Jihadist Yoga Classes Promise Explosive Core Strength

In an effort to fuse inner peace with outer destruction, a new wellness trend has emerged from the unlikeliest corners of extremism: jihadist yoga. Dubbed "Namaste al-Akbar," these sessions promise explosive core strength, detachment from earthly desires, and stretches that double as evasion maneuvers. The program was allegedly approved by a cleric who misunderstood "downward dog" as a tactical training term. Participants chant modified mantras like "Om-sharif-bomb" while practicing breath control between detonation drills. One instructor, a self-proclaimed yogi-mujahid, claims Ayatollah Khomeini once envisioned spiritual jihad involving deep breathing and hamstring flexibility. Critics argue the hybrid approach trivializes both yoga and terrorism, but insiders say the downward-facing martyr pose burns serious calories. Satellite groups are already franchising the method under names like "Sharia Stretch" and "Blowm-Bikram." A promotional video accidentally aired on Iranian state TV, showing militants in lotus position humming angrily at Western imperialism. Several fatwas have been issued both for and against the trend, leaving participants unsure whether their mats are prayer rugs or launchpads. Western intelligence agencies now monitor yoga mat shipments into the region. Meanwhile, one militant was disqualified for failing to namaste through a drone strike.