Jerf Off
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Jerf Off
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Want to learn how to jack off? The best way is usually the one that simply feels the best, though some might look for a way to do it faster, or a way to be quieter, or even something that is more exciting than the typical sexual fun. Every method is different, just as every person is different. But once you find the best way, you might keep going back to that one method over and over again.
Here are a variety of ways to “choke the chicken” or “beat the bishop” that will have you enjoying yourself much more thoroughly than you do right now.
Using a bit of lube, cover your finger and the tip of your penis with the slick stuff. Then twirl your finger around and around the head of your penis until you approach orgasm. Go faster when you get closer.
Use one hand as you normally would, but place the other above or below that one, and use both of them to maintain the motion you need to have an orgasm. You might be surprised by how much harder your orgasm is!
Most people masturbate by moving their hand up and down. Instead, to experience the best way to jerk yourself off, make a fist with your hand and push into it, as though you were having sex with someone.
When you are very close, remove your hand. You might feel the throbbing of an orgasm, but you will ejaculate very little. Allow yourself to calm down a bit, then go again. The second time around is even better.
Why just use lube on your penis? Some like to use it everywhere, and use their free hand to tickle their testicles or play with their anal area. This kind of play will make you more inclined to try other things in the future once you see how good it feels.
Masturbate standing up in front of the sink. When you are just about to get off, push the head of your penis underneath a thin stream of cold water. The sensation will be intense, and as a bonus, you will be all cleaned up when you are done.
As you are using one hand in the best way to jerk off, use the other to press hard on the skin between your testicles and your anus. This area is right over the prostate gland. Your orgasm will be more intense if you keep up the pressure at that spot.
When you are masturbating, have a bowl of very warm water nearby. Right before you are ready to get off, dip your balls into that warm water, all while still masturbating. It is said to make the orgasm much more intense.
When you are masturbating like you usually do, use your free hand to pull down on your testicles. This will tighten the skin around your shaft and lead to an entirely different sensation. You might have to use lube with this one to keep from having too much friction.
Sit on one of your hands until it is tingly – that “falling asleep” feeling. Then use that hand to masturbate. It might feel like someone else is working on your penis until you get off. Strange, but nice.
Look into the mirror as you masturbate. Bonus points if you use a mirror in which you can’t see your face, so you can imagine who might be jerking you off – someone other than yourself!
Call a halt to all your masturbation activities for one week. It might seem impossible, but you can do it! And it might be your best way to jerk yourself off. Next time you start, you will get off very quickly, and the sensation will be extremely intense.
Instead of jerking up and down, why not twist your hands from side to side? This swiveling around your penis can feel strange, but you might be surprised how quickly you can get off, especially if you use warming lube while you do it.
Rather than masturbate as you normally do, push your penis down between your legs. Lube up your thighs and close them tightly. Then move just slightly enough to get a bit of friction going. You can also tuck your testicles under while you do this.
When you are getting close, stop the stroking and slap your penis against your belly and your thighs. Do this in a rhythmic fashion, and soon you will be close again. Slap harder at the big finish.
Use a heating pad on your penis for a few minutes. At the same time, submerge your hand in very cold water. Get yourself hard, then use the icy hand to masturbate.
Instead of using your hands, hump a few pillows on the bed and imagine that you are having sex with someone. The friction of the bed underneath you feels heavenly and your hands are free to play with other parts of your body.
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Last Updated 04 June, 2022.
https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/jerk+me+off
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1. verb, vulgar slang To masturbate or bring someone to orgasm, especially a male.
2. verb, rude slang To waste or pass time idly or by doing nothing or engaging in foolish behavior. Would you quit jerkin' off and help me move this sofa out to the truck?
3. noun, rude slang A thoroughly incompetent, foolish, bumbling, or useless person. In this usage, the phrase is often hyphenated. I can't believe that jerk off got elected to the Senate! Get off the road before you kill someone, jerk-off!
To pull, yank, or lift someone or something off or away from some place or thing. A noun or pronoun can be used between "jerk" and "off." I hastily jerked off the coupon and presented it to the clerk. After searching his pockets for anything dangerous or illegal, the police officers jerked the suspect off the ground and marched him over to the squad car.
Farlex Dictionary of Idioms. © 2022 Farlex, Inc, all rights reserved.
to snatch or quickly pull something off someone or something. (Of is usually retained before pronouns.) Alice jerked the top off the box and poured out the contents. She jerked off the box top.
McGraw-Hill Dictionary of American Idioms and Phrasal Verbs. © 2002 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
Also, jack off . Masturbate, as in His roommate was always jerking off . [ Vulgar slang ; first half of 1900s]
The American Heritage® Dictionary of Idioms by Christine Ammer. Copyright © 2003, 1997 by The Christine Ammer 1992 Trust. Published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. All rights reserved.
To masturbate. Used chiefly of males.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of Phrasal Verbs. Copyright © 2005 by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. Published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. All rights reserved.
in. to masturbate. (see also beat off. Usually objectionable .) That kid spends all his time jerking off.
McGraw-Hill's Dictionary of American Slang and Colloquial Expressions Copyright © 2006 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
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What you don't see can be way worse than what you see.
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Is it all a metaphor for something you’re using right this very second?
The CW's new Batman Jr. show looks like the next "Birds of Prey."
Like monkeys and Pokemon , masturbation is evolving. Our ancestors used to put a stick covered in termites in their proto-dicks to get off. Nowadays, we have robots that will give us space-age handies with a kung fu grip and lube designed by NASA, I assume. The NASA security guys won't let me snoop around, but I know what I know.
As with all things, though, we must ask: Is newer better? Sure, if you're dying of a terrible disease, you can go to a hospital for treatment with modern medicine, but some people still like the idea of using herbs to clear up a sucking chest wound. Who knows what might work? So with that in mind, I have decided to put my very body on the line to help you , fellow jackers, determine just what is the best method of wanking. Do the olden ways stand up to today's modern superjackoffery? Science will tell us!
I don't have a degree in anthropology or dick tuggery, but I am an amateur in both. It is therefore my nonprofessional belief that the origin of masturbation is connected to the right wrist. Even for you lefties. Back in the day, you wouldn't dare touch your precious genitals with your sinister devil's paw. Only the right hand would do.
So we can agree that masturbation probably first happened with a bare hand -- probably well before the 1920s, if you can believe it. Maybe one day, our monkey ancestor was sitting in his tree, lounging under a palm frond, enjoying some delicious papaya, when some of it slipped and landed on his little monkey dinky. He reached for it, grabbed both together, pulled, and suddenly we had nuclear power, iPhones, and Hot Pockets.
As it happens, I have tried this old chestnut myself once or twice, but for science, I did it again. So I hope that right now, you're picturing me literally stopping my writing of this article right here, pushing my chair back a little bit, pulling out the mayo, and starting to churn my own butter. Try to imagine some sound effects, like a grunt of consternation, a chipmunk-like tittering, and the bass growl of a tired and hungry bear.
Did you picture it? Monster. Anyway, I'm sure nearly all of you are aware that this is aces. It's hard to beat the good cheer brought about by your own hand. It knows just what you like, and if you're not too callused (or maybe you are and you dig texture), then it feels just fine, too. For you ladies, try to imagine something you really enjoy the feel of, repeatedly and rhythmically working your lady flower. I'm told by our research team that female masturbation is actually a thing these days as well, and has more fans than paddle boarding, so maybe imagine that.
As many fellows will tell you, about a year or two after you've mastered the hand technique, your mind starts wandering. Your hand is one thing in a world of many things. Probably, like, 400 things. What would those other 399 things feel like if they were jerking your gherkin? So you start experimenting. Maybe it's Halloween and you have a pumpkin handy. Maybe your beanbag chair sprung a leak and has an appropriately-sized orifice barfing beans in your room. Maybe you have a slice of ham.
I'm not saying there's anything inherently sexy about ham. I'm not saying you can't use turkey, or even tofurky, if you swing that way. I'm really just advocating the texture more than anything -- which, upon rereading this sentence, is somehow even more gross. Still, an industrious-yet-lonely man with a boner is basically a sexual MacGyver.
If you're not picking up what I'm putting down yet, allow me to elucidate. For this particular solo mission to Dribblesville, you need to take a slice of deli ham -- and in this case, you don't necessarily want it super thin -- and maybe pop it in the microwave for 10 seconds. Maybe you want it in a piece of bread for added grip, I don't know. I don't want to be the conductor on this train to penile trichinosis; I'm just sharing information. Point is, you wrap warm meat around your cyclopean flesh carrot, and strum away like Clapton performing his final concert.
This is a lot like regular masturbation, only the smell is much more off-putting. Have you smelled deli ham lately? Give it a try. Then rub it aggressively on your crotch for a few minutes. The porcine groin bouquet is a bit sweet and a bit musky -- kind of like what you might expect from a corpse, or a Kardashian when no cameras are around. I can't recommend it.
Also, for safety's sake, you may want to give the ham a few seconds of downtime before drafting it to the big game, since microwaves are all programmed to heat on the 10/70/20 pattern, whereby 20 percent is lukewarm, 70 percent is mostly what you had in mind, and 10 percent is a state of bubbling plasma that could burn through an engine block, or in this case, your dong.
Fleshlight has apparently sold over seven million units worldwide. Heh. "Unit." Each one is like that horrible monster that Coach pukes up in Poltergeist , only instead of a demonic preacher's face, it's a molded rubbery vagina or bumhole. There's a reason Fleshlight hasn't hired me as an ad man. That aside, the inside of a Fleshlight is soft, squishy, and textured with various nubs, swirls, and ridges. The basic goal of a Fleshlight was to make a vagina into a handheld device; an idea that will get exponentially creepier the more time you devote to thinking about it.
Patented in 1998, the Fleshlight was the answer to the warm meat conundrum: How can I rub my chub in a way that is more exotic and satisfying than using my hand, but will not leave a slime trail of salmonella bacteria on my sack? Many people claim the Fleshlight is even better than the real thing, at which point we're left to consider whether by "real thing" they mean their hand -- which of course they don't mean -- or an actual human vagina -- which, sadly, they do mean. The existential sadness of anyone claiming that a disembodied rubber vag-sleeve is better than having sex with another person is something no Cracked columnist can dare take on without some serious alcohol to fuel the poetic ennui that will follow. I refuse the challenge, because I have masters to bate and a soul that still glows a little when you say nice things to it. Maybe one day, if I ever willingly take a nap on a back alley mattress and start agreeing with things Donald Trump says, I'll be able to revisit this idea, but until then, no. No sir.
Now, this isn't to say a Fleshlight is an unpleasant experience. If you have the chance, you go ahead and pork that little rubber fun hole. It's not bad at all. I would argue that a Fleshlight is to sex what Taco Bell is to a Mexican banquet. It's not really in the ballpark, and sure, some snotty people who think they're better than you will make fun of it. But you know what? When you're drunk at 2 a.m., that shit is a godsend.
The major downside to the Fleshlight is that it's a lot like manual labor. Masturbating with your hand affords you that flesh-to-flesh connection. It's not work; it's personal grooming. You're cleaning your pipes. But the Fleshlight in hand makes it a bit more like mixing a never-ending martini that you can't drink -- and instead of an olive, you're garnishing it with man nectar that you need to hose out the end of a length of flopping, disembodied, pseudo-vaginal canal.
I want you to put on your 3D glasses, hop on your hoverboard, and start eating astronaut ice cream, because the future of tugging on your tuber is now. The Autoblow 2 is the most advanced form of wanking mankind has to offer. After this, we can only design robot arms with gentle-yet-firm jacking motions. And you know after the preliminary trials, the whole project is going to be set back when one goes haywire and yanks some volunteer's dick off with such force that it gets javelined across a room and embedded in a brick wall.
The Autoblow takes the basic premise of a Fleshlight -- a fake, semi-realistic vagina with a tail -- and adds a new dimension of awesome that the old Fleshlight failed miserably at achieving. This dimension is, of course, autonomy. You can read a damn book while this thing grinds your organ. You'll probably need to balance it between your thighs a little, or wedge it slightly between yourself and a pillow. But with only a little effort, you're doing your taxes, you're eating pudding, you're braiding your hair, whatever. Sky's the limit.
The clear upside of the Autoblow is that it finally takes masturbation out of your hands. You just have to be comfortable with a Donkey Kong-esque barrel on your junk. It has variable speeds as well, so you can go from lazy Quaalude mumble-munch to Furious 7 Vin Diesel power gulp. The downside to the Autoblow, depending on how you feel about noise, is that it sounds like you're being blown by the factory from the end The Terminator . Just a cacophony of churning, rumbling gears, and actuators slouching along towards Jizzrael.
The other issue here is one of balance. The Autoblow's big selling point is that it saves you the dreaded carpal tunnel and wrist stress of all compulsive masturbators before you, but it's still not entirely hands-free. It's got girth -- it's like you're trying to fuck a two-liter bottle of root beer that's really into it -- but you either have to hold it up or, as I said, find some way to balance it. Or as a last ditch effort, you need to stand and place it at wang level with something to weigh it down and just be there, in the moment. A dude with his dick in a blowie machine.
Has technology improved the wank? Have our advances in texturized rubbers improved our alone time? Is the handjob your grandfather's handjob? After thorough consideration, weighing all pros and cons, I have to conclude that traditional, you-and-your-dirty-kielbasa-claw masturbation is still the best form. Why? Ease of use. It's as simple as that. Sure, the Autoblow is an impressive sensation, but can you do that on an elevator with a hole cut in the pocket of your dress pants without anyone else noticing? Not at all. Are you taking a few minutes out of your workday to "go to the bathroom" and bringing a Fleshligh
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