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Earlier this month, we brought you an article about foreign men sounding off on the difficulties of having a Japanese wife. While some of their complaints were understandable and others were just downright silly (you can’t deal with tofu? C’mon!), international relationships in real life don’t always end as happily as in the movie "My Darling is a Foreigner."
Continuing the international marriage theme in a more unfortunate direction, we now bring you the voices of some foreign men who have gone through the experience of divorcing Japanese women. You might be surprised to learn that the main catalyst for divorce in each of their scenarios was rarely related directly to cultural differences. Instead, it seems that a combination of other factors played the decisive role.
While there is a certain allure to the thought of having a spouse from another country, such marriages also comes with their own hardships, and it is said that as many as 40% of international marriages end in divorce. Japanese blogger Madame Riri recently posted an article exploring this issue by sharing the stories of men who were asked to described the reasons they divorced their Japanese wives. Let’s take a look at some of those reasons.
First, practical issues concerning family and money played a large role in their decisions. One man mentions how he couldn’t afford to keep up with payments month after month. He tried to please his wife by buying a nice house, car, and going on overseas vacations. But such an extravagant lifestyle on top of paying off expensive school fees, child support from a previous marriage, and helping his wife’s parents financially proved to be too much:
“I think the reason for my divorce what that I mistakenly thought I could make everyone happy because I had a well-paying job. Ultimately, I couldn’t live up to those expectations.”
Another man was placed in a different terrible situation. According to him, although cultural misunderstandings were present in his marriage, they were not the root cause for divorce because he and his wife were both aware of and accepted the differences. Instead, it all boiled down to logistics:
“Because there was no one but me to take care of my aging parents, I would have had to leave Japan. Either I would have to bring my parents to Japan or my wife would have to bring her parents to Virginia.”
In the end, the couple decided to split. The man remarks that he and his ex-wife still love each other, but cannot be together due to the circumstances. Our hearts go out to you…
Like any other couple in the world, issues surrounding children can either make or break a relationship. Here’s what one man had to say about his experience:
“In my case, the reason for our divorce was simple. My wife wanted to have kids, and I didn’t. I’m not saying that the divorce wasn’t painful, but we could split fairly amicably. I ended up remarrying a woman who like me also doesn’t want children but would rather focus her energy on work.”
The next anecdote is a bit different, as the writer happens to be a foreign woman in a relationship with a Japanese man. They had once dated in the past, but the relationship eventually became strained due to their different ways of thinking and separate values, especially regarding work. However, after a period of 12 years, they have started dating again, only to be met with opposition from both families:
“My family is very opposed to this relationship. They like him as a person, but they don’t believe that he can make me happy. His parents feel the same way. We really do love each other, but I guess in reality love alone isn’t enough. It’s sad…”
Many men listed issues of love, sex, and compatibility as being big factors in their divorces. Here’s from a man whose marriage appears to be in a critical condition:
“I’m currently on the verge of getting divorced. Things have spiraled down to the point where my wife and I are discussing whether or not she will take the children back with her to Japan. If we split, the reason will be due to the absence of sex in our marriage. My wife seems to have lost all of her sex drive, although I still have mine. Apart from that, everything in our marriage was going well…”
Next, a man describes how he and his Japanese wife were married at a young age, which led to a conflict of interests as they grew older:
“When all of her friends were getting married, I was her boyfriend. When all of those friends were getting divorced, I should have realized what was going to happen. Many people blame their failed international marriage on cultural differences, but in our case it was simply avoiding responsibility on both of our ends.”
In his words, he was so young when they got married that he didn’t yet know what he really wanted to do in life. When he finally figured it out, that route didn’t include his wife. From her end, she became unhappy married to a husband who had to work 70-hour weeks of manual labor to support their living. In her loneliness she resorted to cheating on him with her ex-boyfriend. Because they weren’t honest enough at the onset about their real desires, their marriage arrived at a dead-end.
Next, a number of men remarked that their Japanese wives’ tendency to resort to anger or violence played a central role in leading to divorce. Let’s hear from a few of these cases.
“The reason that my marriage of 20 years failed was because my wife would often make a mountain out of a molehill. Many problems that could have been solved in a few minutes were blown out of proportion. It wasn’t good for our mental health.”
“I’m glad we got divorced. We split during our tenth year of marriage. I am now raising our two children in Australia. My ex-wife’s violent side was terrible. I couldn’t stand her lies anymore, or her neglect to our sons. It was a very bitter experience, but after getting divorced I am now living a much better lifestyle.”
The following comes from a man who has been married for seven years but whose marriage is rocky to say the least. He claims that married life would be easier if they didn’t have two young children:
“I heard this from my professor friend who specializes in international cultural exchange, but Japanese men and women are skilled at adapting themselves to different roles depending on the place and situation. For example, they almost seem to undergo a transformation in character when they change from a student into a working adult, or from a wife into a mother. I don’t know if this is related to my case at all, but my wife used to be a calm and carefree woman. But after the birth of first child, she became almost like onibaba” [Onibaba refers to a "demon-hag" in Japanese folklore that appears as an old woman and eats humans].
Now consider this bizarre case. I think anyone would want to divorce a wife like this, regardless of her nationality…
“I first began to have doubts about the future of our marriage after just returning from our honeymoon when my wife farted right in front of me. Because she had irritable bowel syndrome, it was really smelly. Our marriage crumbled apart like flakes of paint falling from a wall. She would steal food from my plate and take anything she wanted. And she was really demanding in bed – if I couldn’t meet her demands, she would pinch my ears, hit me in the ribs, or kick me down there.”
She probably couldn’t help the flatulence, but the rest of it? Yikes.
We hate to leave you with a such a gloomy ending, so let’s finish up on a more positive note with a man who encourages us all to find a partner who is a “perfect fit”:
“I’m in my mid-60s, and my Japanese wife is in her late 40s. We’ve been married for 23 years. We’ve been through good times and bad times, but have overcome them all and never had to think about getting divorced. I have been divorced twice before, and concluded that I just can’t get along with Western women. But regardless of whether you’re of the same nationality or not, as long as you’re willing to accept any cultural differences and respect one another, you have a chance to be happy.”
As we have seen, despite preconceived notions relating to cultural differences, men who have actually divorced their Japanese wives have a lot more to say about the matter. Issues surrounding mutual feelings of love, faith and compatibility seem to be at the heart of most cases, regardless of the nationality of each person.
Read more stories from RocketNews24.
-- Survey Reveals that 65.5% of Japanese Male Office Workers Have Considered Divorce
-- Four things to think about before you and your Japanese sweetheart tie the knot
-- Foreign men sound off on the difficulties of having a Japanese wife
Join the leaders of English Education for Children in Japan!
Well, apart from one or two extreme examples I think you could say that any of the above could apply to any marriage: money, marrying to young, opposition from families etc.
If the divorce rate amongst mixed Japanese/other marriages is 40% then I'd say that is about in line with most developed countries and in some cases a lower rate of divorce.
I'm currently on the verge of getting divorced. Things have spiraled down to the point where my wife and I are discussing whether or not she will take the children back with her to Japan. If we split, the reason will be due to the absence of sex in our marriage. My wife seems to have lost all of her sex drive, although I still have mine. Apart from that, everything in our marriage was going well
After 12 years in Japan, I've heard that one more than enough. One not listed here that was the reason for a friend of mine is that his wife ran away with his daughter, not sure if they got divorced before or after she "stole" his daughter though.
I was told by so many people not to ever marry a Japanese woman, seeing most of my friends either divorced or in a zombie marriage, I can say the advice has served me well.
And a hushed silence came from those of us who have married Japanese men...I think a western woman marrying japanese is WAY more extreme then these men complaining about their zombie sex lives. How about dealing with company sponsored hostess outings and the like... ??? Or the fact the sex industry is literally in every corner??? THAT is marriage issues.
Btw I'm very happily married...it just took a while to lay down the ground rules.
Not another one of these articles again.
they have started dating again, only to be met with opposition from both families. My family is very opposed to this relationship. They like him as a person, but they don't believe that he can make me happy. His parents feel the same way. We really do love each other, but I guess in reality love alone isn't enough.
How selfish to stand in the way of your children on some bogus pretext. Clearly it is the parents who--likely out of fear for their own comforts in old age--who will kibosh any chance the couple might have to enjoy a good life together after many years apart. No wonder the kids--even though they are adults--have learned that love counts for nothing. They can't even count on their parents' love and acceptance.
Generally, a spouse does not make you happy. Nor is your spouse responsible for your happiness. You have to be in a relationship already in a state of happiness and maintain your own happiness. That another human being is the source of your happiness is an illusion that is doomed.
But the speaker is correct, if the couple isn't prepared to stand up to family pressure, their love isn't enough. Better to learn that before they marry.
We have witnessed that Japanese spouses who accompany their husbands to the U.S., are reluctant or unwilling to assimilate or adjust to American society whether it be food, social contacts or other. They whine and complain that what they were accustomed to in Japan is not present here. They are a miserable lot who not uncommonly flee back to Japan with their children.
I don't think there is a 'Canadian' type or an 'American' type (Etc...etc..)
Just because japan seems so mono-cultural and every Japanese person seems to want to associate as a whole with the country, its difficult to read the feedback from these individuals and just be able to paint the whole country with the same color.
If sexless marriage, money focused wives, angry women was limited to one island on the pacific rim the rest of the world could enjoy life-long sex intensive marriages just by avoiding japan.
Yeah the sexless marriage thing. What's up w that? Why would I (er, I mean "a person") magically stop wanting physical intimacy due to a change in marital status? I know we're not 20 anymore, but we're not dead either.
a number of men remarked that their Japanese wives’ tendency to resort to anger or violence played a central role in leading to divorce.
This seems to be a major factor in many failed and failing marriages involving a Japanese wife — controlling and dysfunctional personalities, regular meltdowns, and daily verbal abuse against the children and husbands.
Now that Japan has finally signed the Hague convention, the Japanese press has been increasingly trumpeting concerns about concerns of domestic violence against Japanese spouses, but not a thing about domestic violence perpetrated by Japanese spouses (for instance: http://www.asahi.com/articles/DA3S10943777.html ). It is good to see this article shed some light on the issue.
Why would I (er, I mean "a person") magically stop wanting physical intimacy due to a change in marital status?
I hear that this may occur after childbirth, rather due to a change in marital status. I note that the Catholic church encourages its 1.2 billion followers to abstain when it is not for the purpose of childbirth, so while I am not sure how many follow that advice, it may not be such an unusual idea.
And a hushed silence came from those of us who have married Japanese men...I think a western woman marrying japanese is WAY more extreme then these men complaining about their zombie sex lives. How about dealing with company sponsored hostess outings and the like... ???
How is that a problem? No sex goes on at the hostess bars. I used to go to the hostess bars quite often when I was a company man, and my wife (Japanese) didn't have a problem with it, because I was coming home every night. It's an obligation a lot of the time.
Or the fact the sex industry is literally in every corner??? THAT is marriage issues
Women can pretty much go out and get sex on every corner themselves if they so want. It's not so hard for a woman to cheat if she gets it in her mind. Men deal with this, women should be able to deal with the existence of fuzoku (sex places). If your husband is actually going to them, that's a problem, but he cannot do anything about their existence.
Not another one of these articles again
that was exactly what I thought when I saw this article..
how about some people share good things about their marriages with Japanese?
i'd like to hear some positive stories!
They whine and complain ........................ They are a miserable lot ......................
This seems to be a major factor in many failed and failing marriages involving a Japanese wife — controlling and dysfunctional personalities, regular meltdowns, and daily verbal abuse against the children and husbands.
Many of them are mentally unstable and lack the ability to have normal social and human interaction.
Almost all of these situations could be applied to marriages worldwide. On another note, you shoulld never let others decide what is ultimately a decision for you to make. If the relatives have a real reason for their disapproval, let them air it. Just saying "It won't work" or "They won't make you happy" is a garbage reason. It isn't anyone's job to make you happy in anything in life. It's your job and yours only. Glad I didn't enter into marriage with that stupid reasoning in my head.
Many Japanese wives think it is fine to unilaterally shut down sex after having kids.
Not only sex, but they will also rebuff any attempts at affection such as hugging and kissing.
Try to talk to them about it and you'll be dismissed with comments such as "It's normal" or "We've had kids so we don't need to have sex any more"...
I think this "cold marriage syndrome" initiated by the wife is the number one reason for divorces between Japanese women and foreign guys.
I think it is very selfish and heartless of these women to threaten the stability of the marriage in this way.
Maybe Japanese guys can accept such a situation because it is so common in Japan but for foreign guys it's an awful way for things to end up...
“Because there was no one but me to take care of my aging parents, I would have had to leave Japan. Either I would have to bring my parents to Japan or my wife would have to bring her parents to Virginia.”
This is silly, and could have been easily negotiated. How about asking the wife to live in Virgina until you either find better living arrangements for the parents, or until they pass on. Or, visit the parents frequently or have them visit frequently or both. You think that the parents will be happy knowing that they were responsible for your divorce?
In my case, the reason for our divorce was simple. My wife wanted to have kids, and I didn’t.
And you didn't have this discussion BEFORE you got married? Another stupid reason.
My family is very opposed to this relationship. They like him as a person, but they don’t believe that he can make me happy. His parents feel the same way.
Who cares what your fricken parents think! Your parents aren't marrying him, YOU are. If you feel he's right, tell both of your parents to drink a tall glass of STFU juice and live with it. If he truly makes you happy, then prove them wrong, and they will come around.
If kids are involved, couples should have the maturity to sit down, realize that they've more in common than what's driving them apart, and focus on common interests and common goals.
If one spouse is over-spending, how much gratification is he/she getting from the shopping, drinking, pachinko, and how much post-transaction/binge remorse? What mutual pursuits can replace that dopamine rush (if there is one)? If that doesn't work, picture living in poverty when all the money's gone.
And if you really need to compete with your spouse, take up tennis or chess together. Who knows, it might lead to Twister and all sorts?
"their Japanese wives’ tendency to resort to anger or violence"
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