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Yes, make no mistake. There’s a game legitimately called Wanking Simulator out there on Steam . Or at least, will be released tentatively around the Fall of this year.
Unabashedly self-styled “The best wanking experience known to mankind, from the comfort of your own home,” this game puts you in the shoes of a — you guessed it — wanker, walking around the sandbox suburb of Gay Bay.
And what do you do in Gay Bay? That’s right, whip out your pixelised pecker and do your thing.
As if it isn’t enough, that isn’t all there is to it. By doing it faster, you’ll be given super strength that will send anything and everything in a 10-metre radius around you flying like weightless ragdolls in all directions.
And that’s Wanking Simulator in a nutshell. Simple unadulterated fun where you can literally be a jerk by jerking off.
If you’re not convinced about the legitimacy of this game, it’s actually published by Ultimate Games, the same guys who published the very true-to-life Ultimate Fishing Simulator last year.
It seems the Ultimate Games guys decided to let their pants down for this one, much to our entertainment.
Marion has a serious RPG addiction. Sometimes it bleeds into real life; he forgets to sleep because he thinks he has a Witcher’s body clock. Forgive him in advance if he suddenly blurts out terms such as “Mind Flayer” and “Magic Missile”, because never once does he stop thinking about his next Dungeons & Dragons game.
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When it comes to self-pleasure, we men are vile scumbags.
In addition to our own mucky, solo, hand-shandies – frequently executed when you’re asleep next to us I’m afraid, ladies – many (if not most) chaps have tugged the terrapin openly in the company of pals.
All pulled together, you might say. Pooled our resources.
So in the interests of science and grisly curiosity, Metro.co.uk recruited a panel of seasoned onanists to get the lowdown on mass-turbation.
Beware: you’re about to go down a dark, NSFW rabbit hole, dear reader.
Those of you with a nervous disposition, or a tender gag reflex, may want to go and play with some kittens.
For those brave souls still with us, our methodology was to identify five distinct varieties of ‘team tug’, outline the rules, and see if our panelists have tried them out, or had any thoughts on how they might get on.
The nation’s most notorious masturbatory pastime: a circle of panting degenerates loom over a table with a biscuit in the centre in order to ejaculate on the, let’s say, ginger nut.
Last to finish scoffs the biscuit, sour frosting and all.
Rick: ‘Surely that’s an urban legend, right?’
Greg: ‘I dunno, seems pretty well known. No choke without fire, right? My question is: why would anyone make something like that up?’
Ollie: ‘It’s real. I played it, once, at school.’
Ollie: ‘Absolutely, it was a very posh school. One of the older chaps got hold of some brandy to liven up an evening of cards. Another lad produced a biccie from somewhere – a digestive, I seem to recall – and we all just cracked on.’
Ollie: ‘I won – which is to say, I didn’t lose. There are no winners.’
Paul: ‘Is a digestive the best choice? Of biscuit, I mean.’
Greg: ‘I expect absorbency is a factor. A chocolate coating would certainly help, and perhaps some sort of sweet filling.’
Ollie: ‘Ah, but is it technically a biscuit? The last thing you’d want is some smart arse proving it’s a cake. You’d have to begin again from scratch.’
Rick: ‘God, and round two would take forever.’
Whenever good pals gather to play FIFA or watch telly, and one fancies teasing the tamarind, a communal ‘spuzzjar’ is produced and handed reverently to him.
He retires to the bathroom, does his thing, and ejaculates into said vessel.
Over days and weeks, the jar gradually fills.
When it’s around half full (or half empty, depending on your outlook) the gang sit in a circle and pass it around, each in turn removing the lid and inhaling the putrid stench therein deeply.
Rick: ‘Classic. I totally had a spuzzjar.’
Greg: ‘I remember your spuzzjar, Rick. What happened to it?’
Rick: ‘Mum knocked it off the bookshelf when she was dusting and it smashed.’
Ted: ‘No wonder your parents broke up.’
A 21st-century addition to the team-tug canon, the ‘cumming on figurines’ movement is charmingly reminiscent of postal chess – in that it moves at the stately pace of correspondence.
Guys, usually comic-book aficionados, lovingly spooge over their most prized action figurines, then share photos (or *shudder* videos) over the internet for their handiwork to be critically evaluated by a forum of peers.
Rick: ‘OK, you’ve finally lost me dude.’
Greg: ‘I heard about this weird f***er on 4Chan . He kept a My Little Pony figurine in a glass jar, and spent months patiently trying to drown it in cum, one spurt at a time,
Greg: ‘It gets worse. He basically succeeded, drowning the sorry quadruped in his w*** juice. Then one day, he absent-mindedly stashed it too close to a radiator…’
Greg: ‘…and ended up literally broiling the poor Pony – ‘Rainbow Dash’, I believe – in spunk. To the point his jizz actually caramelised, and turned brown.’
Comparatively vanilla, this one: two or more pugilists beat themselves off, first to finish wins.
Greg: ‘Yeah, one of my favourite bits about growing up was learning that there was nothing to be ashamed of, and we basically all do it.’
Rick: ‘There’s a whole etiquette around Jizz Derby that I find fascinating. You ideally want to have porn on, so it doesn’t take ages, but you don’t want to see each other.’
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Ollie: ‘I remember doing it on the sofa in front of the telly, my mate lying behind the sofa with just his head sticking out. We both had a clear view of the porn, but not each other’s gurning chops. Honestly, it remains to this day the least faffy, most compatible sexual experience of my entire life.’
Rick: ‘Amen to that. We were all winners.’
Believe it or not, actual masturbation clubs exist for gents to go along and choke the chicken in a friendly, non-competitive and safe setting.
Ollie: [gets his phone out to google this] ‘Well. I’ll be damned.’
Ted: ‘I remember people talking about them back home in Melbourne. It��s cute really; for guys who aren’t necessarily gay, but just like to get off in the company of men.’
Ollie: ‘Just found one near here [in Mile End]. Ha, it says ‘no dress code’.’
Rick: ‘Imagine getting turned away from w***ing club. ‘Sorry sir, we don’t appreciate your kind in here!’’
Paul: ‘I’d give it a miss. My favourite thing about jacking off is I get a bit of peace and quiet for five minutes.’
Ollie: [still reading his phone] ‘It says here it’s only six quid entry, and that includes a drink.’
Paul: ‘That’s not bad for East London. F*** it, where do I sign up?’
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If any loop types are missing from the game's loop pool, Jrk-It will fall back to default options.

Creating your own content on Jrk-It might seem a bit confusing at first. First and formost, trying other peoples games and content will give you some idea of what to expect when trying to use the creation tools.

This page will give you some idea of how Jrk-It games work and thier components. Shout out to other comunity members if you are still struggling to create the game you want.

A simple Jrk-It game consits of a collection of "Loops" of various types, these can be shared and used by multiple users.
One start loop is chosen randomly from the games 'loop pool' to kick off the game.

The game plays mainly Stroke loops chosen at random (the game will try to avoid loop repetition where it can).
A varient can play instead of a Stroke loop based on the % chance set by the "Varient Slider":

Which varient is chosen is based on the chances set in the next game setting slider:

Edge and Ruined varients can be capped to prevent them occuring more than you want.

The game time is randomly selected between the 2 numberes entered into the game time select option:

Once the game time has elapsed, Jrk-It will choose one of 3 game endings based on the % chances set with the game ending sliders.

Finaly the game will choose one ending of the chosen type from all the endings in the game's loop pool.

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