Japan Blackmail

Japan Blackmail
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Read Deidre’s personal replies to today’s problems
MY husband’s nephew is blackmailing me into having sex with him several times a week.
He is threatening to show my husband a video of me having sex with my lover unless I go along with his demands.
My husband is kind, caring and a big earner. He showers me with expensive gifts but the downside is he works away for months at a time. He’s 55 and I’m 38.
I like our lifestyle but a few months ago I was bored and took a lover for fun. I met him at a golf club. He is around my husband’s age and married too. We both know it is strictly fun.
My husband’s nephew is 19 and comes to clean the windows and my husband’s classic cars.
He made a pass at me one day so I smacked him in the face but he showed me this video on his phone of my lover and me having sex on the sofa. He’d recorded it through the window.
I thought he would want cash but he wanted sex instead. I am living a nightmare.
He makes me feel sick with his endless demands for sex. He films me naked on the bed and makes me walk around the house wearing just a thong. He has been spending most of his time — nights, too — at our house, telling his parents he has a girlfriend.
He wakes me for sex at all hours when he’s aroused and sits in my lounge, watching porn, drinking and smoking.
He is a perverted weirdo and I cannot stand being his personal prostitute any longer, but I confess I am a bit afraid of him too.
DEIDRE SAYS: I bet you are, he is a nasty piece of work. He is using blackmail to make you have sex with him against your will. That makes it rape, as you are not consenting freely. Don’t let this go on.
You fear what will happen if your husband finds out. But isn’t it worse to go on enduring what is happening now?
Change the locks and get in touch with Rape Crisis, which offers non-judgmental advice and support and can help you think through how best to deal with this horrible situation, including whether to report the young man to the police ( rapecrisis.org.uk , 0808 802 9999).
If your marriage weathers this crisis, look at what is going wrong between you and your husband.
There will have to be some changes if you want it to work. Long separations don’t help.
You can get fresh insight with help from Relate ( relate.org.uk , 0300 100 1234). You can have 45 minutes of free online support to start with.
MY grandson is behaving as badly as Simon in TV’s Coronation Street.
He’s 12 and I’m his 49-year-old grandma. He is always hitting his mum — my 30-year-old daughter — and then bunking off school. He is really horrible to her.
He smokes, steals and lies. His language is really dreadful. He hangs out with older boys and his school is threatening to expel him.
It’s making my daughter ill. The boy sees his dad fortnightly but he’s uninterested.
DEIDRE SAYS: He’s not a happy boy. He’s trying to measure up to older boys and throwing his weight around.
Maybe your daughter has allowed him to push the boundaries because she feels guilty his father isn’t around, and he may partly be acting up in a bid to attract his dad’s attention.
Suggest his dad get the boy involved in something sporty which will use up his energy and give him a chance to shine, plus give them bonding time.
Your daughter can get ongoing support through the YoungMinds parents helpline ( youngminds.org.uk , 0808 802 5544).
I HAD a brief fling a couple of months ago and now I have been diagnosed with a sexual infection. I’m worried I have given it to my partner.
I am 32. My life was great with a lovely partner the same age as me, and our four-year-old son. Then I stupidly fell for a younger woman I met in a club.
I gave her my phone number, we texted non-stop and one night I agreed to meet her. We had unprotected sex — big mistake.
My partner suspected something was wrong and I confessed. She went ballistic and would not let it drop.
We had a few bottles of wine one night and ended up having sex, but then we had a few more drinks and she called me names and screamed at me. I regret I ended up lashing out.
She called the police and I was arrested. Now there is an injunction against me contacting her. How do I tell her about the STI?
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m glad you realise how important it is she knows that her sexual health is at risk.
Speak to your doctor or the sexual health clinic where you have been diagnosed. There will be a partner notification or sexual contact tracing service who will be able to inform her she needs a sexual health check.
You can find out more details from the Sexual Health Line (0300 123 7123, or see nhs.uk/worthtalkingabout ).
MY husband’s computer shows a history of sex buddy sites. He says they are unrequested pop-ups and you do not need to log in for them to show up but I’m not sure I believe him.
He flicks through porn sites most days, usually when I am not around. I am not a big fan but don’t have a problem with it. We are in our forties and have been together four years.
We had a row and I accused him of looking at sex buddy sites and local meet-ups.
I have told him that I’m not having a relationship with anyone who’s going on such sites. He says I’m obsessed with the subject.
I went shopping yesterday and left him alone. I logged in to look at my emails when I returned and all the sex site stuff was in his history again.
I hope he’s telling the truth, but I can’t be sure. It’s killing me.
DEIDRE SAYS: If the sites show in his computer history, it’s because he has accessed them. Making out you’re the one with the problem is his way of refusing to admit his guilt.
This behaviour does seem to be addictive. Tell him that if he wants your marriage to last, he has to face up to his problem and might need help.
Suggest the Kick Start Recovery Programme ( sexaddictionhelp.co.uk ).
It has self-help exercises that will encourage him to stop for good.
MY wife has never had a multi-orgasm and wonders if that is normal.
We are very much in love, and our relationship is the envy of all our friends. We never argue and are loving and romantic all the time. We are both 28 and have been married five years.
We have sex often, but she has now told me that in all the time we have been together, she has never managed to have more than one orgasm during sex.
She has read in magazines that women can have multiple orgasms. Of course she wants to experience this too — and I want her to enjoy our sex life to the max.
Neither of us knows about the G-spot. Maybe understanding more would help her enjoyment of sex?
DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t get hung up on the G-spot. If you and your wife both enjoy your sex life, that is the most important thing.
Women’s experience of orgasm varies from one person to another, and it’s normal for it to change from time to time, too.
Some, but not all, find they can be aroused again after reaching climax. Some — a minority — find the G-spot a great source of stimulation.
My e-leaflet Understanding the G-Spot explains more but please be sure not to lose sight of finding for yourselves what works best for you two.
I WANT to try again with my ex but I got with another lad after we split up.
It was only brief but my ex refuses to give us a second chance because he says he gets annoyed thinking about me with someone else.
I was in a bad place when we broke up and knew I was not strong enough to stay away from him, so I started seeing another lad almost straight away. We split up after a month.
Six months on and I finally feel happy and sorted. Me and my ex meet up and talk. I am 19, he’s 20.
He says he loves me and we have both grown up. He says he would happily try again if I had not been with the other guy.
How can I help him remember the good times and convince him that trying again is OK?
DEIDRE SAYS: If he has this possessive streak, it is always going to niggle. Unless your ex is willing to accept you unconditionally there is little hope you could be happily together again.
Was the way he wanted to control you a factor in you splitting up? Perhaps you’re only happy and sorted because you are out of the relationship.
Few relationships started in our teens last long-term. Better to accept it’s over, stay positive and wait to meet someone who wants you for you.
EVERY problem gets a free personal reply.
Email me here , private message me on Facebook , or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
You can also follow me on Twitter @deardeidre .
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