Is Watching Porn Cheating
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Is Watching Porn Cheating
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We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Posted February 14, 2018
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Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Pornography is a hot-button issue of the day, and every season, more states add themselves to the list of legislatures that have declared pornography, and Internet pornography, to be a public health crisis. Often, these legislative efforts identify pornography as having blanket negative effects on people, and especially on couples. Historically, many have claimed that porn use causes divorce and marital difficulties on the basis of pretty sloppy data and research. Recent research is finding that the effects of porn on marriage vary greatly, depending upon some characteristics of the marriage and the porn use. Nonreligious couples who watch porn together seem to be quite well insulated from experiencing any negative effects from porn use.
But, isn’t watching porn the equivalent of cheating—getting sex outside the marriage? Dr. Phil has suggested that watching porn is “not OK” and likely opens the door to cheating. Antiporn group Fight the New Drug proclaims that watching porn is cheating, because it feels like it, and because of oxytocin . (They suggest that watching porn releases oxytocin in the brain, which causes you to “bond” with the porn, rather than your real life partner). And the explicitly religious organization Covenant Eyes declares that using porn is cheating, because it is “engagement with a digital prostitute despite one’s vow to forsake all others.”
So now, research sheds some interesting light on this question, and helps to reveal that not all people view porn use as cheating—in fact, most don’t. And further, the people who do view porn as cheating tend to be a certain group of people.
Negy, et al. recently published research where they examined people’s attitudes about porn and cheating. They also compared respondents in the U.S. to respondents from Spain. First, a very large portion respondents in both the U.S. (73%) and Spain (77%) believe that porn use is not cheating.
Things get really interesting when Negy and researchers examine what characteristics predict a person's viewing porn as cheating. First, being from the U.S., compared to Spain, was associated with viewing porn as cheating. So were being single (not in a relationship at the time) or being a person who doesn’t watch porn. Finally, people who have low self esteem are more likely to view porn use as cheating, but only if they are from the U.S. Interestingly, there weren’t any gender differences. Women were not more likely than men, across the board, to view porn as cheating.
So what’s going on here? Well, when people are not in a relationship, they may be more likely to have idealistic and more rigid views about what constitutes cheating than those who are currently in a relationship and who may have somewhat more pragmatic, accepting, and realistic views.
People who watch porn tend to have less concern and fear about the impact of porn than those who don’t. Other researchers have found that couples in which one or both partners use porn commonly report that it has “no negative effects” or positive effects on their relationships.
What about the U.S. vs. Spain comparison? First, the U.S. has much stronger, negative and rigid negative attitudes about infidelity , compared to Spain and many other European countries. What was even more interesting in this research however, was the finding that in respondents from the U.S., being religious also predicted the view that porn is cheating, whereas Spanish respondents showed no effect of religiosity . About 70% of Spaniards identify as Catholics, but only around 9% of the citizens attend church at least monthly. In contrast, as much as 42% of Americans attend church weekly. Multiple studies on the effects of porn find that it is attendance of church services, rather than identification as religious, which appear to be mediating variable on the impact of porn on a person and relationship.
In general, Europeans, and Spanish Catholics, tend to be less punitive about sex in general, and also less dogmatic and energized about their religion, compared to many U.S. evangelical church-goers. These differences probably lie at the root of these interesting findings, affecting how people from different cultures view their religion and sexuality .
So, is watching porn cheating? It depends. If you are from the U.S., attend church, don’t watch porn yourself and are currently single, then yes, it’s pretty likely you will judge watching porn as a form of cheating.
But, what if you’re wondering if your partner will view watching porn as cheating? Should you run through a demographic checklist?
No: You should ask your partner, and talk to them about their views of porn and infidelity in general (such as whether a behavior like talking to an ex on Facebook is seen as a betrayal). This is an important conversation that far too few couples have, usually because they’re scared of what they might hear, or what cans of worms might get opened. Most people don’t view porn use as cheating—so your odds are pretty good, actually. But if they find out you are watching porn in secret, or have lied about it, then there are issues of secrecy and deception to deal with. If you start to talk about your sexual and relational values, then you can start to have a deeper, more accepting, honest relationship, where you can even discuss issues such as sexual privacy, or how the two of you might deal with temptations of infidelity. Ultimately, these are foundations that build strong relationships, whether porn is involved or not.
David J. Ley, Ph.D. , is a clinical psychologist and the author of Insatiable Wives, Women Who Stray and The Men Who Love Them .
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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
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About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
Democracy.
What is it worth to you?
QUOTE: Is Watching Porn Considered to be Cheating?
ANSWER: No more than pleasuring oneself while fantasizing about someone else. What takes place in one's private mind is far different than actually doing something in real time.
We do not need any form of 'mind police' to interfere with our fantasies.
Cheating factors aside, many psychologists define the scope of the porn as to whether it is a healthy or an unhealthy preoccupation and/or occasional outlet.
There is (1) erotic/sensual, (2) kinky/twisted, and lastly (3) sick and depraved.
The latter type (3) is perhaps the most dangerous and disturbing of them all regardless of singular or joint viewing.
How can someone be cheating on their spouse (or significant other) if the outlet is only wishful thinking or imagined fantasy?
I do it all the time and we've been married for 25 years.
It's like food...would you want to eat spaghetti every night?
This question is like asking whether cyber-sex is cheating.
And how can that be when there is absolutely no physical contact?
God gave us free-thinking minds to explore and private parts to enjoy.
Don't waste either one as life is too short as it is
*"would you want to eat spaghetti every night?"
No and I happen to like spaghetti.
That said, I take another approach to this topic regarding fantasy.
When I am with my wife and having sex, I simply IMAGINE that I am with someone else and I suspect that she probably does the same thing at times.
It works because we have also been married for over 25 years and cannot afford the financial ramifications of a divorce at this point in time.
As George Clinton (of Parliament Funkadelic) once said, "Free your mind and your a** will follow."
Porn can also be viewed as an educational supplement in regards to learning more about sex and how to please your partner.
I started watching porn in the 8th grade and learned a lot from this vicarious and enlightening experience.
The key is not to get too carried away with what you see as it is all scripted and performed by actors...none of whom will ever be nominated for a Golden Globe or Academy Award.
They are merely 'method actors' of the lowest common denominator minator
Viewing pornography is disrepectful towards women (unless one is viewing male gay porn) and should be discouraged.
Women are to be cherished and not relegated to being circus animals performing tricks for an undisclosed audience.
Think about it.
In some cultures, any sexually deviant behavior is harshly punished, including adultery and homosexuality.
Under those social conditions it would probably be best not to be viewing or enjoying pornography in any form.
In America there is far more latitude.
*Is Watching Porn Considered to be Cheating?
Not if one is a teenager with no boyfriend or girlfriend.
Fornication is supposedly a sin if one wants to buy into that concept but who does?
And pornography is essentially staged fornication.
Carnal lust is merely a part of human nature and even former president Jimmy Carter admitted to 'having lust in his heart' during a Playboy interview decades ago.
The key is to keep one's thoughts to oneself as doing so will also reduce the chances of being fired or reprimanded for sexual harassment at the workplace.
People get bored with one another after awhile so privately watching a little porn every now and then shouldn't be that big of a deal.
On the other hand, watching it 24/7/365 might be a cause for concern.
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