Jerk That Little Dicklet Jerk That Little Dicklet Cover

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I remember it like it was yesterday. My family was sitting in a church pew while the entire congregation had their heads bowed in prayer. In the celestial silence I heard my 2-year-old son scream.
He was standing on the seat beside me, pointing to his newfound erection, and I couldn’t help but laugh. So did everyone else sitting within earshot of our family. Sacrilegious or not, it was hilarious.
Any parent can attest that when a little boy discovers he has a penis, all social norms go out the door. They will grab, pull and point out their private parts in public with the greatest of enthusiasm. (They also tend to be completely confused when you explain that not everyone has one.)
For every mom who wonders if her son is the only one obsessed with his genitalia, never fear. These 10 hilarious stories prove every boy is the king of his own penis party.
A mom of three shared that her youngest son, just a tad over 2, had recently discovered the joys of being a nudist — along with his ability to water the plants with his penis. She’d just dressed her little one and turned around to talk to me, when he peeled off his clothes and started urinating on the front lawn. “Stop it!” she yelled. His response: “But Mom, I want to pee on everything!”
One mom of two recalled how her 3-year-old, wanting to decorate his penis, wrapped a Jake and the Neverland Pirates Band-Aid around it. She was completely freaked out, which caused him to also panic. Upset, she called her husband, who had absolutely no chill either. She finally calmed down and realized warm, soapy water would solve their sticky problem quickly and painlessly (even though her husband was already on his way home to save his son’s manhood).
A first-time mommy diligently taught her then-1-year-old the correct terminology for his body, including his boy parts. She remembers the first time he used the proper word for his genitalia while sitting in the tub, pulling and stretching himself so vigorously she worried he might seriously do some damage. All fears were cast aside when her son announced, “Mommy! My penis feels great!”
A mom of two remembered the time her young son thought his penis was doing performance art. “He stared at his penis and proudly told me, ‘Look, Ma! He’s dancin’!’”
An aunt and mother shared the time she heard her nephew refer to his privates as a ballpark favorite. “He said his ‘hot dog’ hides in the bath when the water gets cold. My sister and brother-in-law have no idea where that came from!”
A mother of a now fully grown, adult son laughed while sharing her fond memory of his public masturbation on an Amtrak train. “We were headed to San Diego, and I had to tell my son, who was wrist-deep in his own shorts, [that] that sort of thing is totally OK in the privacy of his own bedroom but isn’t appropriate for public display.”
One mom realized her son thought everyone had a penis — or at least needed one. “When our daughter was born, her older brother inquired about why she didn’t have a penis. When we told him she didn’t have one, he said, ‘That’s OK, she’ll grow one when she gets bigger.’”
A mother of two adult sons shared her eldest son’s humorous misunderstanding about peeing on the floor. “When my second son was born in my mother’s spacious bathroom, I sat on the heated tile floor, holding him in my arms. We were surrounded by friends and family who cheered as my newborn peed a nice arc in the air. The next morning, my 3-year-old stood and peed on the living room floor. He seemed bewildered by the lack of comparable enthusiasm by those same adults seated nearby!”
One 3-year-old asked his mom why girls peed out of their butts instead of their dinkles . “He was so confused!” she recalls.
Imagine hearing your son scream, “Mom, it’s growing, it’s growing!” from behind the shower curtain. One mom rushed to see what the commotion was about and found her son standing up with his penis in his hands, with a look of complete shock.
Clearly boys begin their fascination with their penises from an early age, and from what I’ve gathered now that my sons are nearly 16 and 18, that excitement about their genitals never fades away.
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Enrique Iglesias recently boasted about having a tiny...well, you know. Oddly, he's not the first big star to brag about a little package
When Enrique Iglesias boasted about having a tiny...well, you know...it kind of actually impressed us. (Refreshingly honest, right?) But he's not the first. From Shia LaBoeuf to Howard Stern, here are more big stars who cop to having less than huge packages.
His father may have crooned about all the girls he loved before, but Enrique Iglesias has a more modest approach. During an interview on Australian TV years ago, the 41-year-old singer delivered a humble brag for the ages when he claimed, "I have the smallest penis in the world." He wasn't joking. (In 2005, Iglesias gave an interview to the Houston Press in which he made a similar boast: "The next product I'm gonna put my name on is extra-small condoms. I can never find extra-small condoms, and I know it's really embarrassing for people—you know, from experience.") As if that weren't honest enough, Iglesias told the astonished Aussie audience, "I don't even last eight minutes now."
For years, Howard Stern has made fun of his own member, famously declaring he was "hung like a pimple." In a 1994 Rolling Stone cover story , the magazine asked Stern about his surprising honesty: "I think I might as well be up front about it," he replied. "No guy will ever admit to having a small penis. I just went on the record. I might be one of the smallest guys in the world." Stern also revealed that at one point he'd wanted his book Private Parts to be titled Penis "because I thought if it went onto The New York Times' best-seller list, it would be `Howard Stern's Penis. ' And they'd have to write `Howard Stern's Penis is No. 1.'"
He's friends with a guy named Wee Man, but Jackass star Johnny Knoxville also claims to be one. "I have a penis like an egg in a nest," he told Rolling Stone in 2001. "It looks like a light switch. Seriously." But even little ones can have big problems. In 2010, Knoxville confessed to Vanity Fair about the injuries he's sustained doing his various Jackass stunts. "I broke my penis about three years ago trying to back-flip a motorcycle," he admitted. "So that didn't help its appearance—although it's pretty cute."
After divorcing Tom Arnold in 1994, Roseanne Barr went on Saturday Night Live and revealed that her ex had a three-inch penis. Fortunately, Arnold had a good sense of humor about it and delivered the perfect comeback—"What's small?" he asked. "Hell, even a 747 looks small if it lands in the Grand Canyon." Several years later, he made peace with the incident in his memoir, How I Lost Five Pounds in Six Years : "My penis is fine," Arnold wrote. "Maybe because I undersell it. If someone expects petite and gets medium, they're impressed."
While discussing how he lost his virginity in a 2009 interview with Playboy , Shia LaBeouf overshared about being underwhelming. "I remember putting a pillow underneath her because I had seen that in a porn movie," he told the magazine. "It put her at a weird angle, where I couldn't get in correctly. I'm not extremely well-endowed...and clearly this wasn't the move."
During an appearance on Inside the Actor's Studio , the British comedian spoke pretty frankly about his endowment: 'I don't want to go into it but I'm not built, its average, I'm 5 foot 8 it's in proportion, don't worry about it." He then continued, "I'd look weird with a foot long knob wouldn't I? It'd be ridiculous, also I'd faint if I got an erection as all the blood would be in there. It's fine, it's fine, really it's average."
One more for good measure: Ever since it was removed during an autopsy in 1821, Napoleon Bonaparte's penis has been the stuff of legend. And not for the right reasons. When the French emperor's tiny scepter went on display in a New York exhibition in 1927, Time magazine reported that it resembled a "shriveled eel." According to Tom Perrottet, author of Napoleon's Privates , it was eventually purchased by John Lattimer, a New Jersey doctor who collected odd relics, but he never displayed it. After Lattimer's death, his daughters finally showed Perrottet the puny prize. "It was kind of an amazing thing to behold," he told NPR in 2008. "There it was: Napoleon's penis sitting on cotton wool, very beautifully laid out, and it was very small, very shriveled, about an inch and a half long. It was like a little baby's finger."

We were visiting my Aunt Janet and some other relatives over in Pennsylvania. Seemed like we never visited them; at least, I could never remember being in Harrisburg before.

We saw my Uncle Harold that day. Only time I ever saw the old man, he died when I was 13. He took an instant liking to me though. He didn't like anyone, that old man, but he liked me. My brother and sister were jealous when Uncle Harold gave me a brand new Baseball. It was so big to me at the time...I couldn't even hold it right in my hand.

We ended up staying a bit later than planned. It's a three hour drive from Harrisburg to Pittsburgh, and we were planning to go there, spend part of the day, and drive back to Pittsburgh where we were visiting other relatives, my Grandma, in particular.

First we were just there through dinner. Then it came time for supper. "You CAN'T leave now, and drive all that way hungry, Junior," they said to Dad.

They always called Dad Junior, since he was named after his Daddy. I wondered since I was named after my Daddy, should I be called "Third"?

Grandaddy was dead anyway, long before I was born. Sometimes I wished I knew him. But then Daddy always said he was drunk a lot, and mean often. Maybe it was better not to have met the man. Daddy still loved him though, I could tell.

"I can drive hungry," my Dad informed my Aunt. "But what about your kids, Junior? I bet they want to eat, don't you kids?" My siblings and I gave Dad the "Bambi Eyes". For once they worked. Sometimes they worked, even on Dad. Mom was easier.

We stayed for supper. We stayed for desert. And then my sister and I played with our little Cousin, Shannon. She was Aunt Janet's Granddaughter, really our third cousin. She was also spoiled rotten. Cried if she didn't get her way. She got her way a lot.

My brother sat at the table and talked with the men. I don't think he enjoyed it much. It didn't LOOK like much fun, just sitting there and talking. He would have had more fun playing marbles with us. But, that's what you gotta do when you grow up, I guess.

It was getting near night. We ran outside and caught fireflies. "Glowbugs" we called them. Every once in awhile you would catch a moth too, and then let it go. It was fun to see who could catch the largest moth...once my sister caught one that had at least a 5 inch wingspan, but we teased her and said it was really a bat. A white bat.

When at last Daddy noticed the time, it was too late to drive back. Probably my Aunt's plan all along.

"We can't stay HERE, Aunt Janet," my Dad said for what had to be the fifth time. "Where would you put all of us? We'll be fine, the kids can sleep in the car on the way back."

"And have you wake them up all over again when you get back to Pittsburgh. They won't be well rested, and neither will you. And you KNOW how hard of hearing your mother is! What if she doesn't hear you knocking to get in? Then what will you do?"

Daddy was out of arguments. My Aunt had an extra room, my brother would stay with Uncle Harold. I claimed I should be the one to stay with Uncle Harold, but they believed my brother should because he was older and could get along without Mom.

My sister was in the room with Aunt Janet. Shannon was displaced to a sleeping bag in the living room. She didn't complain, as this meant she would get to stay up longer.
I was going to be sleeping where Shannon always slept. This sounded reasonable at first, although I was mildly ruffled at having to sleep in a 3 year old girls bed. It would probably be something dumb, like pink or something.

I was in for a shock.

When we entered the room, there was a large double bed for my parents, and a......I couldn't believe it! A white CRIB, covered with pink bunnies and of course, pink nursery printed sheets.

"WHAT!?" I stared at it in disbelief! "No way! I'm NOT sleeping in a crib! I'm SEVEN!!" I stated, crossing my arms. As far as I was concerned, this argument was over. They'd just have to put me somewhere else!

"Is that so?" my mother said. "Well mister, you've got another thing coming. I WAS going to let you have the side down while you slept in there, but since you are acting like an ungrateful spoiled BABY, a crib is where you belong...with the side UP!"

My Dad came into the room then. "Dad," I complained. "Mom says I have to..."

"If your mother says you have to, then you have to," he cut me off. "You know better than to try and use us against each other."

"Sorry," I muttered. He was right. I DID know better. But this was just too much!

My mother stripped me down to my underwear to sleep in. Grumbling about it, I began to climb into the crib. Just as I got in, my mother said, "Hold on just a minute."

I stopped and looked at her. "I think you should be punished for being so ungrateful," my mother told me. She was looking thoughtfully at the diaper stacker that hung from the side of the crib. She pulled one out and looked at it.

"Must be for Shannon," she mused. "Toddler diapers. They're pretty big. Probably even big enough to fit you!" She began to smile now.

My eyes grew large as she unfolded the pink diaper. "Oh no, Mom! Don't make me do that. PLEASE don't make me wear a diaper!"

My pleas fell on deaf ears as she gently pushed me onto my back in the crib. In one quick motion she whisked my underwear off, and slid the diaper under me. "If you are going to act like a naughty child, we will just have to dress you like one," she said.

She found some baby powder and sprinkled it on me, then snugly fastened the diaper using the tapes that were on it.

Meanwhile, I was realizing that this didn't feel half bad, and was struggling inwardly with the fact that this was a punishment. My mother finished diapering me, then said, "Now you go out to the living room, and tell everyone goodnight."

Embarrassed, I toddled out to the living room, constantly aware of the huge thick diaper between my legs. It crinkled loudly, and I couldn't put my legs together. It made me have to walk funny.
When I went into the Living room, my sister nearly choked at seeing me in the diaper. She giggled as I went from person to person, saying goodnight.

"That's all right, Honey," my aunt said when I got to her. "Little babies need to be diapered at night. Nothing at all wrong with that." She patted my diapered bottom. "Just like your little cousin Shannon over there."

I looked over at to see she was indeed wearing one of the diapers. It was slightly large on her, slightly small on me. Still, it fit.

I finally was able to go to bed. I climbed into the crib, and my mother put the side up. I tossed and turned for awhile, aware of the diapers and wondering why they felt so good to me.

I awoke in the middle of the night. It was dark, and I realized I was trapped in the crib...and i had to go pee.....really bad. I wondered for a moment about calling out to my mother to let me out, then realized something. I was wearing a diaper. What would it feel like to just wet it, like a real baby? I might as well put it to good use!

I relaxed myself and tried to go. It took a few minutes, but finally I was able to let go and let the warm pee into my diapers. It was actually a good feeling I realized. Warm and tingling, and the diaper held it all. I fell back asleep, feeling warm, safe, and secure.

In the morning, I awoke to find the diaper had become cold and clammy. Now I just wanted out of it. My mother put the crib side do
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