and "Artists and Model's Ball" (both late 1970s). In the biography "John Holmes: A Life Measured in Inches," authors Jennifer Sugar and Jill Nelson wrote, "Unfortunately, it is possible that John may have made the 1980 softcore loops because of difficulties achieving an erection due to his excessive cocaine use," also noting, "Holmes excels as a hardcore performer so it is unusual to see him doing anything less than the real thing, however, it is no secret that his substance abuse had impeded his stamina and ability to perform at this stage in his career."
I saw this episodic porn film on video over 20 years ago and recently reprised it on DVD. What surprised me this time around is that the footage falls into that grey territory of not-quite-hardcore; there are no penetration shots despite endless opportunities for same. The who's who of popular porn actresses grab John Holmes' famous appendage and give him fake blow jobs, always keeping the proof of penetration out of camera view with their hands in the way. In all the intercourse scenes, the sex is simulated, with no closeups giving the game away. Similarly, there are no "money shots" included at all. Neither fish nor fowl, this differs from the more common end of '60s/beginning of '70s films, in which these stars especially Uschi often appeared, in that this goes further than usual yet still discreetly stays away from the XXX approach one would have expected. In the weird world of self-censorship I can't really figure out why this film was shot this way. The best explanation I can concoct is that it was to feed the drive-in market -I remember seeing many, many soft X films at drive-ins throughout the '70s and into the '80s, an
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