Jeff Bezos Penis

Jeff Bezos Penis

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We’re unendingly fascinated by leaked intimate images of nude celebrities
If reports are true, Jeff Bezos’s penis is on the verge of going viral — waltzing off alone into the great unknown of cyberspace and there, under the glare of a billion eyeballs, having its power as an agent of chaos and shame amplified immeasurably.
As you read this, you can be sure battalions of Bezos lawyers are working around the clock to keep the Bezos penis where it has hitherto always been: billeted, shrouded, presumably, in the comfortable privacy of mankind’s finest breathable linens. Good luck to them, for they will have their work cut out. If the National Enquirer really does have the close-up photos it is claimed it has, and is minded to publish them, then precedent suggests no power on Earth will be able to silence the little fella’s cry freedom. And then onto each of...
If reports are true, Jeff Bezos’s penis is on the verge of going viral — waltzing off alone into the great unknown of cyberspace and there, under the glare of a billion eyeballs, having its power as an agent of chaos and shame amplified immeasurably.
As you read this, you can be sure battalions of Bezos lawyers are working a round the clock to keep the Bezos penis where it has hitherto always been: billeted, shrouded, presumably, in the comfortable privacy of mankind’s finest breathable linens. Good luck to them, for they will have their work cut out. If the National Enquirer really does have the close-up photos it is claimed it has, and is minded to publish them, then precedent suggests no power on Earth will be able to silence the little fella’s cry freedom. And then onto each of us will fall the heavy duty of witness. Are you really sure you’re ready for that?
Since his ‘sexts’ to Lauren Sanchez went public earlier this month, Bezos has come in for much mockery. Personally, I think the messages are rather lovely – gentle adumbrations of a constant longing rather than the dry throated vocalizations of a knickers-off urgency. ‘I want to smell you, I want to breathe you in. I want to hold you tight…I want to kiss your lips…I love you. I am in love with you.’ There’s nothing there that will cause me to pause or feel queasy before redeeming the Amazon voucher I was gifted by my mother for Christmas. And who hasn’t struggled in the face of a blank piece of paper, or phone screen, to articulate feelings of deep affection in a way that doesn’t seem idiotic? There’s a reason we celebrate Shakespeare. It’s very hard indeed. Affection, I mean, not the other thing.
That said, it’s only human to relish a potential dick pic indignity befalling the world’s richest man. Once out there there’s no getting it back, we all know that, $140 billion in the bank or no. But the reason we’re unendingly fascinated by leaked intimate images of nude celebrities – and lately they seem to come at us with a frequency that is scarcely credible – isn’t because we’re disgusted. The opposite. We’re relieved. The photos (or videos) are proof positive they’re just like us, the rich and famous. Look: an ill thought out photo of a gleaming erection to demonstrate beyond argument the world’s most successful man operates, just like you, within the often ridiculous parameters of the human condition. Master of the universe, perhaps, but slave to his passions. Feel better now? It’s no cakewalk, being a human male. Not appearing daft can be a full time job.
For my part, I hope the Bezos dick pics never see the light of day. Because what’s the point of this ever quickening technological march if we lose the ability to send a simple picture of our genitals to one another in peace? Kingsley Amis is credited with saying being a man is like spending ‘50 years chained to an idiot’ and he was right. But we know that already. It’s been established again and again and again. Must we really now set the Bezos dick free to have it proved afresh? ‘You can’t fight chemistry,’ Bezos apparently told Sanchez. He’s right. Nor biology. Give the guy a break.
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Amazon founder Jeff Bezos blasted himself into the lower reaches of outer space on Tuesday morning, in a rocket that looks an awful lot like a penis. It’s not the first time the union-busting , urine-bottling billionaire has drawn comparisons to Dr. Evil, but this time there’s video evidence:
The resemblance between the rocket that carried Jeff Bezos into space and male genitalia was so striking it inspired Jon Stewart to post a high-production value sketch promoting his upcoming Apple TV+ show, The Problem With Jon Stewart :
Sorry for the aborted launch!!! I’m a bad twitterer. Enjoy this small step for man! pic.twitter.com/6gBHHJLByQ
To find out why Jeff Bezos’ rocket ship looks so much like a gigantic, erect penis, we spoke with Daniel Ramspacher, a propulsion engineer at NASA Goddard Space Center, who requested that we clearly state upfront that he was not speaking on behalf of his employer. Our conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.
Matthew Dessem: Let’s get right to it. Why is Jeff Bezos’ rocket shaped so much like a penis?
Daniel Ramspacher: Well, for lots of reasons, honestly. I mean, obviously most rockets are quite phallic. This one specifically, they took the approach of pretty much all the commercial space programs, where they go suborbital. So they don’t go fully into orbit, similar to what we at NASA back in the sixties. So the rocket’s relatively small. Everything in our industry is more or less based on heritage. It’s like, “Well, what have we used in the past? What can we leverage? How can we reduce risk or reduce cost?” So the rocket is—
Would you say there’s a heritage of shapes in rocketry leading towards Bezos’ rocket? It seems to me like this one’s kind of a leap forward.
No. Well, specifically for this, the unusual rocket was the New Shepard. The New Glenn is their next launch vehicle, which is much larger and is designed specifically for the capsule that sits on top of the New Shepard .
So the reason why it’s a little bit larger is because the launch vehicle, the rocket, the next version is wider. What you’re looking at in the rocket is basically a bunch of tanks linearly stacked onto one another. That’s all that basically is. That and some computers and the rocket engines at the base. They knew they weren’t going into orbit, so they sized the tanks appropriately, and it’s a relatively small diameter. They designed the capsule for the next series of rockets. They didn’t want to make the tanks too large.
So they reduced the girth of the shaft, but kept the capsule at the top the same size, which gave it that distinctive shape.
What advice would you give Bezos if he wanted make the next stage of this project, the New Glenn or whatever, even more phallic?
I would not do that. I think it’s going to end up making it worse for him.
What’s next for the future of rocketry? Are there any new developments that are going to make rockets look more like penises?
No, I would say they’re going to be more and more like just long slender tubes. This is probably the most phallic-looking spacecraft you’re going to see, if I had to guess.
Do you think that will be Bezos’ lasting legacy in space, that he built the rocket that looked the most like a dick?
I don’t think so. Hopefully he’ll make it a little bit easier and cheaper to get into space.
Well, competing visions, I guess, for the future there.
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The National Enquirer also alleges the loved-up couple held romantic rendezvous on his private jet and at each other's marital homes
AMAZON boss Jeff Bezos sent a photograph of his "big" willy to lover Lauren Sanchez in a string of sex text messages, it's been claimed.
The tech tycoon - worth a staggering $140bn - also reportedly told the married TV star he was "full of love" for her and wanted to wake her up "and not be quite so gentle" with her.
In addition to shirtless photographs, he is also said to have sent Sanchez an "unsparing" photograph of his genitals and 'sexts' which were apparently too graphic to publish, according to a National Enquirer source speaking to the New York Post .
The original National Enquirer story alleged that the loved-up couple held romantic rendezvous on his private jet and had sleepovers at each other's marital homes.
The world's richest man and his lover are also said to have stayed in hotels together - including one in Boston hours after the rest of his family had checked out.
It's claimed Bezos' wife MacKenzie feared an affair when she looked at his $65m Gulfstream jet's passenger list and found Sanchez's name was the only one on it.
His alleged text messages date back to April and are at the heart of claims that married Bezos, 54 — who is getting divorced — had a secret eight-month affair with Sanchez, 49.
During that time they are reported to have had a romantic liaison in a private bungalow in the Beverly Hills Hotel.
They also stayed together at the Intercontinental Hotel in Boston just after his family were in the city for his son's graduation, according to the magazine.
Sources close to the National Enquirer investigation later have since told the New York Post that Sanchez was "loose lipped" about her relationship with the muscle-bound Amazon boss.
Sanchez reportedly sent the sexts to a friend to show off about her relationship - and then the pal sent them reporters at the Enquirer.
“Lauren’s over the moon (about their relationship),” said a source.
Another National Enquirer source who has seen the raunchier text messages - which the Enquirer didn’t publish, but that include explicit selfies - says Bezos has more than just a big bank account.
“He’s big,” said the insider referring to the naked pic.
Earlier we revealed how the raunchy texts allegedly sent by Amazon chief Bezos to a married Sanchez told of his lust for her.
The world’s richest man reportedly told Sanchez last May: “I want to smell you, I want to breathe you in.
“I want to hold you tight. . . . I want to kiss your lips . . . I love you.”
The previous month he is said to have texted: “I love you, alive girl. I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon.”
Another is said to have read: "I miss you. I want to kiss you right now and tuck you in slowly and gently.
"And maybe in the morning wake you up and not be quite so gentle with you."
Bezos released a statement on Wednesday saying he had amicably split from MacKenzie, 48 — his wife of 25 years .
But hours later his alleged affair with ex-TV anchor and helicopter pilot Sanchez was revealed after the explicit texts were reportedly obtained by The National Enquirer.
The mag said it had seen a “cache of selfies . . . so shocking that we dare not print them”.
It claimed they include shots of the billionaire posing by a mirror with his shirt off and another just wearing a towel around his waist in a steamy bathroom.
The Enquirer also says it has a “below the belt selfie” which is “too explicit to describe in detail” showing Bezos in an “unsparing close-up”.
It claims to have viewed texts between the two in which Bezos says her “energy and ideas and competence and SPIRIT turn me on”.
In another, he reportedly said: “My heart is growing just so it can have room for you. It’s bigger than it’s ever been and still swelling.”
The magazine claimed to have tracked the pair across 40,000 miles and five states — catching them meeting for illicit trysts six times in 14 days.
Bezos was said to have issued his joint divorce statement just 48 hours after his representatives had been called by the Enquirer about its story.
The magazine is an ally of President Donald Trump — a long-time enemy of Bezos , who owns the Washington Post — fuelling speculation that the story was politically motivated.
Last night the Enquirer featured pictures of Bezos and Sanchez at Santa Monica airport on October 30, where it says they took a ride in her personal helicopter to hike up Malibu Canyon.
Bezos is said to have had his wedding ring on.
The magazine also snapped them at dinner with two pals at the Capo Restaurant in Santa Monica that night — claiming they flirted openly.
It quoted a source as saying: “She was gazing into his eyes. It did not look like a business dinner. He began whispering in her ear and she was listening and gazing at him.”
The Enquirer claimed that MacKenzie once asked her husband why Sanchez was the only passenger listed on his private jet — but he dismissed it as business related.
Bezos got to know mum-of-three Sanchez through her estranged husband Patrick Whitesell during a bash attended by Hollywood A-listers.
Patrick, 53, is a mega-agent to stars including Matt Damon, Christian Bale, Kevin Costner and Hugh Jackman.
The Enquirer alleged that Bezos first tried to woo Sanchez at the premiere of the 2016 movie Manchester by the Sea.
It claimed he whispered to her: “You can’t fight chemistry.” Sanchez — who looks remarkably similar to Bezos’s novelist wife — is said to have grown closer to the magnate after working for him.
The TV presenter, who previously hosted US series So You Think You Can Dance and morning show Good Day LA, helped shoot an aerial video for his space venture Blue Origin.
The Enquirer said that in recent months the pair enjoyed rides in private jets, limos and helicopters — spending time on romantic hikes, and dinner dates.
It says they even spent “quality time in hidden love nests.”
However, both insist they did not cheat on their respective partners.
Sanchez, who has had small roles in films Fight Club and Ted 2, was publicly seen alongside the online retail mogul at Amazon’s Golden Globes party on Sunday.
Bezos released a statement on Twitter yesterday revealing that he and his wife had spent time apart during a trial separation.
It was not clear when the separation started, but it is thought he was first seen in public with Sanchez at a nightclub in October.
A source said: “Patrick and Lauren Sanchez have been separated for a while.
“Their marriage has been off and on for a while and they tried hard to fix things.” The couple got married in 2005.
Bezos and MacKenzie have four children aged between 13 and 18 — three biological sons and a daughter they adopted from China.
A lawyer representing Bezos told the Enquirer that it was “widely known” he and wife MacKenzie had been “long separated”.
Amazon’s vice president of corporate communications said last night: “Jeff remains focused on and engaged in all aspects of Amazon.”
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